The Ten Pleasures of Marriage Part 4

It is also most certain that these longing desires doth transport their imaginations from one finical thing to another: If it be in the summer, then they long for China Oranges, Sivil Lemmons, the largest Asparagus, Strawberries with wine and sugar, Cherries of all sorts, and in like manner of Plums, and these they must have their fill of: And then when they have gotten through the continuance their full satisfaction thereof; then be a.s.sured they begin to long for some great Peaches and Apric.o.c.ks; And though they be never so scarce and dear, yet the woman must not lose her longing, for the child might get a blemish by it.

If then Apples and Pears begin to grow ripe, you have the same tune to sing again; for she is possessed with a new longing desire as bad, as if it were a Quotidian Ague in all the joints of her body; and whatsoever comes new to her sight, creates in her a fresh longing. If she gets one hour curious Catherine Pears, Pippins, or Russetings, the next she hath a mind to Filberds; and then an hour or two later Wall nuts and Grapes fall into her thoughts; do what you will there's no help for it, her longing must be satisfied, let it go as it will, or cost what it will.

And this her longing leads her from one thing to another, of all what the richness of the summer, or liberality of the harvest, out of their superfluities pour down upon us. Insomuch that the good man wishes a thousand times over that he might once be rid of these terrible charges and great expence.

But alas what helps it? there's no season of the year but gives us some or other new fruits that the women have alwaies a new longing desire to. And if it be in the Winter, then they long for juicy Pomgranates, new Wine upon the must, with Chesnuts; then for Colchester Oisters; then again for Pancakes and Fritters; and indeed for a thousand several sorts of such toys and fancies as do but appear before their longing imaginations. And oftentimes it is no real longing, for that were then pardonable, but a liquorish delicate desire that they are sick of; as may be seen by those who simply imagine themselves to be with child, are alwaies talking of this and t'other dainty that they long after. And that which is worst of all, is that both they and those that are really with child, long commonly for that which is scarcest and hardest to be gotten: Yea in the very middle of winter they oftentimes long to have a Greengoose or young Chickens; which in some places are very hard to be got, and not without paying excessive dear for them.

This longing being so satisfied; immediately arises another, and nothing will serve but Meats, and several sorts of Comfits. Yea how often happens it, though it rain, snow, and is very slippery, that both the husband and the maid, if never so dark and late in the night, must trot out and fetch candied Ginger, dried Pears, Gingerbread, or some such sort of liquorish thing. And what is to be imagined, that can be cried about in the streets by day time, but her longing before hath an appet.i.te prepared for it?

Yea through an excessive eating of raw fruits, and feeding upon multiplicities of sweet-meats; to fulfill their longing; it turns to a griping of the guts and overflowing of the Gall, which again occasion Cholick, & manytimes other lamentable pains. Here is then another new work. There the Doctor must be presently fetcht, and according to what he pleases to order, either a Glister must be set, or some other Physick taken for it.

But by reason these things are not so pleasant to the good woman as the foregoing liquorish delicacies; she thinks it best that the Midwife be sent for, because she hath a great deal better knowledge touching the infirmities of women then the Doctors: Then she is fetcht, and having done the first part of her office, she gives her good comfort; and orders her to take only some of the best white Wine, simper'd up with a little Orange-peel, well sweetned with sugar, and so warm drunk up; and then anoint your self here, and you know where, with this salve; and for medicines [that are most to be found in Confectionres or Pasterers shops] you must be sure to make use of those, then your pain will quickly lessen. You must not neglect also ofttimes to eat a piece of bread and b.u.t.ter with either Caroway or Aniseed Comfits; use also Cinnamon; the first expels wind, and the second strengthens the heart; and they are both good for the woman and the child. Be sure also to drink every morning and every evening a gla.s.s of the best sack, for that strengthens the fruit of the womb, and occasions you a good quickness, &c.

Who will doubt, but that she obeys the orders of the Midwife, much better then that of the Doctors. And verily there is also a great deal of difference in the suffering, of such or uneasie fumbling at the back part; or the receiving of such pleasant and acceptable ingredients. And so much the more, when she begins to remember that Doctor Drink-fast used to tell her, that Medicins never make so good an operation, when they are at any time taken against the appet.i.te, or with an antipathy, by the Patient.

Thus you may see, approaching Father, how you are now climb'd up to a higher step of glory: Your manly deeds, make your name renowned; and your joy is so much augmented that your wife looks alwaies merrily and pleasantly upon you, for giving her content; and she now also salutes you with the most sweetest and kindest names imaginable; you must also now be her guest upon all sorts of Summer and Winter fruits, & a thousand other kinds of liquorish and most acceptable dainties.

Insomuch that although you did not come into the streets in six months, you may by the humour and actions of your wife know perfectly when Strawberries, Cherries, Apples, Pears, Nuts & Grapes, are in season. And there is no greater pleasure for your best beloved, then that she sees you eat as heartily of them as she her self doth.

Confess then unfeignedly, from the very bottom of your heart; are not these great Pleasures of marriage? And be joyfull; for this is only a beginning, the best comes at last. Know likewise, that this is but as a fore-runner of the sixth Pleasure, and will both touch you at heart, and tickle your purse much better: Yea, insomuch that the experience thereof will shew you that there is a whole mountain of pleasures to be found in the bands of Wedlock. Whereby I fear, that you will, perhaps, make a lamentable complaint, of your no sooner arriving at this happiness.

But comfort your self herewith; that the medicaments of the Doctor and Midwife, perhaps have done such a wished for operation, that you thereby may obtain many Sons and Daughters, which you may then timely admonish and instruct to that duty, so long by your self neglected, and in a manner too late to repent of.

Doubt not, but a.s.suredly beleeve, that now you are once gotten into the right road, you may easily every year see a renovation of this unspeakable pleasure; and beholding your wife oftentimes in this state; in like manner you perceive that not only your name and fame is spread abroad, but your generation also grow formidable. And this all to the glory of your relations, and joy of your dearly Beloved.

[Ill.u.s.tration: Folio 102. _Published by the Navarre Society, London._]

THE SIXTH PLEASURE.

_Care is taking for the Child and Child-bed linnen; and to provide a Midwife and Nurse._

In good truth it is very pleasant to see how the good womans Ap.r.o.n from day to day, how longer the more it rises; now all the World may plainly see you have behaved your self like a man, and every one acknowledge that you are both good for the sport. Verily this is a great pleasure! And it increases abundantly, when your wife comes to be so near her reckoning, that she feels her self quick, and begins to provide and take care for the Childs and Child-bed linnen. Then you need not fear the turning of the tide, or that a mischance will happen; wherewith all people, seeing no other issue, laugh and scoff unmeasurably; and think that the Midwife hath been greased in the fist (as it oftentimes happens) because she should say, that it was a full created child, and no collection of ill humors, or a wind-egg.

And the greatest joy is, that you have now so hoisted your top-sail, that your wife cannot any more call you a _Dry-boots_, or a _John Cannot_; which were for you such disrespectfull names, and yet for quietness sake you were forced to smother them in your breast, because you could have no witnesse for your vindication.

You are now so far exalted, that you will very speedily be saluted with the name of _Dad_ & _Pappa_; which is as pleasing and acceptable for you now, as the name of _Bridegroom_ was before.

O how happy you are! & what pleasures doth the married estate provide for you! how glad must your wife be now! how strictly she reckons the months, nay the very weeks and days! O what an unexpressible love hath she for you now! and with what imbraces and kisses she entertains you, because you have furnish'd her shop so well! Now you may perceive that the procreating of children, makes the band of wedlock much stronger, and increaseth the affections.

Now were it well time, that by death either of the good woman or the Child, that you did, by a will, seek the mortification of the disadvantagious Contract of marriage; and by that means get all there is to your self, in place of going back to her friends and relations; But, alas, she hath so much in her head at present, that there is no speaking to her about it, without being a great trouble to her: besides her sences cannot now bear it therefore you must let it alone till another time.

Do you your self but observe, & you'l quickly see that a lying-in requireth so much tr.i.m.m.i.n.g, that she hath really care enough upon her!

the Child-bed linnen alone, is a thing that would make ones head full of dizziness, it consists of so many sorts of knick-knacks; I will not so much as name all the other jinkombobs that are dependances to it.

Therefore, ought you to be so compa.s.sionate with her, as not to speak to her about any other thing; for all her mind and sences are so imploied upon that subject, that she can think upon nothing else but her down-lying. Hear but deliberately to all her lying-in, and of what belongs to it. Tis no wonder neither for there is not one of her acquaintance comes to her, either woman or maid, but they presently ask her, Well, Mistris, when do you reckon? And that is a Text then, so full of matter that there is oftentimes three or four hours preacht upon it, before any of the Auditors be weary. O that all Ministers were so happy, as to have alwaies such earnest and serious hearers. In the mean while there is no body happier than the maids, for they are then free from being the Town-talk; for at other times, the first word is, How do you like your maid? which is another Text that the women generally preach out of, and make longest sermons in.

But methinks, I should happen to fall here from the Mistris upon the Maid.

To go forward then. See how serious your dearest is, with _Jane_ the Semstress, contriving how much linnen she must buy to make all her Child-bed linnen as it ought to be! how diligently she measures the Beds, Bellibands, Navel clouts, s.h.i.+rts, and all other trincom, trancoms! and she keeps as exact an account of the ells, half ells, quarters, and lesser measures, as if she had gone seven years to school to learn casting of an account.

Let this measuring and reckoning be pleasant to you, because the charge thereof will fall costly enough for you. To morrow she goes to market, to buy two or three pieces of linnen, one whereof must be very fine, and the other a little courser. And you need not take any notice what quant.i.ty of fine small Laces she hath occasion for, by reason it might perhaps overcloud this sixth pleasure of marriage, which you now possess.

Why should you not be merry? you have now above all things a Wife to your mind; who whatsoever she imagines, desires or doth, it is alwaies accompanied with wishes. O, saies she, how glad shall I be; when all things is bought that there ought to be for the making of my Child-bed linnen. And no sooner is it bought, but then she wishes that it were made.

But this requires some time: and then you'l have reason to rejoice; for it is commonly the usual custom of the semstresses to let you go and run after them, and fop you off with lies and stories, till the time be so nigh at hand, that it will admit no longer delay.

Yet before you see that your wife hath accomplisht this desire, you'l find her very much troubled at two several causes, which will make you glad when she hath once obtained them. For these are things of importance, to wit, the making choice of a Midwife and a Nurse, because upon one depends the health and preservation of the life of the Woman; and on the other that of the Child.

Let it no waies molest or trouble you, but rather be pleasing and acceptable, if she be continually chattering at you, and desiring your advice and councell, who she shall make choice of or not; hereby you may observe, that you have a very carefull wife; and if you listen a little more narrowly, you will hear what a special care she hath for all things; then she will every day be relating to you that amongst the number of Midwives which have been recommended to her, there is not one that pleases her; for one is too young and unexperienced, another is too old and doting; a third is too big handed; a fourth hath too much talk; and the fifth drinks too much wine. To be short there is so many deficiencies in every one of them, that the good woman hath need of a learned Counsellors advice to help her to chuse the best.

And the like trouble hath she also concerning the taking of a Nurse, having already spent above a months time in examining among her kindred and relations, and other good acquaintance, how such and such nurses have behaved themselves; & she is informed that there are few to be found but have certainly some faults or other, and somtimes very great ones, for one is too s.l.u.ttish, another saunters too much, a third too lazy; another too dainty: and then again, one eats too much, and another drinks too much; one keeps company too much with the maid, and another in like manner with the good man: And such a one or such a one are the best, but they were not very handy about the hearth, to make ready some liquorish dainty things for the good woman, which is a matter of no small weight.

Behold! hath she not very great cause to be troubled: and thereout you may very well also observe how happy you are, seeing you have gotten a wife that night and day is busie and taking care of all these concerns and other affairs. Yes verily, although her big-belly be very c.u.mbersom to her, yet she must be abroad, every day from morning till evening, to take care and provide all these important things, that nothing may be wanting. Well what a carefull wife you have! how mightily she is concerned for this above all other things whatsoever!

And scarcely hath the good woman gotten these two main instruments; but she finds her self still involved in so much other business, that she hardly can tell how to do or turn her self in it; for now there wants a Groaning stool, a Screen, and a Cradle, with what belongs to it; and heaven knows what more, which have been so long neglected with the care that was taking to get a Midwife and a Nurse. Then again there wants new Hangings, a Down-bed, a Christening-cloath, silver candle sticks, a Caudle-cup, &c. that of necessity must be bought & used at the lying-in, & Gossips feast; so that the good man need not fear that his mony will grow mouldy for want of being turned too & again.

Oh were your dear wife so happy that she had once made an end of all these ponderous affairs, then all would be well: For then she could begin to give order for the making clean the house from top to bottom; and for the pressing of some curtains, Vallians and Hangings; the rubbing of Stools, Chairs and Cupboard; the scouring of the Warming-pan and Chamber-pot: And 'tis no wonder, for when the good woman lies in, then come so many busie bodies that with their glouring eyes are peeping into every hole and corner.

These things do so excessively trouble her brain; that she can hardly the whole day think upon any thing else, yea goes so near her that it oftentimes totally bereaves her of her nights rest insomuch that she is fain to ly very long abed in the morning. And if by night she happen but only to think of b.o.o.bincjo, she hath immediately such an alteration in her very intrals, that she feels here or there some or other deficiency; which comes so vehement upon her that the poor husband, though it be never so cold, must out of bed to fetch some Cinnamon and Annis-seed water, or good sack; or else some other such sort of those liquorish ingredients and then these are the princ.i.p.al keys of Musick that the whole night through are sung and plaid upon. O how happy is the good man, that he hath, from time to time, in her child-bearing, learned all these things with so much patience, which makes him now that he can the better bear with all these finical humours.

But for this again, O compa.s.sionate Ninny-hammer, you shall have not only great commendations for your patience; but the pleasure also that some of your nearest relations will come and kiss your hands, and withall tell you how happy you are that y'are almost arrived at that n.o.ble degree of being int.i.tuled Father. And then, with great respect & reverence, they desire to receive the honour, some of being your first-born childs G.o.d-fathers, and others to be G.o.d-mothers: Neither will they then be behind hand in presenting the Child with several liberal gifts, as an acknowledgement of the honour they receive, above others, in being favoured with your Gossips.h.i.+p.

Well who would not, for so much honour and respect, but now and then suffer the trouble of his wives quamish stomack with some charges to't? And more then that, you have now the best opportunity in the World, to go with your new chosen Gossips, (as you did before with your Bridemen) & chuse & taste out some of the most delicious Wine, for you must be sure to store your Cellar well, because then both the Bridemen and Bride-maids will certainly come to eat some of the long-look'd for Caudle; besides the great number of friends that will come then also to give you a visit, and with all respect wish you much joy: I will not so much as think any thing of those that will come also to the Christning and Gossips Feast.

Be joyfull with this, till such time as the t'other Pleasure begins to appear.

THE SEVENTH PLEASURE.

_The Woman falls in Labour._

Behold, young couple, hitherto a considerable deal of time is spent and pa.s.sed over, with the aforesaid Mirth and Pleasures; do not you now perceive what a vast difference is between the married or unmarried estate? You have, by provision, made your self Master of these six Pleasures; nay oftentimes before you have gotten the longd-for joy of the fourth Pleasure, appears that of the seventh very unexpectedly; for the good woman begins to look so sour, grumble, grunt and groan, that it seems as if she would go into the Garden and fetch a Babe out of the Parsley-bed.

But Uds-lid this is a great-surprizal; for a little while ago she said that she was but seventh months gone of her reckoning. How then?

should she have jested upon it? or has the good woman lost her book, and so made a false account? Yet this being the first time of her reckoning, ought the more favourably to be pa.s.sed by as long as the Trade goes forwards.

[Ill.u.s.tration: Folio 116. _Published by The Navarre Society, London._]

There's now no small alarm in the Watch. Who is there that is but near or by the hand that is not set a work! Oh, was Dorothy the Semstress, and Jane the laundress now here, what a helping hand we might have of them! Where are now the two Chair-women also, they were commonly every day about the house, and now we stand in such terrible need of them, they are not to be found? Herewith must the poor Drone, very unexpectedly, get out of bed, almost stark naked, having hardly time to put on his shoes and stockins; for the labour comes so pressing upon her, that it is nothing but, hast, hast, hast, fetch the Midwife with all possible speed, and alas, there is so many several occasions for help, that she cannot miss her maid the twinkling of an eye; neither dare she trust it to the Maids fetching, for fear she should not find the Midwives house; and she hath not shewed it her, because she made her reckoning that she had yet two months more to go.