The Funny Philosophers Part 8

"And not to know what they are to be until I get on the field?"

"Such is the agreement," said the second.

"Wiggins, what sort of terms are these?" exclaimed Botts.

"They were the best I could obtain. My opinion is, that this Captain Bragg, although he a.s.sociates with gentlemen, is little better than a desperado. He has lived among savages the greater part of his life, and, as I am told, has been boasting of having fought a duel with a boomerang, or a harpoon, or something of the sort. He is a reckless and desperate man, and cares not for consequences. Had I not agreed to the compromise proposed by his second, I am confident that he would have posted you as a coward."

"These are hard terms," said Botts; "but I suppose they must be accepted."

"They have been accepted," said Wiggins. "And now I must leave you, Mr.

Botts, for I have an engagement with a fair lady. At an hour before daybreak I will be at your room; and we will, of course, proceed in company to the ground."

In the solitude of his chamber, Botts began to give way to gloomy reflections. It was evident that his antagonist was a most desperate and determined man. He had lived among savages and cannibals, and the proposal to fight with broad-axes was ample proof of the barbarity of his disposition. And Wiggins had consented that Botts should come on the ground in entire ignorance of the weapons to be used. Could it be doubted that his adversary would select some barbarous implement of butchery, familiar to himself but unknown to civilized duelists? When the challenger took his position, a harpoon or a boomerang might be thrust into his hand; or Bragg might enter the field armed with a tomahawk and scalping-knife, and raising the war-whoop. Botts was a brave man, but he shuddered and s.h.i.+vered as if an icicle had been thrust down his back. He saw that death was inevitable, and he resolved to die with decency. Having procured writing materials, he carefully prepared his last will and testament, and proceeded to execute it with the proper formalities. He then wrote a number of letters to absent friends, bidding them a final and affectionate farewell. Those doc.u.ments he carefully sealed with black wax, and left lying on his table.

Much time was consumed in these preparations, and before the business was concluded the sun had sunk behind the horizon and the stars had appeared in the heavens. Botts took his seat at a window; but he could not remain quiescent. The agitation of his mind impelled him to physical locomotion. He seized his hat and rushed into the street. He hurried along until he had reached the outskirts of the town, where he would not be molested by crowds of gay and happy mortals, talking and laughing in the full enjoyment of an existence of which he was so soon to be deprived. The doomed man now stood alone in a deserted common. He gazed upward at the heavens. From the innumerable mult.i.tude of s.h.i.+ning orbs over his head, he selected a star in which his spirit was to dwell after its departure from these sublunary scenes. Botts did not return to his room. He thought not of his comfortable bed at the hotel. During the long hours of the silent night he continued to walk to and fro on the outskirts of the town, a melancholy man, meditating on his latter end and gazing upward at the celestial dwelling-place which he had selected for his residence after his immolation on the field of honor.

CHAPTER VIII.

Just before the peep of day Captain Bragg, accompanied by his second, repaired to the spot selected for the duel. Toney had informed his princ.i.p.al of the terms agreed upon by Wiggins and himself, and the old warrior forbore to make any inquiry in relation to the weapons to be used on the occasion; Tom Seddon having kindly undertaken to convey them to the ground during the night, so as to avoid observation. Bragg expressed his satisfaction with the arrangement, and reiterated his readiness to fight with any weapon, even with a gun loaded with Greek fire, or with hot water, as Seddon again suggested.

As they came in sight of the dueling-ground, Bragg suddenly halted and said, in a tone of vexation,--

"Mr. Belton, we will be interrupted."

"Why so?" inquired Toney.

"There is a gypsy camp in the grove. I perceive their fires among the trees."

"You are mistaken, Captain Bragg. There are no gypsies within a hundred miles of us. No doubt Seddon has kindled a fire with dry sticks. Let us go on."

They now entered the grove, and Bragg stood still with a look of amazement. At twelve paces apart were two fires, each kept alive by a negro, who was busily employed in piling on fuel. Over each fire was an iron pot filled with water, in a state of active ebullition. In the s.p.a.ce between the two fires was Tom Seddon, walking to and fro with his hands behind his back, giving directions to his sable a.s.sistants who had charge of the pots.

"By the powers of mud!" exclaimed Bragg, "what does this mean?"

"It means," said Toney, "that everything is prepared, and that we are only waiting for the arrival of Botts. Tom, have you got the guns ready?"

"Here they are," said Tom, producing two tin tubes painted black and about the size of a musket-barrel. Each had a rod projecting from one end and a nozzle on the other. Seddon handed one of them to Bragg, saying, "Here is your weapon, captain."

"What is this?" inquired Bragg.

"It is your gun," said Seddon.

"Gun--gun! Do you call this a gun?" said Bragg.

"I most certainly do," said Seddon.

"You had better load the gun, Tom," said Belton, "and show the captain how it is to be used."

Tom took the tube, and, putting the nozzle in the pot of boiling water nearest to him, drew back the rod. He then brought the tube up horizontally, and called out to the negro having charge of the other pot, "Stand out of the way there, Hannibal!" Hannibal dodged to one side, and Seddon, with a vigorous thrust of the rod, threw a stream of scalding water from the nozzle to a distance of more than forty feet.

"There, captain," said Tom, "if Botts stands before such a discharge as that, he is as brave a man as ever wore breeches."

"What devil's work is this?" said Bragg. "Do you suppose that I am going to stand over a witch's caldron and have a man squirt hot water at me until he has put out my eyes and scalded all the hair off my head?"

"You will have an opportunity to show your coolness in the midst of danger," said Seddon; "you will, undoubtedly, put your adversary to flight. I'll bet that Botts don't stand before a single discharge. If he does, he should have license to beat any man's monkey when he is in a belligerent humor. And, captain, did you not express your willingness to fight with a gun loaded with hot water? Now, here are the guns, and there are Caesar and Hannibal with an abundant supply of ammunition."

"And it is too late to make other arrangements," said Belton. "It is broad daylight, and Botts will be on the ground in a moment. I hope you are not going to back down, Captain Bragg."

"Back down!" exclaimed Bragg. "I would have you know that I never back down. I would have fought with a harpoon, or a boomerang, or anything of the sort; but who ever heard of hot water employed in combats between man and man? It is devil's work!"

"Captain Bragg, you are mistaken," said Seddon. "Hot water has often been used in wars between civilized nations. Did you never hear of the fighting aeolipile?"

"What is that?" inquired Bragg.

"A tube filled with scalding fluid, which was projected in the face of the enemy. The Egyptians, the a.s.syrians, and the Greeks were accustomed to use these weapons, and to put their enemies to flight with them, as I am certain that you will put Botts to flight."

"Hot water was used on one occasion in modern warfare with great efficiency," said Belton. "The bravest troops in the army of Napoleon the Great were baffled and held at bay by it."

"Where was that?" asked Bragg.

"In Spain,"[3] said Toney. "The Spanish troops were routed. They dropped their arms on the field and fled into a nunnery. The French had no artillery, and attempted to take the place by a _coup de main_. But the petticoats were prepared for them. From every window pails of hot water were poured down upon them. The French troops could stand anything but that. They fell back. They gave way; whole platoons cutting the most prodigious capers; patting the posterior parts of their persons with their open palms and performing sundry difficult and extraordinary evolutions."

"Beaten by hot water!" said Seddon.

"Yes," said Toney. "Their brave general, who bore on his person the scars of scores of battles, attempted to rally them; but they refused to advance. Maddened by the apparent poltroonery of his troops, he seized a musket, and, rus.h.i.+ng forward, commenced battering at the door with its b.u.t.t. The door gave way, and the brave general was suddenly precipitated forward. Before he could recover himself the petticoats were upon him.

With loud cries they seized him by the locks, while their nails made frightful ravages in his face. Blinded, and baffled, and breathless, and faint, he retreated without the door. A shower of hot water descended from above, and, with a loud outcry, the old hero advanced backward with amazing celerity, until, striking his foot against a stone, he fell, 'with his back to the field and his feet to the foe.' The door was closed, the petticoats stood ready at the windows with their pails full of hot water, and the besiegers were utterly disheartened."

"Did the French retreat? Did they abandon the contest?" asked Seddon.

"No," said Toney. "Napoleon rode on the field. He was enraged at the timidity of his troops. He ordered up a battalion of the Old Guard. It was all over with the garrison then. Their fires had gone out, and their water was cold. They prayed to every saint in the calendar, and made an especial appeal to Joshua, the son of Nun, to save them. It was of no avail. The door was battered down, the Imperial Guard marched in, and the captured petticoats were led away as the musicians struck up the tone, 'I won't be a Nun.'"

"So you see, Captain Bragg, that hot water has been employed in both ancient and modern warfare," said Seddon. "And brave men have fled before it. If you stand firmly before the shower discharged by Botts from yonder tube, n.o.body will ever dare to dispute your courage."

"If Botts can stand it, I can," said Bragg, doggedly. "But," said he,--and his face brightened up as he looked at his watch,--"I will remain here no longer. The sun is up, Mr. Belton, and where is the challenger?"

"Yonder comes his second," said Seddon.

Bragg's countenance was instantly beclouded.

"Good-morning, Mr. Wiggins," said Belton. "I do not see your princ.i.p.al.

Where is Mr. Botts?"

"He has fled," said Wiggins.

"Fled?" said Belton.