The Jest Book Part 36

Thus translated--

"There was a baker heretofore, with labor and great pain: Did break his neck, and break his neck, and break his neck again."

DCx.x.xVI.--MAD QUAKERS.

A MAD Quaker belongs to a small and rich sect; and is, therefore, of greater importance than any _other_ mad person of the same degree in life.

DCx.x.xVII.--BACON.

A MALEFACTOR, under sentence of death, pretending that he was related to him, on that account pet.i.tioned Lord Chancellor Bacon for a _reprieve_.

To which pet.i.tion his lords.h.i.+p answered, "that he could not possibly be _Bacon_ till he had first been _hung_."

DCx.x.xVIII.--A LETTER WANTING.

SAID vain Andrew Scalp, "My initials, I guess, Are known, so I sign all my poems, A.S."

Said Jerrold, "I own you're a reticent youth, For that's telling only two thirds of the truth."

DCx.x.xIX.--ADVICE TO THE YOUNG.

JERROLD said to an ardent young gentleman, who burned with a desire to see himself in print, "Be advised by me, young man: don't take down the shutters before there is something in the window."

DCXL.--A PROMISE TO PAY.

JOE HAINES was more remarkable for his practical jokes than for his acting. He was seized one morning by two bailiffs, for a debt of 20l., as the Bishop of Ely was pa.s.sing by in his coach. "Gentlemen," said Joe, "here's my cousin the Bishop of Ely going by his house; let me but speak to him, and he'll pay the debt and charges." The bailiffs thought they might venture this, as they were within three or four yards of him. Joe went boldly up to the coach, and pulled his hat off to the bishop. His lords.h.i.+p ordered the coach to stop, when Joe whispered him gently, "My lord, here are two men who have such great _scruples of conscience_, that I fear they'll hang themselves."--"Very well," said the bishop; so, calling to the bailiffs, he said, "You two men come to me to-morrow morning, and _I will satisfy you_." The men bowed, and went away pleased. Early on the following day, the bailiffs, expecting the debt and charges, paid a visit to the bishop; when, being introduced, his lords.h.i.+p addressed them. "Well, my men, what are your scruples of conscience?"--"Scruples!" echoed the bailiff; "we have _no scruples_. We are bailiffs, my lord, who yesterday arrested your cousin, Joe Haines, for a debt of 20l.; and your lords.h.i.+p kindly promised to satisfy us to-day." The bishop, reflecting that his honor and name would be exposed were he not to comply, paid the debt and charges.

DCXLI.--PUNCTUATION.

SOME gentlemen talking on the inattention of writers to punctuation, it was observed that the lawyers used no stops in their writings. "I should not mind that," said one of the party, "but they put no _periods_ to their works."

DCXLII.--CON-CIDER-ATE.

LORD BOTTETOT, in pa.s.sing through Gloucester, soon after the cider tax, in which he was very unpopular, observing himself burning in effigy, he stopped his coach, and giving a purse of guineas to the mob, said, "Pray, gentlemen, if you will burn me, burn me like a gentleman; do not let me linger; I see you have _not f.a.ggots enough_." This good-humored speech appeased the people, who gave him three cheers, and let him pa.s.s.

DCXLIII.--FEAR OF EDUCATING WOMEN.

THERE is a very general notion, that if you once suffer women to eat of the tree of knowledge, the rest of the family will very soon be reduced to the same kind of aerial and unsatisfactory diet.

DCXLIV.--A-LIQUID.

PORSON, once conversing with a party of congenial friends, seemed at a loss for _something_ to cheer the inward man, and drawing his gla.s.s mechanically towards him, he took up one bottle, and then another, without finding wherewithal to replenish. A friend observing this, he inquired what the professor was in search of. "Only _a-liquid_!"

answered Porson.

DCXLV.--TOP AND BOTTOM.

THE following playful colloquy in verse took place at a dinner-table between Sir George Rose and James Smith, in allusion to Craven Street, Strand, where he resided:--

_J.S._--"At the top of the street ten attorneys find place, And ten dark coal barges are moored: Fly, honesty, fly, to some safer retreat, For there's _craft_ in the river, and _craft_ in the street."

_Sir G.R._--"Why should Honesty fly to some safer retreat, From attorneys and barges, od rot 'em?

For the attorneys are _just_ at the top of the street, And the barges are _just_ at the bottom."

DCXLVI.--A SUGGESTIVE PRESENT.

JERROLD and a company of literary friends were out in the country. In the course of their walk, they stopped to notice the gambols of an a.s.s's foal. A very sentimental poet present vowed that he should like to send the little thing as a present to his mother. "Do," Jerrold replied, "and tie a piece of paper round its neck, bearing this motto,--'When this you see, remember me.'"

DCXLVII.--A NEW DISGUISE.

THE Duke of Norfolk of Foote's time was much addicted to the bottle. On a masquerade night, he asked Foote what _new_ character he should go in.

"Go sober!" said Foote.

DCXLVIII.--WET AND DRY.

DR. MACKNIGHT, who was a better commentator than preacher, having been caught in a shower of rain, entered the vestry soaked with wet. As the time drew on for divine service he became much distressed, and e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.ed over and over, "O, I wish that I was dry! Do you think I'm dry? Do you think I'm dry eneuch noo?" To this his jocose colleague, Dr.

Henry, the historian, returned: "Bide a wee, doctor, and ye'se be _dry eneuch_ when ye get into the _pu'pit_."

DCXLIX.--RUM AND WATER.

A CERTAIN Scotchman, who is not a member of any temperance society, being asked by a dealer to purchase some fine old Jamaica, dryly answered, "To tell you the truth, Mr. ----, I canna' say I'm very fond of rum; for if I tak' mair than _six_ tum'lers, it's very apt to gi'e me a headache."

DCL.--A BUDGET OF BLUNDERS.

PERHAPS the best concentrated specimen of blunders, such as occur in all nations, but which, of course, are fathered upon Paddy wholesale, as if by common consent, is the following:--

_Copy of a Letter, written during the Rebellion by Sir ----, an Irish Member of Parliament, to his friend in London._

MY DEAR SIR,--

Having now a little peace and quietness, I sit down to inform you of the dreadful bustle and confusion we are in from these blood-thirsty rebels, most of whom are, I'm glad to say, killed and dispersed. We are in a pretty mess, can get nothing to eat, nor wine to drink, except whiskey, and when we sit down to dinner we are obliged to keep both hands armed. Whilst I write this, I hold a sword in each hand and a pistol in the other. I concluded from the beginning that this would be the end of it, and I see I was right, for it is not half over yet. At present there are such goings on that everything is at a standstill. I should have answered your letter a fortnight ago, but I did not receive it till this morning. Indeed, scarcely a mail arrives safe without being robbed. No longer ago than yesterday the coach with the mails from Dublin was robbed near this town; the bags had been judiciously left behind for fear of accident, and by good luck there was n.o.body in it but two outside pa.s.sengers, who had nothing for the thieves to take. Last Thursday notice was given that a gang of rebels was advancing here under the French standard, but they had no colors, nor any drums except bagpipes. Immediately every man in the place, including women and children, ran out to meet them. We soon found our force much too little; we were far too near to think of retreating. Death was in every face, but to it we went, and, by the time half our little party were killed, we began to be all alive again. Fortunately the rebels had no guns, except pistols, cutla.s.ses, and pikes, and as we had plenty of muskets and ammunition, we put them all to the sword. Not a soul of them escaped, except some that were drowned in an adjacent bog, and, in a very short time, nothing was to be heard but silence. Their uniforms were all different colors, but mostly green. After the action we went to rummage a sort of camp, which they had left behind them. All we found was a few pikes, without heads, a parcel of empty bottles full of water, and a bundle of French commissions filled up with Irish names. Troops are now stationed all round the country, which exactly squares with my ideas.

I have only time to add that I am in great haste.

Yours truly, ---- ----.

P.S.--If you do not receive this, of course it must have miscarried, therefore I beg you will write to let me know.