The Three Lands Omnibus Part 43

He added in a low voice, "But since it is not possible for one Chara to attend the enthronement of the next Chara, I did the best that I could. It was hardest of all to make my oath. I was supposed to be swearing my oath to all of my subjects, but you weren't there, and you were the subject to whom I would have most liked to have said those words."

I did not speak. Down below in the city, I knew, the celebration bonfires were blazing, set not only by the city inhabitants but also by the visitors who had flooded into the city from the Three Lands. Harp music drifted across from the southern end of the palace where the lesser free-men had gone after the ceremony. A more rowdy tune was being sung in the bas.e.m.e.nt slave-quarters where I had lived for the past five years. The young Chara turned on his side, resting his head on his elbow, and for a moment his face was serious.

Then he picked up the emblem brooch from a nearby table. He held it up in the air but did not put it on, since he had not yet taken off his pendant. With mock despair, he said, "I would like to think that I have undergone the worst experience I will ever endure during my reign, but I'm beginning to understand why my father was so short-tempered. Today I spent an hour listening to Lord Carle explain how Emor will crumble if I'm not familiar with every subsection of every section of the Chara's laws. Tomorrow I preside over the Court of Judgment, which I'm dreading, though the court summoners tell me they have scheduled only easy cases for the next fortnight. And yesterday I spent most of the day with my clerk, trying to make sense of these-" He flung his hand out toward a pile of newly-penned doc.u.ments stacked on a table next to the couch. His fingers caught the edge of the pile, and a few of the papers tumbled down. I walked forward, knelt by the table, and began placing the fallen papers back on the stack.

"My apologies," said Peter, watching me from an arm's length away. "As though my slaves didn't have enough to do, preparing for my enthronement. What terrible tasks has the palace slave-keeper been a.s.signing you?"

As he spoke, I continued to stack the papers carefully together. Most of the doc.u.ments were scribed in Old Emorian, the law language, but one sheet caught my eye because it was written in Modern Emorian. I glimpsed its t.i.tle a "Slaves to be a.s.signed to the Household Service of Peter, the Great Chara" a and scanned the short list of names before quickly thrusting the sheet into the middle of the stack. Then, my heart thumping, I looked up at Peter.

He had not noticed my action; he had looked away momentarily to wipe the emblem brooch on his cloak, and now he was raising it up again to see it s.h.i.+ne in the firelight. As he caught me observing him, he smiled at me, and at his look, I felt my chest grow less tight.

"Does not the Chara know what his own slaves are doing?" I asked, allowing my eyes to smile back at him.

"The Chara has-" He calculated rapidly in his head. "I have 936 slaves, 165 court officials, and 289 palace free-servants a minus one, Drogo, because I inherited him from my father and hated having him as my personal free-servant. Dismissing him was my one purely pleasurable deed during the past few days. Other than Drogo, I have no idea what any of the people under my care are doing. I feel like a babe who has just been given charge over an army and must issue his first proclamation."

The door to the corridor opened. Peter and I gaped up from where we were, Peter lying on the couch, and me kneeling close by to him. Then I carefully picked myself up and went over to the fireside to gather up the Chara's cloak.

Peter had risen as well, saying smoothly, "It is good to see you, Lord Carle. I did not think that you would be by here until later."

I turned around with the cloak and saw that Lord Carle was watching me. His sword was unsheathed and his expression unreadable. Then his gaze slid over to the Chara, and I saw that Lord Carle was looking at the brooch that Peter still held in his hand. I wondered whether he would scold Peter for holding an ornament that was not part of his ceremonial dress. But all that he said was, "The guards allowed me in, since you told them to expect me. I beg your pardon for not knocking. It is hard for me to remember that you are no longer a boy."

"Yes," said Peter tersely. "Andrew, please take Lord Carle's cloak-"

Lord Carle waved me off. "I was on my way back to my quarters to change, but thought that I would stop to give you my congratulations." He raised his fist to his heart and held his sword blade against his forehead, imitating the oath of loyalty he had just given in the ceremony. "I will come by later, as you had requested. I am sorry to have disturbed you."

Peter relaxed his stiff pose as the door closed. "Thank the laws that he's gone. He is always respectful and helpful, and I know that he is the most loyal free-man I have, but he makes me exceedingly nervous with his formality. I sometimes think that he privately considers me a fool who is unfit for the office of the Chara."

"Then he is the fool," I said softly. "The Emorian people are lucky to have you."

Peter started. As he met my gaze, he replied quietly, "Thank you... . Andrew, I have something here for you." He leaned over and fingered through the pile of doc.u.ments for a moment before pulling out a sheet of paper and walking over to stand next to me.

"I was intending to show this to you later, when we had a chance to talk," he said, "but you're here tonight. Can you read Old Emorian?"

"Just a little, Chara," I said. "I learned some when I was young, and learned a bit more this spring when I was working in the court clerk's quarters."

Peter gave a quirk of a smile. Slaves are not normally to be found scribing doc.u.ments in the quarters of the Chara's clerk. Normally I would have been a.s.signed other work while Peter took one final trip to the northern dominions with Lord Carle. But at the last minute, much to the palace slave-keeper's consternation, Peter had announced his wish that I be a.s.signed a scribe's duties. I had overheard Lord Carle roaring at him about that decision.

"Well, then, perhaps you can make some sense of this," Peter said. "I can read Daxion, Koretian, and half a dozen other languages, but I will never master clerks' language. I had my clerk scribe this today, and I've signed it and will seal it as soon as I figure out which court official has custody of my father's seal-ring. What all the language amounts to ..." Peter held the paper out to me, his gaze fixed on my face. "... is that you are free. It is your manumission paper."

I stared down at the page, seeing nothing among the black-inked words except the signature of Peter, followed by his half-dozen new t.i.tles. As though pulled, my gaze drifted up to the window on the other side of the room, through which I could see the black border mountains.

Without knowing how I got there, I found myself standing by the window, peering out at the mountains as though I could look straight through them to my homeland. Behind me, Peter said, "I had planned to give you a present for your years in service at the palace. If you would like, I could give you the goods and money you will need to return to Koretia and restart your life there."

His voice pulled me back from the scene. I turned and saw that he was standing where I had left him, my paper of freedom in his hand. He was watching me with a guarded expression I was accustomed to seeing when he was with others, but which he had rarely used against me.

When I did not reply, he said, in the same, even tone as before, "On the other hand, if, for any reason, you should wish to stay in Emor for three or four years more, I am in need of a new free-servant and would be pleased if you took on the duty."

I looked back at the dark mountains, and for a long while I remained silent. My right hand was clasped around my left wrist, and my thumb was rubbing the almost imperceptible remnant of a scar. Then I said, without looking at Peter, "Chara, I do not think that it is a good plan for a Koretian to stay longer in Emor than he is required to. The bonds of blood loyalty and land loyalty can become frayed over time, and it is best for a man to spend as much time as possible in the land that he has chosen as his home."

I looked back at Peter. He had not moved; his expression remained neutral. It took me several more tries to force my words to the surface. "It would not be right for me to stay here for three or four more years and then return to Koretia. If, however, you would be willing to consider keeping me as your free-servant beyond that time, I would like to live as an Emorian and serve the Chara as long as I may."

Peter turned suddenly and walked rapidly into his sleeping chamber, beyond my sight. He was a long time returning, and I found myself wondering whether I had failed some test he had set for me. But when he came back, he was holding a bone-sheathed dagger.

He placed it in my hands and said, "I didn't think you would want this if you were returning to Koretia, because it is of Emorian design. But if you are to be a free-man in this palace, you will need a free-man's weapon to wear on ceremonial occasions. I had this made for you."

I stared down at the dagger. The last time before the enthronement that I had seen a free-man's weapon had been that afternoon. Released from my work so that I might attend the slaves' celebrations, I had instead spent an hour eavesdropping on some of the free-servants practicing their vows. While Peter had been in the ceremony, I had stayed in his quarters and whispered those vows to myself, imagining that I was watching him become Chara.

Now I pulled the dagger from its sheath, turned to face Peter, and placed the blade flat-wise immediately in front of my eyes so that it ran down the middle of my face like the nose-bridge of a mask. I did not kneel; an Emorian stands while giving his oath of land loyalty, in order to indicate that, while the servant has duties toward the master, the master also has duties toward the servant.

"I, Andrew son of Gideon, free-servant of the Chara, do swear this vow unto the Chara Peter: that I will respect and obey the laws of Emor as they were given to the first Charas and as they are proclaimed by the Chara Peter, that I will use my weapon only as the Chara would have me do, and that I will serve the Chara with loyalty until death and beyond. This is my free-man's oath, sworn on this blade."

My mind had been so much on the words that I was speaking that it was not until I was done that I saw Peter's face. It had a look on it that I had never seen before: his eyes were as I remembered them, but the lines of his face were molded into a severe and formal mask, as though he were something much more than a sixteen-year-old man. Placing his fingers upon the Pendant of Judgment that lay over his heart, he replied in a voice firm and sure.

"I, Peter, the Great Chara of Emor and Its Dominions, Judge of the People, Commander of the Armies, Lord of the Marcadian Mountains, Ruler of the Arpes.h.i.+an Nation, Master of the Koretian Land, do swear this vow unto you: that I will judge without favor to any man, that I will wreak vengeance upon my people's enemies, and that I will have mercy upon those who serve me with loyalty. This is the Chara's oath, sworn to those who are placed under my care and receive my peace."

We stood a moment longer, frozen in our poses as though both of us had been taken over by something older and wiser than ourselves. Then we smiled, and I sheathed the dagger and hung it on my belt.

Nine years later, I stood in the same room, looking down at the same dagger.

I was standing next to Peter's writing table, which held the Chara's official doc.u.ments, as well as a jewel case. I never touched the latter, but I did sometimes open the box beside it, which belonged to me and which hid my free-man's weapon. I reached out to touch the white and creamy hilt. The smooth bone was raised in rows of delicate lines criss-crossing each other, but at the very tip of the hilt, hidden to the casual eye, was the emblem that only the Chara could wear: the Balance, the Bird, and the Sword.

I heard a noise behind me, and I slipped the dagger back into the box where it had lain for most of the time during the years since Peter had freed me. With my other hand, I picked up the Chara's ceremonial cloak from the fireside chair where he had discarded it the evening before, and turned to place it on him.

Peter was wearing his silver tunic, and he was busy hooking to his belt the silver and gold Sword of Judgment. As I came forward, he said nothing, but turned to allow me to place the black cloak on his shoulders. When I had closed the cloak's clasp, he walked over to the small jewel box lying on his writing table and pulled out the drawer. He looked down upon it for a moment, then picked up the Pendant of Judgment and placed it around his neck.

He caught my eye on him. "What is on your mind?"

"You have been quiet this morning, Chara."

Peter gave a faint smile. "You are polite. You mean that I'm not turning you deaf with my usual chatter." His hand went up to his chest, and he fingered the teardrop-shaped gold pendant with its large, central ruby. His smile faded as though it had been a hard-kept illusion. "You will have heard of the case that I have been judging."

"Just a little. You mean the one involving Lord Carle's free-servant?"

"His former free-servant. After Henry retired last year, you may recall that Lord Carle astounded us all by allowing him to continue living in his quarters. I suppose that even Lord Carle is capable of appreciating thirty years of loyal service. Since Henry is now a palace guest, he has been placed under my judgment for this case."

"It was a murder, I heard."

Peter gave me that look he sometimes cast my way when I was not as successful as usual at pretending ignorance of his deeds. "If you don't know the details, I think that you must be the only man in this palace who doesn't. But I suppose that the other servants haven't wished to discuss this case with the Chara's free-servant. Opinions are strong on the matter." He turned abruptly, closed the drawer that had contained the pendant, and said, with his back still turned, "I hand down my judgment today, and I expect that every chamber in this palace will be unmanned as the free-servants flock to hear what I say."

He continued to stand with his back to me, and I waited to see what more he would tell me, but he merely said abruptly, "I must go. The people are awaiting my word." Without looking my way, he left the room.

I bent down to pick up a face-cloth that had fallen from a table, and then made my way through the room, straightening piles of papers and putting away small items. Through the half-open door, I caught occasional glimpses of people walking by, all travelling in the same direction. After a while, I stood up from where I had been cleaning the Chara's boots, alerted without thought by a sound. No, not a sound, but an absence of sound: for once, the palace was absolutely silent.

I looked into the corridor outside. The corridor was usually bustling at this hour with lords, officials, palace visitors, free-servants, and slave-servants. The only persons there now were the Chara's guards, and even they appeared restive beneath their standard stiff poses. I went to my room, changed my tunic, and then, formally dressed, I returned to the sitting chamber and took out the dagger that Peter had given me.

A few minutes later, with my free-man's weapon clipped to my belt, I arrived at the Court of Judgment. Peter's guess had been right: the court seemed filled with every free-servant of the palace, as well as many of its officials. The crowd poured beyond the ceiling-high gold doors leading to the court floor, the place where I had stood on the few occasions that I had attended cases. Turning away, I moved toward the staircase to the balcony reserved for the council lords, their free-servants, and the Chara's free-servant.

Even this proved to be crowded. As I arrived, the other free-servants, who had been talking in low voices amidst themselves, fell silent and parted without a word to allow me pa.s.sage to the front of the balcony. There I found a s.p.a.ce next to some of the council lords who were intently watching the proceedings.

I had arrived in time for the court clerk's summary, used only in cases that lasted more than one day. The clerk, a shy man who struggled to overcome a stutter, was standing atop the thirty-stepped throne dais and reading the witnesses' testimony in as low a voice as possible. I could catch no word of what he said. Behind me, the servants had resumed whispering amongst themselves; below, the rest of the crowd was murmuring its opinions.

"It is a difficult case. I would not want to be the Chara today."

I turned my head and looked over at Lord Dean, standing beside me at the balcony railing. He smiled and said, "Your name is Andrew, is it not? We have met on many occasions, of course, but I don't believe that we have ever before had a chance to chat. I was surprised that you weren't watching the case on the previous days, as every other palace servant seems to be here. The Chara nearly decided to give judgment in private, but such was the notoriety of the case that he felt it better to have the witnesses speak in public."

"I did not realize that the murder was so important, High Lord."

"The murder is very unimportant, I think a the killing of an insignificant subcaptain. But Henry is facing a second charge of disobeying the Chara, and either one of those charges, you know, is enough to place him under the high doom. Still, the Chara has been generous in such cases before, and Henry may be fortunate enough to escape with a branding or enslavement."

I could just catch sight of Henry, standing at the foot of the dais steps with his hands rope-bound behind him. His posture was as straight as it had been in the days when he had served Lord Carle, and his grey head was tilted to look upward, not toward the clerk, but toward the Great Chara, sitting in judgment above him. Peter's cloak flowed like black water over the white marble throne, his arms lay motionless on the armrests, and his face was cold and formal. I could not see his eyes.

"This case will take the rest of the week if that clerk cannot stop stuttering," said Lord Dean, and he turned to his side to face me, leaning with ease against the railing. "Would you like me to tell you what is happening? The case is complex, but not so complex as the clerk is making it sound."

I murmured to him my thanks, and then gazed back at the scene below as Lord Dean said, "The subcaptain was one of those soldiers who helped put down the Snow Hills Rebellion in Marcadia. I don't know whether you are aware that Henry was originally brought to this land as a Marcadian slave, several decades ago. He had already been free for some time when he took up service with Lord Carle. Henry's sister was also sent into slavery, though the court summoners have been unable to discover where she was sold a she was sought as a witness in this case, at the Chara's request. Henry claims that the soldier whom he murdered was the one who raped and enslaved his sister."

The clerk ceased to speak, and a group of men standing at the foot of the dais were beckoned forward to sign their names to their written witness. I watched them walk up the steps one by one: some soldiers, a few servants, and a lord.

Lord Dean followed my gaze and said, "Yes, Lord Carle chose to give evidence against his free-servant. He was the only witness besides the Chara himself to the charge of disobedience. As I'm sure you know, the Chara prefers not to give evidence in cases that he himself is judging, though he will usually do so if there is no other witness to a serious crime. In this case, however, Henry came to Lord Carle and confided to him that he had gone to see the Chara to ask him whether he might be allowed to bring a charge of rape against the soldier. The Chara told him that the court summoners had never allowed such charges to be made in the case of wartime a.s.saults, and that he would not overrule the summoners. Then he commanded Henry to look no further into the matter."

I watched Lord Carle bend over the paper that the clerk proffered and sign it with a decisive stroke. Out of the corner of my eye I could see Lord Carle's new free-servant watching his master, then turning to say something to Lord Dean's free-servant. My ear caught the word "Chara."

Lord Dean leaned over the railing and said, "Of course, what all of the palace servants are discussing is whether the Chara should have overruled the summoners, but that doesn't enter into the judgment of this case. Henry has admitted his disobedience; he is defending himself against the charge of murder without provocation. He says that he went to see this subcaptain only to learn whether the man knew where his sister had been sold. Some of the palace free-servants bear out this testimony, and certainly Henry did not bring any weapon with him. Soldiers pa.s.sing the subcaptain's tent did not hear Henry speaking, but they heard the subcaptain laughing. Henry claims that the subcaptain not only refused to tell him where his sister was sold, but that he also made personal and disparaging remarks about his sister, causing Henry to grow mad with anger. He killed the subcaptain with the soldier's own sword."

Lord Dean cut himself off from his next sentence. The crowd quieted as the clerk and the last of the witnesses stepped down from the dais. Lord Dean leaned forward and joined me in watching the enthroned figure below.

Peter's voice, when it came, was strong and stilted with formality. "Henry son of Howe, palace guest of the Chara: you have been brought here to answer two charges. The first charge is that you did murder without provocation Colm, Subcaptain of the Palace Guard. The witness in this charge is Baldemar, orderly to Subcaptain Colm, and the sentence for such a crime is mercy or branding or the high doom. You have accepted the charge of murder, but deny that it was done without provocation."

The crowd was hushed as Peter reached toward the Pendant of Judgment. He raised the stone to his lips, kissed it, and then raised it to his forehead, where he kept it for a moment before allowing it to fall back to his chest. Dispa.s.sionately, he said, "The Chara's judgment is that the prisoner is guilty. The Chara's sentence is mercy."

A sigh went over the crowd, like a soft wave breaking against a sh.o.r.e. Some of the servants behind me began to murmur, but when I looked over at Lord Dean, his gaze was still fixed upon the Chara.

Peter continued, "The second charge brought against you is that you did willfully and with clear understanding disobey the command of the Great Chara. The witness in this charge is Carle, Lord of the Great Council, and the sentence for such a charge is mercy or enslavement or the high doom." Once more Peter's hand held the pendant next to his heart, where mercy resides; on his lips, where vengeance is spoken; and above his eyes, where judgment is made. Then he let the Pendant of Judgment fall and said, "The Chara's judgment is that the prisoner is guilty. The Chara's sentence is the high doom of death by the sword."

I did not see how Henry reacted to the sentence, and only faintly could I hear the grumble of the crowd as it began to disperse. My eyes and thoughts were on the Chara, a young man of twenty-five years, sitting as motionless as though he were as permanent a being as a land or a G.o.d.

Lord Dean said in my ear, "Many of the free-servants will be unhappy with the Chara's judgment and sentence."

I turned away then, and with a voice as dispa.s.sionate as the Chara's had been, I said to the council lord, "It is indeed a hard case to judge."

The white-haired lord smiled, the wrinkles on his face turning upward. "I have heard many fine stories of your tact and your loyalty to your master. Yet Peter tells me that you are always willing to offer your opinion on his actions, should he ask. That is a rare combination, a servant who is close-mouthed in public and candid in private. Should you ever wish to leave the Chara's service, I think that I could find some work for you that would bring good to our land. Or it may be that you will be able to find such a role while working for the Chara."

I bowed to the High Lord in acknowledgment of his words, watched him walk away to discuss the case with another lord, and then left the balcony.

I returned to the Chara's quarters and found Lord Carle there, holding the emblem brooch in his hand.

The door was half-open, and I stood in the doorway for a moment, watching him. Lord Carle was looking down at the brooch with a smile, an easy, friendly smile which I had seen on only a few occasions during my years with him and which, it need hardly be said, he had never directed toward me. As he held the emblem up toward the light, he caught sight of me, but his smile did not disappear.

"Good day to you, Andrew," he said, carefully replacing the brooch on the table before him. "I hope that you are well today."

I stepped inside, leaving the door ajar as I had found it, and spent a minute a.s.sessing his face before I was able to convince myself that Lord Carle's words were anything more than his usual sarcasm. "Good day to you, Lord Carle," I said with detached courtesy. "May I offer you wine?"

"Thank you, but no," he said. "I am on my way back to my quarters to change. I only stopped to give the Chara my congratulations for his fine judgment in this case."

I kept my eyes fixed on his. It had been one of my keenest pleasures as a free-man to discover that I could now stare straight at Lord Carle without impunity. I said, in a voice still innocent of all emotion, "I am sure that the Chara will want to congratulate you as well for the help you gave in the case."

The smile disappeared then, like water trickling out of a cracked cup, and I saw him probe me with his look. When he spoke, his voice was without anger, but there was a firmness to it that had not been there before. "It was of course regretful that I should have had to give evidence against my former servant. But Henry disobeyed the Chara, and it is important to Emor that disloyalty not be allowed to flourish."

"Yes," I said. "I suppose the fact that Henry served you loyally for thirty years does not compensate you for discovering that you had a disobedient servant."

I had flung myself into battle while holding only a child's dagger, I knew. This was not the manner in which free-servants were supposed to address council lords. But servants were not supposed to address the Chara in such a manner either, and I had grown used to my freedom in more than one way.

Lord Carle was gazing at me now with narrowed eyes; his contented mood had vanished. "If Henry had been disobedient to me, I would have forgiven him," he said, raising his voice. "But he was disobedient to the Chara, to whom he swore, on his free-man's blade, that he would serve with loyalty. Betrayal of the Chara cannot be forgiven. The life of Emor depends on the Chara's subjects obeying his commands."

My own voice began to raise above its customary low pitch. "If you are concerned with the Chara and not with your own pride, then you might recall that the Chara also made an oath of loyalty, one to show mercy toward those placed under his care. It is an oath, I think, that all masters should be required to make." I paused, and then added recklessly, "Since you have so much loyalty toward the Chara, perhaps you would like to begin such a custom."

Lord Carle stood motionless; he was breathing heavily. He said, his words dropping like stones from a slingshot, "You are a fine one to talk to me of loyalty."

My hand, which was resting on my dagger hilt, curled into a fist. "What do you mean by-?"

"Enough," said the Chara.

He was at the doorway; one of his hands had swept back the door, while the other was resting on the hilt of his sword. He stood in that stance for a moment, his cloak widened to twice its usual size, as he looked at both of us with the expression of the Chara in judgment.

"Return here later," he told Lord Carle abruptly. Lord Carle bowed and left the room without a word. The Chara turned to close the door after the council lord, and when he turned back, his face had not changed.

"You two," he said icily, "could be heard halfway to the Court of Judgment. As I walked down the corridor just now, the only servants who were not staring at me with scorn were those who were busy amusing themselves by listening to the Chara's free-servant pick a fight with a council lord. I did not need this today."

He pulled at his cloak clasp, and then removed the cloak with one swift movement and threw it onto the fireside chair. His right hand came back to rest on the sword hilt.

"I know that Lord Carle is a difficult man," he said, "but you do not make things easy for him. You are insolent toward him, in both words and looks, and on the occasions on which he has been courteous to you, like a soldier laying down his arms, you have repaid him with words as cruel as dagger-thrusts. I am tired of having to intervene on your behalf to keep Lord Carle from going to the court summoners and charging you with the crime of insulting a free-man. I am also tired of overhearing whispered jokes about how the Chara is Master of the Koretian Land but that he is not master of his own free-servant." The immobility of his face was matched by the coldness of his eyes. "Let me be clear, Andrew son of Gideon. From this moment, you are not to begin any conversation with Lord Carle unless I am present. I say this as the Chara. Do you understand?"

"Yes, Chara," I said woodenly.

"Good. Then go change out of those clothes. And put away that dagger a you have not behaved today in a manner worthy of a free-man."

He turned his back on me and strode over to his writing table, but I did not move. When the Chara reached the table he paused, took off his pendant slowly, and held it in his hand for a moment. He said quietly, without looking back, "I saw you in the balcony. Was it Henry's case that you were fighting about with Lord Carle?"

"Yes."

The Chara let the pendant fall into the box where he kept it. He stood looking at the ornament for a moment longer, then turned and leaned back against the table. His face had lost its frigid lines, and he said in a low voice, "You should have saved your quarrel for me. I will have to defend my decision to every free-servant in this palace. I may as well try out my defense on you."

I stood as rigidly as I had before. With eyes lowered somewhat, I said, "It was a difficult case to judge."

I barely caught sight of the flicker of anger in Peter's eyes as he said, "That is the sort of statement I would expect to hear from Lord Dean, not you. I did not make you my servant so that you could tell me the polite lies that I hear from everyone else. I want your honesty."