More Bab Ballads Part 1

More Bab Ballads.

by W. S. Gilbert.

Ballad: Mister William

Oh, listen to the tale of MISTER WILLIAM, if you please, Whom naughty, naughty judges sent away beyond the seas.

He forged a party's will, which caused anxiety and strife, Resulting in his getting penal servitude for life.

He was a kindly goodly man, and naturally p.r.o.ne, Instead of taking others' gold, to give away his own.

But he had heard of Vice, and longed for only once to strike-- To plan ONE little wickedness--to see what it was like.

He argued with himself, and said, "A spotless man am I; I can't be more respectable, however hard I try!

For six and thirty years I've always been as good as gold, And now for half an hour I'll plan infamy untold!

"A baby who is wicked at the early age of one, And then reforms--and dies at thirty-six a spotless son, Is never, never saddled with his babyhood's defect, But earns from worthy men consideration and respect.

"So one who never revelled in discreditable tricks Until he reached the comfortable age of thirty-six, May then for half an hour perpetrate a deed of shame, Without incurring permanent disgrace, or even blame.

"That babies don't commit such crimes as forgery is true, But little sins develop, if you leave 'em to accrue; And he who shuns all vices as successive seasons roll, Should reap at length the benefit of so much self-control.

"The common sin of babyhood--objecting to be drest-- If you leave it to acc.u.mulate at compound interest, For anything you know, may represent, if you're alive, A burglary or murder at the age of thirty-five.

"Still, I wouldn't take advantage of this fact, but be content With some pardonable folly--it's a mere experiment.

The greater the temptation to go wrong, the less the sin; So with something that's particularly tempting I'll begin.

"I would not steal a penny, for my income's very fair-- I do not want a penny--I have pennies and to spare-- And if I stole a penny from a money-bag or till, The sin would be enormous--the temptation being nil.

"But if I broke asunder all such pettifogging bounds, And forged a party's Will for (say) Five Hundred Thousand Pounds, With such an irresistible temptation to a haul, Of course the sin must be infinitesimally small.

"There's WILSON who is dying--he has wealth from Stock and rent-- If I divert his riches from their natural descent, I'm placed in a position to indulge each little whim."

So he diverted them--and they, in turn, diverted him.

Unfortunately, though, by some unpardonable flaw, Temptation isn't recognized by Britain's Common Law; Men found him out by some peculiarity of touch, And WILLIAM got a "lifer," which annoyed him very much.

For, ah! he never reconciled himself to life in gaol, He fretted and he pined, and grew dispirited and pale; He was numbered like a cabman, too, which told upon him so That his spirits, once so buoyant, grew uncomfortably low.

And sympathetic gaolers would remark, "It's very true, He ain't been brought up common, like the likes of me and you."

So they took him into hospital, and gave him mutton chops, And chocolate, and arrowroot, and buns, and malt and hops.

Kind Clergymen, besides, grew interested in his fate, Affected by the details of his pitiable state.

They waited on the Secretary, somewhere in Whitehall, Who said he would receive them any day they liked to call.

"Consider, sir, the hards.h.i.+p of this interesting case: A prison life brings with it something very like disgrace; It's telling on young WILLIAM, who's reduced to skin and bone-- Remember he's a gentleman, with money of his own.

"He had an ample income, and of course he stands in need Of sherry with his dinner, and his customary weed; No delicacies now can pa.s.s his gentlemanly lips-- He misses his sea-bathing and his continental trips.

"He says the other prisoners are commonplace and rude; He says he cannot relish uncongenial prison food.

When quite a boy they taught him to distinguish Good from Bad, And other educational advantages he's had.

"A burglar or garotter, or, indeed, a common thief Is very glad to batten on potatoes and on beef, Or anything, in short, that prison kitchens can afford,-- A cut above the diet in a common workhouse ward.

"But beef and mutton-broth don't seem to suit our WILLIAM'S whim, A boon to other prisoners--a punishment to him.

It never was intended that the discipline of gaol Should dash a convict's spirits, sir, or make him thin or pale."

"Good Gracious Me!" that sympathetic Secretary cried, "Suppose in prison fetters MISTER WILLIAM should have died!

Dear me, of course! Imprisonment for LIFE his sentence saith: I'm very glad you mentioned it--it might have been For Death!

"Release him with a ticket--he'll be better then, no doubt, And tell him I apologize." So MISTER WILLIAM'S out.

I hope he will be careful in his ma.n.u.scripts, I'm sure, And not begin experimentalizing any more.

Ballad: The b.u.mboat Woman's Story

I'm old, my dears, and shrivelled with age, and work, and grief, My eyes are gone, and my teeth have been drawn by Time, the Thief!

For terrible sights I've seen, and dangers great I've run-- I'm nearly seventy now, and my work is almost done!

Ah! I've been young in my time, and I've played the deuce with men!

I'm speaking of ten years past--I was barely sixty then: My cheeks were mellow and soft, and my eyes were large and sweet, POLL PINEAPPLE'S eyes were the standing toast of the Royal Fleet!

A b.u.mboat woman was I, and I faithfully served the s.h.i.+ps With apples and cakes, and fowls, and beer, and halfpenny dips, And beef for the generous mess, where the officers dine at nights, And fine fresh peppermint drops for the rollicking mids.h.i.+pmites.

Of all the kind commanders who anch.o.r.ed in Portsmouth Bay, By far the sweetest of all was kind LIEUTENANT BELAYE.'

LIEUTENANT BELAYE commanded the gunboat Hot Cross Bun, She was seven and thirty feet in length, and she carried a gun.

With a laudable view of enhancing his country's naval pride, When people inquired her size, LIEUTENANT BELAYE replied, "Oh, my s.h.i.+p, my s.h.i.+p is the first of the Hundred and Seventy-ones!"

Which meant her tonnage, but people imagined it meant her guns.

Whenever I went on board he would beckon me down below, "Come down, Little b.u.t.tercup, come" (for he loved to call me so), And he'd tell of the fights at sea in which he'd taken a part, And so LIEUTENANT BELAYE won poor POLL PINEAPPLE'S heart!

But at length his orders came, and he said one day, said he, "I'm ordered to sail with the Hot Cross Bun to the German Sea."

And the Portsmouth maidens wept when they learnt the evil day, For every Portsmouth maid loved good LIEUTENANT BELAYE.

And I went to a back back street, with plenty of cheap cheap shops, And I bought an oilskin hat and a second-hand suit of slops, And I went to LIEUTENANT BELAYE (and he never suspected ME!) And I entered myself as a chap as wanted to go to sea.

We sailed that afternoon at the mystic hour of one,-- Remarkably nice young men were the crew of the Hot Cross Bun, I'm sorry to say that I've heard that sailors sometimes swear, But I never yet heard a BUN say anything wrong, I declare.

When Jack Tars meet, they meet with a "Messmate, ho! What cheer?"

But here, on the Hot Cross Bun, it was "How do you do, my dear?"

When Jack Tars growl, I believe they growl with a big big D- But the strongest oath of the Hot Cross Buns was a mild "Dear me!"

Yet, though they were all well-bred, you could scarcely call them slick: Whenever a sea was on, they were all extremely sick; And whenever the weather was calm, and the wind was light and fair, They spent more time than a sailor should on his back back hair.

They certainly s.h.i.+vered and shook when ordered aloft to run, And they screamed when LIEUTENANT BELAYE discharged his only gun.

And as he was proud of his gun--such pride is hardly wrong-- The Lieutenant was blazing away at intervals all day long.