Sexually, I'm More of a Switzerland Part 5

'Scarface', 'Mad Dog', 'Pretty Boy', 'Baby Face'-if I had an underworld crime nickname it would be 'Screwed by Ex-Wife's Solicitor and Currently Sleeping in a Caravan'.152 Man, 42. Screwed by ex-wife's solicitor and currently sleeping in a caravan. Box no. 5543.

The complete list of my s.e.xual conquests: 199495-Anna; 1996-Julia, Alison; 1997-Italian girl at Karl's party, Claire (Clare?), Jessica (fingered); 1998-Anna again (big mistake), receptionist at my second temp job (possibly called Helena), Becky (I was in love but she went back to her boyfriend); 1999-Jeremy's girlfriend; 200001-Karolina (deported); 2002-woman at nightclub, woman at nightclub, woman at nightclub, woman at Stewart's barbecue, Stewart (accidental coming together of groins, the three of us were naked and very, very drunk), woman at nightclub; 200306-Evil Satanic b.i.t.c.h Wh.o.r.e; 2007-the internet. LRB-reading women to 35-don't pretend your relations.h.i.+ps have been any less incongruous and unsatisfying. Write to probably the most normal guy you'll ever see in a lonely heart advert and maybe we'll end up friends or lovers or despising each other and wincing every time we remember our awful one-night stand or maybe we'll get married or have children. Writing's a good start though. Man, 31. Box no. 3243.

If it wasn't for this column I'd be the loneliest man alive. Box no. 4335.

Week 3-Day 2. Breakfast: small piece of fruit (for example an apple), two crispbreads with one tablespoon low-fat soft cheese and one sliced tomato. Lunch: one wholemeal pita bread with a quarter small pot reduced-fat hummus and crudites, one small banana. Dinner: 47 chocolate cakes, anguish, despair, bile, hatred, a small pot of low-fat fruit yoghurt. Post-divorce comfort eater and s.e.x therapist (F, 38). Box no. 9977.

Get out. And don't come back. If these are the words that greet you upon waking every morning, why not join me-man, 51, completely incapable of realising when he's outstayed his welcome. Clinging on like s.h.i.+t to a shovel at box no. 8017.

'Your feelings towards your partner may change for the worse on Wednesday when they act in what you perceive to be an inappropriate way in the cold meats section of Waitrose153 by ordering a sliced Italian ham that you specifically didn't want for a small evening meal you're thinking of preparing for some mutual friends. Console yourself by leaving him immediately, burning all his underwear and writing to his parents to tell them he's secretly gay'. My (now ex) girlfriend's astrological reading for March 22 this year was uncannily accurate. Man, 34, WLTM woman who isn't a Virgo Rooster.154 Box no. 6678.

This ad has appeared before. Last time, though, it was funnier. And better looking. And didn't have to worry about CSA155 payments. Box no. 4322.

Just once I'd like to date a woman whose home isn't on b.i.t.c.h Island, accessible only by the Train of the d.a.m.ned156 into which is continuously piped the blood-curdling screams of her mult.i.tudinous previous victims. If you don't think that's too much to ask-and don't have a long-running tab at your local pharmacist-then write to stupid man, 43. Box no. 6544.

The last time I wrote a lonely heart advert my dog ate it and subsequently choked to death. I'm hoping for better results with this one. Woman. 38. Box no. 5435.

My resolution for 2007 was to finish my PhD, go running every day, reduce my intake of toxins, give up smoking, travel across India and the Far East, fix the hinge on the refrigerator door and make peace with my estranged father. I achieved only one of these. This year my resolution is to remember to put my trousers on every day. Man, 43. The fridge opens like a dream at box no. 5427.

'Du bist eine Maultasche'. Not, it transpires, the correct greeting when welcoming an 'art' publisher. Gullible publicity exec (F, 28) and the b.u.t.t of all the jokes with the Frankfurt 'in-crowd' seeks avuncular M to 40 with penchant for hitting enemies with sticks.157 Box no. 5400.

The Red Devils flew over this ad while I was writing it.158 Family fun day guy (divorced, 51); monster trucks, motorbike displays, St John's Ambulance and a beer tent. That's me, breaking my leg on the Marine Corps death slide of self-hatred and over-compensation at box no. 8769. I'll meet you by the face-painting stand.

MISTEAK! Spt the deliberit errers in this ad and ern 's working from home or as an editer on wan of are countrys leeding jurnels. Or else let's meet for coffee and whine about the state of modern publis.h.i.+ng for a good three hours whilst slowly getting drunk before going back to your place (my flatmate is 72 and makes pig noises in his sleep) and having clumsy, immediately regrettable s.e.x. Man, 35. Still bitter over poor career decisions made a decade ago. Hoxton. Box no. 8900.

Mid-twenties, divorced, ex-secondary school teacher. Likes the lights out, the curtains closed, Simon and Garfunkel singing 'Scarborough Fair',159 and quiet reminiscences about mother's herb garden. Would like to hear from sympathetic Christians with recipes using rock salt and dill. Box no. 7989.

Who knows what tomorrow will bring? Amateur roadkill/wild mushroom chef living the Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall dream (F, 34) is fairly certain it will be a stray cat and another night of unwanted psychedelic flashes. Thanks for nothing River Cottage. Also the A405.160 Box no. 8979.

Prevent your new-cut sweeping fringe from parting in the centre by blow-drying in the opposite direction to the way you want it to go using a flat brush. The natural parting will be gone, as will your boyfriend who perversely resents your hairstyling tips, but it will keep the hair laying flat with a nice sweep. Man, 46. Camp as custard. Box no. 0770.

This town isn't big enough for the both of us. Failed urban planner. M, 48. Didsbury.161 Box no. 9876.

"You know who you are"

All too often the companion adjective to those used by men in this column ('intelligent', 'witty', 'creative', 'funny', etc.) is 'psychopath'.162 Being remembered as the blind date who stabbed himself in the back of the hand if I carried out my threat to leave the restaurant unless the crying stopped is not a good thing. You know who you are. Woman. 40. No nutters. Box no. 6343.

This isn't a lonely heart column. It is an occult ritual that opens a gateway to h.e.l.l itself. Such is my conclusion after my only previous respondent turned out to be the Devil's h.e.l.l b.i.t.c.h with a sulphurous heart and talons for fingers. You know who you are. Subscribe not to the temptations held within. Although if you're not the Devil's h.e.l.l b.i.t.c.h and enjoy cla.s.sical music, contemporary art and theatre, why not write to finance consultant, M, 46. Whitstable. Box no. 3400.

'Good news! My favourite flavour of crisp is in production again!' If this is a sentiment you have ever expressed or conceived in adulthood, you needn't write. You know who you are. F, 32. Box no. 9091.

I suppose the end began with me paying for the meal and all the drinks. The brief relations.h.i.+p was practically over by the time he told me that he hadn't brought cash with him and could I pay for the taxi? The formal departure, however, came with his attempt to push his debit card into my mouth and tap out his pin number on my forehead after I'd asked 'do you think I'm an ATM?' (You know who you are). LRB-reading men-either you have small change always about your person or it's a long walk home back from beautiful and, until last Friday week, reasonably indifferent towards even the most stupid of men F (London, 43). Box no. 5431.

Is there a charming man out there-warm, spontaneous, knowing? If so, could you reply to all the men currently appearing in this column and give them a few pointers? Attractive, educated woman, 46, fed up of having to fake emergency phone calls to avoid pre-dessert ramblings about your sister's new conservatory and how much respect you have for Enya.163 You know who you are. Box no. 9980.

Placing this advert does not mean I have suddenly become a pervert shepherd. You know who you are. Photos of you clothed and without your collection of porcelain Napoleonic soldiers, please, or not at all to impatient woman, 34, sitting firmly atop of a hillock of normalcy. Box no. 4444.

Don't refer to your biceps as 'guns' and you may stand a chance of me not wanting to kill you at the next LRB singles night. You know who you are. F, 37. Always remembers a face and any subsequent a.s.sociations of despair. Box no. 8791.

To the guy with the wild grey hair and thin pony tail and bow-tie and white socks and chewed copy of Rimbaud164 and the lisp and excessive spittle and over-use of the word 'plat.i.tudes' and faint odour of taco meat who will no doubt reply to this advert much like he's replied to every other advert I've ever placed in here: 'eccentric' is only a favourable adjective when it's wrapped in an attractive package or earns over 200,000 a year and owns a holiday retreat in Tuscany. Other LRB-reading men should also note this. Replies from 'normals' or the stupidly rich only please to woman, 45, currently down to 37 seconds on her 'tolerance of idiots' metre. Box no. 4722.

No. You cannot show me your interpretation of what our love-making might look like if animated by Ray Harryhausen in an early Sinbad film.165 You know who you are. F, 39. Croydon. Box no. 4811.

'Lait. Oh Dieu!' Woman, 51, seeks LRB reading man to 55 whose social skills and language acquisition are somewhat in advance of those of the Wild Boy of Aveyron (you know who you are).166 Box no. 7901.

My last affair ended with a round of applause from a crew of stand-by paramedics. If the next one has to end I'll settle for a text message. Woman, 39. Seeks man who knows when to wear his Medic Alert Badge, carries his own emergency injectable adrenaline kit, and isn't too scared to say 'actually, I don't feel like lobster tonight'. You know who you are. Box no. 7942.

Woman, 36, WLTM man to 40 who doesn't try to high-five her after s.e.x. You know who you are. Box no. 7438.

Woman, 38. WLTM man to 45 who doesn't name his genitals after German chancellors. You know who you are and, no, I don't want to meet either Bismarck, Bethmann-Hollweg, or Prince Chlodwig zu Hohenlohe-Schillingsfurst, however admirable the independence he gave to secretaries of state may have been.167 Box no. 5739.

Appendix

A chronology of Miss World t.i.tle holders, 19512008

1951 Kerstin Hkansson, Sweden.

Originally called the Festival Bikini Contest and part of the 1951 Festival of Britain, the beauty pageant created by Eric Morley (Public Relations Officer of festival organisers Mecca, Ltd.) attracted so much publicity that it soon became known as 'Miss World' by the international press, prompting Morley to trademark the t.i.tle. Hkansson would, in fact, be the only winner in a bikini as future compet.i.tions switched to the one-piece bathing suit. Morley said some years later that Hkansson 'filled a bikini more perfectly than anyone I have seen, before or since, and among all the Miss World winners she ranks as just about the most delectable'. She received a cheque for 1,000 and a pearl necklace.

1952 May Louise Flodin, Sweden.

Belgian entry Anne-Marie Pauwels was disqualified after refusing to be separated from her boyfriend during the contest.

1953 Denise Perrier, France.

Runner-up Marina Papaelia (Egypt) collapsed screaming as Perrier was proclaimed Miss World. She recovered, continuing to partic.i.p.ate in subsequent news interviews and photo sessions, although, when asked by a news reporter to comment on the winner, she remarked, 'I think she stink!' Perrier, who was a convent schoolgirl prior to the contest, appeared in an uncredited role in the 1971 James Bond film Diamonds Are Forever, where she was strangled with her own swimsuit by Sean Connery before revealing the location of Ernst Stavro Blofeld 1954 Antigone Costanda, Egypt.

1955 Susana Duijm, Venezuela.

1956 Petra Schurmann, West Germany.

1957 Marita Lindahl, Finland.

1958 Penelope Coelen, South Africa.

'It's just wonderful. Just think-I was only Miss South Africa yesterday'. Penelope Coelen speaking on the telephone to reporters after winning.

1959 Corine Rottschafer, Holland.

Non-finalist Miss United States Loretta Powell accused Rottschafer of 'padding her bra'. Rottschafer disproved this after changing into a one-piece swimsuit for the measuring ceremony, which confirmed her 37-22-37 statistics. Miss Bermuda was found to be an impostor and was disqualified.

1960 Norma Cappagli, Argentina.

Cappagli was threatened with disqualification after revealing that she liked to unwind at the end of a long day of rehearsing by drinking a gla.s.s or two of Scotch whisky. She defended herself by asking 'where does it say in the rules that I can be disqualified for having a late night drink if I want one?' Fourth runner-up Judith Ann Achter (Miss United States) only came second in her national event, but was flown to London two days after the original entry, Annette Driggers, had been disqualified for being underage.

1961 Rosemarie Frankland, United Kingdom.

Frankland suffered depression and panic syndrome throughout her life and died in December 2000. It was never confirmed whether her death was a result of suicide or an accidental prescription drug overdose, although she had told a newspaper not long beforehand that 'beauty queens are dressed up and paraded down the catwalk just so some fellow can get a quick thrill. They should shove it [Miss World] in the archives and forget about it'.

1962 Catharina Lodders, Netherlands.

'I don't think I'm the most beautiful girl in the world.... I am the most beautiful girl here'. Catharina Johanna Lodders to reporters after winning.

1963 Carole Crawford, Jamaica.

1964 Ann Sydney, United Kingdom.

1965 Lesley Langley, United Kingdom.

Langley was almost dethroned after nude photos of her surfaced during her tenure as Miss World. However, because they were taken before her entry into the pageant, she was allowed to keep her t.i.tle. The same controversy and conclusion would appear again in 1969 during the reign of Eva Rueber-Staier.

1966 Reita Faria, India.

Uzor Okafor of Nigeria was disqualified because there had been no Miss Nigeria contest. The Nigerian Deputy High Commissioner in London stated 'our government does not sponsor beauty contestants'. Paquita Torres Perez of Spain withdrew from the contest because of the presence of Miss Gibraltar. She told newspapers 'as an Andalusian the British flag over the Rock offends me'. Meanwhile Priscilla Martenstyn admitted, 'I am not the real Miss Ceylon. I am a schoolgirl in London'. The real Miss Ceylon-Lorraine Roosmalecocq-was in the USA for the rival Miss Universe pageant.

1967 Madeleine Hartog Bell, Peru.

1968 Penelope Plummer, Australia.

Miss Philippines, Cecilia Amabuyok, was a novice Roman Catholic nun. At a banquet given before the Miss World contest by Britain's Variety Club, the men wolf-whistled, stamped their feet and hoisted her onto a table. She finished in fourth place. Spain's Maria Amparo Rodrigo Lorenza walked out the night before the finals when Miss Gibraltar refused to apologise for saying that she was glad Miss Spain was in the contest. Spain had declined to partic.i.p.ate in Miss World for several years due to the presence of Miss Gibraltar. On the same evening as Miss Spain's withdrawal, Lebanon's Lili Bissar was disqualified after it was discovered she was only fifteen years old.

1969 Eva Rueber-Staier, Austria.

See 1965.

1970 Jennifer Hosten, Grenada.

The 1970 contest began with a row over South Africa being allowed to enter two contestants; one white (Miss South Africa), and one black (Miss Africa South). In the evening of the event itself, Women's Liberation activists protested and threw flour at host Bob Hope. He was heckled after making s.e.xist jokes on stage ('it's been quite a cattle market-I've been back there checking calves'), then later remarked, 'anyone who would try and break up an affair as wonderful as this has got to be on some kind of dope'. The protesters were arrested and their subsequent trial was billed as 'The first Women's Lib. trial since the Suffragettes'. Argument also centred on the t.i.tle being awarded to the Miss Grenada contestant, Hosten, who won having received just two 'first' votes compared to Sweden's nine. Prime Minister of Grenada Sir Eric Gairy was on the judging panel. In 1979, Gairy was overthrown as prime minister because of charges of corruption and human rights abuses.

1971 Lucia Petterle, Brazil.

1972 Belinda Green, Australia.

1973 Marjorie Wallace, United States.

Sacked as Miss World 104 days after winning the t.i.tle because, according to the organisers, she had 'failed to fulfil the basic requirements of the job'. Elsewhere it was suggested that the real reason behind her losing the crown was her alleged statement during a public engagement, 'as Miss World I can get laid with any man I pick'.

1974 Helen Morgan, United Kingdom.

The second Welsh woman and fourth UK candidate to win the Miss World lost her t.i.tle within four days of being crowned after it was discovered she was an unmarried mother. Although this didn't break the rules of the contest (which stipulated only that contestants must be unmarried) she was forced to resign. Miss Venezuela, Alicia Rivas, said, 'In my country, a girl who has a baby without being married is regarded as a bad girl, not pure and undefiled as we are led to believe Miss World should be'.

1974 Anneline Kriel, South Africa (replacing Helen Morgan).

1975 Wilnelia Merced, Puerto Rico.

During an unscreened preliminary round in the swimsuit event, four of the French-speaking compet.i.tors (from Belgium, France, Luxembourg and Mauritius) refused to turn to be judged from behind, with Mariella Tse-Sik-Sun (Miss Mauritius) later stating, 'It is degrading for a girl to have to show her bottom to the judges. We refused to be treated like slave girls'.

1976 Cindy Breakspeare, Jamaica.

Seeing the continued indulgence of South Africa to enter a white and a black contestant (under the t.i.tles Miss South Africa and Miss Africa South respectively) as a tacit endors.e.m.e.nt of apartheid, nine contestants withdrew (India, Mauritius, Liberia, Malaysia, Philippines, Seych.e.l.les, Sri Lanka, Swaziland and Yugoslavia).

1977 Mary Stavin, Sweden.

Miss Italy, Anna Kanakis, and Miss Malta, Janice Galea, were both disqualified for being only fifteen. 'They never told me anything about it in Italy', protested Kanakis. 'I didn't know you had to be seventeen'. The protests against the presence of Miss South Africa continued, leading to South Africa being banned from competing until the end of apartheid in 1991.

1978 Silvana Rosa Suarez, Argentina.

Miss Tunisia, Malek Nemlaghi, was disqualified for refusing to take off her traditional Muslim veil and pose in a t-s.h.i.+rt and shorts. She eventually changed her mind and was reinstated.

1979 Gina Ann Swainson, Bermuda.

Miss Venezuela, Tatiana Capote, was disqualified after one of her b.r.e.a.s.t.s became exposed during a preview of the swimsuit round.

1980 Gabriella Brum, West Germany.

Brum resigned within a day of winning the t.i.tle. Her boyfriend, p.o.r.nographic film-maker Benno Bellenbaum, was accused by pageant organiser Julia Morley of 'enticing Gabriella to give up her t.i.tle'. Bellenbaum, describing himself in interviews at the time as being a 'very young fifty-two', told reporters 'I won't deny that I would be relieved in many ways if she isn't Miss World'. He added 'she wants to come home... our love is so strong and so young and we want to be together. Her home is here with me. We just love being together, staying in, cooking and reading'. Brum (who was eighteen at the time) meanwhile described the other contestants as 'a bunch of b.i.t.c.hes'. When it was suggested that she had posed nude for magazines, Bellenbaum explained 'she has posed nude only for me, not for anyone else. She's just a fun-loving girl who has never done anything wrong'.

1980 Kimberley Santos, Guam (replacing Gabriella Brum).

1981 Pilin Leon, Venezuela.

1982 Mariasela alvarez, Dominican Republic.

Miss Bermuda, Heather Ross, was charged with illegally importing cocaine valued at 200,000 into Britain. She was arrested at London's Heathrow Airport after stopping off a plane from Amsterdam, nine days after the Miss World contest in which she was unplaced. She served thirteen months of a three-year sentence. Of the winner, Miss Germany, Kerstin Paeserack, remarked 'they might as well rename the contest Miss Virgin World. All they want is a safe little virgin who will trot around visiting hospitals for them. And that is what they got. It was a farce'. Miss Italy, Raffaella del Rosario, offered 'there is something strange about her face. Her mouth is too big, and her chin sticks out'.

1983 Sarah-Jane Hutt, United Kingdom.

Miss Jamaica, Catherine Levy, boycotted the coronation ball in protest at being placed fourth. Miss Barbados, Nina McIntosh-Clarke, said of the winner, 'she was not the prettiest girl. We all think the judges were wrong'.