Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 143

79 Ways to make Pa.s.sionate Love.

A man from Bangladesh named Futh was bragging that in his country there is 79 different ways to make mad pa.s.sionate love.

A gent form Florida listened incredulously. "Why that's amazing. Where I come from there's only one way."

"Just one?", Futh asked. "And which way is that?"

"Well," the Florida gent began, "there's a man and there's a woman--"

"Praise Allah!!", exclaims Futh, "Number 80!"

Adolf Hitler's Nightmare.

Adolph Hitler was having terrible nightmares, and so he decided to go to a fortune teller hoping that the woman could find the source of his problem.

"I am sorry but I am unable to help you solve your dreams," said the fortune teller, "but I do know that you will die on a Jewish holiday."

"And which holiday will this be?" he asked.

"It does not matter," she replied. "Any day that you die will be a Jewish holiday."

Age and Womanhood.

Between the ages of 13 and 18 ... She is like Africa, virgin and unexplored.

Between the ages of 19 and 35 ... She is like Asia, hot and exotic.

Between the ages of 36 and 45 ... She is like America, fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources.

Between the ages of 46 and 56 ... She is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest.

After 56 she is like Australia ... Everybody knows it's down there, but who gives a d.a.m.n?

Appropriate Dress.

A man, called in for an audit at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let them think you are a pauper."

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man then went to his priest, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some advice.

"Let me tell you a story," replied the priest. "A woman, about to get married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a long, flannel nightgown that goes up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your s.e.xiest negligee."

The man protested, "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"

"No matter what you wear, you're going to get screwed."

Apt.i.tude Test.

Apt.i.tude Test Pay close attention! There are 10 questions, so you should be able to answer them all in 10 minutes. DO NOT look at the answers found at the end of this doc.u.ment, that would be cheating!

Write each of your answers down, it makes a difference!(Or open notepad and type them) 1) Some months have 30 days, some months have 31 days. How many months have 28 days?

2) If a doctor gives you 3 pills and tells you to take one pill every half hour, how long would it be before all the pills have been taken?

3) I went to bed at eight o'clock in the evening and wound up my clock and set the alarm to sound at nine o'clock in the morning. How many hours sleep would I get before being awoken by the alarm?

4) Divide 30 by half and add ten. What do you get?

5) A farmer had 17 sheep. All but 9 died. How many live sheep were left?

6) If you had only one match and entered a COLD and DARK room, where there was an oil heater, an oil lamp and a candle, which would you light first?

7) A man builds a house with four sides of rectangular construction, each side having a southern exposure. A big bear comes along. What color is the bear?

8) Take 2 apples from 3 apples. What do you have?

9) How many animals of each species did Moses take with him in the Ark?

10) If you drove a bus with 43 people on board from Chicago and stopped at Pittsburgh to pick up 7 more people and drop off 5 pa.s.sengers and at Cleveland to drop off 8 pa.s.sengers and pick up 4 more and eventually arrive at Philadelphia 20 hours later, what's the name of the driver?

Answers:

1) All of them. Every month has at least 28 days.

2) 1 hour. If you take a pill at 1 o'clock, then another at 1.30 and the last at 2 o'clock, they will be taken in 1 hour.

3) 1 hour. It is a wind up alarm clock which cannot discriminate between am & pm.

4) 70. Dividing by half is the same as multiplying by 2.

5) 9 live sheep.

6) The match.

7) White. If all walls face south, the house must be on the North Pole.

8) 2 apples. I HAVE 3 APPLES, YOU TAKE 2, WHAT DO YOU HAVE?

9) None. It was Noah, not Moses.

10) YOU are the driver.

Artificial Insemination Man.

One morning, before he goes out to the fields, the farmer says to her, "The artificial insemination man is coming to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a big nail into the two-by-four over the cow's stall. You show him where it is."

The farmer leaves, and a while later, the artificial insemination man arrives. Amy takes him down the rows of cows until she sees the nail.

She says, "This is the one, right here."

The man says, "How do you know?"

Amy says, "By the nail over its stall."

The man says, "What's the nail for?"

Amy says, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."

Bad to Worse.