You Can Win Part 30

It is not worthwhile to reason with a prejudiced mind; it wasn't reasoned into him so you can't reason it out. A narrow mind and a big mouth usually lead to interesting but pointless arguments.

In order to discuss, let the other person state his side of the case without interruption. Let him blow steam. Don't try to prove him wrong on every point. Never let him drag you to his level. Treat him with courtesy and respect; that will confuse him.

Regardless of the cause, the best way to diffuse the situation is to:

1. give a patient hearing.

2. not fight back or retaliate that--will confuse the other person because he was expecting a fight.

3. not expect an apology. For some people, apologizing is difficult even if they have made a mistake.

4. not make issues out of petty matters.

Discussion entails not only saying the right thing at the right time but also leaving unsaid what need not be said.

Children should be taught the art of speaking up but not talking back. As adults we should learn the art of disagreeing without being disagreeable.

The way a person handles an argument reflects their upbringing.

I learned a long time ago never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty and besides, the pig likes it.

--Cyrus Ching

Steps to Opening a Discussion

1. Be open-minded.

2. Don't be dragged into an argument.

3. Don't interrupt.

4. Listen to the other person's point of view before giving your own.

4. Ask questions to clarify. That will also set the other person thinking.

5. Don't exaggerate.

7. Be enthusiastic in convincing, not forceful.

8. Be willing to yield.

9. Be flexible on petty things but not on principles.

10. Don't make it a prestige issue.

117*11. Give your opponent a graceful way to withdraw without hurting his pride. Rejection can be hurtful.

12. Use soft words but hard arguments rather than hard words & soft arguments .

It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in an argument. His strong and bitter words only indicate a , weak cause.

During a discussion, it may be a good idea to use phrases such as:

It appears to me ...

I may be wrong ...

Another way to defuse arguments is by showing ignorance and asking questions such as:

Why do you feel that way?

Can you explain a little?

Can you be more specific?

If nothing works, it may be worthwhile to politely, gently, and with courtesy, agree to disagree.

Step 14: Don't Gossip

Remember, people who gossip with you also gossip about you in your absence.

Gossiping and lying are closely related. A gossip listens in haste and repeats at leisure. A gossip never minds his own business because he neither has a mind nor a business. A gossip is more concerned about what he overhears than what he hears. Gossip is the art of saying nothing in a way that leaves nothing unsaid.

Someone said it well: "Small people talk about other people, mediocre people talk about things, great people talk about ideas."

Gossip can lead to slander and defamation of character. People who listen to gossip are as guilty as those who do the gossiping.

A gossip usually gets caught in his own mouth trap.

Gossip has no respect for justice. It breaks hearts, it ruins lives, it is cunning and malicious. It victimizes the helpless. Gossip is hard to track down because it has no face or name. It tarnishes reputations, topples governments, wrecks marriages, ruins careers, makes the innocent cry, causes heartaches and sleepless nights. The next time you indulge in gossip, ask yourself.

Is it the truth?

Is it kind and gentle?

Is it necessary?

Am I spreading rumors?

Do I say positive things about others?

Do I enjoy and encourage others to spread rumors?

Does my conversation begin with, "Don't tell anyone?"

Can I maintain confidentiality?

118*

Refrain from indulging in gossip. Remember, small talk comes out of big mouths.

Step 15: Turn Your Promises into Commitments

What is the difference between a promise and a commitment? A promise is a statement of intent. A commitment is a promise that is going to be kept no matter what. In the no matter what, I exclude illegal and immoral things. Commitment comes out of character and leads to conviction.

Can you imagine what kind of a world it would be if no one made a commitment to one another? What would happen to relations.h.i.+ps between

spouses?

employers and employees?

parents and children?

students and teachers?

buyers and sellers?

Uncommitted relations.h.i.+ps are pretty shallow and hollow. They are a matter of convenience and are temporary. Nothing lasting has ever been created without commitment.

Commitment says, "I am predictable in the unpredictable future."

Many people confuse commitment with confinement. That really is not true. Commitment does not take away freedom; it actually gives more freedom because it gives a sense of security.

The most important commitment we ever make is to our values. That is why it is imperative to have the right value system. For example, if I committed myself to support a leader who later becomes a drug dealer, do I continue my commitment? Not at all.