Masterpieces of American Wit and Humor Part 12

Baby knows the laws of nature Are beneficent and wise; His medulla oblongata Bids my darling close his eyes

And his pneumogastrics tell him Quietude is always best When his little cerebellum Needs recuperative rest.

Baby must have relaxation, Let the world go wrong or right- Sleep, my darling, leave Creation To its chances for the night.

James Jeffrey Roche.

IRISH ASTRONOMY

O'Ryan was a man of might Whin Ireland was a nation, But poachin' was his heart's delight And constant occupation.

He had an ould militia gun, And sartin sure his aim was; He gave the keepers many a run, And wouldn't mind the game laws

St. Pathrick wanst was pa.s.sin' by O'Ryan's little houldin', And, as the saint felt wake and dhry He thought he'd enther bould in.

"O'Ryan," says the saint, "avick!

To praich at Thurles I'm goin'; So let me have a rasher quick, And a dhrop of Innishowen."

"No rasher will I cook for you While betther is to spare, sir, But here's a jug of mountain dew, And there's a rattlin' hare, sir."

St. Pathrick he looked mighty sweet, And says he, "Good luck attind you, And whin you're in your windin' sheet, It's up to heaven I'll sind you."

O'Ryan gave his pipe a whiff- "Them tidin's is thransportin', But may I ax your saints.h.i.+p if There's any kind of sportin'?"

St. Pathrick said, "A Lion's there, Two Bears, a Bull, and Cancer"- "Bedad," says Mick, "the huntin's rare; St. Pathrick, I'm your man, sir."

So, to conclude my song aright, For fear I'd tire your patience You'll see O'Ryan any night, Amid the constellations.

And Venus follows in his track Till Mars grows jealous raally, But, faith, he fears the Irish knack Of handling the s.h.i.+llaly.

Charles Graham Halpine.

BESSIE BROWN, M.D.

'Twas April when she came to town; The birds had come, the bees were swarming.

Her name, she said, was Doctor Brown: I saw at once that she was charming.

She took a cottage tinted green, Where dewy roses loved to mingle; And on the door, next day, was seen A dainty little s.h.i.+ngle.

Her hair was like an amber wreath; Her hat was darker, to enhance it.

The violet eyes that glowed beneath Were brighter than her keenest lancet.

The beauties of her glove and gown The sweetest rhyme would fail to utter.

Ere she had been a day in town The town was in a flutter.

The gallants viewed her feet and hands, And swore they never saw such wee things; The gossips met in purring bands And tore her piecemeal o'er the tea things.

The former drank the Doctor's health With clinking cups, the gay carousers; The latter watched her door by stealth, Just like so many mousers.

But Doctor Bessie went her way Unmindful of the spiteful cronies, And drove her buggy every day Behind a das.h.i.+ng pair of ponies.

Her flower-like face so bright she bore I hoped that time might never wilt her.

The way she tripped across the floor Was better than a philter.

Her patients thronged the village street; Her snowy slate was always quite full.

Some said her bitters tasted sweet, And some p.r.o.nounced her pills delightful.

'Twas strange--I knew not what it meant- She seemed a nymph from Eldorado; Where'er she came, where'er she went, Grief lost its gloomy shadow.

Like all the rest, I, too, grew ill; My aching heart there was no quelling.

I tremble at my Doctor's bill- And lo! the items still are swelling.

The drugs I've drunk you'd weep to hear!

They've quite enriched the fair concocter, And I'm a ruined man, I fear, Unless--I wed the Doctor!

Samuel Minturn Peck.

THE TROUT, THE CAT AND THE FOX

A Fable

(Anonymous)

A fine full-grown Trout for had some time kept his station in a clear stream, when, one morning, a Cat, extravagantly fond, as cats are wont to be, of fish, caught a glimpse of him, as he glided from beneath an overhanging part of the bank, toward the middle of the river; and with this glimpse, she resolved to spare no pains to capture him. As she sat on the bank waiting for the return of the fish, and laying a plan for her enterprise, a Fox came up, and saluting her, said:

"Your servant, Mrs. Puss. A pleasant place this for taking the morning air; and a notable place for fish, eh!"

"Good morning, Mr. Reynard," replied the Cat. "The place is, as you say, pleasant enough. As for fish, you can judge for yourself whether there are any in this part of the river. I do not deny that near the falls, about four miles from here, some very fine salmon and other fish are to be found."

At this very moment, very inappositely for the Cat's hint, the Trout made his appearance; and the Fox looking significantly at her, said:

"The falls, madam! Perhaps this fine Trout is on his way thither. It may be that you would like the walk; allow me the pleasure of accompanying you?"

"I thank you, sir," replied the Cat, "but I am not disposed to walk so far at present. Indeed, I hardly know whether I am quite well. I think I will rest myself a little, and then return home."

"Whatever you may determine," rejoined the Fox, "I hope to be permitted to enjoy your society and conversation; and possibly I may have the great gratification of preventing the tedium which, were you left alone, your indisposition might produce."

In speaking thus, the crafty Fox had no doubt that the only indisposition from which the Cat was suffering was an unwillingness to allow him a share of her booty; and he was determined that, so far as management could go, she should catch no fish that day without his being a party to the transaction. As the trout still continued in sight, be began to commend his shape and color; and the Cat, seeing no way of getting rid of him, finally agreed that they should jointly try their skill and divide the spoil. Upon this compact, they both went actively to work.

They agreed first to try the following device: A small k.n.o.b of earth covered with rushes stood in the water close to the bank. Both the fishers were to crouch behind these rushes; the Fox was to move the water very gently with the end of his long brush, and withdraw it so soon as the Trout's attention should have been drawn to that point; and the Cat was to hold her right paw underneath, and be ready, so soon as the fish should come over it, to throw him out on the bank.

No sooner was the execution of this device commenced than it seemed likely to succeed. The Trout soon noticed the movement on the water, and glided quickly toward the point where it was made; but when he had arrived within about twice his own length of it, he stopped and then backed toward the middle of the river. Several times this maneuver was repeated, and always with the same result, until the tricky pair were convinced that they must try some other scheme.

It so happened that whilst they were considering what they should do next, the Fox espied a small piece of meat, when it was agreed that he should tear this into little bits and throw them into the stream above where they then were; that the Cat should wait, crouched behind a tuft of gra.s.s, to dash into the river and seize the Trout, if he should come to take any piece of meat floating near the bank; and that the Fox should, on the first movement of the Cat, return and give his help. This scheme was put into practice, but with no better success than the other. The Trout came and took the pieces of meat which had floated farthest off from the bank, but to those which floated near he seemed to pay no attention. As he rose to take the last, he put his mouth out of the water and said, "To other travelers with these petty tricks: here we are 'wide awake as a black fish' and are not to be caught with bits and sc.r.a.ps, like so many silly gudgeons!"

As the Trout went down, the Fox said, in an undertone: "Say you so, my fine fellow; we may, perhaps, make a _gudgeon_ of you yet!"

Then, turning to the Cat, he proposed to her a new scheme in the following terms: