The Jest Book Part 11

CXCVI.--CONSIDERABLE LAt.i.tUDE.

SIR RICHARD JEBB being called to see a patient who fancied himself very ill, told him ingenuously what he thought, and declined prescribing for him. "Now you are here," said the patient, "I shall be obliged to you, Sir Richard, if you will tell me how I must live; what I may eat, and what I may not."--"My directions as to that point," replied Sir Richard, "will be few and simple! You must not eat the poker, shovel, or tongs, for they are hard of digestion; nor the bellows, because they are _windy_; but eat anything else you please!"

CXCVII.--FARMER AND ATTORNEY.

AN opulent farmer applied to an attorney about a lawsuit, but was told he could not undertake it, being already engaged on the other side; at the same time he gave him a letter of recommendation to a professional friend. The farmer, out of curiosity, opened it, and read as follows:--

"Here are two fat wethers fallen out together, If you'll fleece one, I'll fleece the other, And make 'em agree like brother and brother."

The perusal of this epistle cured both parties, and terminated the dispute.

CXCVIII.--A WIFE AT FORTY.

"MY notion of a wife at forty," said Jerrold, "is, that a man should be able to change her, like a bank-note, for two twenties."

CXCIX.--DISAPPROBATION.

AN actor played a season at Richmond theatre for the privilege only of having a benefit. When his night came, and having to sustain a princ.i.p.al part in the piece, the whole of his audience (thirty in number), hissed him whenever he appeared. When the piece ended, he came forward and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, I return you my sincere thanks for your kindness, but when you mean to hiss me again on my benefit night, I hope you will be at least _six times_ as many as are here to-night."

CC.--NOVEL OFFENCE.

COOKE and Dibdin went, at a tolerably steady quick-step, as far as the middle of Greek Street, when Cooke, who had pa.s.sed his hand along all the palisades and shutters as he marched, came in contact with the recently-painted new front of a coachmaker's shop, from which he obtained a complete handful of wet color. Without any explanation as to the cause of his anger, he rushed suddenly into the middle of the street, and raised a stone to hurl against the unoffending windows; but Dibdin was in time to save them from destruction, and him from the watch-house. On being asked the cause of his hostility to the premises of a man who could not have offended him, he replied, with a hiccup, "what! not offend? A ---- ignorant coachmaker, to leave his _house out_, new-painted, at this time of night!"

CCI.--MEASURING HIS DISTANCE.

A BROWBEATING counsel asked a witness how far he had been from a certain place. "Just four yards, two feet, and six inches," was the reply. "How came you to be so exact, my friend?"--"Because I expected _some fool_ or other would ask me, and so I measured it."

CCII.--VERY CLEAR.

"WHAT is light?" asked a schoolmaster of the b.o.o.by of a cla.s.s. "A sovereign that isn't full weight is light," was the prompt reply.

CCIII.--BROTHERLY LOVE.

"AH!" said a conceited young parson, "I have this afternoon been preaching to a congregation of a.s.ses."--"Then that was the reason why you always called them _beloved brethren_," replied a strong-minded lady.

CCIV.--EPIGRAM.

BY a friend of Sir Turncoat 'twas lately averr'd, The electors would find him as good as his word!

"_As good as his word_," did you say, "gracious me!

_What a terrible scamp little Turncoat must be_!"

CCV.--MODEST.

IT has been said that a lady once asked Lord B--g--m who was the best debater in the House of Lords. His lords.h.i.+p modestly replied, "Lord Stanley is the _second_, madam."

CCVI.--A JOINT CONCERN.

A STUPID fellow employed in blowing a cathedral organ, said after the performance of a fine anthem, "I think we performed very well to-day."--"_We_ performed!" answered the organist; "I think it was _I_ performed, or I am much mistaken." Shortly after another celebrated piece of music was to be played. In the middle of the anthem the organ stopped; the organist cried out in a pa.s.sion, "Why don't you blow?" The fellow popped out his head from behind the organ, and said, "Shall it be _we_ then?"

CCVII.--PROFESSIONAL.

AN editor at a dinner-table being asked if he would take some pudding, replied, in a fit of abstraction, "Owing to a crowd of other matter, we are unable to find room for it."

CCVIII.--A GOOD REASON.

A RICH peer resolved to make his will; and having remembered all his domestics except his steward, the omission was respectfully pointed out to him by the lawyer. "I shall leave him nothing," said the n.o.bleman, "because he has _served me_ these twenty years."

CCIX.--ON A BAD MAN.

BY imbecility and fears Will is restrain'd from doing ill; His mind a porcupine appears, A porcupine _without a quill_.

CCX.--A CLEVER DOG.

AFTER witnessing the first representation of a dog-piece by Reynolds, called the "Caravan," Sheridan suddenly came into the green-room, on purpose, it was imagined, to wish the author joy. "Where is he?" was the first question: "where is my guardian angel?"--"Here I am," answered Reynolds. "Pooh!" replied Sheridan, "I don't mean _you_, I mean _the dog_."

CCXI.--A KNOTTY POINT.

THE Bristol magistrates were at the time of the great riots _scattered_ through the town. They argued that under the circ.u.mstances it was impossible they could have been _collected_.

CCXII.--GEORGE SELWYN.

THIS gentleman, travelling in a stage-coach, was interrupted by the frequent impertinence of a companion, who was constantly teazing him with questions and asking him how he did. "How are you now, sir?" said the impertinent. George, in order to get rid of his importunity, replied, "Very well; and I intend to continue so _all the rest_ of the journey."

CCXIII.--EMPEROR OF CHINA.

SIR G. STAUNTON related a curious anecdote of old Kien Long, Emperor of China. He was inquiring of Sir George the manner in which physicians were paid in England. When, after some difficulty, his majesty was made to comprehend the system, he exclaimed, "Is any man well in England, that can afford to be ill? Now, I will inform you," said he, "how I manage my physicians. I have four, to whom the care of my health is committed: a certain weekly salary is allowed them, but the moment I am ill, the salary stops till I am well again. I need not inform you my illnesses are _usually short_."

CCXIV.--LANDLORD AND TENANTS.