LightNovesOnl.com

Puppets at Large Part 19

Puppets at Large - LightNovelsOnl.com

You're reading novel online at LightNovelsOnl.com. Please use the follow button to get notifications about your favorite novels and its latest chapters so you can come back anytime and won't miss anything.

HANSOM CABMAN (_with hauteur_). As it 'appens, it _ain't_ a 'Ackney cab--it's a private kerridge, this is!

DRIVER. Ah, I might ha' known _you_ was a hammytoor by yer silly ha.s.slike method o' conducting yer business! [_Drives on triumphant._

A POLITICAL Pa.s.sENGER (_with a panacea--to a "KNOWLEDGABLE" Pa.s.sENGER_).

No, I don't want no 'Ome Rule, nor yet no Parish Counsels, nor nothink o' _that_. What _I_ wanter see interdooced 'ere is Tereenial Porliments.

The KNOWLEDGABLE Pa.s.sENGER (_with respect_). Tereenial Parliments? I don't know as I've 'eard o' _them_.



The POL. P. Ain't yer? Well, they're what we _want_. Why, they've 'ad 'em in America, they've ad 'em in Ostralia, they've 'ad 'em in Orstria; and everywhere, mind yer, _everywhere_ they've been in operation they've turned out a success!

The KN. P. Then it's 'igh time _we_ 'ad 'em. _What_ is it they're called, again?

The POL. P. Tee-reen-ial Porliments. It stands to _reason_ they work well. There they _are_, a settin' eight months in the year fur seven year on end--somethink's _bound_ to come of it! I'd like to see any o'

_our_ lot settin' like that! It's a pity we don't take more pattern by America in our law-makin'.

[Ill.u.s.tration: "Thash where 'tis, yer come on me too late!"]

The KN. P. Except in our criminal law. Why, I've 'eard there's States out there where a man may go and commit a crime, d'ye see, and once he gits across the boundary from one State into another--like as it might be a line across this 'ere street like, d'ye see--once he's over that, they can't do nothink to 'im!

The POL. P. (_thoughtfully_). Ah, that wouldn't never do '_ere_, that wouldn't!

[_The CONDUCTOR comes up to collect fares._

CONDUCTOR (_to a SLEEPY Pa.s.sENGER in a corner_). Now then, fare, please?

The SLEEPY Pa.s.sENGER (_with manly regret_). I ain't gorrit, ole pal. If yer'd asht me jes' two minutes afore I gorrup, I could ha' done it for yer, but I took jes' anorrer glash an' blued th' lot. No man can say I don' part s'long's I gorrer _money_; no freehandeder man anywheresh'n wharri am; but yer come on me too late. (_Shaking his head reproachfully._) Thash where 'tis, yer come on me too late!

COND. 'Ere, I ain't goin' to stand no nonsense! If yer 'aven't got the money, git down orf o' my bus, and quick, too!

The SL. P. Ged _down_? An' _quick_! You wouldn' tor' li' that if you'd sheen wharrer bloomin' 'ard job I 'ad to get _up_! [_He resumes his slumber._

COND. (_pa.s.sing on, softened_). I can't go and break the beggar's neck for tuppence, and he's got it somewhere about him, as likely as not.

(_To a LITIGIOUS Pa.s.sENGER._) Tuppence is the fare, Sir, if _you_ please.

The LITIGIOUS Pa.s.sENGER. One penny is the legal fare, and all I intend to pay. I know the law!

COND. And so do I. It's wrote up tuppence inside the bus. If yer ain't going to pay more, yer'd better git down; ye've 'ad over your penn'orth a'ready!

The LITIG. P. (_with spirit_). I decline to get down. I insist on being taken to the Bank for my penny.

COND. Oh, _do_ yer? We'll see about that.

[_He stops the 'bus and calls a CONSTABLE, to whom he briefly explains the situation._

CONSTABLE (_pacifically, from below, to the LITIG. P._). Come, Sir, don't block the traffic, like this 'ere! Either pay the man his fare or get down--one of the two.

The LITIG. P. (_from the roof_). I have a legal right to remain here if I like!

CONST. That may be, Sir; but if you do, this man can summons you that's all.

The LITIG. P. (_warming with the joy of battle_). That's just what I _want_ him to do! Can't I _make_ him summon me?

COND. (_disgusted_). 'Ere, 'ang it all! _do_ yer think I'm goin' to cart you 'arf over London fur a penny, and throw yer in the luxury of a lawsoot? 'Ere's yer penny back, and I give yer the ride free, _there_!

The LITIG. P. (_accepting the penny, and descending with dignity_). Very well; and let me tell you this, it was just as well you gave way when you did, for I was quite prepared to carry the case to the House of Lords!

COND. Ah! and I s'pose yer think yer'd git _there_ for a penny?

[_The Omnibus goes on before the LITIGIOUS PERSON has time to think over such an obvious repartee as asking the CONSTABLE to take the man's number._

[Ill.u.s.tration]

AT A HIGHLAND CATTLE AUCTION.

_A Yard. In the open s.p.a.ce between the rows of pens the AUCTIONEER is trying to dispose of some horses which are trotted out one by one in the usual fas.h.i.+on._

THE AUCTIONEER (_spectacled, red-bearded, canny, slightly Arcadian touch imparted by straw hat, and a sprig of heather in his b.u.t.ton-hole_).

What'll I say for this, noo? (_A horse of a meditative mien is just brought in._) Here's a beast, and a very good beast, from Lochaber!

(_The bystanders remain unmoved._) He was bred by Meester MacFarlane, o'

Drumtappit, and ye'll all ha' haird on him as the biggest breeder in these pairts. (_Heads are shaken, so much as to intimate that this particular animal does not do Mr. MacFarlane justice._) Trot him up an'

doon a bit, boy, and show his action--stan' away back there! _(With affected concern_.) Don't curb him so tight--be careful now, or ye'll do meeschief to yourself an' others! (_As the horse trots past them,_ _several critics slap it disrespectfully on the hind-quarters--a liberty which it bears with meekness._) There's a pace for ye--he's a guid woorker, a gran' beast--hoo much shall we say for him? (_n.o.body seems able to express his appreciation of the grand beast in figures._) Just to stairt ye then--twenty poon! (_Even the animal himself appears slightly staggered by this sum; bystanders are quietly derisive; AUCTIONEER climbs rapidly down without interruption till he reaches six pounds, when he receives his first bid._) s.e.x poon' is bed for 'm--is there ony advance on s.e.x poon? (_Someone in the background:--"Fefteen sh.e.l.lin'!"_) s.e.x-fefteen--noo, Meester McRobbie, wull ye no luik this way? (_MR. MCR. responds by a decided negative._) Ye won't? Ah, I never got ony guid from ye--'cept when I didn't meet ye. (_This piece of Scotch "wut" raises a laugh at MR. MCR.'S expense, but does not affect the bidding, which still languishes._) Then, he's going at s.e.x-fefteen--for the last time. Whaur's my bedder at s.e.x-fefteen?

(_Repentance or modesty prevents the bidder from coming forward, and the AUCTIONEER continues, more in grief than anger._) Eh, this is too bad noo--I'll thank no man for making me a bed, 'cept those that are meant in airnest. No one bed onything for a beast like this! Then I hae to tell ye ye've not bed near up to the resairve price on it. (_Suddenly becomes weary of the animal._) Tak' it awa'. (_The next horse is led in._) Now, here's a beast that's well-known, I'm thenkin'. (_The general expression signifies that its reputation is not altogether to its credit._) There's a well-bred mare--open up, and let her show hersel'.

(_The mare is shown, but fails to excite compet.i.tion._) Ah, ye'll ony buy screws to-day, an' not the nice things at a'--tak' her away. (_The mare is taken out ignominiously; AUCTIONEER, followed by crowd, leads the way to where a pony and trap are standing harnessed._) Noo, I'm gaun to pit up the pony an' van--just show them hoo she goes in hairness, boy. (_To intrusive collie._) Out of the way, dug, in case ye get your feet smashed. (_Trap starts off, and is driven out of sight._) Whaur's the laddie gaun ta? Thenks he'll show himsel' at Nairn, maybe! Ah, here she comes. (_Trap returns at a modest pace._) Stan' back, noo, all of ye; give her room. I'll sell the mare first, and a beauty she is--what sh.e.l.l we say? Ten poons--and she's a nice one! Well, stairt her at five, she may get up. (_Bidding gets up to ten pounds, where it stops._) Then she goes at ten, and I'm very glad she's gaun to a gude auld friend o'

mine--Meester McKenzie, o' Glenbannock. Wull ye say five mair, and take the hairness, Meester McKenzie? It's _richt_ hairness! (_MR. MCK.

declines to be tempted._) Well, I'm sorry ye wull na, I'd ha liked (_sentimentally, as if it had been the dream of his life_) for the mare an' the hairness to go togither and no to pairt them--but as 'tis, it canna be helped. We'll pa.s.s on to the pegs, if you please. (_Pa.s.ses to a row of pens containing pigs, and mounts some planks placed along the top._) Now, these are some proper pegs. (_A rush is made for the rails enclosing the pigs, which instantly become self-conscious and redouble their grunts._) Noo, laddies, laddies, it's no fair o' ye taking up a'

the room i' that way. I'm quite sure there's a lot o' ye in front that's no buying pegs--ye hanna the luik o' pairsons that buy pegs. Stan' by for shame, and don't keep them that comes to buy, where they canna see sae much as a tail. Hoo much apiece for these palefaced pegs? Ye've an awfu' guid view o' them there, Mr. Ferguson,---luik this way once again for forrty and threepence. (_Persuasively._) It'll soun' better wi' the threepence. Gaun' for forty an' three. (_The owner of the pigs calls out "No!"_) I thocht I made a law here that people having pegs should gie me the resairve at the time--see what ye do now, Peter MacPhairson, make a fule of the buyers and a fule o' mysel'!--but (_with tolerant contempt_) Peter is not a strong man, we must no be haird on Peter. (_Roar from crowd;_ _disappearance of MR. MACPH._) I'll cancel no more sales that way, however, as I eentimate to ye once for a'.

'ARRY (_on tour from Town--to his admiring friend_). I say, Charley, what d'yer bet I don't talk to some of these chaps in their own lingo?

CHARLEY. What a fellow you are! Mind what you are about, that's all.

'ARRY (_going up to an elderly person in the only Scotch cap visible_).

Hech, Sair, but yon's a braw bonnie wee bit piggie fur a body to tak' a richt gude wullie waucht wi' gin ye meet him comin' thro' the rye!

The PERSON IN THE SCOTCH CAP (_who happens to be a retired Colonel in a Highland Regiment, who is somewhat careless in his attire_). I think you will find that sort of thing better appreciated after you've got home.

[_'ARRY returns to CHARLEY, feeling much smaller than he allows his friend to perceive._

[Ill.u.s.tration]

Click Like and comment to support us!

RECENTLY UPDATED NOVELS

About Puppets at Large Part 19 novel

You're reading Puppets at Large by Author(s): F. Anstey. This novel has been translated and updated at LightNovelsOnl.com and has already 656 views. And it would be great if you choose to read and follow your favorite novel on our website. We promise you that we'll bring you the latest novels, a novel list updates everyday and free. LightNovelsOnl.com is a very smart website for reading novels online, friendly on mobile. If you have any questions, please do not hesitate to contact us at [email protected] or just simply leave your comment so we'll know how to make you happy.