All the Days of My Life: An Autobiography Part 15

Then, in a sudden pa.s.sion of anger, I cried out, "I think so, too. He treats me as if I was a doll or a dog. He tells me nothing. I have the cruelest part of every sorrow to bear--the part not sure. It is a shame! It is a great wrong! My heart is sick with anxiety that does no good. At the last, he has to tell. I cannot bear it!"

"All the women have it to bear."

"Then shame to the men who lay on them such a useless burden."

"We have a saying that women's counsel is ill luck."

"It is the want of it that is ill luck. I never saw that Huddersfield man but once, yet I told Robert to beware of him."

"People say that you have been a gey, extravagant wife, Amelia."

"People lie!" I answered hotly. "I have saved two hundred and eight pounds in eighteen months, out of the money given me for housekeeping expenses."

"Then Robert has been extravagant, and given you too much money."

"He gave me exactly what he gave you, for the same purpose. He told me so."

"And you have saved two hundred and eight pounds! Well, well! Where is it?"

"In my bank."

She looked at me not unkindly, and I said, "Mother! Mother! If you and Jessy would have only directed me, I would gladly have obeyed your desires. If you would have only stood by me, no one would have seen any faults in my way of dressing, and doing things. Amelia Barr is no different from Amelia Huddleston, and under that name every one loved and praised me."

"Well, well, married women are little thought of--except by the one man--and not always much thought of by him."

"Try to like me, Mother. I could so easily love you, and I will do all as you wish it," and, as I spoke, I went to her side and lifted her hand.

"Please G.o.d," she answered, "there is plenty of time to put wrong right. Will you give me a cup of tea now?"

"Forgive me, I forgot."

"That is just it," she answered. "You forget. You should have offered it to me, when I first came in."

Then I did all I could to redeem the forgetting, and she said, "Take a cup yourself; it will do you good, and tomorrow send for John Forbes."

"I do not trust John Forbes."

"Neither do I," she answered quickly, "it is little he knows of the English law about any matter. What will you do then?"

"Go to a Councillor, who never yet deceived me."

"I understand, but I'm not sure if that is right, Amelia. Going to G.o.d about chairs and tables, and the like of such things is not at all respectful."

"We are told to pray about our bread and clothing, because 'G.o.d knows we have need of such things.'"

"Your own way, be it. Tell Robert I am willing to help--if needs be."

"There will be no need, Mother."

"You're a queer woman." She rose as she spoke, and said it would soon be dark, and she must hurry, for lots of drunken men and women would be on the streets seeing it was the New Year. Then I fastened her cloak and furs, and said,

"Kiss me, Mother."

A look of the uttermost discomfiture and confusion came into her face.

She hesitated, and fingered her bonnet strings, but finally bent her head slightly, and allowed me to kiss her. Then suddenly I recollected that the family kiss was a thing practically unknown in Scotch households, and that Robert had more than once told me that he never remembered his mother kissing him, in all his life. But the momentary disconcertion pa.s.sed, and I believed I had won a step in the old lady's favor, and I was glad of it, for she had some excellencies, and her faults were the faults of race, education, and life-long habit and experiences.

Within an hour after her departure, my own dear mother came to me, and two days later, my daughter Mary was born, "a bonnie wee la.s.sie, world-like, and wise-like," said the old nurse pleasantly. She kept her sixtieth birthday a week ago, and may G.o.d spare her to keep her eightieth as well, and as joyfully. After the birth of Mary, her father's affairs began to settle, and it was not necessary for him to travel so constantly between Glasgow and Huddersfield. And the furniture question gave me neither trouble nor anxiety. I took it to the Highest Court, and the Best Councillor known to man, and I never heard of it again. Robert did not speak of it to me, and I asked him no questions. There are times in life when it is wisest to let sleeping dogs lie, and I thought this subject was one of such occasions. About May Robert received his certificate of just and lawful bankruptcy, and was free to reopen his warehouse and recommence his business.

But I could see it was hard and discouraging work. An American can hardly estimate how cruel an English bankruptcy is. On its business side, I could only form opinions from Robert's depression and remarks; but I could see, and feel, and hear on every hand, the social ostracism it entails. The kindest heart quickly drops the friend who has failed. The man is never forgiven by his family. Years cannot efface the stain, nor future success give back his former social position, or ever dispel the uncertainty of his business reputation.

Now bankruptcy is not the unpardonable sin in the United States that it is--or was--in England and Scotland, and one of the things which struck me most forcibly, when I came to America, was the indifference with which men spoke of "being broke," or having failed here or there, or in this, or that line of business, taking misfortune as cheerily as good fortune, and beginning again and again until they at last succeeded.

With small economies, small anxieties, and one man's ceaseless struggle against misfortune, the next year pa.s.sed away. Hitherto, I had always felt a contempt for struggling men; I had told myself, that their opportunities were so many, there was no excuse for the strife.

If one thing, or one place was unfavorable, they could go elsewhere; the whole world was a market-place for their hands, or their brains.

But during this year I discovered my mistake. Robert was tied by invisible bonds, and he had not the strength--perhaps not the will--to burst them asunder.

As for myself, I was busy with my house, and my child, my music, and books, my needle, and my correspondence with my home, and I could have been quite content with these sources of pleasure, if Robert had been in any measure satisfied and successful. But he could not hide from me the anxiety which was making his life a burden hard to bear. It was then the idea of exile, of a new country, new surroundings, and an entirely new effort, unhampered by the debris of an old failure, took possession of my mind; for this one year's dismaying results satisfied me that nothing but the most radical changes would be of any use. But I was daily expecting the birth of my second child, and I told myself that nothing could be done for another month. I was, however, mistaken. Robert came home one night in such evident distress, that I was sure it arose from some social slight, and I asked, "Whatever has vexed you so much today, Robert?"

"Why, Milly," he said, "three things: My old Sunday school teacher, to whom I am much attached, pa.s.sed me without a word, and then turned back and said angrily, 'Man Robert! I'm disappointed in you. I'm sair disappointed! I thought you were going to be a rich man, and a pillar o' the Kirk.' I said, 'It is not my fault, Deacon.' 'It is your fault,' he continued, 'whatna for, did you buy Alexander Hastie's business, if you didna ken how to run it? Hastie is now our member to Parliament, and you hae disgraced the whole city o' Glasgow, by letting a business so weel kent in his name, go to the dogs. I wonder me, what your good father would say to the disgrace you hae brought on his name, and I am sorry, _Dod_! I'm heart sorry for your poor mother.'"

"O Robert! How cruel! How unjust!"

"I cannot live down such prejudice, Milly. It is impossible. He had scarcely left me, when I saw Mrs. Semple coming towards me. She hesitated a moment, then went into a small jeweler's shop to avoid the meeting. This afternoon Mother came to my office, and we had some very hard words, about a piece of property that is solely and entirely my own."

"Have you anything left, that is your own?"

"This piece of property is. Once, when I had plenty of money, I helped Donald McLeod to save it, and when he died, three months ago, he left it to me."

"Hold to it fast, Robert," I said. "I beg you not to touch it for anything."

"Donald told me he had left it for an 'emergency,' and I am keeping it till that time arrives."

"That time is now here, dear Robert. As soon as my trouble is past, let us go far away from Scotland, and begin a new life. You are not twenty-nine years old, and I am only twenty-two. Shall we give up our lives to a ceaseless, contemptible struggle, that brings us neither money nor respect? Somewhere in the world, there is peace and good fortune for us. We will go and find it."

"Are you really willing to leave Scotland, Milly?"

"I will go to the end of the earth with you, Robert."

Then he leaped to his feet, and his face was s.h.i.+ning, and he kissed me tenderly, "Where shall we go?" he asked. "Canada? India? Australia?"

"What do you say to the United States?" I answered. "Tomorrow I will send to the library for books on all these countries. We will read and consider, and try to be ready to leave Scotland, about the middle of August."

"At the middle of August? Why that date?"

"Because, about any new movement, it is good to have some one point decided. That is a foundation. We are going to seek good fortune about the middle of August. Let us regard that date as positive, Robert. It is our first step."

He was by this time in an enthusiasm of fresh hope, and we sat talking till nearly three in the morning, and, if any acquaintance met him that day, they must have thought "Robert Barr has had some good luck.

He was like his old self today." Indeed the prospect of this new life brought back again the old cheerful Robert. Every day he came home with some fresh idea on the subject, or told me of something done to forward our plans. Among other incidental arrangements, he insisted on keeping our intention from the knowledge of his family. He feared his mother's influence and interference. John Blackie had been urging his release from any further care of the Barr estate, and Robert's name would be necessary to many papers in connection with this change, and unavoidable delays result. It also gave an air of romance to the flitting, which took it out of the role of ordinary emigration. And I will be truthful, and confess, that it pleased me to think of his mother's and sister's futile dismay, when they discovered we had escaped forever the shadows and petty humiliations of a conventional Scotch life.