How to Ruin Series Part 3

"We've been in the car an hour. When are we gonna get there?" I say.

"In another hour or so."

"You never answered me. What's a moshav? Is it a mall?"

He laughs and I don't think a moshav is a mall anymore.

"Have you ever heard of a kibbutz?" he asks me.

"You mean community living where people share everything? Listen, if you're taking me to a sick commune-"

"Why do you always do that?"

"Do what?"

"Overreact."

"For your information, I.

do not overreact. Mom overreacts, especially when it comes to me coming home after my curfew. Oh, yeah, you wouldn't know anything about that because you're never there," I say sarcastically.

Silence.

"Then why don't you come live with me for a while," he challenges.

Me, live with him? "Do you have a girlfriend?" I ask. I want him to say no because I have plans for him and Mom.

It'll be easier if he's not attached.

"No. Do you have a boyfriend?"

Now wait one second. When did it turn around to him asking me the questions?

"Maybe."

"Amy, when are you going to learn to trust me? I'm not the enemy, you know."

"Then tell me what a moshav is."

" A moshav is a close-knit community.

It's similar to a kibbutz, but everyone owns their own property and farmland. The money isn't shared or pooled together."

Still sounds like a commune to me.

"I hope we're not staying there for long," I say. "I need to take a shower at the hotel and unpack. I have stuff probably melting in this heat-"

"We're not staying at a hotel," he says.

Now I'm going to overreact.

"What?" I say really loudly.

"We'll be staying with your aunt, uncle, cousins, and Safta." He pauses. I know what's coming next, I do. But I'm not mentally prepared for it when he adds, "At the moshav."

"Let's set the record straight, Ron. I'm an all-American girl with red, white, and blue blood running through these veins. I do not stay at places called moshavs.

Unless I've signed up for the Girl Scouts, which I didn't. I need amenities.

Amenities! Do you know what those are?"

"Yes. But don't expect many where we're going. Last time I visited, only one family on the moshav had electricity and it wasn't mine."

I open the glove compartment.

"What are you doing?" Ron asks.

"Looking for a map so I know which direction to go when I escape from the moshav," I say.

He chuckles.

"Ha, ha, funny, funny. I bet you won't be laughing when you wake up one morning and find I've gone back to civilization."

Ron pats my knee with his hand. "I was just kidding, Amy. They have electricity."

Kidding? Ron was kidding with me?

"I knew you were joking. Do you actually think I'm that gullible?"

He doesn't answer, but I know he knows the truth by the quirky way his mouth is moving.

"Will you at least give me the keys to your car so I can drive myself to a mall?"

"Sorry. Driving age here is eighteen."

"What!"

"I'll take you wherever you want to go.

Don't worry. Besides, if you get lost you won't know how to get back."

Good, I think to myself. Getting lost sounds like a great idea.

I sigh and look out the window. On one side of the car is the Mediterranean Sea and on the other side are mountains with houses built into them. If I was in a better mood I might even think the scenery is beautiful, but I'm cranky and tired and my b.u.t.t is numb.

I start doing my b.u.t.t exercises. I was watching a late night talk show a couple of years ago when some action star, maybe Steven Seagal or Antonio Banderas, was talking about how they do b.u.t.t exercises while in the car.

Just tighten, then release. Tighten.

Release. Tighten. Release. I'm "feeling it burn," but after ten minutes my b.u.t.t cheeks start to quiver on the tighten part and I stop.

By now we've taken a turn away from the sea and all around us are small trees in rows.

"What are those?" I ask.

"Olive trees."

"I hate olives."

"I love them."

Figures. "I hope you're not one of those pit-spitters."

"Huh?"

"You know, those people who spit out the pit right in front of other people at the table. That's totally gross."

He doesn't answer. I would bet my grandmother's underpants Ron is a pit- spitter.

"What kind of food do you like?" he asks. "I'm sure I can get it for you."

"Sus.h.i.+."

"You mean raw fish?" he asks, wincing.

"Yep."

I used to hate it. When Mom first had me try it I gagged and spit it out (into my napkin, very discreetly I might add, unlike gross pit-spitters). Mom loves sus.h.i.+. I guess it's like alcohol. You want to puke the first time you have it, but then it grows on you and you like it. It's probably why they say there's a thin line between love and hate. Now I don't just like sus.h.i.+, I crave it. Ron obviously needs to be introduced to sus.h.i.+ with a professional sus.h.i.+-eater like me.

We're now driving through the mountains on an extremely curvy road and I'm getting nauseous. The last time I noticed civilization was about fifteen minutes ago.

We wind our way down one mountain and stop at the road leading to another one.

I read a sign with the words MOSHAV MENORA in English and some words in Hebrew on it.

Ron takes the road to Moshav Menora.

Now the place looks like Switzerland, with gra.s.sy hills surrounding us on all sides.

He stops at a scenic rest stop built into the mountain.

"This is it?" I ask.

He turns to me and takes the key out of the ignition. "This is the Golan Heights, a very special and beautiful place. Let's go see the view."

"Do I have to?" I ask. "I got to pee."

"Can you hold it for a few minutes longer? I really need to talk with you before you meet my family."

This I have to hear. I open the car door and walk outside. We stroll in silence to the edge of the mountain. When I look over the edge, it reminds me of a scene from a postcard.

"They don't know about you," Ron blurts out.

Huh?

"Who doesn't know about me?"

"My mudder, my brudder and his wife .

A pang of pain stabs my chest as if something pierced it. My heart starts beating fast and I'm breathing heavily.

"Why?" I whisper, barely able to get the words out.

"It's complicated," he says, and then looks away from me. "You see, when I came to America I wanted to prove to everyone back here I could make it. You know, The American Dream."

"And you didn't expect me to come along and ruin your dream," I say.

"I met your mom the first weekend I was in the U.S. I was a c.o.c.ky Israeli who just wanted to have a good time. A few months later I found out I was going to be a fadder."

I start walking away from him. What does he want me to do, apologize for being born?

"I hate you," I say as I head back to the car. I wipe the stupid tears I can't help from falling down my cheeks.

"Amy, please. For once let me set the record straight-"

"Just unlock the door." I hear the click and get inside the car. He's looking at me like he wants to explain more, but I don't want to hear it. "Let's go already!" I yell.

He gets back in the car and we ride up to the top of the mountain. I thought I was ready to meet Ron's family, but now all I want to do is crawl into a hole.

Because he's not just going to introduce me to his family, he's going to tell them for the first time he has an illegitimate daughter.

5.

If I close my eyes, will life stop spinning out of control?

We reach a gate and a guy with a large machine gun comes up to our car. I've never even seen a machine gun before today and cringe every time I think about what they're used for.

Ron says something in Hebrew. The guy smiles and signals for the gate to open. We drive down a dirt road on top of the mountain and pa.s.s six rows of houses.

There are about seven to ten houses down each road on either side. Ron turns down one of them and parks in front of a house.