Harp's Song Part 13

Despite being surrounded by people, I feel out of place everywhere-at home, at school. I've spent most of my time keeping people at bay, but even then I never felt the overwhelming feelings of despair and loneliness I do now. And I definitely don't feel like I belong with my mom.

While I appreciate her attempts at redemption, I'm not sold. I just can't wrap my head around how someone can go from one extreme to the other. And let's not forget that she made it clear my whole life that I am a worthless burden. If I were stronger, like I used to be, I wouldn't let it bother me, but now ... I don't know what it will take for me to believe that she loves me. That she wants me.

I'm pulled from my pity party to see Vincent giving me the cue.

Like he asked me to do, I make a big show by walking over to him before asking a series of dumb questions about how to play, where to hit the ball, etc. Between my obnoxious act and the loud smack on my a.s.s from Vincent, we've got the attention of quite a few people. Once he's done with this game, I pick up the pool cue and bend over the table letting him get behind me to show me the correct way to hold it while simulating a stroke.

Just as I hit a ball, a guy walks up to us and challenges us to a game. He says his girlfriend is an average player and is always complaining that she doesn't get to play other people very often because she's not as good as most of the people here. Vincent agrees and tells me to play poorly this game and only make one easy ball. I nod in agreement and we play the game. After we lose, Vincent asks them for another game and they place their bets again. I'm under strict orders to miss all but three b.a.l.l.s and to make sure they are easy pockets. I do exactly as I'm told.

We win and the guy challenges Vincent to another game. They seem nice and she is an average player but has made some decent shots. My suspicions about him hustling us are validated when she plays an almost perfect game and they beat us even with my better play. Vincent acts put out and he agrees with the other guy to a last round-all-or-nothing with all the bets from tonight.

If we win, Vincent could walk out of here with $200. Again, I do as I'm told and get better but still not up to my ability. The guy and his girlfriend are playing well too but they set Vincent up with a sweet shot on the eight ball and we win. Everyone shakes hands and Vincent throws his arm over my shoulders as we leave.

When we pull into my driveway, he turns his lights off and faces me.

"Good job tonight."

"Uh, thanks I guess ..."

He laughs and takes out the wad of cash from the game tonight. He takes a $50 bill, and whispers in my ear, "Here's a little somethin' for you."

He folds the bill in half and holds it in front of my face. When I reach for the money, he pulls it back smirking at me. I reach for it again and take it. Luckily, when I get out of the car he doesn't stop me and is pulling out of my driveway before I've opened my front door.

"Hey, how was your night?" my mom asks making me jump.

"Jeez, mom, you scared me half to death," I say exasperated.

"Sorry, I was just watching a movie when you came in and I thought I'd see how your night was. Who was that boy that picked you up and brought you home?"

"That was Vincent."

"Ok, well, the Johnson's called and said you were supposed to babysit for them tonight. Why didn't you call and let them know you weren't going to be there?"

"I guess I forgot."

"Well, I covered for you so they could still go out. Don't blow them off again." She says sternly. "Were you guys on a date tonight?"

"No. I'm going to bed."

"Good night," she calls after me.

It's Friday night and I am at JJ's with Vincent getting ready to hustle another guy.

When I showed up for school on Monday, Vincent was waiting for me at my locker. As soon as Connor got to his locker, Vincent pulled me into his side and gave him a mischievous grin. Shutting my locker, I glanced at Connor and saw disgust and anger dripping from him. What right did he have to be angry? He was with Taylor ... doing Lord knows what with her. Besides, being with Vincent makes me feel numb and right now, that's exactly what I need until I can sort through all the s.h.i.+t flying around in my head.

I found Vincent lurking around my cla.s.ses and locker all week. I continually turned down his relentless offers to go out again on Friday night. But between the images of Connor and Taylor together seared in my brain, and feeling like I was a visitor in my own life, Vincent's persistence finally wore me down again.

So here I am at JJ's sucking down my second shot, hoping the alcohol will do its job and make me feel numb.

We are in our second game of pool having lost the first, but winning this one. A raucous crowd comes in and interrupts my set up. I look up to see some guys from the baseball team and I hold my breath hoping Connor isn't with them, but today is not my day. Connor and Ethan come in with a few other guys. c.r.a.p. Neither one of them see me, so maybe I can get away with not seeing them here in the back.

I go to the table, making my shots and we win the second game easily. I celebrate by downing another fruity shot. When it's empty, I turn it over and add it to the other two empty shot gla.s.ses. I like the loose feeling the alcohol is giving me. It makes me care less about all the bulls.h.i.+t in my life and it keeps me from thinking rationally.

Deep in the recesses of my brain, I know what I'm doing is stupid and I know I'm better, stronger than all this. But I just can't seem to pull myself out of this hole I've dug. This, of course just makes me angrier, so I reach for another drink to dim my emotions.

I'm watching Connor from my hiding spot when I hear Vincent and another guy yelling at each other. The guy pushes Vincent telling him he wants his money back because he got hustled. Vincent is standing his ground. The guy takes a swing at Vincent and suddenly a group of guys are surrounding them watching the fight. I walk over to see what's going on and finally see guys I don't recognize pulling them apart from each other. Once Vincent and the other guy have been restrained, I can see that both of them are bleeding and sweating.

"You punk," the guy we were playing says. "You played me with that b.i.t.c.h."

"Not my problem old man," Vincent sneers at him, "A bet is a bet."

The guy lunges for Vincent again but he's pulled back and restrained.

"Fine, but now that I know the deal, I want a rematch," the guy spits at Vincent. "Double or nothing ... my best guy against you and her." he says nodding toward me "Deal," Vincent agrees. "We'll be here."

I shouldn't be surprised that he agrees to the match but for some reason I am taken a little off guard. Once the guys have hashed out the details of our rematch and are released, Vincent and I retreat to our tables where he cleans up his face. When we turn around there's a very angry Connor and Ethan standing in front of us. Vincent pulls me into him.

"What are you doing here Harp?" Connor asks sharply.

"She's with me man, back off." Vincent spits at Connor while pulling me even closer to him.

Connor looks between the two of us, clearly disgusted.

"Harp, you're better than this," Connor says, "Let me take you home."

I look between Connor and Vincent. I don't know if it's the liquor or the fact that when I look at Connor all I feel is the hurt bubbling through my veins, but I shake my head no.

Vincent hollers in joy at my response and hands me the last shot gla.s.s, "Come on sweetheart, let's celebrate ... bottom's up." He says clinking our gla.s.ses together.

I stand there for a second staring into the most beautiful green eyes, and feel nothing but sadness and pain. I don't want to feel that way anymore, so I take another shot and slam it on the table. When I turn around, Connor's hands are clenched in tight fists.

"Harp, what the h.e.l.l are you doing? How many of those have you had?" He spits out at me, eyeing the collection of empty shot gla.s.ses on our table.

"None of your business," I say curtly.

I see him flinch, "He doesn't care about you and once he gets what he wants he's going to move on."

"Hey man, that's enough, you can't talk to my girl like that." Vincent says stepping away from me toward Connor.

Connor takes a step toward him, "Your girl? Your girl? Really Vinny? If she really were your girl, you would actually care about her. But instead, you're just using her. You and I both, know that."

"Hey, you had your chance Ken doll, but you screwed it up. Your loss is my gain." He says smirking, and to add salt to the wounds he puts his hands up toward his chest mimicking my chest.

I can see Connor's patience is wearing thin as he clearly understands what Vincent is implying. Before it gets out of hand, I walk up to them and stand between them.

"Alright boys, let's cool down and back off," I say with a slight slur of my speech, putting one hand on each of their chests.

Both guys look at me and take a step apart.

"Harp, let's go," Connor pleads. "Let me take you home. This isn't you."

I look at him and search his eyes, "No. I'm good here. Go back to your friends."

"You can't be serious!" He says exasperated, "Are you drunk?"

I step toward him so that I'm facing him, "I am serious Connor. Just leave."

His face says it all. I've crushed him ... again. He steps closer to me and puts his hand on my neck pulling me close to him while he whispers in my ear, "I love you. I'm always here for you ... no matter what."

Connor's words seep in to me, and my body is on fire after feeling him so close to me. But, I push away from him and as soon as I do, Vincent pulls me into him, happy to show Connor that he won this p.i.s.sing contest. He sneers at Connor and Ethan as we walk out of the bar and he takes me straight home. Once he throws the gear into park, I start to get out of the car, but he pulls me back down.

"Whoa there! Where do you think you're going so fast?"

"I'm going inside my house." I tell him slightly buzzed and confused.

"Don't you want your reward?"

"I don't really care, Vincent."

"Oh, sure you do. Otherwise, you wouldn't still be doing this with me," he taunts me waving some of the money we made tonight in my face.

I s.n.a.t.c.h what's mine from his hand pulling away from him and open my door to see my mom standing there. How embarra.s.sing.

"Hi there, just checking to see if everything is ok in here," she says leaning into the car, "I'm Harp's mom, Anne and you must be Vincent."

"Yes ma'am, I'm Vincent," he says more politely than I've ever heard him speak before. "I should get going. I'll call you later."

I barely get the door shut before he backs out of my driveway. I turn and go into the house with my mom following close behind me.

"Harp, I don't like that boy. I can tell he's trouble."

"I don't know what you're talking about mom." I slur.

"Have you been drinking?"

"I don't know." I answer sarcastically.

"Don't play dumb with me. He's never come to the door to get you or made any effort to meet me. You've changed since you've been hanging out with him, and this is the second time you've blown the Johnson's off. This isn't like you."

She thinks she knows me ... now that's funny.

"And, I could see the look in his eyes tonight ... he's trouble."

I turn around to face her and yell, "So, you're pulling the overprotective mom card on me now? You don't know the first thing about me or Vincent for that matter, so just back off."

I see her flinch and know I've made my point clear. I go to my room and slam the door shut. The rest of the weekend pa.s.ses quietly and when school starts on Monday, my life continues like it has been with Vincent at my locker.

I have Vincent take me home after school today because my mom says she has to work late. So when he drops me off and I walk into my house I'm confused to see her, Catherine, and Connor in my living room. Six eyes are staring at me and I stop dead in my tracks.

"What are you doing here?" I ask to no one in particular.

Catherine steps forward, "Harp, we are here because we love you and want to talk to you."

"What the h.e.l.l?" I say, "Is this some sort of intervention?"

No one answers me until Catherine has pulled me into the living room, and I'm sitting next to her on the couch. I look between all their faces and wait for someone to say something.

"Harp," my mom says, "I know I haven't been a good mother to you ..." her voice trails off and she looks down to swipe some tears from her eyes before looking back up at me. "But, I love you and I'm worried about you. You've been withdrawn and angry and I didn't know what to do. I called Catherine and we've been meeting to talk about everything and in particular, what we can do to help you right now."

I pull away from Catherine and fold my arms over my chest. This is a freaking intervention. How dare they! It's not like I'm on drugs or anything for crying out loud.

Catherine speaks next, "Harp, I know things are hard for you right now. You have a bright future ahead of you and we don't want to see you do anything to jeopardize that. I know you're young and think you are invincible, but all it takes is one wrong turn, and your life is changed forever. We love you and want to help you."

I stare at her while she talks but I don't say anything. Catherine has always been kind to me, but I have nothing to say. Anger and hurt are boiling over inside me. I turn to look at Connor and stare into his eyes. He's bent over in his chair with his elbows on his knees.

"It's your turn now, right? I mean this is how this goes?" I spit out at him.

He runs both of his hands through his hair, before returning them to his knees and clears his throat.

"Baby, please ..."

"Don't. Call. Me. Baby." I clip out at him.

He flinches but regains his control, "Harp, please, stop doing this to yourself. Vincent isn't good for you. He's just using you. You're better than this."

And then I snap.

"What the h.e.l.l do you know?" I yell at him and look at the rest of them. "Last time I checked, this is my life, and I've done a d.a.m.n good job of getting myself to this point, so I know what I'm doing. Nothing is going to change so you can go now. Thanks for coming by though."

I stand up but Connor is in front of me with his hands on my arms.

"Sit. Down."

"No. And get your hands off me. I don't think Taylor would appreciate it if she found out you were here." I throw in his face. I catch a look of confusion on his face before Catherine pulls me back to the couch with her.

"Harp, we just want to help." She says. "I understand that you and Vincent have been playing pool at JJ's and winning a good amount of money?"

I shake my head yes.

"Honey, that's not healthy or smart. He's using you. He doesn't know the real you, that's hiding in there." She says pointing to my heart. She is right. But I know exactly what Vincent wants from me, and it's easy to meet his expectations.

My mom clears her throat, "I know all about self-destructive behavior. It's what I did for most of your life. I know that's what you are doing. And I understand the hurt you must be feeling now, but it doesn't change who you are. You are still a beautiful, talented, smart, caring, warm girl and ...," her voice breaks, "I just want that girl back."

"Stop hiding from everything Harp," Connor says, "We can help you, or get you help to deal with everything."

"You have no freaking clue about what I'm dealing with," I yell at him. They have all pushed me over the edge. "I am not the same person I was two months ago. That girl is gone ... dead. Everything has changed including me. Now, get the h.e.l.l out of my house!"

I am shaking-I'm so mad. I can feel the heat on my chest and face as I wait for Connor and Catherine to leave, but neither of them stands to go anywhere.