A Will and No Will or A Bone for the Lawyers Part 17

_Cank._ With all my Heart, Madam. Name your own Conditions; I will subscribe to them.

_Har._ Generous indeed, Mr. Canker; know then that I shall insist upon an entire Change not only in your Conduct but even in your way of thinking which will make you more agreeable to yourself and less hateful to everybody else.

_Cank._ Madam!

_Har._ It is a general Observation behind your back, however complaisant People may be to your Face, that Envy is your predominant Pa.s.sion and directs in all you say or do. "As ill natured and as Envious as Canker" is a common Simile among your Friends; and may in time grow into a Proverb, Sir, unless you change your Conduct.

_Cank._ Madam, when the Ignorant presume to judge of the finer Arts----

_Har._ Sir, your Satire is ill Nature--and your Judgment Envy.

Therefore if you have any hopes of me, you must reverse your Temper and come into the following Treaty: In the first place instead of making it the Business of your Life to wound the Reputation of your Scribblers on all Occasions and explode their Plays, you must endeavour to support them; what if you think their Productions bad, good or bad, you must approve.--Item, I insist that you look upon me as your Minerva, and that for the future you never presume to Scribble, Applaud, or Condemn without first consulting me.

_Cank._ Madam, I have a better Opinion of your Understanding than to think you mean all this seriously.

_Har._ Upon my Honour, then you are mistaken; I shall not marry any Man who dares refuse to comply with these Articles--So, Sir, if you think well of them, I desire you will give me an Instance of your Obedience and Sincerity by going with me to the new Comedy tomorrow Night, and publickly expressing the highest Applause at it.

_Cank._ Madam, you may with as much Justice ask me to reverse my Affections, to love what I loath, and detest what I admire. No Madam, Posterity shall never say such a wretched Performance as the Suspicious Husband had the _sanction of Francis Canker_.

_Har._ Then, Sir, your humble Servant--I am glad I know your Mind. Our Treaty ends here. (_Going, he holds her_)

_Cank._ Dear Harriet, stay! Why will you urge me to a Behaviour so contrary to my Nature? Consider, Madam, how ridiculous it will make me appear to the World. Why People will think me mad.

_Har._ You are mistaken, Sir; they will only think that your good Nature has at last got the better of your Envy.

_Cank._ Well but Madam----

_Har._ Well but Sir, I insist that you clap and laugh, nay and that you cry too.

_Cank._ Cry, Madam?

_Har._ Ay, cry, Sir--as soon as you see Mr. Strictland acknowledge his Error and sue to be reconciled to his Wife; if you have one humane particle in your Composition, I insist upon your Sympathizing with his conscious Heart by dropping a manly Tear along with him.

_Cank._ Madam, I can't come into all you command but what I can I will. When other People laugh, I'll cry, and when they cry, I'll laugh. Will that content you?

_Har._ O mighty well, Sir! Mighty well! I see you turn my Proposals into ridicule. (_Exit Harriet_)

_Cank._ What shall I do? Was ever Man laid under such a Restraint by a _trifling_ Woman! The Bawble and Gewgaw of the Creation! Made for Man's Conveniency, his Slave not his Tyrant! To part with my right of Censuring, my Judgment, my Understanding! S'Death, I would as soon part with my----

(_Enter a_ SERVANT)

_Serv._ Zir, here's Master Grubwit come to zeek you.

_Cank._ Desire him to walk in.

(_Enter_ GRUBWIT)

_Cank._ Dear Grubwit, how came you to stay so long? You need not tell me of the Success! I have been sufficiently mortified with it already!

Where is Plagiary?

_Grub._ Talking with my Lady Critick and the rest of the Company.

_Cank._ Did you call in at the Coffee House?

_Grub._ Yes, or we should have been with you sooner.

_Cank._ Well, and what's the Opinion there?

_Grub._ Um--why faith, I am sorry to say it--but it is--generally liked; there is Trifle and a few more of his Size of Understanding in Rapture about it; he avers Antiquity never produced so correct nor so entertaining a Piece, and in his extravagant Manner, returns Jupiter thanks for his having lived in a time when such a Comedy was written.

_Cank._ Blockheads! Fools! Idiots! what signifies Taste or Learning if such Wretches are suffered to have Sway in the Commonwealth of Letters!

(_Enter_ PLAGIARY)

_Plag._ A blundering Blockhead! He pretend to give his Judgment upon Writing!

_Cank._ What's the matter, Plagiary?

_Plag._ Why there's that staring Irish Baronet blundering out such fulsome Praise upon the New Play as is enough to make a sensible Man sick--I did but offer an Objection or two and my Lady Critick and the whole Knot opened upon me like a Pack of Hounds--I was forced to quit the Room.

_Cank._ I am amazed at my Lady Critick's liking it but I will soon convince her of her Error. But dear Plagiary, was there no Opportunity, nor no Attempt to hinder its Success?

_Plag._ _Not after it begun; before indeed, there was as promising a Spirit in the Pit as ever made an Author's Heart ache. They whistled, hollowed and catcalled and interrupted the Prologue for above ten Minutes._

_Cank._ Ay! That looked charming!

_Plag._ O delightful!--I would not have given Sixpence to have secured its Destruction--everybody around me concluded it a gone Play.

_Grub._ And so the[y] did about me I a.s.sure you.

_Plag._ If they had been possessed with the Spirit of Zoilus, they could not have behaved better before the Prologue was spoke; but the Instant the Curtain was drawn up, their Clamour changed to a fixed Attention, and their Prejudice to burst of Applause which made the Ring.

_Cank._ What, no hissing at all?

_Plag._ No, Sir!

_Cank._ Nor Catcalling?

_Plag._ None.

_Cank._ Nor groaning?

_Plag._ Not one, Sir.

_Cank._ Well if such Plays go down----

_Plag._ I pulled out my Handkerchief and blowed--and coughed--and hawked--and spit, a hundred times I believe, (_Makes a noise by blowing in his Handkerchief_) but was constantly interrupted with "Silence--pray, Sir, be silent--let us hear."

_Grub._ I heard you from the other side of the Pit and did the same but was interrupted too by the Fools about me.