Fifty Contemporary One-Act Plays Part 121

MILITARY WOMAN [_indignantly_]. My! He lies like a salesman.

MARY [_wearily_]. Papa, children, look, he is starting to fall again.

TOURIST [_angrily_]. Don't bother me. Such a tragedy is unfolding itself right before your very eyes--and you--What are you making such big eyes for again?

CORRESPONDENT [_shouting_]. Hold on fast. That's it! My last question: What message do you wish to leave for your fellow citizens before you depart for the better world?

UNKNOWN MAN. That they may all go to the devil.

CORRESPONDENT. What? Hm, yes--[_He writes quickly._] Ardent love--is a stanch opponent of the law granting equal rights to negroes. His last words: "Let the black n.i.g.g.e.rs--"

PASTOR [_out of breath, pus.h.i.+ng through the crowd_]. Where is he? Ah, where is he? Ah, there! Poor young man. Has there been no clergyman here yet? No? Thank you. Am I the first?

CORRESPONDENT [_writes_]. A touching dramatic moment.--A minister has arrived.--All are trembling on the verge of suspense. Many are shedding tears--

PASTOR. Excuse me, excuse me! Ladies and gentlemen, a lost soul wishes to make its peace with G.o.d--[_He shouts._] My son, don't you wish to make your peace with G.o.d? Confess your sins to me. I will grant you remission at once! What? I cannot hear?

CORRESPONDENT [_writes_]. The air is shaken with the people's groans.

The minister of the church exhorts the criminal, that is, the unfortunate man, in touching language.--The unfortunate creature with tears in his eyes thanks him in a faint voice--

UNKNOWN MAN [_faintly_]. If you won't go away I will jump on your head.

I weigh three hundred pounds. [_All jump away frightened behind each other._]

VOICES. He is falling! He is falling!

TOURIST [_agitatedly_]. Mary, Aleck, Jimmie.

POLICEMAN [_energetically_]. Clear the place, please! Move on!

LADY. Nellie, go quick and tell your father he is falling.

PHOTOGRAPHER [_in despair_]. Oh my, I am out of films [_tosses madly about, looking pitifully at the unknown man_]. One minute, I'll go and get them. I have some in my overcoat pocket over there. [_He walks a short distance, keeping his eyes fixed on the unknown man, and then returns._] I can't, I am afraid I'll miss it. Good heavens! They are over there in my overcoat. Just one minute, please. I'll fetch them right away. What a fix.

PASTOR. Hurry, my friend. Pull yourself together and try to hold out long enough to tell me at least your princ.i.p.al sins. You needn't mention the lesser ones.

TOURIST. What a tragedy?

CORRESPONDENT [_writes_]. The criminal, that is, the unhappy man, makes a public confession and does penance. Terrible secrets revealed. He is a bank robber--blew up safes.

TOURIST [_credulously_]. The scoundrel.

PASTOR [_shouts_]. In the first place, have you killed? Secondly, have you stolen? Thirdly, have you committed adultery?

TOURIST. Mary, Jimmie, Katie, Aleck, Charlie, close your ears.

CORRESPONDENT [_writing_]. Tremendous excitement in the crowd.--Shouts of indignation.

PASTOR [_hurriedly_]. Fourthly, have you blasphemed? Fifthly, have you coveted your neighbor's a.s.s, his ox, his slave, his wife? Sixthly--

PHOTOGRAPHER [_alarmed_]. Ladies and gentlemen, an a.s.s!

SECOND PHOTOGRAPHER. Where? I can't see it!

PHOTOGRAPHER [_calmed_]. I thought I heard it.

PASTOR. I congratulate you, my son! I congratulate you! You have made your peace with G.o.d. Now you may rest easy--Oh, G.o.d, what do I see? The Salvation Army! Policeman, chase them away!

[_Enter a Salvation Army band, men and women in uniforms. There are only three instruments, a drum, a violin and a piercingly shrill trumpet._]

SALVATION ARMY MAN [_frantically beating his drum and shouting in a nasal voice_]. Brethren and sisters--

PASTOR [_shouting even louder in a still more nasal voice in an effort to drown the other's_]. He has already confessed. Bear witness, ladies and gentlemen, that he has confessed and made his peace with heaven.

SALVATION ARMY WOMAN [_climbing on a rock and shrieking_]. I once wandered in the dark just as this sinner and I lived a bad life and was a drunkard, but when the light of truth--

A VOICE. Why, she is drunk now.

PASTOR. Policeman, didn't he confess and make his peace with heaven?

[_The Salvation Army man continues to beat his drum frantically; the rest begin to drawl a song. Shouts, laughter, whistling.

Singing in the cafe, and calls of "Waiter!" in all languages. The bewildered policemen tear themselves away from the pastor, who is pulling them somewhere; the photographers turn and twist about as if the seats were burning under them. An English lady comes riding in on a donkey, who, stopping suddenly, sprawls out his legs and refuses to go farther, adding his noise to the rest. Gradually the noise subsides. The Salvation Army band solemnly withdraws, and the pastor, waving his hands, follows them._]

FIRST ENGLISH TOURIST [_to the other_]. How impolite! This crowd doesn't know how to behave itself.

SECOND ENGLISH TOURIST. Come, let's go away from here.

FIRST ENGLISH TOURIST. One minute. [_He shouts._] Listen, won't you hurry up and fall?

SECOND ENGLISH TOURIST. What are you saying, Sir William?

FIRST ENGLISH TOURIST [_shouting_]. Don't you see that's what they are waiting for? As a gentleman you should grant them this pleasure and so escape the humiliation of undergoing tortures before this mob.

SECOND ENGLISH TOURIST. Sir William.

TOURIST [_ecstatically_]. See? It's true. Aleck, Jimmie, it's true. What a tragedy!

SEVERAL TOURISTS [_going for the Englishman_]. How dare you?

FIRST ENGLISH TOURIST [_shoving them aside_]. Hurry up and fall! Do you hear? If you haven't the backbone I'll help you out with a pistol shot.

VOICES. That red-haired devil has gone clear out of his mind.

POLICEMAN [_seizing the Englishman's hand_]. You have no right to do it, it's against the law. I'll arrest you.

SOME TOURISTS. A barbarous nation!

[_The unknown man shouts something. Excitement below._]

VOICES. Hear, hear, hear!