Comeback Moms Part 9

When George W. Bush was elected, Anita had no plans to join the administration, but a friend called and asked if she would come help out the transition team on a volunteer basis a couple of mornings a week. Two mornings morphed into three days and that evolved into all week. After a few months of volunteering Anita was offered a paid position.

She began at the White House and then moved to the State Department, handling presidential placements. Just two weeks into the job, the White House called asking her to take the position of special a.s.sistant to the president for White House Management. She would be responsible for all aspects of running the White House from telephones and office a.s.signments to infrastructure matters and managing the White House budget. She accepted the position despite her reservations as mother of two young children.

"It was the toughest job I've ever done," she said. "I was here every night until one or two o'clock in the morning. My youngest child was just seven months old at that point. Finally, I realized it was too much. I went to the chief of staff and told him that although I loved the Bushes, I just couldn't keep doing this."

She returned to the State Department and was there eighteen months when her husband accepted a yearlong job in Germany for DaimlerChrysler. Anita told her bosses at the State Department that she'd be back in a year and she'd love to return to work there. The department worked out an arrangement where she could keep her security clearances current.

When she came back, she was given a position in the State. Department for two days a week recruiting Americans to work in United Nations posts. She was content. Working part time satisfied her desire to keep working and suited her family. She wasn't looking for anything else.

Driving to pick up her kids one day, Anita's cell phone rang. Mrs. Bush's office wanted to know if Anita was interested in being considered for the position as her chief of staff after the 2004 election.

Anita was honored but hesitant. Her husband traveled frequently. She knew if she was offered the position she'd be working a lot and if her husband was traveling a lot there wouldn't be a steady parental presence at home.

She went ahead and interviewed with Mrs. Bush, who offered her the job a few weeks later. At the same time, her husband accepted a new job that kept him off the road. They both started in their new positions on the same day.

Her advice?

Don't be afraid to volunteer, always keep doing something for yourself, like a part-time job, and when you do work make sure you have good help because employers and coworkers can lose patience quickly with home emergencies.

8.

Going Back The When and How of Returning to Work Full Time This is the most commonly asked and philosophically debated question among our girlfriends since "Friends.h.i.+p or s.e.xual attraction, which is more important in a prospective husband?"

Is it worth it to go back to work?

A lot of times the salary you start at when you go back will barely cover the child-care costs you'll incur. Your husband may whine and moan and tell you to stay home because he doesn't want to deal with the extra ha.s.sle of child care, more tax forms, and more responsibility. Funny, since he probably complained when you quit. Your children may beg you to stay home and promise that if you go back to work it will be the end of the world as they know it and they can't make you any guarantees about how they'll turn out as a result. They'll dangle the specter of juvenile delinquency in front of you.

All these factors cause a lot of our friends to sigh with resignation at the afterschool pick up spot and say they think it's best for the family if they don't go back.

But is that really what's best?

Our children will never want us to go back to work. They will always have issues when we do. Our husbands will have problems too. However much they grumble about us staying at home, they have it easier logistically and child-wise when we do stay home. Men do not like things that disrupt their lives. That's why they stay loyal to losing sports teams, shaving creams, and brands of underwear for decades. When you leave and enter the workforce you're inflicting a lot of change on them.

One friend's wife has stayed at home with their three children for eight years. She talks about going back to work but her husband, our friend, constantly pooh-poohs the idea because it would be a ha.s.sle. She's a teacher. At the height of her career, she didn't make more than $40,000. He makes $250,000.

"We don't need the money. If she went back, taking the kids everywhere they need to go would be a nightmare. It's not worth it," he said.

That's the crux of the issue. A lot of times it's not worth it for him if you go back to work, but it is worth it for you. When you return to work you revive your contacts and add new ones to your address book. You test yourself intellectually. You form new neural pathways.

Is it worth it?

Absolutely. If you want to go back, don't let family fears stop you. They'll readjust after a few months. Six months go by and it will be like you always worked.

MAKING THE DECISION TO RETURN TO WORK.

For some women, the decision to stay home with the kids is a permanent one. In addition to their last paycheck, their employer should hand them a gold watch as they walk out the door. This is their retirement. They're never going back, and they know it.

Most women don't fit this category. They know that someday they'll come back. The question is not if but when.

Typically, these women struggle with when to return to work almost as much as the initial quandary over whether to leave in the first place. For each woman, the factors driving her decision to return to work are quite personal.

SOME REASONS WOMEN RETURN TO WORK* Boredom-the kids are either in school all day or grown and out of the house completely* Money-your husband loses his job or you find it impossible to survive on one income* Circ.u.mstances-you're divorced or a widow* Opportunity-a once in a lifetime job opportunity arises* Reality-you want to stay in your profession and you realize if you don't return to work soon your degree and job experience will be obsolete

Give yourself time to evaluate your reasons and make sure you're prepared. One employer said he sees a lot of women come back to work when they're not ready to work. Their hearts aren't in it; their heads are somewhere else. They aren't as compet.i.tive as they used to be.

Anna and her husband decided that her staying home with their three daughters was important.

"It was actually his idea," she says. "He had a single mom who worked all the time and was never able to be home with him and his brothers. He felt strongly that one parent needed to be home with the kids."

Then he lost his job. But that didn't send Anna immediately back into the workplace. Her husband found some contract work. Anna offered to return to work, but he insisted that things would be fine. Since Anna paid the bills, she knew that in fact things weren't fine at all and kept getting worse. Finally, when their savings dried up and making the mortgage payment became a strain, Anna went back to work.

"I knew we were headed into bankruptcy, and I didn't want to go there," she says. "Maybe someday I'll go back to being a stay-at-home mom again, but I'll definitely have to look long and hard at everything before I do it again."

SO WHAT DOES SHE DO ALL DAY?.

Women usually start contemplating going back to work when their children are all in elementary school full time. It's about that time that they begin having a gnawing feeling that everyone is whispering behind their backs, "When is she going to go back to work?" or "So what keeps her busy from 9:00 A.M. to 3:00 P.M. every day?"

If you feel like you want to dip back into professional waters, start by discussing the possibility with your husband. Just as he had a critical vote in your decision to leave work, his opinion is extremely vital in whether or not you go back. With reservations, he'll probably support your returning to work. The additional income will take some of the strain off of him.

Only one factor is likely to stand in the way of him joining the team 100 percent and that is his willingness to make some pretty dramatic changes himself. He's accustomed to you always being there. He counts on dinner being ready when he arrives home from work. He knows he can ask you to run his car over for service in the middle of the day or pick up the laundry the moment it's ready. He never worries that the children aren't getting their homework done, receiving all their vaccinations on schedule, or eating their vegetables.

If you return to work, that all will change and he will have to agree to it. He'll have to help out at home. If not, you might as well prepare yourself for your nervous breakdown.

The number one mistake a woman makes in deciding to return to work is failing to work out the details of the new family situation with her spouse in advance. Instead, she tries to do everything herself. That arrangement works for a while. Then one day she's awakened by the scent of scores of flowers wafting from the windowsill of the hospital room where she's recovering from surgery to repair her bleeding ulcer.

Be reasonable and realistic. If you will only be working part time, you realistically can't expect your husband to agree to go fifty-fifty on everything. By the same token, if you will be working eight-hour days but only making a third of the salary your husband makes, don't immediately accept the argument that you should take on all the responsibility at home because his job brings home more money to the family.

ISSUES TO DISCUSS WITH YOUR HUSBAND* Who will take care of the children's needs, like staying home with them when they're sick? Will you both equally share this responsibility or will it solely rest on your shoulders?* What if your new job requires you to travel? Is your husband willing to be totally responsible for the needs of the household while you're away?* What if both of you have jobs that require travel and there will be occasions when you're both out of town? What arrangements will you make for the children then?* Who will cook the meals, wash the dishes, clean the clothes, vacuum the carpet, scrub the toilets, and perform all the other necessary tasks that keep the family fed, well dressed, and living without the constant fear that the Health Department might show up one day and declare the home unsafe for human habitation?* Will you or your husband be responsible for all the duties a.s.sociated with home maintenance? For instance, if you awake one day and discover that your dishwasher is leaking and that your hardwood kitchen floor is flooded, which one of you is going to wait to let the maintenance man in the house?* Who will pay the bills each month?

CHILD CARE.

The last factor in your decision is perhaps the most difficult-child care. You stayed home because you recognized the importance of being home with your child. A few years away from work and at home with the kids probably means that your needs and expectations for child care have changed.

If your child isn't school age, you will need full-time child care.

To hire a nanny or not? Unfortunately, one of the biggest factors in child care decisions is cost. Most women would love to hire a nanny so that their kids could have one-on-one attention in their own homes, but they discover it's way too expensive. A few years ago, Monica was shocked to learn that some nannies in her area earn $40,000 per year. That's fine for Bill and Melinda Gates perhaps, but even two highly paid working professionals struggle to scratch together that kind of money for child care. At the other end of the financial spectrum are day-care centers, which provide cost-effective but less personalized care. One mother described day care as detention for the pre-k set. In all fairness, we know of some pretty fabulous day cares that even teach the kids sign language and Spanish.

Given the combination of motherly guilt mixed with financial constraints, choosing child care is probably the most difficult task on your return-to-work checklist. Don't stress too much. As long as you research the place you choose and find it's safe, your child will prosper.

The Phylum of Child Care * Nannies come in all varieties. There are full-time nannies who come to your house each day for a set number of hours, and there are part-time nannies who only come for part of each day. Unlike other child-care arrangements, a nanny provides one-on-one care for your children. One source for hiring a nanny is a placement service, but keep in mind that they charge a fee for checking references and doing a background check.* An au pair is similar to a nanny except that she is typically a student from another country. She is working on a visa, which allows her to stay in the United States for a period of up to one year. Because she is essentially an exchange student, she lives with your family. Her work is restricted to child care. Don't ask her to clean the bathtub. Other restrictions on her employment are spelled out on the U.S. Department of State Web site (www.state.gov).* Day-care centers are another option. Ask for the names of a few families who you can call to ask about the quality of the care there. Check with the state to see if the center has had any regulatory violations and, if so, what they were.* Some mothers make their job taking care of children in their home. Talk to other parents who keep their children there. Make sure the home is childproofed and that the caregiver isn't trying to bring in a few extra dollars by taking in more children than she can handle.

If your children are in school, your child-care challenges will be different. Everything's fine from 9:00 A.M. to 3:00 P.M., but what do you do when the last school bell rings? Will they become latchkey kids, biding their time alone until you or your husband return from work? Or will you hire a part-time nanny or babysitter to take care of things in those hours until you return home? In our interviews with moms, we found many wanted to be home for their children or have some other responsible person around when they arrive home. The mothers felt a sense of panic worrying about what their kids might be up to.

Holidays and summer breaks are especially challenging. You might try hiring a college or responsible high school student to help out since he or she generally will be on a similar academic schedule as your child and may be looking for work during his or her breaks. In the summer, some parents send their children to summer camp. Some are day camps while other camps keep the kids overnight. Since most camps don't run all summer, some parents send their kids to more than one camp, although this can get expensive.

Whatever you choose, you need to be completely comfortable with your overall arrangement. Your effectiveness on the job will in large measure be determined by your confidence that all is well at home.

PREPARING THE KIDS.

When you go back to work no one may take it harder than your children, depending on how you handle the situation and prepare them. They may take it as a personal affront that you've decided to work over spending time with them. Given that, once you've decided you are indeed returning to work, how do you present the news to them? Moreover, how do you get them ready for this change in their lives?

The most important factor in successfully handling the situation is your own att.i.tude. Are you absolutely certain you want to go back to work? Have you made that decision and do you intend to stick with it?

"You have to be okay with the fact you're going back to work or the kids will pick up on your indecisiveness and negative feelings a.s.sociated with returning to work," says Dr. h.e.l.len Streicher, a child psychologist.

"Don't be in an emotional place where you find yourself confiding in your children, 'I hate to go back to work' or 'I'm nervous about this,' or convey this message to them with nonverbal communication, because most children are very sensitive and tuned in to their parents and will pick up on this. When they do, they might react to your negative feelings and att.i.tude by becoming regressive, emotional, or by starting to act out," she says.

Dr. Streicher notes that "a typical secondary reaction might be for your stress level or feelings of guilt about leaving your children to return to work to increase even more, which could further exacerbate your child's stress level. It can become a vicious cycle unless you know to watch for this pattern and nip it in the bud if you become aware that these dynamics are occurring."

A few mothers have no qualms whatsoever about returning to work, but these women are the exception rather than the rule. If you've cared enough to leave a job or career you enjoyed in the first place to stay home with your kids, it's unlikely that you will take the decision to return to work lightly.

So how do you deal with any mixed feelings you might be experiencing? Dr. Streicher suggests simply reframing your thinking. Rather than viewing the event as a catastrophe and staying focused on the negative ("My child will be so upset with me and be emotionally scarred for life"), instead think about the positive ("Child care can provide my child with more learning opportunities to make new friends and to develop better social skills, self-esteem, and independence. Why would I want to stand in the way?"). Also, recognize that most research has failed to show any devastating negative effects on children's overall adjustment when both parents are working outside the home in some capacity. Remember that during World War II many women had to take jobs while their husbands served the country in the military, and their children (our parents) turned out okay.

Some mothers begin the conversation with their kids about their decision not as an announcement but as a question. "What do you think about mommy going back to work?" they'll ask. This is probably not the best tack: We don't have to tell you what the answer will be nine times out of ten.

"It is neither appropriate nor healthy for parentchild dynamics to give a child (especially younger children) decision-making power about whether or not a parent should return to work outside the home," says Dr. Streicher. "This is an adult matter and it is too stressful and anxiety provoking for a child to partic.i.p.ate in this process. For example, what if a child said that she wanted the mother to return to work and things go wrong for Mom? What if she ends up feeling stressed out by her job, doesn't get along with her boss, spends more time than she antic.i.p.ated commuting, or simply hates her job? The result could be that your child may feel responsible for this bad outcome, over which she didn't actually have any control. This can lead to unhealthy self-doubt and unnecessary guilt on the child's part. On the other hand, the child's reply could be 'No, I don't want you to go back to work.' Are you then going to allow your child to dictate your decision and actually not return to work? Probably not. It would be like asking your child if he wanted vanilla or chocolate ice cream, and then giving him the opposite of what was requested. It is unfair to give your child an illusion of control then ignore his or her wishes, which sets up your child for tremendous disappointment. Finally, if you have more than one child, involving them in this type of decision-making process can be further complicated if they each have different decisions. How would you handle 'choosing' one child's decision over the other child's?"

Instead of involving your child in the decision-making process (or giving the illusion that he or she is involved), Dr. Streicher suggests making a short, simple announcement that you are going back to work and framing it in a positive manner. Expound on the positives, like the added spending money the family will have, rather than sharing any negative feelings or reservations you might have. Saying "If your daddy wasn't such a big spender, I wouldn't have to go back to work" is probably a nonstarter.

Let your children ask questions, because many of their reservations are simply a result of their fear of the unknown: Where will they be while you're at work? Who is going to tuck them in at night? Who is going to feed them dinner? Being able to calmly answer their concerns in a positive fas.h.i.+on will make a tremendous difference in how they react to the actual event.

As they ask their questions, answer them in a clear and simple manner. "Let them ask all their questions, answer only the specific questions that they ask, and allow them to lead the discussion," says Dr. Streicher. "Don't add a lot of other things into the conversation simply because you've prepared some sort of speech in advance. Meet your child where your child is thinking."

In answering their questions, try to tune in to their feelings and validate them. Telling your child, "Looks like you're scared about this" lets the child know that you're really listening and respect her feelings. If she expresses negative feelings or you detect this, ask her directly to give you some suggestions for what might help her feel better.

Dr. Streicher explains that "children are usually fairly good reporters of what they need. If the requests are reasonable, try to honor them." For example, your child might say, "I'll miss you and be sad. Can I talk to you at work?" You might be able to schedule a time to call and check in with them and what they're doing, but be very clear about the parameters of the call. Tell your child ahead of time that "I'm going to call for five minutes at noon to see how you are." If you don't make the nature of the call clear and set some boundaries, you risk dealing with your child's meltdown when you try to hang up.

If your announcement is met by threats or temper tantrums, don't be swayed because if they see that their negative behavior causes you to change your plans they will make a mental note of that and give a repeat performance every time Mom isn't doing what they want.

Also, don't wait until the last possible moment to let them in on the fact that you're returning to work.

"The s.h.i.+ft needs to be gradual," says Dr. Streicher. If they will be going to a new day-care center, take them there and show them where they will be, who they will be spending time with, and what types of activities are available. Consider spending half a day with your child at the day-care center. Similarly, if they will have a new nanny looking after them, be sure that you stay with them the first few times they are with the new person.

Also, because kids thrive on routine, make sure to detail for them exactly what their routine and your routine will be. Show them where you'll be working and discuss with them what you'll be doing.

When your child is older and in school, it is helpful to explain that your job now during the day will be to go to the office while her job is to go to school.

"Recognizing that they leave the home during the day is helpful in their gaining acceptance of the fact that you will now be doing that too," explains Dr. Streicher.

If your child has separation issues, try giving him transitional objects to help him with his anxiety during the day. For example, you might give him a small photograph of you to carry or something of yours that he knows is special to you to keep with him. In the latter case, be sure to let the child know why the item means so much to you.

On your first few days back at work, talk to your child in the morning about what fun activities she will do during the day. Remember to be cheerful and optimistic when you leave so that your child has "permission" to be excited about her "new adventures" too. Give your child a quick hug and kiss and tell her goodbye. "It is critically important that you don't hang around and create long, drawn-out good-byes. If you linger too long, it will inadvertently send the message that there is a problem," says Dr. Streicher. "And, whatever you do, don't sneak out. This can create anxiety about the potential for future 'disappearing acts' by Mom."

Once you start work, make sure to spend time with your children every day. Call it your "special time" together or "making a date" with your child. Make it the first thing on your schedule and put it ahead of other activities you wouldn't think of missing. This will send the message to your child that he is still the highest priority in your life. Also, try to do thoughtful things that let your children know that even though you're not there physically, you are thinking about them, like leaving a little note or other inexpensive surprise in their lunch boxes for them to find. Finally, bring them to work on occasion so that they can see exactly where you are and what you're doing.

When Aubrey's children were young she would take them into her office on the weekend so they could visually understand where she was when she said she was at work and they could see that there were pictures of them all over her desk. She told them they could call her anytime they needed her and she would always answer the phone because if it was important to them it was important to her. She did all this when she was working for an employer who thought family was an unfortunate waste of time.

"My boss at the time restrained how much time I could take off to go to school plays. I tried to make up for my lack of flexibility in other ways," Aubrey said.

She's now a hospital administrator and she's employed the knowledge she gained working under family-unfriendly bosses to shape her policies.

"I insist employees go to their children's school events," she said.

Another mother said the best advice she can give is to spend the first ten minutes you come home completely devoted to your children. Play with them. Talk to them. Be focused on them.

"It's amazing how smoothly my evening went when I did that," she said. "Otherwise they'd fight to get my attention, get cranky, act out."

GETTING STARTED AGAIN.

You've stayed home. You watched your baby learn to crawl, walk, and talk. Now you're moving on to the next phase of your life. What do you do?

Be realistic and give yourself at least six months to find a job. Don't stress out. Take it slow. Be methodical. It's hard to sprint from a sitting position.

Start small. Don't fall into the trap that your first job has to be your big job because you want to impress everyone who has asked you what you do for the past however many years it's been or because you feel pressure to make lots of money.

Your first job won't be your big job. Sorry to disappoint you. It'll probably be a step to the next-better job. Take that pressure off yourself and focus on getting any job that will look good on your resume or put money in your pocket.

"When you want to come back you have to be ready to totally focus and give your employer everything. Otherwise you're giving women a bad reputation," one employer we talked to said.

He said former employees of his have called him a few months before they wanted to get back into the workforce and asked for advice. He was able to tell them what skills they needed to update, and they would be on his mind whenever he heard about an opening. So far, he has directed two former employees to new jobs because they reconnected with him and gave him plenty of lead time to help them. Women can do this themselves by contacting the human resources departments at companies they'd like to work for and asking for advice.

"When you want to go back to work you need to think of it as a months to yearlong process," he said.

HOMEWORK.

Before you plunge into job hunting make sure you're employable. Get your skills updated.