Toaster's Handbook - LightNovelsOnl.com
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LIFE
Life's an aquatic meet--some swim, some dive, some back water, some float and the rest--sink.
I count life just a stuff To try the soul's strength on.
--_Robert Browning_.
May you live as long as you like, And have what you like as long as you live.
"Live, while you live," the epicure would say, "And seize the pleasures of the present day;"
"Live, while you live," the sacred Preacher cries, "And give to G.o.d each moment as it flies."
"Lord, in my views let both united be; I live in _pleasure_, when I live to _Thee_."
--_Philip Doddridge_.
This world that we're a-livin' in Is mighty hard to beat, For you get a thorn with every rose-- But ain't the roses sweet!
Dost thou love life? Then do not squander time, for that is the stuff life is made of.--_Benjamin Franklin_.
LISPING
"Have you lost another tooth, Bethesda?" asked auntie, who noticed an unusual lisp.
"Yes'm," replied the four-year-old, "and I limp now when I talk."
LOST AND FOUND
"I ain't losing any faith in human nature," said Uncle Eben, "but I kain't he'p noticin' dat dere's allus a heap mo' ahticles advertised 'Lost' dan dar is 'Found.'"
"What were you in for?" asked the friend.
"I found a horse."
"Found a horse? Nonsense! They wouldn't jug you for finding a horse."
"Well, but you see I found him before the owner lost him."
"Party that lost purse containing twenty dollars need worry no longer--it has been found."--_Brooklyn Life_.
A lawyer having offices in a large office building recently lost a cuff-link, one of a pair that he greatly prized. Being absolutely certain that he had dropped the link somewhere in the building he posted this notice:
"Lost. A gold cuff-link. The owner, William Ward, will deeply appreciate its immediate return."
That afternoon, on pa.s.sing the door whereon this notice was posted, what were the feelings of the lawyer to observe that appended thereto were these lines:
"The finder of the missing cuff-link would deem it a great favor if the owner would kindly lose the other link."
CHINAMAN--"You tellee me where railroad depot?"
CITIZEN--"What's the matter, John? Lost?"
CHINAMAN--"No! me here. Depot lost."
LOVE
Love is an insane desire on the part of a chump to pay a woman's board-bill for life.
MR. SLIMPURSE--"But why do you insist that our daughter should marry a man whom she does not like? You married for love, didn't you?"
MRS. SLIMPURSE--"Yes; but that is no reason why I should let our daughter make the same blunder."
MAUDE--"Jack is telling around that you are worth your weight in gold."
ETHEL--"The foolish boy. Who is he telling it to?"
MAUDE--"His creditors."
RICH MAN--"Would you love my daughter just as much if she had no money?"
SUITOR--"Why, certainly!"
RICH MAN--"That's sufficient. I don't want any idiots in this family."
