Mr. Punch's Railway Book - LightNovelsOnl.com
You're reading novel online at LightNovelsOnl.com. Please use the follow button to get notifications about your favorite novels and its latest chapters so you can come back anytime and won't miss anything.
[Ill.u.s.tration: RISKS
_Shrewd Clerk (with an eye to his percentage)._ "Take an accident insurance ticket, sir?"
_Pa.s.senger (nervously)._ "Wha' for?!"
_Clerk._ "Well, sir, nothing has gone wrong 'twixt this and London for the last fourteen months; and, by the haverages, the next smash on the hup line is hoverdue exactly six weeks and three days!!"
[_Old Gent forks out with alacrity._]
TO MY "PUFF PUFF"
Puff me away from the noise and the worry; Puff me away from the desolate town; Puff me--but don't be in too great a hurry; Puff me, but don't in a tunnel break down.
Puff me away to my loved Isle of Thanet Swiftly--or e'en at the pace called the snail's, Puff me the sea-breeze, and pleasantly fan it Into my nostrils--but don't leave the rails.
Puff me away, far from Parliament's houses; For brown moors of Scotland my soul is athirst-- For a smell of the heather, a pop at the grouses; Puff me, but mind that your boiler don't burst.
Puff me _en route_ for care-killing Killarney, Tenderly take me, as bridegroom his bride; Bear me towards Erin, blest birthplace of Blarney, Puff, puff, like blazes--but, _please_, don't "collide!"
[Ill.u.s.tration: DIGNITY AND IMPUDENCE
_Customer_ (Time--_Sat.u.r.day afternoon_). "I don't want all coppers in change for that s.h.i.+lling. Haven't you got any silver?"
_Newsboy._ "All right, sir. Want a little Sunday money, I s'pose, sir?"]
TO A RAILWAY FOOT-WARMER
At first I loved thee--thou wast warm,-- The porter called thee "'ot," nay, "bilin'."
I tipped him as thy welcome form He carried, with a grateful smile, in.
Alas! thou art a faithless friend, Thy warmth was but dissimulation; Thy tepid glow is at an end, And I am nowhere near my station!
I s.h.i.+ver, cold in feet and hands, It is a legal form of slaughter, They don't warm (!) trains in other lands With half a pint of tepid water.
I spurn thy coldness with a kick, And pile on rugs as my protectors, I'd send--to warm them--to Old Nick, Thy parsimonious directors!
DIFFERENT WAYS OF TRAVELLING.--Man travels to expand his ideas; but woman--judging from the number of boxes she invariably takes with her--travels only with the object of expanding her dresses.
"THE BEST OF MOTIVES."--Locomotives.
[Ill.u.s.tration: "A LIBERAL MEASURE"
_Rude Boy (to stout party on weighing-machine, which is out of order, and won't work)._ "Shove in another penny, guv'nor. It's double fare to chaps o' your size!"]
FOXHUNTER'S DEFINITION OF A MAIL-TRAIN.--A Post and Rails.
AS A RULE.--"Signal Failures"--Railway accidents.
THREE RAILWAY GAUGES.--Trains are made for the Broad Gauge, the Narrow Gauge, and the Lug-gage.
[Ill.u.s.tration: ZOOLOGY
_Railway Porter (to old lady travelling with a menagerie of pets)._ "'Station-master say, mum, as cats is 'dogs,' and rabbits is 'dogs,' and so's parrots; but this ere 'tortis' is a insect, so there ain't no charge for it!"]
[Ill.u.s.tration: LOGIC
_Stout Party._ "What! no room! Ain't that man just got out? If people can get out, people can get in!"]
THE QUICKEST OF ALL EXPRESS TRAINS.--The train of thought.
STARTLING RAILWAY ACCIDENT.--A punctual train.
KEEP YOUR TEMPER.--Avoid entering into an argument with a deaf man in a railway carriage, as it is sure to lead to high words.
"DON'T TOUCH ME, OR I'LL SCREAM!" as the engine whistle said to the stoker.
[Ill.u.s.tration: "A MAN AND A Pa.s.sENGER!"
