Close to Home Part 8

If part of him hoped Tessa would contradict him, protest that he'd made her happy during their marriage, he was doomed to disappointment. Instead she sucked in a breath and twisted her hands together nervously into the silence.

Dr. Voss clapped once, startling both of them. "Okay! It sounds like you two are ready to get started. I'm hearing that there are some logistical issues to be sorted through, but in my experience, logistics are the rational mind's way of providing a reason for emotional behaviors. Meaning what you already know, deep down: you're living apart because your relations.h.i.+p is in crisis. If we can weather that storm together, chances are good that the issue of where to live and how to deal with your respective careers will seem much less impossible to solve."

Johnny looked at Tessa, who was biting her lip. The plump flesh was caught between her teeth, going a deep, tempting pink, and suddenly all Johnny could think about was biting that lip for her.

"Sorry, Dr. Voss," she said, cheeks flus.h.i.+ng.

"No need to apologize at all." The therapist smiled, another one of those calm, accepting smiles as if nothing either of them could say or do would shock her. "This is exactly what we're here for. To get things out into the open and work through them. I'm here to facilitate that process, not to take sides or write a prescription for what you should do."

Then what the h.e.l.l good are you? Johnny thought grumpily as Dr. Voss directed them out of the barn and down the hill to the back paddock while she wrangled the horse they'd be using for their exercises.

"I should apologize to you, too," Tessa said abruptly, stopping in her tracks at the edge of the paddock fence. "I didn't mean to pick a fight back there."

Weariness dragged at Johnny's bones. "You don't have to apologize. The doc was right. If we don't talk about this stuff, we're never going to move past it."

Not that he was happy about that. Going along not talking about stuff had worked for him for years. But if this was the way to keep Tessa in his life, he was willing to give it a try. At least it had the added benefit of getting her to open up about what was going on in that mysterious mind of hers.

"It's just that where we live feels like one of those insurmountable problems that no amount of talking will solve." Tessa's mouth pulled into an unhappy curve. "Honestly, Johnny, I love it here. I'm doing fine. Better than fine! I really think you could leave me here and go on with your life, with a clear conscience."

"d.a.m.n it to h.e.l.l, I'm not worried about my conscience, Tessa." G.o.d knew, there was an ancient stain on Johnny's soul that nothing could ever remove. He shook his head forcefully, unsettled and stirred up.

"Please don't snap at me. I'm trying to do the right thing, here."

"By leaving me?" Johnny ran agitated fingers through his hair. "That's not the right thing, Tessa. Not for me, anyway."

Tessa's flas.h.i.+ng eyes softened. "Tell me what you need. I'll do my best to give it to you."

Because she thought she owed him. Johnny looked away, grinding his back teeth. "All I need is for you to try this with me, just for a few weeks. That's it."

Tessa was silent for a long moment. "And at the end of four weeks, if nothing has changed between us-you'll go back to your life, and leave me to live mine."

Could he agree to that? What was he doing here? Johnny's chest felt hollow, an aching cavern that echoed with his own selfish needs.

Maybe he should let her go right now. He could head back to D.C., submit to talk therapy with the departmental doctor, whatever it took to get fully reinstated. He could sell their house, get an apartment that would be easy to take care of and hold no memories. He could volunteer for the next dangerous undercover a.s.signment that came up, and the next, and the next, until his luck finally ran out.

Tessa would be fine without him. Better off, probably. She'd proven that in the year since she moved to Sanctuary Island.

Maybe these four weeks were a waste of time, a pointless exercise in torturing himself with what he could never have: Tessa as his wife. But before Johnny could unstick his tongue from the roof of his mouth to tell her so, he heard the clop of hooves behind them.

"Well, h.e.l.lo again!" A sunny voice sang out, making Johnny shoot a swift glance over his shoulder.

Sure enough, leading Clover down the hill with her hand on his leather halter lead, was the cheerful young woman he'd met earlier at the bakery.

Distracted and off balance, Johnny fell back on charm. "Quinn, right? This is my wife, Tessa. How did those cupcakes go over?"

Quinn's big blue eyes sparkled. "Hey, good memory! And they went over like gangbusters, only not with Marcus Beckett. He's not a sweets person, I don't think. Unlike the ladies here! I brought the cupcakes along for my volunteer session and they were very well received, so they didn't go to waste. Or to my waist, either! Which, let's be honest, was more likely than me throwing them out, once Marcus didn't want them."

"You two know each other?" Tessa asked, frowning slightly. "I didn't think you knew anyone on Sanctuary Island, Johnny."

"We just met this morning," Quinn explained as she unlatched the paddock fence and led the placid horse inside. "Johnny gave me some advice about baked goods and job hunting, although some of the advice was better than the rest."

Faint relief loosened some of Johnny's tension. "Sorry the job didn't work out, but I think you're probably better off. Marcus Beckett is-"

"My new boss!" Quinn bounced on the b.a.l.l.s of her brown leather paddock boots, clearly tickled pink. "He totally hired me and I have you to thank, because you sort of warned me that he might need some b.u.t.tering up, and then I wore him down and got the job! So thank you!"

In one lightning-fast move, she looped the lead rope high over the horse's neck, turning him loose in the fenced-in ring, and threw her arms around Johnny.

Nearly bowled over by the exuberant hug, Johnny managed to keep his feet and his cool. But inside, all he could think was, "That's it. I have to stick around. There's no way a man like Marcus Beckett hired an innocent like this just because she knows how to pour a beer."

Quinn Harper, with her freckles and bright, strawberry-blond hair and wide, guileless blue eyes ... she tugged at every one of Johnny's protective instincts. When she planted a loud, smacking kiss against his cheek before pulling away and running after the wandering horse, she reminded him so strongly of Angie, it hurt.

Stop it, he ordered himself harshly. Quinn is not your little sister. But she might need your help, all the same. And if that means sucking it up and enduring the h.e.l.l of being around your wife without actually having her ... so be it.

He'd lived through worse and come out the other side, stronger than before. He'd be fine.

Turning, he caught the hint of a frown on Tessa's expressive face, an unhappiness that tore at his gut and made him want to promise whatever it took to fix it.

Maybe "fine" was pus.h.i.+ng it. He'd better shoot for simple survival.

Chapter 10.

Tessa watched as the pretty redhead cheerfully handed Clover's lead rope to Dr. Voss before walking out of the ring, waving to Johnny over her shoulder.

"She seems very sweet," she murmured to her husband, whose eyes were still tracking the young woman's retreat.

Overhearing, Dr. Voss smiled pleasantly and said, "Quinn is wonderful. She's one of our very best volunteers-great with the horses, even better with the clients, especially the children. I don't know what we'd do without her."

"She sounds valuable enough to hire on full-time," Johnny observed, transferring his laser focus to the doctor, who sighed a little.

"I wish we could. I've talked to the board about it but there's just no wiggle room in the budget since hiring, well, me. Also, the fact is that I'm not sure Quinn would take the job if we offered it. She seems to really enjoy making her own schedule and keeping odd hours."

Johnny's frown made Tessa's stomach tighten into a knot. "I know she's been looking for paying work. This place seems a lot more suitable for someone like her than working in a bar."

Dr. Voss tilted her head, studying Johnny's expression as if she were learning something new about him. "It's kind of you to take an interest in someone you've only just met."

"Johnny is nothing if not kind," Tessa said, trying to tamp down her sudden, irrational jealousy and failing miserably. "But Quinn is an adult, and she seemed perfectly capable of making her own decisions."

The way Johnny blinked as he stared down at her made Tessa wonder if he'd forgotten she was there. "You haven't met Marcus Beckett. If you had, you'd understand why I'm concerned."

Tessa was afraid she understood all too well. Johnny had kind of a thing for saving people. It was, after all, how they'd met. And why they'd gotten married, and stayed married for so long. It stood to reason that now Tessa had finally grown up and started looking out for herself, Johnny might be looking around for someone new to save.

She was being unfair. Tessa pressed her lips together, sickened by her own bitterness. She needed to let go of this, if she was serious about working on their marriage.

With the near-magical sense of timing she'd displayed already, Dr. Voss gently drew them back to the purpose of their visit to Windy Corner.

"Today is about me getting to know the two of you, individually and as a couple, so I can be your mirror. My job, as I see it, is to reflect your relations.h.i.+p back to you, allowing you to see how you interact and hopefully gain insights into your dynamic as a couple that will help you interact in healthy and productive ways."

At Tessa's side, Johnny s.h.i.+fted his weight slightly, as if suppressing a sigh. This must be hard for him. For her part, Tessa was glad of Dr. Voss's friendly, straightforward approach. She seemed less like a doctor and more like one of the older women from the commune, who'd seen it all and had the faith in their own experiences to prove it. Those women gave great advice, if one cared to listen, but they didn't like to offer a step-by-step how-to for solving problems.

Every person, every relations.h.i.+p, every problem was different. There was no one-size-fits-all solution for a happy life. Tessa's parents hadn't wanted to believe that-they'd lived their lives according to the idea that if everyone in the world would follow the same philosophy, the entire world would be a better place.

Maybe they were right about some of it, but Tessa had understood before she knew how to talk that following her parents' one-size-fits-all lifestyle would never make her happy.

Baking sinfully delicious pastries made her happy. Drinking wine with Patty made her happy. Being independent made her happy.

The rest of her life was a work in progress, but for the first time ever, Tessa was pretty sure she was on the right track. Even if the person who made her happiest-and saddest-in her entire life was both right beside her ... and feeling further away than ever.

She tuned back in to Dr. Voss's speech in time to see her slip the halter off Clover and hide it behind her back. Clover stood politely still, as if this were all old hat to her, while Dr. Voss showed them the halter that she had now unhooked until it looked like a random bundle of worn brown leather strips attached to each other with flat metal circles.

Holding it out between them, Dr. Voss said, "Go ahead, take it. I want you to put it back on Clover."

Johnny's lips twitched, and Tessa knew he was holding back a comment about how if Dr. Voss wanted the halter on the horse, she shouldn't have taken it off in the first place.

As if to show he was willing to be a good sport about it, though, he reached for the halter.

The minute he'd grasped it, though, he held it out to Tessa with a smile that was only slightly forced. "Here, honey. You try it first."

Tessa fought not to melt at the smallest hint that Johnny was trying, but it was tough. She'd been conditioned to hunt and gather those tiny signs of affection and respect from Johnny. Not that he'd ever been cold or deliberately cruel-never that. But he'd been distant. Unreachable.

No matter how much she'd loved him, no matter how much she'd wanted to read into his absentminded good-night kisses and his sincere thanks for the dinners she put on the table, Tessa had never truly been able to fool herself into believing it was enough.

But as she gazed into his brown eyes and read the sincerity there, she began to wonder if maybe, just maybe, Johnny had never been as far out of reach as she'd thought.

Pus.h.i.+ng the halter back toward his chest, Tessa quirked a grin and said, "You just want me to get it going for you."

"I should have mentioned," Dr. Voss broke in, "this exercise is partly about cooperation and teamwork. So feel free to work together, or not, as you choose."

If Johnny didn't let himself roll his eyes soon, Tessa was afraid he'd strain a muscle.

"So what the doc is saying is that she's making a note of everything we do, and judging us based on whether we work together or not," Johnny muttered under his breath. "I, for one, don't intend to give her the satisfaction. How about you?"

Tessa grabbed the halter from him, jingling it gamely. She wished she'd been paying better attention when the thing was on the horse. Did this strap go behind the horse's ears? Or under its nose?

"Okay, fine." She turned the halter over and over in her hands. "Give me a crack at it."

Johnny held up his hands as if to say "It's all yours," but Tessa caught the slight lift at the corners of his full, kissable lips. He didn't think she could do it on her own. Sending him a narrow stare, she went back to the halter with renewed determination to figure it out by herself.

In the end, it took both Johnny and Tessa working together about twelve minutes to get the halter put together and on the horse's head correctly. Hot-cheeked and sheepish, Tessa crossed her arms over her chest and waited to hear Dr. Voss's diagnosis.

Johnny, who'd been quiet since she snapped at him over the placement of the last clasp, stood at her side with a hard jaw and a blank look on his face. Unhappily aware of what a mess they must look like as a couple, Tessa lifted her chin and forced herself to stand tall.

But Dr. Voss didn't seem upset.

"Well done," she said calmly, tucking her pen behind her ear and flipping to a new page in her clipboard.

Well done? What exercise was she watching? Tessa bit her lip against saying anything, but she should have known the doctor would notice.

"You don't feel you did well, Tessa?" Dr. Voss asked, all unfl.u.s.tered interest.

"It took us a long time," she pointed out. "And we weren't exactly the model of good communication while we worked it out."

"But you did work it out," Dr. Voss countered. "And you could have moved much more quickly, considering that Johnny knew exactly how to put the halter together before you even began."

Johnny winced, unable to wipe the guilty look off his face in time to hide it from his wife.

"Is that true, Johnny?" she demanded, aghast. "You could have put the halter together right off the bat?"

"I grew up on a farm," he reminded her helplessly.

Tessa looked away, her shoulders hunching in a way that was so familiar it made his gut clench. "Oh, right. Of course. Lord, you must think I'm such an idiot."

"I have never thought that." Johnny couldn't let that stand. "You're not an idiot."

She shrugged but wouldn't say anything else. Johnny's hands tightened into impotent fists at his sides.

"As it happens," Dr. Voss said gently, "your communication as a couple is pretty good. The reason Johnny held back was because you'd asked him to let you try. From my observations, that was difficult for him, but he did it. He only jumped in when it became clear that you were becoming frustrated and upset, Tessa. Would you like to talk about why this exercise may have brought up emotions you weren't expecting?"

Tessa's shoulders hunched further, and Johnny couldn't stand it. He stepped forward to wrap his arm around her while giving the doc a look. "Maybe not today, okay?"

Something flickered in Dr. Voss's deep brown eyes. "My other observation from your interactions is that Johnny is quite protective."

He stiffened. "Nothing wrong with that."

Dr. Voss inclined her head. "Not at all, especially given that you seemed willing to allow Tessa s.p.a.ce to be independent when she asked ... up to a point. But I wonder if you've considered that Protector is your default setting with your wife."

Part of Johnny wanted to drop his arm and step away from Tessa, but he didn't. It clearly wouldn't fool anyone at this point, anyway. "Protecting people is what I do for a living. And the first person I'm committed to protecting is my wife."

"The issue I see here is that you may have become more protector than husband," she said quietly.

"Are you saying I can't be both?" Johnny demanded. "A husband and wife should take care of each other. That's the way it's supposed to be, right?"

He didn't know much about what made a good marriage-G.o.d knew his parents were no s.h.i.+ning example-but he knew that.

And Dr. Voss apparently didn't disagree. She nodded easily. "Absolutely. It's a question of balance, give and take. And in the conflict Tessa obviously feels toward your protectiveness, I'm seeing a potential imbalance in that aspect of your relations.h.i.+p."

Screw this. Johnny clamped his jaw shut, unwilling to say more. He knew this song and dance. The patient stillness, the expectant pause, letting the silence stretch until the other person broke and filled it. Johnny had played that game himself, many times, and won.

You're going to have to do better than that if you want to see me crack.

What Johnny wasn't counting on was that he hadn't been Dr. Voss's target. At his side, Tessa straightened and shook off his encircling arm. There went that chin, those slender shoulders pulling back as if she were facing a firing squad.