Mr. Punch with The Children Part 3

IN THE LIBRARY.--_Tommy._ How beautifully those books is binded!

_Little Dot._ No, Tommy, that's wrong. You mustn't say "binded"; you should say, "are bounded."

SUPERLATIVE a.s.sURANCE.--_Papa_ (To Little Chris). I can't quite understand you. Was it Mr. Jones, or Mr. David Jones, or Mr. Griffith Jones, whom you met?

_Little Chris_ (_stoutly_). All I know is, it was the _third eldest_ Mr.

Jones.

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Mabel_ (_stroking kitten, a new present_). "Mother, kitty's so hot! Ought she to sit so near the fire?" (_Kitten purrs._) "Oh, mother, listen! She's beginning to boil!"]

A VIRTUE OF NECESSITY.--_Aunt Maria._ What a good little boy to leave your little friends to come with a poor old auntie like me.

_Master Douglas._ Oh, mother always _makes_ us do nasty things and things we don't like.

MASTER TOMMY'S RECEIPTS.--(_The Fair Weather Barometer._) This is a pleasing and simple experiment. The mercury is removed, and divided in equal portions between the cat, the parrot next door, and the interior of grandpapa's forty-guinea repeater. This may cause some local disturbance, but the barometer, relieved of undue pressure, and set at "very dry," may be relied on to indicate, without further attention, permanent fair weather.

AT THE BOARD SCHOOL.--_Inspector._ Now, can any of you children state what is likely to be the future of China?

_One Maiden_ (_after a pause_). Please sir, father says that China's like him.

_Inspector._ Like him! What do you mean?

_The Maiden._ Sure to be broken by the force of circ.u.mstances.

[_Cla.s.s dismissed immediately._

[Ill.u.s.tration: AN INNOCENT HINT

_Auntie._ "What is Nellie's nose for?"

_Nellie_ (_doubtfully_). "To smell with."

_Auntie._ "And what is Nellie's mouth for?"

_Nellie_ (_cautiously_). "To eat with."

_Auntie._ "And what are Nellie's ears for?"

_Nellie_ (_confidently_). "Ear-rings."]

A LITTLE KNOWLEDGE!--_Miss Tomboy._ Mamma, I think those French women were beastly rude.

_Mother._ You mustn't speak like that of those ladies, it's very wrong.

And how often have I told you not to say "beastly"?

_Miss Tomboy._ Well, they _were_ rude. They called me a little cabbage (_mon pet.i.t chou_). The next time they do that I shall call them old French beans.

SOLILOQUY.--"I should like that engine. Can't afford it myself. They won't buy it for me at home--too soon after Christmas. Must go in and ask the girl to put it aside for me till next time I have the croup or something; then mother'll buy it me!"

"TOO CLEVER BY HALF"

Tommy and Johnnie were boys at school, Tommy was clever, but Johnnie a fool; Tommy at lessons was sharp and bright, Johnnie could never do anything right.

Genius often is known to fail; Tommy turned forger, and went to jail.

Johnnie, though slow as he well could be, Plodded away and became M.P.

[Ill.u.s.tration: "CONSERVATION OF TISSUE."--_Uncle._ "Well, Tommy, you see I'm back; are you ready? What have I to pay for, miss?"

_Miss._ "Three buns, four sponge cakes, two sandwiches, one jelly, five tarts, and----" _Uncle._ "Good gracious, boy! Are you not ill?" _Tommy._ "No, uncle; but I'm thirsty."]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Benevolent Old Gentleman._ "Now then, little boy. What do you mean by bullying that little girl? Don't you know it's very cruel?"

_Rude Little Boy._ "Garn! wot's the trouble? _She's my Sweetheart!_"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Grandpapa._ "Well little lady, will you give me a lock of that pretty hair of yours?" _Marjory._ "Yes, granpa'; but"--(_hesitating_)--"I don't fink _one_ lock would be enough, would it?"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: "DADDY'S WAISTCOAT"

(_Sketched from Life in Drury Lane._)]