Witchful Thinking Part 9

aWhen you say I died a,a she started.

aYou were attacked by someone we believe to be a Lurker,a I answered.

Klaasje seemed to be taking all of this extremely wella"based on the fact that she wasnat yelling, crying, or pa.s.sing out. She looked at Sinjin, and he gave her a smile that seemed to comfort her.

aThank you.a She glanced up at me again. aI will be forever grateful.a I nodded but before I could say anything else, Rand was back to his line of questioning. Guess he was impatient.

aDo you remember what happened in Vermont, Klaasje? Do you remember how many Lurkers attacked you?a His questions were in sync with his pacing. I wasnat sure about Klaasje but he was definitely making me nervous.

aMy housemates?a Klaasje asked. Mercedes merely shook her head. Klaasjeas eyes narrowed and she dropped her attention to the floor, looking like she was trying to summon up any strength she still possessed.

aDo you recall anything?a Mercedes added.

Klaasje was quiet for a moment or two. Then she seemed to remember what had happened to hera"her lips began to tremble and her eyes gla.s.sed over.

aThere were maybe six of them, Iam not sure. All I can remember is hearing my housemates screaming from the backyard. When I ran outside to help them, there was a a a human, I think, with incredible strength. I mean, he just lifted me up over his head and threw me to the ground. Before I could say one word, he had me pinned.a She glanced up at me. aHow could a human have pinned me?a aBecause they are descendants of vampires,a Sinjin answered as he examined his nails.

aDescendants of vampires?a Klaasje repeated. It suddenly struck me that some Underworlders didnat even know who or what Lurkers were, didnat realize the threat they presented, Klaasje being a case in point.

aThey are called Lurkers,a I said. Once I had her attention again, I continued. aTheyare basically vampires, only they can walk in the daylight and they donat drink blood.a aThat is a far cry from a vampire,a Sinjin said derisively. I almost felt like apologizing. But I didnat.

aQuite so,a Varick agreed but I merely ignored him.

aWill you reanimate my housemates?a Klaasje asked, facing me.

I glanced at Mercedes to redirect the question to her. She nodded to Klaasje. aIn time.a aCan you tell us anything else about the Lurkers, Klaasje?a Rand asked. Leave it to him to keep the conversation on track.

She glanced at him and shook her head, sighing deeply as her attention fell to her hands in her lap. She looked up again and eyed me, as if she wasnat comfortable talking to Rand. Given the fact that he was pacing the room like an expectant father, I didnat blame her for seeking attention from someone who seemed less stressed out.

aI didnat really have the chance to find out anything about them,a she said with a shrug. aI just remember hearing screaming and then running outside. I remember seeing one of my housemates dead but there were other bodies, too, people I didnat recognize. I couldnat think much on it, though, because before I knew it, I was getting a staked.a I nodded and offered her a smile of consolation. It was a huge b.u.mmer that she couldnat tell us anything more about the Lurkers, but at least it sounded like her roommates had been able to kill a few Lurkers in the process. If only we had something that belonged to thema"of course, I had to wonder if it was even possible to reanimate a Lurker.

aAnd we have nothing that could have belonged to the dead Lurkers?a I asked Mercedes, who just shook her head.

Not wanting to focus on that letdown, I decided to see if there were any other pertinent facts we could get out of this woman, anything that might help us paint a picture of what happened and how.

aHow many of you shared your house, Klaasje?a I asked.

aThere were seven of us.a aAll vampires?a I continued, feeling the heat of Randas eyes on me. I glanced up and he immediately looked away.

Returning my attention to Klaasje, I pondered the fact that the house had been full of vampires. But weres and a witch had also been killed. aDid all the attacks happen at the same time?a I asked Mercedes.

She shrugged. aAs far as we know.a I nodded and chewed on my bottom lip as I tried to piece it all togethera"trying to draw a picture of what had happened. If the Lurkers had attacked the vampires and the other creatures at the same time, it must have been ch.o.r.eographed.

aThe Lurkers must have been staking out the victims before they attacked. The whole thing was planned,a I said.

aAye,a Odran said. I had a feeling head dozed off through the majority of our meeting.

aIt could be that the point of the attack was to send a warning,a Rand added.

aWhat do you mean?a Klaasje asked, frowning.

He shrugged. aTheyave drawn a line in the sand and now itas up to us to figure out how weare going to respond.a aBefore we even contemplate our response, we must increase our numbers,a Mercedes argued. Her expression dared us to challenge her.

aWe need to finish reanimating our soldiers and then we need Bellaas,a I agreed, realizing the success of any future reanimations rested entirely with me.

Once the meeting was over and everyone disbanded, I started for the door but Randas voice stopped me from leaving.

aJolie, do you have a minute?a aSure.a I turned back to face him and watched as he approached me with a smile. aWhatas up?a He shrugged and pointed to the couch so I took a seat, watching him walk to the fireplace.

aYou havenat finished telling me exactly what happened when you traveled back in time.a And my mind suddenly went blank. Why was he asking me this? Hadnat I put a charm on him to redirect his thoughts? Why was this coming up now?

aJolie, what happened in 1878?a he asked.

aWell,a I started, searching for something to say. I couldnat admit that Iad bonded with him. Not now, not after Iad kept it from him for so long. aI healed Pelham, Rand,a I confessed.

aHealed him?a Rand repeated.

aYou said Pelham died of cholera but when I met him, he didnat seem to be ailing from that. His symptoms just didnat fit.a I paused for a second and then shook my head, wondering if this next bit would upset Rand. aI know I shouldnat have, but I healed him.a Rand shrugged and seemed unconcerned. aPelham died from cholera. I was at his bedside and I witnessed his pa.s.sing.a I shook my head as I considered it. aHow can that be?a aBecause sometimes people are meant to go. Sometimes theyave finished their lifeas mission and itas just their time.a aButa"a I started.

He took a seat, leaning against the back of the leather sofa, crossing his arms against his broad chest. aIam certain you did heal him, but later he simply came down with cholera and it killed him.a aI guess that makes sense,a I said with a nervous laugh.

aJolie, tell me how it came to be that I gave you my motheras ring.a Well, there really wasnat any way to get out of it and I wasnat about to rely on my magic to throw him off again. Maybe it would be a good thing to have the bonding discussion a aYou gave me your motheras ring because uh a um aa I took a deep breath and steadied myself. aYou gave me your motheras ring because you asked me to marry you.a Surprise lit up his eyes and I dropped my gaze to the floor for a few seconds before bringing it back to his handsome face again. aAnd I said yes.a He furrowed his brows, then nodded, seemingly not upset in the least. aDid we wed then?a aNo,a I said and a tremor of anxiety started churning in my gut until I felt like I wanted to throw up. The anxiety spiraled up my stomach, traveling north until it felt like a frog had taken up permanent residence in my throat.

aBut thereas more, I daresay?a he asked and stood up.

aRand.a I took a deep breath. aYou and I were very much in love and we a we aa Ah, spit it out, Jolie! aWe had s.e.x!a Rand took a step back as if Iad just punched him. His expression was unreadable.

aWe had s.e.x?a he repeated.

I just nodded, not sure what else I could say.

Rand took a deep breath and faced me with furrowed brows. aAnd let me guess, we bonded?a Hearing the words come from his mouth caused a flurry in my stomach. There was nothing in his eyes or demeanor that said he was angry, but there also wasnat anything that said he was happy.

aYes, Rand, it was me. Itas been me all along. I was your bond mate.a The words just sort of fell out of my mouth. My heart was hammering so hard, it echoed in my head until I couldnat hear anything beyond the pounding in my ears.

He glanced at me again with an expression of someone whoad been deceived, as if Iad just told him I wasnat who he thought I was, that all along Iad been his enemy. And the pounding in my ears was now deafening. A feeling of nausea had also taken residency in my gut.

aRand.a I took a step forward.

aNo,a he said as he held his hand up. aI a I need to wrap my head around this, Jolie.a aTalk to me, please,a I begged.

He shook his head and ran his fingers through his hair as he did whenever he was upset. aWhy canat I remember any of this?a aBecause Mathilda erased everything from your mind when I left.a He frowned at me. aWhy donat I remember Mercedes?a I gulped. I didnat know what the answer was, but I could guess. aMathilda probably had to erase anything from your mind that would in any way remind you of Mercedes or me. Maybe remembering Mercedes would remind you of me or would remind you that something was missing from your memory.a He shook his head and started for the door. Then he paused and turned to face me. aI a need some time to think about this.a aRand, talk to me,a I begged, sobs choking my throat.

He shook his head. aPlease, Jolie, just go.a Tears burned my eyes but I did as he requested and started for the door. I paused at the threshold but, realizing there wasnat anything more to say, left him to his solitude.

JOURNAL ENTRY.

Iave had a rough last couple of days, Diary, and it has everything to do with Randas reaction to our bonding news. And to make matters worse, I havenat talked to him since that night. Sure, weave seen each other, but Rand is formal and stiff, and since Mercedes is always with us I can never get any alone time with him. But thatas only part of my rough last couple of days. The other part is the fact that I actually havenat been able to reanimate anyone else since Klaasje. Itas almost like whatever ability I had is exhausted, gone. Mercedes and Rand have been patient with me but I can see the distress and worry in their eyesa"which, really, is nothing next to my own sense of foreboding. What changed? What happened between the last time I was able to perform and now? The only thing I keep returning to is that strange dream-vision I had of the devastation at Lurker hands and that empty throne. What if something happened to me when I had that vision? What if somehow, that vision was more than just a vision and it emptied me of my abilities?

Mercedes didnat seem to think that was the case but she also didnat seem to have a plausible reason as to why Iave failed in my abilities. She charmed me with a relaxation spell, something meant to release all my internal stress, but so far I donat feel as if itas done anything for me, really. I guess the true test will be when we attempt reanimations again, something that will happen in the near future. But for right now, I have some well-deserved time off.

Since my life completely sucks lately, I was actually pleased when Mercedes approached me this morning and told me we needed to start searching for my permanent home. Although I hadnat previously embraced the idea of moving away from Pelham Manor, given recent events I think itas the best freaking idea Iave heard in a long time.

What it comes down to is that I need to stand on my own two feeta"I need to step out from underneath Randas shadow and be the independent woman I know I am and the sovereign woman I have to be as Queen. I have to follow Mercedesa example and set my own personal heartache aside in order to focus on uniting our species and building a kingdom. I have a destiny, a fate, and that is what will see me through this pain and misery. What I feel in the bottom of my heart is that Rand and I wonat be able to fix things a or maybe thatas just me feeling sorry for myself, I donat know. I just canat help but wonder if maybe I was wrong all along and we arenat meant to be together. Maybe the path I am meant to walk will take me in a completely different direction, a direction away from Rand a Itas a thought that feels like acid eating me from the inside out.

Paths and destinies aside, I do think it will do me a world of good to put some distance between Rand and myself, especially if he decides he can never forgive me. He can go back to his reclusive ways and play the part of renegade and remove himself from the monarchy and I wonat have to suffer through it, living only two miles from him. Now Iall have my own s.p.a.ce and Iall be able to start a new life for myself.

So, Diary, with those feelings inside me, Christa, Mercedes, Odran (whom Mercedes asked to accompany us in order to provide protectiona"against the Lurkers, Iad imagine), and I spent the better part of the day looking at homes. Well, really, ahomesa doesnat do them justice. They were more like manor houses, castles, and mansions befitting a Queen of the Underworld. I did insist that our search should include only southern Scotland and northern England, mainly because I like this area and it feels like home. And, yes, there is still a part of me that somehow wants to be close to Rand, and the idea of living hours away from him just hurts me too much. Even if we never speak to each other again, just knowing heas somewhere nearby is enough to help see me through the long days and even longer nights.

Mercedes seemed to glom onto the idea of Scotland for my Queenly headquarters because she thought living in Scotland would be a nice way to appeal to the fairies (since Odran, the King of the fae, is Scottish). And incidentally, the fae just happen to be a huge subset of my kingdom. And of course Odran was in complete agreement. Itas also interesting to note that the fae had single-handedly provided the income required for my Queenly headquarters, the fae being the wealthiest of all creatures. Now that I think about it, I guess it made sense that Odran was in attendance while I searched for a homea"seeing as how he was basically acting as my benefactor. At first I felt weird about it, like I shouldnat accept such a large gift, but Mercedes informed me that my comforta"and more to the point my expensesa"would be the responsibility of my subjects; each faction of Underworld creatures would be responsible for gifting me my various necessities. So Iave accepted this reality because, really, I have no other choice. When in Rome, I guess. After searching for hours as far south as the Lake District in England and as far North as St. Abbs, Scotland, we eventually found the most incredibly beautiful manor home in Eyemouth in the Scottish Borders. Eyemouth is only a forty-five-minute drive from Pelham Manor so I didnat feel as if it was too far out of my comfort zone. The town itself is a traditional fis.h.i.+ng village, fairly small with very narrow streets. What struck me the most about Eyemouth, though, and what made it stand out among all the other towns we visited was the coast. The Eyemouth coastline is stunning, with high cliffs overlooking clear water and sandy coves. Everything about the village is picturesque, with buildings and harbors that just beg to be memorialized on canvas. According to our real estate agent (who couldnat stop staring at Odrana"and of course the King ate it up, prancing around like a peac.o.c.k), the Eyemouth coast also offers aexcellent opportunities for bird-watchinga and although Iave never really been into birds, I could see myself investing in a pair of binoculars.

Given my love for the town and the rocky coastline, imagine my excitement to find that the manor house we toured was just as magnificent. The house is called Kinloch Kirk and itas a decent trek from the town. It really is a study in privacy because there is not another soul around for miles, only thrushes, redwings, and blackbirds for neighbors. Kinloch Kirk is perched on a cliff overlooking the ocean. On either side the Scottish moors seem to go on for miles, the green of the gra.s.s only interrupted by lavender splashes of wild heather. I was just waiting for Heathcliff to make an appearance.

The entryway to the house isa"in one worda"spectacular. It has a cobbled drive maybe one hundred feet long, and on either side of the drive are towering pine trees bordered by endless miles of uncropped pasture. The entryway boasts double doors with a great flight of stairs leading up to them. The stairs are framed by two stone statues, one of a lion and the other of a unicorn, symbols of the United Kingdom. I have to wonder what the original owner of this magnificent house would think of a Yank living within its walls!

And the house, itself a sigh. It was first built in the early sixteen hundreds and has, through the years, been remodeled and renovated until itas now a sprawling estate. Itas three stories high and I lost count of the bedrooms and bathrooms. It would basically give Pelham Manor a run for its money and thatas really saying something.

The outside of Kinloch Kirk is white stucco, but covered in beautiful green vines that look as if theyave been there for hundreds of years (the entire house is nearly covered). Inside, youare immediately awed by the incredibly high ceilings (they must be forty feet tall in the entryway) and the great expanse of distressed-maple floors. The only interruption in the wood flooring is the kitchen and bathrooms, which are tiled in something that looks like travertine. The walls throughout Kinloch Kirk are a creamy white, all with crown molding. A tall, elegant chandelier greets guests as they enter the foyer, and opposite the room is a picture window revealing the craggy coastline of Eyemouth.

The floor-to-ceiling windows in most of the rooms give the house a great open, expansive feel. The sunlight brightens the entire s.p.a.ce, making it seem like thereas no roof to keep the suns.h.i.+ne out. And every room has magnificent views of either the rugged cliffs and the ocean beyond or the haunted Scottish moors.

Kinloch Kirk was so unbelievably picturesque; I could most definitely see myself living there. Christa was dumbstruck throughout our tour and barely said two words. She wore a perpetually open mouth in response to every room and its a.s.sociated view. Mercedes never stopped smiling and nodded every time we ventured into a new room, remarking on how much she loved the house. At the end of the tour, she was basically beaming when I said Kinloch Kirk was my favorite of all the properties wead viewed. I thought she might break into song and dance right there in the driveway.

After affirming my intentions to move forward with the property, Mercedes was quick to get the agent to call in with our offer. While the agent was busy with the task of submitting Mercedesa offer and Christa was busy with Odran, asking him about birds or something, I found the perfect opportunity to grill Mercedes.

I told her about the old woman Iad tried to reanimate under Bellaas direction who had said I wasnat a witch, but she had no clue what I was. Mercedes was quiet as I recounted my story and then she merely nodded in that mysterious way of hers and said the old woman had been correcta"Iam not a witch. But Mercedes wouldnat tell me exactly what I ama"she only admitted that Iam capable of incredible things. She was also adamant about telling me it would take time to employ all of my powers and fully understand the extent of my own abilities.

What Iave realized is, Mercedes is like watching Wheel of Fortune. Sheas willing to give me some consonants in order to figure out the d.a.m.n phrase but Iave got to pay up for the vowels. I think she delights in giving me only half of the puzzle pieces in an effort to force me to figure out the rest for myself. I know itas probably for my own good and all that c.r.a.p about teaching me to fish versus giving me a fish and blah blah blah a But sometimes I just wish someone else would finish the puzzle and show me itas really a great image of the Eiffel Tower, or whatever.

The more I think about it, the more I have to wonder if Mercedes even knows what I am. Maybe sheas just as clueless as me. Well, even though Iam not any closer to knowing exactly what I am, Iam glad I might be something more than a witch. It feels pretty cool to know youare a powerful person, capable of great things, even if Iam currently an Underworld orphan with no clear understanding of my lineage. Now if I could just get Rand to forgive mea"scratch that, talk to mea"things might start looking up.

Three days later we purchased Kinloch Kirk. Well, Mercedes did. She also hired a mult.i.tude of construction workers to fix anything that was asubpara (her word); we made plans to take possession of Kinloch in one weekas time. That was fine by me, because I couldnat get out of my butleras quarters at Pelham Manor fast enough. Rand still refused to talk to or even look at me.

Over the last three days, wead attempted to reanimate more creatures but as with my last attempt, nothing. Mercedes still didnat seem entirely concerned; or if she was, she did a good job of hiding it, instead telling me to sip some potion she concocted and to basically meditate and focus on aunblocking my negative pathways,a which she imagined were inhibiting my abilities.

Maybe in an attempt to pull attention away from the fact that I was beginning to freak out over my inability to reanimate anyone, Mercedes scheduled a lesson for me. This one was on magic, and my teacher was Mathilda.

aMercedes informed me that you are having difficulty resurrecting your gift, child?a Mathilda questioned in her clear voice.

I sighed deeply. aI donat know whatas wrong with me.a She nodded and took my hand, leading me across the manicured rose gardens of Pelham Manor.

aYou have much going on, Jolie,a she said softly. aMercedes sent me to help you through it, to coax your magic.a I smiled and accepted her outstretched hands. She closed her eyes and her lips twitched; I imagined she was chanting something to herself. When she opened her eyes, gold flecks appeared for a mere instant then melted back into hazel.

aYou are troubled, I can feel it in you,a she whispered. aTell me why.a aRand.a It was the first thought that came into my head. aHe knows I was his bond mate.a Mathilda smiled, and it suddenly occurred to me that maybe this was news to her as well. I never had gotten the whole story when it came to whether or not Mathilda remembered me from 1878.

aDid you know I was his bond mate?a I asked.

She shook her head and smiled knowingly. aNo, though I did suspect.a aBut you were the one to erase his memory of me?a Mathilda nodded slowly, as if this were a long and complicated subject that required just the right words. aI knew only that I had to help Rand through the loss of his beloved. I did not know why, or who she was. Mercedes must have imprinted those instructions upon me, and in the process I believe I erased not only Randas memories but mine as well.a I nodded, thinking her response made sense. Mercedes was a secretive person, and it seemed she did everything according to some grand plan that existed in her head. I guessed this was no different.

aAnd Randas reaction to your news?a Mathilda asked.

aHe didnat take it well.a Mathilda tightened her hold on my hands. aYou must understand, child, how difficult it was for him upon your departure. He wanted nothing more than to remember you, to preserve the memories of your time together, but little by little those memories began to eat away at his sanity. Before long he was ill, deathly so. Even though I did not have the wherewithal to understand his pain, nor for whom he lamented, I did what I was instructed to do and nursed him through the darkness, brought him to the light again. He nearly died in the process.a I felt something burst inside me and felt like I wanted to cry. Iad never heard Mathildaas side of the story before; listening to it now left me empty.

Mathilda closed her eyes again and her lips started quivering. aI can feel a block within you,a she whispered.

aA block?a She nodded, then clenched her eyes shut even more tightly as she continued moving her lips in time with her thoughts. When she opened her eyes, they were narrowed, angry. aSomeone has s.h.i.+elded you.a aI donat know what that means.a aThrough magic, someone has blocked your ability, put a stopper on your magical flow.a aButa"a I started, my thought disappearing into the air.

aHas anything out of the ordinary happened to you recently? Perhaps a stranger you came across, a dream you had?a I felt my heart rate increase. aThat vision,a I said and glanced down at her with wide eyes. aI had that bizarre vision about the Lurkers, remember?a Mathilda merely nodded. aYou believe the Lurkers possess magic aa aIam convinced of it.a aPerhaps you are correct, child. Perhaps it was their magic that dampened your abilities.a aSo how do I get my powers back? How do we reverse the s.h.i.+eld?a Mathilda smiled and stroked the surface of my hand gently. aClose your eyes and focus with me, Jolie. I cannot do this alone; you must force your magic to the forefront, allow it to overcome the block.a aWhat if I canat, what if it doesnat work? What if I have no power or magic left?a My tone increased in urgency as terror began to spiral through me.

aJolie, calm down,a Mathilda said forcefully, her lips tight. aIt is merely a block, that is all.a I nodded and closed my eyes, willing my fears to retreat. aWhat do I do?a aSummon your power, allow your magic to flow like a river throughout your body, replenis.h.i.+ng you, flowing freely through you.a I focused and imagined my magic and power building in a furious momentum against the s.h.i.+eld, pus.h.i.+ng against it, forcing it to loosen. I could feel heat rising within me as beads of perspiration broke out along my hairline. I clenched my eyes tighter and imagined the light of my power, of my magic growing brighter and stronger, overcoming the pebble of dissidence within me.

aI can feel your power building, child.a I tightened my hold on Mathildaas hands and continued my thoughts, imagined myself screaming from the very bottom of my soul, screaming out against the s.h.i.+eld, screaming out against the wall that was holding back my abilities. I could feel fury rising within me, cresting and riding the tide of my magic, building and growing until power emanated through me. Electricity sprang from my fingertips, bouncing off Mathildaas own powerful aura.

aNow, Jolie, destroy the block now.a I felt my power almost go on autopilot as it surged up within me. I imagined the flow roaring through me, busting through the s.h.i.+eld and dissolving it into a million pieces, only to consume it in a whirlwind of power.

I opened my eyes and found myself panting.

aYou did it,a Mathilda beamed up at me, her smile wide. aI do not feel the s.h.i.+eld any longer.a aThen my ability to reanimate our soldiers has returned?a I asked, winded.

aI believe so,a Mathilda said with a grin. She then dropped my hands as she started for the house again. I easily caught up with her and walked alongside, wondering if she was right.

aI feel as if a weight has been lifted off my shoulders,a I said.

aIt has.a I was quiet for a few seconds as I considered the fact that my magic lesson for the day had just been derailed. aIs Mercedes going to be upset with you that we didnat have a lesson?a Mathilda glanced up at me in surprise. aOh, but we did.a aWe did?a I repeated.

She nodded. aI just taught you how to reverse s.h.i.+elds.a aHa, two birds with one stone.a She just smiled knowingly.

Once we entered the house, I felt myself subconsciously searching for Rand. The need to see him was almost suffocating. From past experience, I expected to find him in his library, so I decided to check there first.

I hurried up the stairs, a flurry of b.u.t.terflies in my stomach as I wondered exactly what Iad say to Rand once I found him.

The library was at the far end of the hall, and I jogged the rest of the way. In my urgency I didnat even knock on the door, just threw it open, and immediately I noticed Rand sitting in one of his armchairs. He was staring into the fireplace even though there wasnat a fire. Regardless, he looked tired, as if he bore the weight of the world on his shoulders.

At my brusque intrusion, he glanced up at me and swallowed, but said nothing. I closed the door behind me, steeling my courage and begging my heartbeat to slow as I turned to face him again.

aWe need to talk,a I said in a strained voice.

aVery well,a was all he said. I approached him and thought about sitting in the chair just beside him; then I thought better of it, since I had too much nervous energy to sit. Instead I stood behind the leather armchair and held on to its stiff back, my stomach now in my throat.

aIam tired of you ignoring me,a I began.