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9. Never lick a steak knife.
10. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
11. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
12. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
13. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
14. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
15. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
16. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.).
17. Your friends love you anyway.
18. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark.
A large group of professionals built the t.i.tanic.
The Laundry.
A woman sends her clothing out to the laundry one a week. When they come back she notices there are still stains on her knickers. So next week she encloses a note to the laundry that says, "Please use more soap on knickers."
This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to the laundry.
Finally, fed up with the notes the laundry replies, "Please. Use more paper on a.r.s.e!"
Sherlock Holmes.
Good evening ladies", Sherlock Holmes says as he pa.s.ses three women eating bananas.
"Do you know them?" Dr. Watson asks.
"No", replies Holmes, "I've never met the nun, the prost.i.tute or the bride."
"Good Lord, Holmes, how in the world do you know all that?"
"Elementary, my dear Watson. The nun is eating the banana by holding it one hand and using the fingers of the other hand to properly break the fruit into small pieces. The prost.i.tute", he continues, "grabbed it with both hands and crammed the whole thing into her mouth."
"Amazing!" Watson exclaims. "But how do you know the third was a newlywed?"
"Because she held it one hand and pushed her head toward it with the other."
The dentist.
A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's apartment. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his s.h.i.+rt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his pants and washes his hands.
The girl watches him and says, "You must be a dentist."
The guy, somewhat surprised says, "Might be, I'll tell you latter ... what make you say that?"
The girl replies, "Easy... you keep was.h.i.+ng your hands."
One thing leads to another and they make love. After they are finish, the girl says, "Now I'm certain you're a great dentist."
"OK I am." replies the guy. "How do you know?"
"Simple" girl replies, "I didn't feel a thing!"
Teach them the ropes young.
The little girl had just listened to her mother's reading one of her favourite fairy tales.
"Mommy," asked the child, "do all fairy tales begin with 'Once Upon a Time'...?"
"No, sweetheart," replied the mother, "sometimes they start with 'Darling, I have to work a little late at the office tonight'."
Dogs name.
A man is out walking his dog when a woman stops to admire it.
"What's your dog's name?" she asks.
"Herpes," replies the guy.
"That's an unusual name," says the woman. "Why do you call him that?"
"Because," says the guy, "he won't heel."
A Lawyer in a bar.
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which const.i.tutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."
The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink.
But don't ever let me catch you in here again."
The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"
The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!" The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."
To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."
Q: Have you heard about the Iraqi army exercise program?
A: Each morning they raise their hands above your head a leave them there.
Q: Why is it so easy to become an Iraqi fighter pilot?
A: You only have to learn how to take off.
Q: What is Iraqi national bird?
A: Duck!
Q: How can you spot an insomniac crab?
A: It only sleeps in s.n.a.t.c.hes...
Confucius says:
He who sit on stool, smell like s.h.i.+t.
He who throw dirt, losing ground.
A man may have more hair on chest than woman, but women have more hair on the whole.
It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but more fun for boy to park meat in girl.
A man should learn to m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.e as technique come in handy.
Wise man never play leapfrog with unicorn.
Three Samurai.
The emperor j.a.pan advertises for a new Samurai warrior. Only three guys apply for the job, one j.a.panese, one Chinese and one Jewish samurai.
"Demonstrate your skills," commands the emperor.
The j.a.panese samurai steps forward, opens a tiny box and releases a fly. He draws his sword and Swis.h.!.+ The fly falls to the floor cut clean in two.
