Mr. Punch with The Children - LightNovelsOnl.com
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[Ill.u.s.tration: A BIG PILL.--"What is it, my pet?" "Oh, mum--mummy--I dreamt I'd sw-swallowed myself. Have I?"]
[Ill.u.s.tration: _Hostess._ "What would you like to eat, Effie?" _Effie._ "Cake." _Mother_ (_reprovingly_). "Effie! Effie! What is the word you've forgotten? Pl----" _Effie._ "Pl--um!"]
OVERHEARD AT THE ZOO.--(_A fact._)--_Small child_ (_pointing to the hippopotamus_). Oh, mother, look at that big frog going to have a bath!
_Better-informed parent._ That isn't a frog, yer silly. It's a crocydile!
INFANT AGONIES.--_Small boy._ Auntie! Auntie! Has goosegogs got legs?
_Auntie._ No!
_Small boy._ Boo-hoo-hoo! then I've been and swollered--a beastie!
INADEQUATE HOSPITALITY.--"Well, Guy, did you enjoy the party?"
"Yes, mummy; but I'm _so_ hungry. There was only a _now and then_ tea, you know; with no chairs, and no grace!"
NATURE'S LOGIC.--_Papa._ How is it, Alice, that _you_ never get a prize at school?
_Mamma._ And that your friend, Louisa Sharp, gets so many?
_Alice_ (_innocently_). Ah! Louisa Sharp has got such clever parents!
[Ill.u.s.tration: "FIAT EXPERIMENTUM," &c.--Scene--_A Christmas family gathering at a country house. Old Bachelor Guest_ (_violently awakened out of his morning snooze._) "Who'sh there?" _The Grandchildren_ (_shouting in chorus, and banging at his door_). "Oh, Mr.
Bulkley--please--Mr. Bulkley--do get up--and go on the pond--'pa says--'cause--gran'ma says--we may--if it'll bear you--it'll bear us!"]
[Ill.u.s.tration: SCIENTIFIC ACCURACY
_Ada._ "What horrid things _black-beetles_ are, Miss Grimm! The kitchen is full of them!"
_The Governess._ "I agree with you, Ada! But as they are not _beetles_, and not _black_, perhaps you will call them _c.o.c.k-roaches_ for the future!"
_Ada._ "Certainly, Miss Grimm; although they are not _roaches_, and not _c.o.c.ks_!"]
A CONSCIENTIOUS CHILD.--"Is your cold better this morning, darling?"
"I don't know. I forgot to ask nursey!"
_Tommy._ I can strike a match on _my_ trousers, like Uncle Bob. Can _you_, auntie?
[Ill.u.s.tration: _Mother._ "You must put your dolls away to-day. It's Sunday."
_Little Girl._ "Oh, but, mother, that's all right. We're playing at Sunday school!"]
CONFUSED a.s.sOCIATIONS.--"And where did these Druids live, Tommy?"
"They lived in groves of oak."
"And in what particular ceremony were they engaged once a year?"
"Er--let me see--Oh! in kissing under the mistletoe!"
[Ill.u.s.tration: _Grandmamma._ "And how did it happen, dear?"
_Master Tom._ "It didn't happen. Ma did it on purpose!"]
MASTER TOMMY'S RECEIPTS.--(_To cure a smoky chimney._) Get out on to the roof of the house with a good-sized feather bolster and eighteen-pennyworth of putty. Insert the bolster longways into the chimney, taking care to plaster it all round tightly with the putty. Now sit on it. The chimney will no longer smoke.
[Ill.u.s.tration: And it was only yesterday that grandpapa was complaining to his little grandsons that he never got real winters like he used to have, with plenty of skating and sliding. (N.B.--b.u.t.ter-slides are very effective.)]
THE EVIDENCE OF THE SENSES.--_Mamma._ How _dare_ you slap your sister, George?
_George._ She kicked me when my back was turned, and hurted me very much, I can tell you!
_Mamma._ Where did she hurt you?
_George._ Well, I can't azactly say _where_, because--because my back was turned, and I was looking another way!
