She and I Volume II Part 8

Words would fail to express his sentiments in the matter.

Jones, he considers, is a nincomp.o.o.p, who has fed all his life on "flap- doodle," which, as you may be aware, Lieutenant O'Brien told Peter Simple was the usual diet of fools. Jones is a man _totally_ devoid of all moral principle. How "the authorities" could ever have selected such a person to fill so responsible a post is more than he, Smith, or any one else, can understand! And, besides, how unfair it was, to take a clerk from another and different office--and one essentially of a lower character, Smith believes--and put him "over our heads in this way," as he says, when rehearsing his wrongs and those of his official brethren before a choice audience of the same--from which the chief is the only absentee:--it was, simply disgraceful!

Smith thinks he "will certainly resign after this," and--he doesn't!

He goes on plodding round in his Government mill, grumbling and working still to the end of his active life, when superannuation or a starvation allowance comes, to ease his cares in one way and increase them in another! And, to do him scant justice, he really _does_ work manfully, at a lesser rate of pay, and with fewer incentives to exertion through hopes of advancement, than any other representative person under the sun--I do not care to what cla.s.s or clique he may belong!

He is the miserable hireling of an ungrateful country, from his cradle to his grave, in fact.

It is all very well for people unacquainted with the machinery of these offices to talk about the idleness of Government clerks generally; and joke at the threadbare subject of "her Majesty's hard bargains."

No doubt, some places are sinecures, and that a larger number of clerks are employed in many offices than there is work for them to do; but, we must not go altogether to the foot of the ladder to remedy this state of things!

Why do not such ardent reformers as Mr Childers, and men of his stamp, cut down their own salaries first, before they set about pruning those of poor ill-paid subordinates?

I can tell them, for their private satisfaction, that, if they did so, the onlooking public would have a much stronger belief in the honesty of their reformatory zeal than it at present possesses!

It is not the "little men" that swell the civil list, as the vicar told me before I saw it for myself, but, the "big wigs."

These are the ones who fatten on the estimates, the root of the evil lying concealed under the snugly-cus.h.i.+oned fauteuils of cabinet ministers and their pampered placeholders and hunters--not, beneath the straight-backed horsehair chairs of miserable clerks. It is unmanly thus for giants to gird at pigmies!

I would advise all the clerks in the various Government offices to form a "union," in order to obtain redress for their wrongs; and to "strike,"

if needs be--you know, that strikes are all the rage now!

You demur to my argument? It would be a conspiracy, you say?

Dear me! You are quite wrong, I a.s.sure you. A conspiracy is only a conspiracy so long as it is unsuccessful. When it is triumphant, it is known no longer by that term!

Then, it is styled a "Revolution," or a "Restoration," or a "Grand Party Triumph," as the case may be. Just in the same way, is a man a "traitor," or a "patriot," who tries to serve his country, according to his lights, as he is either defeated in his purpose, or victorious.

Besides, when men thus work together in a body, their words and deeds, although identically the same, are regarded in a different light to the words and deeds of mere individuals. In the one case they may be grand and glorious; in the other, they are stigmatised, perhaps, as insignificant, and, indeed, often criminal.

Witness, how a robber on a large scale, such as a privateersman confiscating the goods of an innocent merchant, or a chancellor of the exchequer putting his hand into a poor taxpayer's pocket, is held up in history to the admiration and honour of posterity; while, a petty thief, who may steal the watch of Dives, or a starving wretch, who s.n.a.t.c.hes a loaf out of a baker's shop, gets sent to the treadmill--_their_ actions being only chronicled in the police news of the day.

Or, again, look at your colossal murderer, like the Kaiser "Thanks to Providence," when he prosecuted the invasion of a neighbouring country the other day, in defiance of his kingly word--as published in a public proclamation, bearing his signature.

He sacrificed thousands of lives in furtherance of his own ambition; but, he is a "conqueror," bless you! A hero, to whom men bow the knee and cry, "Ave, Caesar!"--Your puny villain, on the other hand, who only cuts one unfortunate throat, is hung!

"Circ.u.mstances alter cases," runs the saying:--it should more properly be, the light in which we view them--_that_ makes all the difference, my dear sir, or madam!

Let the Government clerks strike, I say. "Frappez et frappez fort," as the Little Corporal used to express it; that is, if they are unable to get their grievances adjusted without some such extreme measure--of which there does not seem to be much likelihood at present, considering the reformatory tendencies of Jacks in office.

A strike, however, would soon bring the latter to reason, and show whether these subordinates were worth keeping on, or not!

You don't believe it?

Ah! just wait and see!

Fancy, the consternation at Carlton House Terrace, the dismay in Downing Street, some fine morning, when no clerks were forthcoming!

Imagine the tons of correspondence awaiting answers, the acres of accounts to be audited, the minutes that would _not_ be made, the "submissions" that could _not_ go forward, the files that should have been docketed, and initialled, and stowed away uselessly till doomsday; and, that must, instead, remain untouched, uncared for!

The Secretary of State might want valuable statistics, to answer some obstinate inquiring member in the House that very day, but, n.o.body could prepare them--to his default; and so, the inquiring member might make a cabinet question of it, and defeat the Government!

The general commanding at the autumn manoeuvres might, perhaps, be in urgent need of footwarmers for the regiments under his charge; but, he couldn't get them, as no permanent clerk would be at the War Office to countersign his order!

The channel fleet might all need refitting; but, none of them would be able to go into dock, as the Admiralty gentlemen--who only knew when their bottoms were last sc.r.a.ped--were not at their posts!

In fact, every department--the Colonies, the Foreign Office, and each one else, would be topsy turvey; because, only the high sinecurists, who never did anything but sign their names to doc.u.ments prepared by "those useless Government clerks," would be present to conduct the business of the country; and, _they_ would not have the remotest idea how to set to work, you know!

The "Control Department" might, certainly be called on for help in the emergency; and then, we would probably have some more "queer things of the service" for a short time.

But, it couldn't last. The whole official machinery would come to a dead stop.

You would then see the ardent reformers at their wits' ends; while, the honourable person who keeps the purse-strings of the ministry would be down on his marrow bones--entreating the ill-used and recalcitrant seceders to return to their employment, when "all would be forgiven;"

and begging them, at the same time, to accept the increase to their salaries which they had demanded, as a token of his sincere regard and esteem!

Before I became one of the staff of the Obstructor General's Office, I had not given the position of Government clerks a thought, excepting to look down upon them generally--as I have previously remarked, and as, indeed, most people are in the habit of doing who are unconnected with the service.

Now, however, that I was one of them, I was filled with the most thorough corps feeling. Their ills were my ills; their hopes my hopes; and, such thoughts as I have noted were continually pa.s.sing through my mind.

This is the case with most that are similarly employed.

I like men to believe in the special calling or profession they follow:--I do not think much of those who run down their trade.--The latter are usually bad workmen, you'll find.

If I were a boot-black, to-morrow, I would, I am certain, lean to the delusion that the polis.h.i.+ng of pedal integuments was the n.o.blest sphere in life!

Indeed, I have known many more extraordinary conversions than mine.

I've seen one of the most brutal and bloodthirsty of warriors settle down into an earnest preacher of the gospel. I have heard a prize- fighter lecture on the atomic theory; and, I am acquainted with a violent radical demagogue "of the deepest dye," who, by means of a nice berth and a snug salary, has been turned into the most conservative of county magnates--looking upon all his former proceedings with horror, and a virtuous amazement that he could ever have been so led astray!

So, you need not be surprised at my thus changing my sentiments. In addition, I was new to the service; and, "new brooms sweep clean," we are told--although, the special work of the room in which I was placed at the office was not by any means of an interesting character. In fact, it was rather the reverse, you will say, when I tell you what it consisted in.

Some eight of us were engaged from ten to four o'clock every day, six mortal hours, in checking a lot of old accounts, and bills, that had been paid and settled years before.

There was no benefit to be derived by the country, even if we _did_ detect an error of calculation, which was rarely the case; for, the money would not be refunded, be never-so-many minutes made of the incident--the parties concerned being commonly scattered all over the globe, and, if appealed to, would probably reply that they knew nothing now about the circ.u.mstance, and cared less, most likely.

And yet, there were we, day after day, made to go over and over these old vouchers, comparing them with ledgers and store-books, and all sorts of references, for no earthly good whatever!

It is thus, that much time is wasted and unrequired labour paid for in the public service, when, by judiciously doing away with unnecessary work, the number of clerks might be economised, and their labour consequently better remunerated.

You can't get men to become interested in unprofitable work.

My comrades in the Obstructor General's Office were jolly and cheerful enough, and old Smudge not too exacting and fault-finding. After a little experience, I managed to arrive at the knowledge of the exact amount of work which would satisfy him. If one did more than this, he thought you much too pus.h.i.+ng a fellow to belong to his slow, steady- going branch; and if less, why, you were an idle person, not worth your salt.

But, the whole thing was very tedious and dry to me. I could, get through Smudge's quantum of accounts easily in half my time:--the rest of my hours hung heavily on my hands.

One can't read the _Times_ all day, you know. The very obligation, too, to be tied down to a certain routine and chained to a desk, galled me.

I could have accomplished ten times the amount of labour I did, if I had been allowed to do it at my own convenience, and not forced to the ten to four regime.