The Jest Book Part 26

CDLXV.--A GRETNA CUSTOMER.

A RUNAWAY couple were married at Gretna Green. The smith demanded five guineas for his services. "How is this?" said the bridegroom, "the gentleman you last married a.s.sured me that he only gave you a guinea."--"True," said the smith, "but _he_ was an Irishman. I have married him six times. _He is a good customer_, and _you_ I may never see again."

CDLXVI.--LEAVING HIS VERDICT.

"I REMEMBER," says Lord Biden, "Mr. Justice Gould trying a case at York, and when he had proceeded for about two hours, he observed, 'Here are only eleven jurymen in the box, where is the twelfth?'--'Please you, my lord,' said one of the eleven, 'he has gone away about some other business--but _he has left his verdict with me_!'"

CDLXVII.--OVER-WISE.

IN a lecture-room of St. John's College, Cambridge, a student one morning, construing the Medea of Euripides came to the following pa.s.sage:--

[Greek: All ouk arisophos eimi.]

To which he gave the proper sense,--

"I am not _over-wise_;"

but pausing as if he doubted its correctness,--"_You_ are quite right, sir," observed the lecturer; "go on."

CDLXVIII.--IMPROMPTU.

'TIS said that walls have ears; if this be true, St Stephen's walls the gift must often rue.

CDLXIX.--INDEPENDENCE.

JEMMY GORDON, the Cambridge eccentric, when he happened to be without shoes or stockings, one day came in contact with a person of very indifferent character. The gentleman, pitying his condition, told him, if he called at his house, he would give him a pair of shoes. "Excuse me, sir," replied Jemmy, a.s.suming a contemptuous air, "I would not stand in _your shoes_ for all the world!"

CDLXX.--ON PRIDE.

FITSMALL, who drinks with knights and lords, To steal a share of notoriety, Will tell you in important words, He _mixes_ in the best society.

CDLXXI.--BLACK LETTER.

AN old friend of Charles Lamb having been in vain trying to make out a black-letter text of Chaucer in the Temple Library, laid down the precious volume, and with an erudite look told Lamb that "in those old books, Charley, there is sometimes a deal of very _indifferent spelling_."

CDLXXII.--A HIATUS.

"DID you not on going down find a _party_ in your kitchen?" asked an underbred barrister of a witness. "A _tea-party_, Mr. ----?" mildly interposed Judge Maule.

CDLXXIII.--A REASONABLE REQUEST.

AN officer advising his general to capture a post, said: "It will only cost a few men."--"Will _you_ make one of the few?" remarked the general.

CDLXXIV.--A STRIKING POINT.

WHEN Mr. Gulley, the ex-pugilist, was elected Member for Pontefract, Gilbert A'Beckett said: "Should any opposition be manifested in the House of Commons towards Mr. Gulley, it is very probable the _noes_ (_nose_) will have it."

CDLXXV.--VERY PRETTY.

ONE day, just as an English officer had arrived at Vienna, the empress knowing that he had seen a certain princess much celebrated for her beauty, asked him if it was really true that she was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. "I thought so _yesterday_," he replied.

CDLXXVI.--AN ODD BIRD.

A LATE Duke of Norfolk had a fancy for owls, of which he kept several.

He called one, from the resemblance to the Chancellor, Lord Thurlow. The duke's solicitor was once in conversation with his grace, when, to his surprise, the owl-keeper came up and said, "Please you, my lord, Lord Thurlow's _laid an egg_."

CDLXXVII.--INQUESTS EXTRAORDINARY.

FOUND dead, a rat--no case could sure be harder; Verdict--Confined a week in Eldon's larder.

Died, Sir Charles Wetherall's laundress, honest Sue; Verdict--Ennui--so little work to do.

CDLXXVIII.--"I'VE DONE THE SAME THING OFTEN."

A MR. JOHN SMITH, who is described, evidently not without reason, as a "fast" talker, gave the following description of the blowing up of a steamboat on the Mississippi: "I had landed at Helena for a minute to drop some letters into the post-office, when all of a sudden I heard a tremendous explosion, and, looking up, saw that the sky was for a minute darkened with arms, legs, and other small bits and sc.r.a.ps of my fellow-travellers. Amongst an uncommonly ugly medley, I spied the second clerk, about one hundred and fifty feet above my own level. I recognized him at once, for ten minutes before I had been sucking a sherry-cobbler with him out of the same rummer. Well, I watched him. He came down through the roof of a shoemaker's shop, and landed on the floor close by the shoemaker, who was at work. The clerk, being in a hurry, jumped up to go to the a.s.sistance of the other sufferers, when the 'man of wax'

demanded five hundred dollars for the damage done to his roof. 'Too high,' replied the clerk; 'never paid more than two hundred and fifty dollars in my life, _and I've done the same thing often_.'"

CDLXXIX.--CONFIDENCE.

"WHY," said a country clergyman to one of his flock, "do you always sleep in your pew when I am in the pulpit, while you are all attention to every stranger I invite?"--"Because, sir," was the reply, "when _you_ preach I'm sure all's right, but I can't trust _a stranger_ without keeping a good look-out."

CDLx.x.x.--THE CUT INFERNAL.

SAID Wetherall the other night Of ----: "He's the silliest elf I ever _knew_." Sir Charles was right, For no one ever _knows himself_.

CDLx.x.xI.--FEELING HIS WAY.

"UNCLE," said a young man (who thought that his guardian supplied him rather sparingly with pocket-money), "is the Queen's head _still_ on the sovereign?"--"Of course it is, you stupid lad! Why do you ask that?"--"Because it is now such a length of time since _I saw one_."

CDLx.x.xII.--THE WILL.

JERRY dying intestate, his relatives claimed, Whilst his widow most vilely his mem'ry defam'd: "What!" cries she, "must I suffer because the old knave Without leaving a will, is laid snug in the grave?"

"That's no wonder," says one, "for 'tis very well known, Since he married, poor man, he'd _no will of his own_."