The Jest Book Part 14

CCLI.--A CAPITAL JOKE.

LORD BRAXFIELD (a Scotch judge) once said to an eloquent culprit at the bar, "You're a vera clever chiel, mon, but I'm thinking ye wad be nane _the waur_ o' a hanging."

CCLII.--PIG-HEADED.

MR. JUSTICE P----, a well-meaning but particularly prosing judge, on one of his country circuits had to try a man for stealing a quant.i.ty of copper. In his charge he had frequent occasion to mention the "copper,"

which he uniformly called "lead," adding, "I beg your pardon, gentlemen,--_copper_; but _I can't get the lead out of my head_!" At this candid confession the whole court shouted with laughter.

CCLIII.--BURIED WORTH.

SIR THOMAS OVERBURY says, that the man who has not anything to boast of but his ill.u.s.trious ancestors, is like a potato,--the only good belonging to him is _underground_.

CCLIV.--A JUST DEBTOR.

ON one occasion Lord Alvanley had promised a person 100l. as a bribe, to conceal something which would have involved the reputation of a lady.

On that person's application for the money, his lords.h.i.+p wrote a check for 25l. and presented it to him. "But, my lord, you promised me 100l."--"True," said his lords.h.i.+p, "I did so; but you know, Mr. ----, that I am now making arrangements with all my creditors _at 5s. in the pound_. Now you must see, Mr. ----, that if I were to pay you at a higher rate than I pay them, I should be doing my creditors an injustice!"

CCLV.--A SOUND CONCLUSION.

SIR WILLIAM CURTIS sat near a gentleman at a civic dinner, who alluded to the excellence of the knives, adding, that "articles manufactured from _cast steel_ were of a very superior quality, such as razors, forks, &c."--"Ay," replied the facetious baronet, "and soap too--there's no soap like _Castile_ soap."

CCLVI.--CUTTING HIS COAT.

WHEN Brummell was the great oracle on coats, the Duke of Leinster was very anxious to bespeak the approbation of the "Emperor of the Dandies"

for a "cut" which he had just patronized. The Duke, in the course of his eulogy on his Schneider, had frequent occasion to use the words "my coat."--"Your coat, my dear fellow," said Brummell: "what coat?"--"Why, _this_ coat," said Leinster; "this coat that I have on." Brummell, after regarding the vestment with an air of infinite scorn, walked up to the Duke, and taking the collar between his finger and thumb, as if fearful of contamination,--"What, Duke, do you call _that thing_ a coat?"

CCLVII.--NON SEQUITUR.

ONE of Sir Boyle Roche's children asked him one day, "Who was the father of George III.?"--"My darling," he answered, "it was Frederick, Prince of Wales, who would have been George III. if he had lived."

CCLVIII.--ANY PORT IN A STORM.

A VERY worthy, though not particularly erudite, under-writer at Lloyd's was conversing one day with a friend on the subject of a s.h.i.+p they had mutually insured. His friend observed, "Do you know that I suspect our s.h.i.+p is in _jeopardy_?"--"Well, I am glad that she has got _into some port at last_," replied the other.

CCLIX.--INGRAt.i.tUDE.

WHEN Brennan, the noted highwayman, was taken in the south of Ireland, a banker, whose notes at that time were not held in the highest estimation, a.s.sured the prisoner that he was very glad to see him there at last. Brennan, looking up, replied, "Ah! sir! I did not expect that from _you_: for you know that, when all the country refused your notes, I _took_ them."

CCLX.--NOT SO BAD FOR A KING.

GEORGE IV., on hearing some one declare that Moore had murdered Sheridan, in his late life of that statesman, observed, "I won't say that Mr. Moore has _murdered_ Sheridan, but he has certainly _attempted his life_."

CCLXI.--A BAD CROP.

AFTER a long drought, there fell a torrent of rain; and a country gentleman observed to Sir John Hamilton, "This is a most delightful rain; I hope it will bring up _everything out of the ground_."--"By Jove, sir," said Sir John, "I hope not; for I have sowed three wives in it, and I should be very sorry to see them come up again."

CCLXII.--"NONE SO BLIND," ETC.

DANIEL PURCELL, who was a non-juror, was telling a friend, when King George the First landed at Greenwich, that he had a full view of him: "Then," said his friend, "you know him by sight."--"Yes," replied Daniel, "I think I know him, _but I can't swear to him_."

CCLXIII.--DUPLEX MOVEMENT.

A WORTHY alderman, captain of a volunteer corps, was ordering his company to fall back, in order to dress with the line, and gave the word, "_Advance_ three paces _back-wards_! march!"

CCLXIV.--COULEUR DE ROSE.

AN officer in full regimentals, apprehensive lest he should come in contact with a chimney-sweep that was pressing towards him, exclaimed, "Keep off, you black rascal."--"You were as black as me before you were _boiled_," cried sooty.

CCLXV.--A FEELING WITNESS.

A LAWYER, upon a circuit in Ireland, who was pleading the cause of an infant plaintiff, took the child up in his arms, and presented it to the jury, suffused with tears. This had a great effect, until the opposite lawyer asked the child, "What made him cry?"--"_He pinched me_!"

answered the little innocent. The whole court was convulsed with laughter.

CCLXVI.--EXTREMES MEET.

AN Irish gardener seeing a boy stealing some fruit, swore, if he caught him there again, he'd lock him up in the _ice-house_ and _warm_ his jacket.

CCLXVII.--DR. WEATHER-EYE.

AN Irish gentleman was relating in company that he _saw_ a terrible wind the other night. "_Saw_ a wind!" said another, "I never heard of a wind being seen. But, pray, what was it like!"--"_Like_ to have blown my house about my ears," replied the first.

CCLXVIII.--HESITATION IN HIS WRITING.

AN old woman received a letter, and, supposing it to be from one of her absent sons, she called on a person near to read it to her. He accordingly began and read, "Charleston, June 23, 1859. Dear mother,"

then making a stop to find out what followed (as the writing was rather bad), the old lady exclaimed, "_Oh, 'tis my poor Jerry; he always stuttered_!"

CCLXIX.--A GUIDE TO GOVERNMENT SITUATIONS.

DR. HENNIKER, being engaged in private conversation with the great Earl of Chatham, his lords.h.i.+p asked him how he defined wit. "My lord," said the doctor, "wit is like what a pension would be, given by your lords.h.i.+p to your humble servant, _a good thing well applied_."