Homeward Bound Part 37

Ka.s.squit didn't want to think about his leaving. She remembered how unhappy she'd been after Jonathan Yeager went back down to the surface of Tosev 3. She was happier now than she had been with him. Would she be unhappier without Frank Coffey in proportion to the degree she was happier with him? Probably. That seemed logical, even if logic didn't always play a large role in emotional dealings.

I am happy now. By the spirits of Emperors past, I will enjoy being happy now. I will savor it. And if I am unhappy later, I suppose I will end up savoring that, too.

As if reading her thoughts, Coffey said, "I am not going anywhere for a while."

"Good," Ka.s.squit said, and used one more emphatic cough.

By now, a fair number of shopkeepers in Sitneff were used to having Big Uglies drop in on them. Karen Yeager ignored her husband's teasing about having no clothes to shop for here. She knew Jonathan wouldn't have minded watching her or any other reasonably good-looking woman who wore body paint and nothing else.

Because she couldn't shop for clothes (like any good teasing, Jonathan's held a grain of truth), she had to improvise. Bookstores fascinated her, as they fascinated her father-in-law. Very often, one of her guards would pull out a transaction card and buy something for her. Sooner or later, his superiors would pay him back. Since none of the guards grumbled about how much money Karen cost, she guessed the repayment arrangements were more efficient than they would have been in the USA.

The Race's printed lines ran from top to bottom of the page and from right to left across it. Lizards opened books at what would have been the back by American standards and worked their way forward. Other than that, their volumes were surprisingly similar to the ones humans used. They stored a lot of data electronically, but they hadn't abandoned words on paper.

"Why should we?" a bookstore clerk responded when she remarked on that. "Books are convenient. They are cheap. They require no electronic support. Why make things more complicated than necessary?"

Back on Earth, the answer would have been, Because we can. Because we can. Sometimes the Race was wise enough not to do what it had the technical ability to do. Not so many humans had that kind of wisdom. Sometimes the Race was wise enough not to do what it had the technical ability to do. Not so many humans had that kind of wisdom.

One of her guards said, "If a beffel chews up a book, that is an annoyance. If a beffel chews up an electronic reader, that is a larger annoyance and a larger expense."

"Befflem are are nuisances," another guard said. "I often wonder why we put up with them. They run wild and get into everything." nuisances," another guard said. "I often wonder why we put up with them. They run wild and get into everything."

He swung his eye turrets toward Karen, then looked away again a moment later. She knew what that meant. Lizards often compared humans to befflem. She didn't think of it as an insult, though the Race often meant it that way. She liked the small, feisty creatures the Lizards kept as pets. She would have liked them even better if they hadn't gone feral and made nuisances of themselves over such a broad part of Earth.

"Are you finished here, superior Tosevite?" the first guard asked her.

She made the affirmative gesture. "I am," she said. "Since we have been speaking of befflem, would you be kind enough to take me to a pet store?"

"It shall be done, superior Tosevite." Did the guard sound amused or resigned? Karen couldn't quite tell. She would have bet on the latter, though.

She didn't care. She enjoyed the Race's pet shops at least as much as bookstores. The bookstores did smell better. Pet shops on Earth were often full of earthy odors. Pet shops on Home were full of unearthly odors, sharper and more ammoniacal than their equivalents back in the USA. Karen didn't mind all that much. The odors weren't dreadful, and after a few minutes she always got used to them.

Befflem in cages scurried around and squabbled with one another and beeped at anyone who went by and stuck out their tongues to help odors reach their scent receptors. They also beeped at the larger, more dignified tsiongyu, the Race's other favorite pets. The tsiongyu usually ignored the befflem. Every once in a while, though, they lost their air of lordly disdain and tried to hurl themselves through the wire mesh of their cages at the low-slung, scaly beasts that annoyed them. When they did, the befflem only got more annoying. A beffel's chief purpose in life often seemed to be getting someone or something angry at it.

Karen fascinated the befflem. Just as the odors in the pet store were alien to her, her smell was nothing they'd ever met before. They crowded to the front of their cages. Their tongues flicked in and out, in and out, tasting the strange odors of Earth. Their beeps took on a plaintive note. The befflem might almost have been asking, What are you? What are you doing here? What are you? What are you doing here?

The tsiongyu, by contrast, pretended Karen wasn't there. They were long-legged, elegant, and snooty. Too smart for their own good Too smart for their own good was how she thought of them. They ignored the members of the Race in the pet shop, too. They could be affectionate, once they got to know somebody. With strangers, though, it was as if they were society matrons who hadn't been introduced. was how she thought of them. They ignored the members of the Race in the pet shop, too. They could be affectionate, once they got to know somebody. With strangers, though, it was as if they were society matrons who hadn't been introduced.

There were also cages with evening sevod and other flying creatures in them. They stared at Karen out of turreted eyes. It wasn't evening, so the sevod weren't singing. The other flying animals squawked and hissed and buzzed. Karen wouldn't have wanted anything that made noises like that in her house. By the prices on the cages, the Lizards didn't mind the racket at all.

Farther back in the store were aquariums filled with Home's equivalent of fish. They looked much less different from fish on Earth than land creatures here did from land creatures on Karen's home planet. Water imposed more design constraints on evolution than air did. But the turreted, swiveling eyes went back a long, long way in the history of life on Home, for the fishy things used them, too.

One silver variety swam along just below the surface of the water. It had unusually long eye turrets. They stuck up into the air, as if they were twin periscopes on a submarine. A guard said, "When the shooter sees a ffissach or some other prey on a leaf over its stream, it spits water at it, knocks it down, and eats it."

"Truth?" Karen said. The male made the affirmative gesture. Karen came closer and looked at the little watery creatures with new interest-till one of them, literally, spat in her eye. She jumped back in a hurry, dabbing at her face with the sleeve of her T-s.h.i.+rt.

The guards all laughed. They thought that was the funniest thing they'd ever seen. Once Karen had dried off, she did, too. "You see, superior Tosevite?" said the guard who'd told her about shooters.

"I do see," Karen said. "But why did the shooter spit water at me? I was not sitting on a leaf." The guards thought that was pretty funny, too.

As they left the pet shop, the manager called, "Would you not like a beffel of your own, superior Tosevite? Life with a beffel is never dull." Karen believed that. She didn't rise to the sales pitch, though.

Out on the sidewalk, a Lizard came up to her and said, "Excuse me, but are you not one of the creatures called Big Uglies?"

"Yes, that is what I am," Karen agreed. Most of the time, members of the Race used the name without even thinking it might be insulting. She wondered how often whites had said n.i.g.g.e.r n.i.g.g.e.r the same way around Frank Coffey. the same way around Frank Coffey.

Then, suddenly, she had other things to worry about. The Lizard opened his mouth wide and bit her in the arm.

She screamed. She pounded the Lizard on the snout. She kicked him. She grabbed his arm when he tried to claw her, too. After a heartbeat of stunned surprise, the guards jumped on the Lizard and pulled him off her.

"Big Uglies killed both my best friends on Tosev 3!" he shouted. "I want revenge! I have to have revenge!"

"You are as addled as an unhatched egg abandoned in the sun," a guard said.

Karen paid next to no attention. Lizards' teeth were sharp and pointed. She bled from at least a dozen punctures and tears. On Earth, improvising a bandage would have been easy, for cloth was everywhere. Not so here. She pulled her T-s.h.i.+rt off over her head and wrapped it around her arm. Seeing her in a bra and shorts wouldn't scandalize the Lizards. They thought she was peculiar any which way.

Two guards dragged off the Lizard who'd bitten her. The third one bent into the posture of respect, saying, "I apologize, superior Tosevite. From the depths of my liver, I apologize. That male must be deranged."

Karen's arm hurt too much for her to care about the Lizard's psychiatric condition. Through clenched teeth, she said, "Take me back to the hotel. I want to have our physician look at these wounds and clean them."

"It shall be done, superior Tosevite," the guard said, and done it was.

Back at the hotel, both Lizards and humans exclaimed when they saw her with a b.l.o.o.d.y s.h.i.+rt wrapped around her arm. They exclaimed again when she told them how she'd got hurt. "Please get out of the way," she said several times. "I need to see Dr. Blanchard."

"Well, this is a lovely mess," the physician said when she got a good look at Karen's injuries. She cleaned them, which hurt. Then she disinfected them, which hurt worse. "A couple of those are going to need st.i.tches, I'm afraid."

"Will they get infected?" Karen asked.

"Good question," Dr. Blanchard said. She didn't answer right away, reaching for the novocaine instead. That hurt going in, but numbed things afterwards. Before she started suturing, though, she went on, "We haven't seen much in the way of germs here on Home that bother us. But I'll tell you, I wish you hadn't picked this particular way to try the experiment."

"So do I," Karen said feelingly. "The Lizard must have been storing up resentment since the days of the conquest fleet-well, since the days when word from the conquest fleet got back from Home. And the first Big Ugly he saw, he just went chomp! chomp! Good thing he didn't have a gun." Good thing he didn't have a gun."

"Probably a very good thing," Melanie Blanchard agreed. "Um, you may not want to watch this."

"You're right. I may not." Looking was making Karen woozy. "Do you think a teta.n.u.s shot would help?"

"I doubt it. They won't have teta.n.u.s here. They'll have something else instead," the doctor answered, which made an unfortunate amount of sense. "I will give you a bunch of our antibiotics, though. I hope they'll do some good, but I can't promise you anything."

"Why not give me some of the ones the Lizards use, too?" Karen asked.

"I would, except I think they're more likely to poison you than help you," Dr. Blanchard answered. "I don't know of any that have been tested on us. I don't think anyone ever saw the need before."

"Oh, joy," Karen said. "If I start breaking out in green and purple blotches-"

"If you do, all bets are off," Melanie Blanchard said. "But I don't want to try anything like that before I have to, because it is is dangerous for you. I think I'd better consult with some of the Race's doctors, to find out which drugs I ought to use just in case." dangerous for you. I think I'd better consult with some of the Race's doctors, to find out which drugs I ought to use just in case."

"I didn't come here intending to be a guinea pig," Karen said.

"People hardly ever do intend to become guinea pigs," Dr. Blanchard observed. "Sometimes it happens anyway."

"What do you think the chances are?" Karen asked.

Dr. Blanchard sent her a severe look. "Guinea pigs don't get to ask questions like that. They find out." Oh, joy, Oh, joy, Karen thought again. Karen thought again.

When Jonathan Yeager went into cold sleep, he never thought he would have to worry about whether his wife came down with a wound infection. He'd imagined a nuclear confrontation between the Admiral Peary Admiral Peary and the forces of the Race, but never an angry Lizard with a long-festering grudge and a nasty set of teeth. He wished he hadn't thought of the grudge in those terms-not that he could do anything about it now. and the forces of the Race, but never an angry Lizard with a long-festering grudge and a nasty set of teeth. He wished he hadn't thought of the grudge in those terms-not that he could do anything about it now.

"How are you?" he asked Karen every morning for a week.

"Sore. Nauseated, too," she would answer-she was taking a lot of antibiotics.

At the end of the week, Jonathan's heart began coming down from his throat. His wife seemed to be healing well. Dr. Blanchard took out the st.i.tches. She gave a cautious thumbs-up, saying, "With luck, no more excitement."

"I'd vote for that," Karen said. "Excitement isn't why I came here. And good old dull looks nice right now."

"You've got apologies from everybody but the Emperor himself," Jonathan said.

His wife shrugged. "I'd rather not have got bitten in the first place, if it's all the same to you."

"Well, yes, I can see that," Jonathan said. "I'm glad you seem to be healing all right."

"you're glad!" Karen exclaimed. "What about me? I was joking with the doctor about breaking out in green and purple blotches-and I was hoping I glad!" Karen exclaimed. "What about me? I was joking with the doctor about breaking out in green and purple blotches-and I was hoping I was was joking, if you know what I mean." joking, if you know what I mean."

"Our germs don't seem to bother the Lizards, so it's only fair the ones on Home should leave us alone," Jonathan said.

"That's what Melanie told me. That's nice and logical," his wife replied. "When it's your arm, though, logic kind of goes out the window."

"The crazy Lizard could have raised an even bigger scandal," Jonathan said.

"How? By biting your father?" Karen said. "That would have done it, all right. He's the amba.s.sador, after all, not just an amba.s.sador's flunky like yours truly."

"Well, I'm just an amba.s.sador's flunky, too," Jonathan said, a little uneasily. Comparisons with his father made him nervous. He was good enough to get here. His father was good enough to head up the American emba.s.sy. Not a lot of difference, but enough. He shook his head. That wasn't what he wanted to think about right now. He went on, "I had something else in mind. What if the crazy Lizard had bitten Ka.s.squit?"

"Ka.s.squit?" Karen thought about it, then started to giggle. "Yes, that would have been a hoot, wouldn't it? Poor Lizard is angry at the Big Uglies because his friends got killed during the fighting, and then he would have hauled off and bitten the only Big Ugly who wishes she were a Lizard and has the citizens.h.i.+p to prove it? That would have been better than man bites dog."

The Lizard's story was pathetic, if you looked at it from his point of view. Here he'd nursed his grief and his grudge all these years-it would have been close to eighty of the Earthly variety since he got the bad news-and what had he got for it? One snap-at a human who hadn't been more than a baby when the fighting stopped. Oh, yes: he'd got one more thing. He'd got all the trouble the Race could give him. They'd lock him up and eat the key, which was what they did instead of throwing it away.

Jonathan didn't worry about going into Sitneff even after his wife's unfortunate incident. His guards asked him about it once. He said, "Any male of the Race who bites me will probably come down with acute indigestion. And, in my opinion, he will deserve it, too."

That startled the guards into laughing. One of them said, "Superior Tosevite, do you taste as bad as that?"

"Actually, I do not know," Jonathan answered. "I have never tried to make a meal of myself." The guards laughed again. They didn't try to restrict his movements, and keeping them from doing that was what he'd had in mind.

Like Karen, he prowled bookstores. He read the Race's language even better than he spoke it. Words on a page just sat there. They could be pinned down and a.n.a.lyzed. In the spoken language, they were there and gone.

Since word of the conquest fleet's arrival on Tosev 3 got back to Home, the Lizards had spent a good deal of time and ingenuity writing about humans, their customs, and the planet on which they dwelt. Much of that writing was so bad, it was almost funny. Jonathan didn't care. He bought lots of those books. No matter how bad they were, they said a lot about what the Lizard in the street thought of Big Uglies.

The short answer seemed to be, not much. not much. According to the Race's writers, humans were addicted to killing one another, often for the most flimsy of reasons. Photographs from the According to the Race's writers, humans were addicted to killing one another, often for the most flimsy of reasons. Photographs from the Reich Reich and the Soviet Union ill.u.s.trated the point. They were also s.e.xually depraved. Photographs ill.u.s.trated that point, too, photographs that wouldn't have been printable back on Earth. Here, the pictures were likelier to rouse laughter than l.u.s.t. And humans were the ones who grew ginger. and the Soviet Union ill.u.s.trated the point. They were also s.e.xually depraved. Photographs ill.u.s.trated that point, too, photographs that wouldn't have been printable back on Earth. Here, the pictures were likelier to rouse laughter than l.u.s.t. And humans were the ones who grew ginger.

Ginger had sp.a.w.ned a literature of its own. Most of that literature seemed intended to convince the Lizards of Home that it was dreadful stuff, a drug no self-respecting member of the Race should ever try. Some of it put Jonathan in mind of Reefer Madness Reefer Madness and other propaganda films from before the days he was born-his father would talk about them every now and again. But there were exceptions. and other propaganda films from before the days he was born-his father would talk about them every now and again. But there were exceptions.

One Life, One Mate was by the defiant female half of a permanently mated Lizard pair: permanently mated thanks to ginger and what it did to female pheromones. The pair was, for all practical purposes, married, except the idea hadn't occurred to the Lizards till they got to Tosev 3. The female described all the advantages of the state and how it was superior to the ordinary friends.h.i.+ps males and females formed. She was talking about love-but, again, that was something the Lizards hadn't known about till they b.u.mped into humanity. was by the defiant female half of a permanently mated Lizard pair: permanently mated thanks to ginger and what it did to female pheromones. The pair was, for all practical purposes, married, except the idea hadn't occurred to the Lizards till they got to Tosev 3. The female described all the advantages of the state and how it was superior to the ordinary friends.h.i.+ps males and females formed. She was talking about love-but, again, that was something the Lizards hadn't known about till they b.u.mped into humanity.

She went on almost endlessly about how the mixture of friends.h.i.+p and s.e.xual pleasure produced a happiness unlike any she'd known at Home (the ginger might have had something to do with that, too, but she didn't mention it). Rhetorically, she asked why such an obvious good should be reserved for Big Uglies alone. She complained about the Race's intolerance toward couples that had chosen to create such permanent bonds with ginger. The biographical summary at the back of the book (it would have been the front in one in English) said she and her mate were living in Phoenix, Arizona. Jonathan knew not all permanently mated pairs were expelled from the Race's territory these days. The author and her partner, though, had done as so many others had before them, and found happiness as immigrants in the USA.

Jonathan's guards had a low opinion of One Life, One Mate. One Life, One Mate. "Bad enough to be a pervert," one of them said. "Worse to brag about it." "Bad enough to be a pervert," one of them said. "Worse to brag about it."

"Meaning no offense, superior Tosevite," another added. "This kind of mating behavior is natural for you. We of the Race thought it was peculiar at first, but now we see that is an inescapable part of what you are. But our way is as natural for us as yours is for you. Would any Tosevites want to imitate our practices?"

Hordes of l.u.s.t-crazed women not caring who joined with them, panting and eager for the first man who came along? Dryly, Jonathan said, "Some of our males might not mind so very much."

"Well, it would be unnatural for them," the second guard insisted. "And your way is unnatural for us. Next thing you know, this addled female will want each pair to take care of its own eggs and hatchlings, too." His mouth fell open and his jaw waggled back and forth in derisive laughter.

"That is how we do things," Jonathan said.

"Yes, but your hatchlings are weak and helpless when they are newly out of the egg," the guard said, proving he'd done some-but not quite all-of his homework about Big Uglies. "Ours need much less care."

"Truth," the first guard said.

Was it the truth? The Race took it as gospel, but Jonathan wasn't so sure. His folks-and then he and Karen-had raised Mickey and Donald as much as if they were human beings as possible. The little Lizards had learned to talk and to act in a fairly civilized way much faster than hatchlings seemed to do among the Race. Maybe giving them lots of attention had its advantages. it the truth? The Race took it as gospel, but Jonathan wasn't so sure. His folks-and then he and Karen-had raised Mickey and Donald as much as if they were human beings as possible. The little Lizards had learned to talk and to act in a fairly civilized way much faster than hatchlings seemed to do among the Race. Maybe giving them lots of attention had its advantages.

And maybe you don't know what the devil you're talking about, Jonathan thought. Mickey and Donald were no more normal Lizards than Ka.s.squit was a normal human. With her example before them, the Americans had gone ahead anyway. Jonathan had been proud of that when the project first began. He wasn't so proud of it any more. His family had done its best, but it couldn't possibly have produced anything but a couple of warped Lizards. Jonathan thought. Mickey and Donald were no more normal Lizards than Ka.s.squit was a normal human. With her example before them, the Americans had gone ahead anyway. Jonathan had been proud of that when the project first began. He wasn't so proud of it any more. His family had done its best, but it couldn't possibly have produced anything but a couple of warped Lizards.

He had more sympathy for Ttomalss than he'd ever dreamt he would. That was something he intended never to tell Ka.s.squit.

"I have a question for you, superior Tosevite," the second guard said. "Ginger is common and cheap on your world. Suppose all the males and females of the Race there fall into these perverted ways. How will we deal with them? How can we hope to deal with them, when they have such disgusting habits?"

The question was real and important. It had occurred to humans and to other members of the Race. The answer? As far as Jonathan knew, n.o.body had one yet. He tried his best: "I do not believe all members of the Race on Tosev 3 will change their habits. More of them use ginger there than here, yes, but not everyone there does-far from it. And those who keep to their old habits on Tosev 3 have learned to be more patient and respectful toward those who have changed their ways. Perhaps members of the Race here should learn to do the same. Sometimes different is only different, not better or worse."

All three of his guards made the negative gesture. The one who had not spoken till now asked, "How do you Tosevites treat the perverts among you? I am sure you have some. Every species we know has some."

"Yes, we do," Jonathan agreed. "How do we treat them? Better than we used to, I will say that. We are more tolerant than we were. Perhaps you will find that the same thing happens to you as time goes by."

"Perhaps we will, but I doubt it," that third guard said. "What is right is right and what is wrong is wrong. How can we possibly put up with what anyone sensible can tell is wrong with a single swing of the eye turret?" His companions made the affirmative gesture.

"Your difficulty is, the Race's society has not changed much for a very long time," Jonathan said. "When anything different does come to your notice, you want to reject it without even thinking about it."

"And why should we not? By the spirits of Emperors past, we know what is right and proper," the guard declared. Again, his comrades plainly agreed with him. Jonathan could have gone on arguing, but he didn't see the point. He wasn't going to change their minds. They were sure they already had the answers-had them and liked them. He'd never thought of the Lizards as Victorian, but he did now.

The Race didn't arrest Walter Stone after he returned their scooter to them. Glen Johnson a.s.sumed that meant whatever ginger had been aboard was removed before they got it back. Stone said, "What would you do if I told you they didn't even search the scooter?"

"What would I do?" Johnson echoed. "Well, the first thing I'd do is, I'd call you a liar."

Stone looked at him. "Are you calling me a liar?" His voice held a distinct whiff of fists behind the barn, if not of dueling pistols at dawn. you calling me a liar?" His voice held a distinct whiff of fists behind the barn, if not of dueling pistols at dawn.

Johnson didn't care. "That depends," he answered. "Are you telling me the Lizards didn't search the scooter? If you are, you're d.a.m.n straight I'm calling you a liar. They aren't stupid. They know where ginger comes from, and they know d.a.m.n well the Easter Bunny doesn't bring it." you telling me the Lizards didn't search the scooter? If you are, you're d.a.m.n straight I'm calling you a liar. They aren't stupid. They know where ginger comes from, and they know d.a.m.n well the Easter Bunny doesn't bring it."