A Will and No Will or A Bone for the Lawyers Part 15

_Cank._ Psha! an ignorant Creature, Mr. Heartly, your Servant; I'll go and see for the Ladies.

_Heart._ So you have nettled him, Mrs. Chatter.

_Chat._ O hang him, he can't abide me upon your Account and Miss Harriet's; a conceited envious Wretch; he will allow n.o.body to have Judgment but himself.

_Heart._ But pray what was your Distress, Mrs. Chatter?

_Chat._ Why as soon as I had dropped my Lady, away went I to the Play, and so, Sir, I mobbed it into the Pit--for you must know I admire the Humour of the Savages in the Pit upon these Occasions of all things; so, so, Sir, as I was saying my Lady Ramble's Woman who is the most ignorant Animal in the Creation of the Belles Lettres [and] knows no more of them than a Welch Attorney, well she and I and my Lord Pride's Gentleman went together and we had immense fun, ha, ha, ha; we made the Musick play twenty comical Tunes, and a hundred things besides. I saw all our Ladies in the side Box and we pantomimed all Night long at one another, and were immensely merry, and liked the Play vastly well.

There was an infinite [ly] pretty Dance at the End of it--and the sweetest Epilogue--We encored the Dance--but they begged they might speak the Epilogue first, so then we clapt immensely, ha, ha.

_Heart._ But I thought, Mrs. Chatter, you were going to give me an Account of your Distress.

_Chat._ I was so, but I protest I quite forgot it--hark! is not that our Coach stopped! Yes 'tis they--then--I beg pardon, Mr. Heartly, but I can't possibly stay to tell you the Story now, for I must run to my Lady. (_Exit_)

(_Enter_ HARRIET)

_Har._ O Mr. Candid, your Servant; you're a gallant Gentleman not to come to us. O you Clown! You have lost such a Night, such Diversion----

_Heart._ I am glad you were so well entertained, Madam, but you know it was impossible for me to have the Pleasure of waiting upon you, as I was obliged to attend my Uncle. Besides, Madam, I had your leave to be absent. I am glad to hear the Play had such Success; pray how does my Lady like it?

_Har._ O immoderately!

_Heart._ How happened that? She went prejudiced against it, I am sure.

_Har._ O Canker did insinuate a most villainous character of it to us all, that's the truth on't; but _Sir Charles Stanza who is a great Friend of the Author's_ came into our Box and sat there all Night with us; and what with his Encomiums and the Merit of the Piece, we are all become most Violent Converts; and now my Lady like a true Proselyte is for persecuting everybody with the Brand of Idiotism who is out of the Pale of her Ladys.h.i.+p's Judgment.

_Heart._ A true mark of Biggotry and Ignorance.

_Har._ You know she is as fond of a New Wit, as a City Esquire who is setting up to be one himself; so she begged Sir Charles would introduce her to the Author, and he was so very obliging as to promise to bring him here to sup this very Night.

_Heart._ That was a high Compliment indeed to a Lady of her Fondness for Authors.

_Har._ O it has won her Heart; she's distracted with it.

_Heart._ But dear Harriet, now to our Affairs. You see there is no getting the better of this Fellow Canker; he has got the entire Possession of your Aunt, and she is resolved by Marriage Contract to give you to him this very Night. What's to be done?

_Har._ What's to be done? Why twenty things; I'll have the Vapours, Hystericks, Cholick and Madness rather than consent, and at last if my Aunt does persist, as I am afraid she will, why, like Jacyntha in the new Play, it is but providing a Ladder of Ropes and a pair of Breeches, and then the Business is done.

_Heart._ Dear Girl, you have eased my anxious Heart; thus let me pay my soft Acknowledgment.

_Har._ Thus let me pay my soft Acknowledgment. Ha, ha, ha! (_Mimicking him_) Upon my Word and Honour you make as ridiculous a Figure as a whining Lover in a Farce. Prithee let us have done with this theatrical Cant.

_Heart._ No, Harriet, I can never have done Loving you.

_Har._ Why I don't desire you to have done loving me; I only bid you have done telling me so--if you would please me, love me more and tell me less.

_Heart._ Dear kind Creature! (_Kissing her Hand_) Pray what's become of my Lady?

_Har._ Apropos, do you know that the Irish Beau that we laughed at so immoderately the other Night at the Opera, came into our Box and set there all the Play?

_Heart._ Who, Sir Patrick Bashfull?

_Har._ The same. The Rogue has plagued me to Death with his Civilities, his Compliments and his Blunders; he is the most fulsome Fellow sure that ever pretended to Politeness.

_Heart._ Yes but the best Jest is that the Rogue is ashamed of his Country and says he was born in France.

_Har._ Well after sighing and making doux yeux at me all play time, he would hand me to the Coach; but the Fellow squeezed me so as we went along, that I was obliged to cry out and pull my hand away; when we were in the Coach, I thought we had got rid of him, but the Instant the Footman knocked at our Door, to our great Surprize who should we find at the Coach side ready to hand us out but our Irish Gallant. We could not avoid asking him in; he made a Million of Apologies for his a.s.surance, but his chief one was that he observed two suspicious Fellows d.o.g.g.i.ng the Coach, so he followed us home to prevent our being insulted.

_Heart._ Ha, ha, ha, I think it was a good Irish Excuse; and pray where is he now?

_Har._ I left him below with my Lady overwhelming her with Civilities--See here they both come.

(_Enter Lady_ CRITICK _and Sir_ PATRICK BASHFULL)

_Lady._ Sir Patrick, we are immensely obliged to you for the Trouble you have taken, and be a.s.sured, Sir, we shall languish to perpetuity 'till time shall produce a favourable opportunity of my making a suitable Return.

_Sir Pat._ O dear Madam, every Man of Gallantry must esteem the bare Serving of your Ladys.h.i.+p an unmentionable Honour, which ought to be held in the highest Estimation; and I protest to you, if this Accident happens to be productive of a Friendly Intimation betwixt a Personage of your Ladys.h.i.+p's Wit and Politeness and your humble Slave, I shall from thence date the Era of my past and future happiness tho' I was to live an Age of Misery afterwards.

_Heart._ O the blundering fulsome Rogue! (_Aside to Harriet_)

_Lady._ Really I am at a Loss how to return this great Civility.

_Sir Pat._ O Lord, Madam, not in the least--You are only pleased to compliment. (_They compliment in dumbshew apart_)

_Har._ See, see, Sir Patrick and my Lady what pains they take to shew their Politeness.

_Lady._ And I shall be proud of the Honour of a Visit whenever it suits the Inclination and Conveniency of Sir Patrick Bashfull.

_Sir Pat._ Madam, je suis votre tres humble.

_Lady._ O dear Sir Patrick, you are infinitely polite. (_Turning about to Heartly and Harriet_) O Mr. Heartly, I am sorry you did not come to us; I pity you, you have lost such a Night.

_Heart._ I am glad to hear your Ladys.h.i.+p was so agreeably entertained.

_Lady._ Immensely! _It is the highest Entertainment the Age has produced._

_Sir Pat._ By my Integrity, Madam, I have the Honour to be of your Ladys.h.i.+p's Opinion. It is the prettiest Entertainment I have seen upon the English Theatre, except Orpheus and Eurydice, where the Serpent is--(_Going up to Heartly_) Sir, I have not the Pleasure of being known to you--but I should be proud to have the Honour of an Intimacy with a Gentleman of your polite Parts and Understanding.

_Heart._ Sir, I am greatly obliged to you.

_Sir Pat._ You must know, Sir, I am but just come into the Kingdom of London, and as I am an entire Stranger here, I should be glad to be acquainted with everybody in the Beau Monde, but with none so soon as a Gentleman of Mr.--pray Sir, what's your Name?

_Heart._ Sir, my Name is Heartly.

_Sir Pat._ Sir, I am your most obedient humble Servant, and your sincere Friend and Acquaintance likewise--tho' I have the Honour only to be a Stranger to you as yet.

_Heart._ Sir, your humble Servant.