A Will and No Will or A Bone for the Lawyers Part 7

_Lucy._ Sir, there's a Lady in deep Mourning below, who says she is your Niece.

_Skin._ If she is such a Canary Bird as her Brother that was here today, she may go to the Devil; however shew her up. (_Exit Lucy_)

She may be the reverse of him; we ought not to condemn a whole Family for one bad Person.

(_Enter_ LUCY, _showing in_ SHARK _who is dressed in Weeds_)

_Lucy._ Madam, this is your Uncle.

_Shar._ Sir, I have not the Honour to be known to you, but the Report of your Death has brought me to Town, to testify the Duty and Affection of an unworthy Niece for the best of Uncles.

_Skin._ A good well bred kind of a Woman. (_Aside to Lucy_) Ay, this is something like a Relation.

_Lucy._ I shall hear you sing another tune presently. (_Aside_)

_Skin._ Pray Niece, give me leave to salute you. You are welcome to London. (_Kisses him_) My Eyes are but bad--yet I think I can discover a strong Resemblance of my Sister in you. (_Peering in his Face_)

_Shar._ Yes Sir, I was reckoned very like my Mama before I was married, but frequent Child bearing you know, Sir, will alter a Woman strangely for the worse.

_Skin._ It will so, Niece; you are a Widow I perceive.

_Shar._ Yes Sir, an unfortunate Widow (_Weeps_). I never had a dry Eye since my Husband died.

_Skin._ Pray Niece, what did your Husband die of?

_Shar._ He broke his Neck a Fox Hunting.

_Skin._ Good lack, good lack! That was dreadful.

_Shar._ Ay Sir, and tho' I was but one and twenty when he died, he left me both a Widow and a Mother; so early a Grief you may be sure must have robbed me of my Bloom and has broke me mightily.

_Skin._ As you were a Widow, Niece, at one and twenty, I don't suppose your Husband left you many Children.

_Shar._ Fifteen, Sir.

_Skin._ Fifteen, Niece! (_Starting_)

_Shar._ Ay, fifteen, Sir; I was married at fourteen.

_Skin._ That was very young, Niece.

_Shar._ It was so, Sir; but young Girls can't keep now adays, so I ran away with him from the Boarding School. I had two Children by him every ten months for six Years, and I had three by him the seventh.

_Skin._ Upon my word you are a very good Breeder.

_Shar._ Yes Sir, I was always accounted so; besides, Sir, I have had two by him since his Death.

_Skin._ How, Madam, since his Death.

_Shar._ Yes Sir, and I am afraid I shall have some more, for a Word in your Ear, Sir--I find I am coming again, Sir.[3]

_Skin._ O Fye, Niece, O fye, fye--why Lucy, this Woman is as bad as her Brother.

_Lucy._ Indeed Sir, I am afraid so. (_Aside_)

_Skin._ But I'll try her a little further. Pray Niece, who has been your Companion _and Bedfellow_ for these two years past? For I presume you have not lain alone.

_Shar._ O Lord, Sir, not for the World! You must know, Uncle, I am greatly addicted to be afraid of Spirits, Ghosts, Witches, and Fairies, and so to prevent terrifying Dreams and Apparitions, _I took a Religious Gentleman, a very good Man to bed with me--an Itinerant Methodist, one Doctor Preach Field_.

_Skin._ Doctor Preach Field. I have heard of him.

_Shar._ O he's a very good man, Uncle, I a.s.sure you, _and very full of the Spirit_.

_Skin._ Lucy, have not I got a hopeful parcel of Relations? (_Aside_)

_Lucy._ Indeed Sir, I think this Lady is not extremely modest.

(_Aside_)

_Skin._ Why she ought to be whipped at the Cart's Tail (_Aside_); pray Niece, have not you a Brother in Town?

_Shar._ Yes Sir; he and I beat the Watch last night at Tom Kings.

_Skin._ O Monstrous! beat the Watch, Madam!

_Shar._ Yes Sir, and broke all the Lamps in the Parish.

_Skin._ Very pretty Employment for a Lady truly, and so, Madam, you came to Town merely to shew your Duty and Affection to me.

_Shar._ Yes Sir, and in hopes to be your Heir; we had a Report in the Country that you was Defunct; and I was in hopes to have found it true.

_Skin._ I am obliged to you, Madam.

_Shar._ There is another thing we have very current in the Country. I do not know how true it is.

_Skin._ What is it, I pray?

_Shar._ I have been told, Uncle, and from very good Hands, that you are little better than a Thief.

_Skin._ Madam!

_Shar._ And that you got all your Fortune by biting and sharping, extortion and cheating.

_Skin._ Harkee Madam, get out of my House this Minute, or I will order somebody to throw you out of the Window.

_Shar._ I have heard too that for several years past, you have been an old Fornicator, and that you have led a most wicked Life with this Girl.

_Lucy._ With me, Madam?

_Shar._ Yes, you naughty Creature, and _that your Fornication would have had carnal symptoms, but that he took most unnatural methods to prevent your Pregnancy_.