The Funny Philosophers Part 55

"Pate, you'll be singing another song to-morrow, when----"

Fortune, whom we've trusted blindly, She may deal with us unkindly; At her freaks we're lightly laughing, As the bright wine we are quaffing, When we mingle heart and soul O'er the flowing, foaming bowl.

"You are as crazy as a bedlamite!" exclaimed Toney, "When you come to your senses, you will consider this the greatest misfortune that----"

Glorious rainbows, s.h.i.+ne forever O'er misfortune's clouds, and never Fade away from a good fellow In his gla.s.ses growing mellow, When we mingle heart and soul O'er the flowing, foaming bowl.

"Well, go ahead!" said Toney, turning on his heels. "Go ahead, if you think there is no hereafter----"

Give the night to song and laughter,-- Care may come, perchance, hereafter; We will linger till the morning Smileth with a rosy warning, When we'll mingle heart and soul O'er a flowing, parting bowl.

Pate continued to conduct himself in this outrageous manner, notwithstanding the repeated and earnest remonstrances of his friends, until the morning on which the vessel was to sail, when the Professor found him, with a rueful countenance, sitting on the stool of repentance. They proceeded to the office of the hotel to settle their bills.

In Brazil they have an imaginary coin, corresponding to the mill of our decimal currency, in which, when making out a bill, they compute the amount, putting before the sum charged the identical mark which is prefixed to the Federal dollar, so that a stranger, whose debit is ten dollars, sees on the bill $10.000. The Professor was aware of this mode of computation, but M. T. Pate was not. The latter was therefore utterly astounded when his bill was handed to him, and he saw charged on it $55.000. Pate turned deadly pale when he perceived the heavy sum he was expected to pay; and Toney and the Professor took him aside and told him that, while so dreadfully intoxicated, he had broken and destroyed much valuable property in the hotel, and that the damage was charged in the bill. Pate was now shocked at the consequences of his indiscretion, and exclaimed,--

"Oh, that a man should be such a fool!"

"As to put an enemy in his mouth to steal away his brains," said the Professor.

"What am I to do?" cried Pate.

"Pay the bill," said Toney.

"I cannot. It is impossible for me to pay so large a sum of money," said Pate.

"I am sorry for that," said the Professor. "In Brazil there is imprisonment for debt."

"What?" exclaimed Pate, in extreme terror.

"There is imprisonment for debt in this country," said the Professor; "and if you do not pay the bill, the proprietor of the hotel will have you put in the calaboose."

"Where you may have to remain during your whole life," said Toney.

"Oh! oh!" cried Pate, looking as pale as a ghost. "What--what shall I do?"

"Get the money and pay the bill," said Toney.

"I cannot--I cannot!" said Pate, perspiring from every pore.

"This is a great calamity," said the Professor. "Only to think of a man having to spend, perhaps, forty years of his life in prison!"

"To end his days in a dungeon!" said Toney, sadly.

"Gentlemen--gentlemen! what--what shall I do?" exclaimed Pate, groaning piteously.

"Toney," said the Professor, "an expedient suggests itself to my mind, but I am doubtful of its propriety."

"What is it?" asked Toney.

"Do you think that it would be morally wrong for Mr. Pate to take French leave?"

"I do not," said Toney. "He cannot pay the bill, and unless he escapes as speedily as possible he may have to die in prison. A man may do anything to preserve his liberty. Besides, when Mr. Pate returns from California with his gold, he can stop at Rio and pay the bill."

"I will! I will!" exclaimed Pate. "I will pay every dollar of it!"

"Come here, Mr. Pate," said the Professor. And he and Toney conducted him to the street and pointed towards the harbor.

"Run!" said the Professor.

"Run!--run!" exclaimed Toney.

"Run, Pate!--run!" cried Tom Seddon, who had followed them out.

The delinquent debtor looked around to see if his ruthless creditor was watching him, and then darted down the street and ran at full speed until he reached the water's edge, when he leaped into a boat, and told the men to row as fast as they could for the s.h.i.+p. In the mean while Toney and the Professor returned to the office of the hotel and quietly settled the bill with the contents of Pate's purse, which they had taken from his pocket while he was intoxicated, and still retained in their possession for safe keeping.

When M. T. Pate came near the s.h.i.+p, he beheld the extraordinary spectacle of a human body rising from the surface of the water and hanging high in the air, with its arms and legs desperately striking out, as if seeking to test, by a practical experiment, the possibility of swimming in that uncertain element. After dangling over the deck for a short s.p.a.ce of time, it disappeared behind the bulwarks.

Pate witnessed the awful spectacle with a feeling of intense horror.

"Great heavens!" he exclaimed, "has the captain taken upon himself the responsibility of ordering an execution? What a daring exercise of arbitrary power! It is dangerous to go on board! The brutal tyrant might hang any of his pa.s.sengers!"

He was about to order the men to row back to the sh.o.r.e when he recollected the danger which there awaited him. He was between Scylla and Charybdis. In the mean while the Brazilian boatmen, who, with their backs towards the s.h.i.+p and their ignorance of the English language, neither witnessed the startling phenomenon nor understood the meaning of Pate's exclamation, vigorously plied their oars, and soon brought the boat to the vessel's side. Pale with terror and trembling in every joint, Pate looked up and beheld a number of pa.s.sengers on deck laughing immoderately. Their mirth convinced him that no tragedy had been enacted, and he went on board where he learned that Hercules had been captured on sh.o.r.e and brought alongside lying in the boat in a helpless condition superinduced by inebriation. A perplexing consultation among his captors was cut short by Old Nick, who, having made ready a rope, leaped into the boat, and putting a stout band around the body of the giant, hooked on,--and up he went, with his imperfectly articulated maledictions mingling with the hearty "Heave ho!" of Peter and Paul, who were hoisting him on deck.

Thus was Hercules held up as an example to all evildoers; and when the Professor reached the s.h.i.+p, and was informed of the circ.u.mstance, he gravely remarked that men who were so imprudent as to indulge in the excessive use of strong drinks would sometimes become wonderfully elevated.

CHAPTER XLI.

The mortification of M. T. Pate at having been compelled to leave the Brazilian Empire as an absconding debtor was intense, and he was now teased and tormented by his comrades in the most unmerciful manner.

They told him that as soon as his ruthless creditor discovered his flight he would apply to the Emperor for redress, who would dispatch a swift-sailing man-of-war to capture him; and that he would be carried back and imprisoned in the calaboose until he had paid the last dump of the debt. Whenever a sail hove in sight, some one would cry out, "There comes the Brazilian vessel in pursuit of Pate;" when all would advise him to secrete himself in the hold of the s.h.i.+p, and said that they would inform the captain of the man-of-war that he had unfortunately fallen overboard when off Cape Frio.

He was so worried by these pitiless jokes that he became misanthropic, and finally refused to a.s.sociate with any of the pa.s.sengers. He would leave the cabin, where at night there were usually much fun and merriment, and where he was sure to be the b.u.t.t of some cruel jest, and, going upon deck, would seat himself upon a stool and brood in solitude over his misery, until he was in a sound sleep.

One night there was a dead calm upon the waters, and not a sound was heard except the flapping of a sail as the s.h.i.+p rolled over a wave, or the monotonous notes which proceeded from the perforations in the nasal protuberance of the melancholy Pate, who had fallen asleep as he sat on his stool. But suddenly there is an unnatural noise, and a frightful fluttering overhead, and down it comes--a ghostlike creature!--long, lean, and spectral!--with two gigantic wings beating wildly about! With a chorus of strange cries it tumbles upon deck, upsetting the unlucky Pate, who with a loud yell of terror, rolls over and over into the scupper; while Peter and Paul, headed by Old Nick, rush thither and mingle with a crowd of pa.s.sengers who come from the cabin. And there they behold poor Pate lying on his back in the scupper, and yelling "murder," with the strength of his lungs; while over him stands Moses, glorying in his achievement. He had espied a b.o.o.by-bird roosting upon the mainyard, and with a catlike step crept up and effected its capture.

And thus the sudden and unexpected descent of the two b.o.o.bies upon the deck was the cause of all this commotion. The position of Pate, as he lay on his back in the scupper, bawling "murder!" with the b.o.o.by beating him with its wing, was exceedingly ludicrous. He was now teased until he was driven to the border of desperation. Tom Seddon had, with thoughtless levity, revealed the existence of the Mystic Brotherhood, and made known the fact that M. T. Pate was the n.o.ble Grand Gander of the order. After this revelation there was no more peace for poor Pate on board the s.h.i.+p. At the table some one would call out in a loud voice and inquire if the n.o.ble Grand Gander would be helped to a piece of the duff, when there would be a general roar of laughter. In the morning, when he came from his bunk, many would inquire, with mock respect, after the health of the n.o.ble Grand Gander. And now, in the unfortunate affair with the b.o.o.by, the pa.s.sengers generally expressed their profound regret that the great American Gander had been overthrown by a Brazilian b.o.o.by.

In the mean while the s.h.i.+p sailed on; the weather gradually grew colder, and the three curious spots in the heavens, called the Clouds of Magellan, were visible at night, and indicated an approximation to the coast of Patagonia.

The Professor had a sympathy for Pate, and would sometimes endeavor to alleviate his sufferings by cheerful conversation. They were one day standing on deck conversing about the Clouds of Magellan, and the Professor was suggesting the propriety of sending up an artist in a balloon to paint them red, white, and blue, so that the American colors might hang over these regions in antic.i.p.ation of their annexation to the great republic, when they heard the voice of Moses exclaiming,--