The Punster's Pocket-book Part 5

Q. Who were the first _gold-finders_?

A. The _t.u.r.ditani_.

Q. What part of the world is best to _feed dogs_ in?

A. _Lap-land._

Q. What prince in the world should have a _boar_ for his arms?

A. The duke of _Tusk-any_.

Q. Where do the best _corn-cutters_ live?

A. At _Leg-horn_.

Q. Why are horses with grease in their heels the best racers?

A. Because their heels are given to _running_.

Q. What is the reason that rats and mice are so much afraid of base violins and fiddles?

A. Because they are strung with _cat-gut_.

Q. If a lawyer is a whig, and pretends to be a Tory, or _vice versa_, why should his gown be stripped off?

A. Because he is guilty of _sham-party_.

Q. How many animals are concerned in the formation of the _English_ tongue?

A. According to _Buck_-anan, a great number; viz. _cat-egorical_, _dog-matical_, _crow-nological_, _flea-botomy_, _fish-ognomy_, _squirril-ity_, _rat-ification_, _mouse-olaeum_, _pus-illanimity_, _hare-editary_, _a.s.s-tronomy_, _jay-ography_, _stag-yrite_, _duck-tility_.

Q. Where were the first _hams_ made?

A. They were made in the temple of _Jupiter Hammon_, by the _Hamadryades_; one of them (if we may depend upon _Baker's_ Chronicle) was sent as a present to a gentleman in _Ham-s.h.i.+re_, of the family of the _Ham-iltons_, who immediately sent it to _Ham-ton-court_, where it was hung up by a string in the hall, by way of rarity, whence we have the English phrase _ham-strung_.

Thus did great Socrates improve the mind, By questions useful since to all mankind; For, when the purblind soul no farther saw, Than length of nose, into dark Nature's law, His method clear'd up all, enlarged the sight, And so he taught his pupils with _day-light_.

R. 8. The Rule of Interruption. Although the company be engaged in a discourse of the most serious consequence, it is and may be lawful to interrupt them with a pun. _Ex. gr._ suppose them poring over a problem in mathematics, you may, without offence, ask them 'How go _squares_ with them?' You may say too, 'That, being too intent upon those figures, they are become _cycloeid_, i. e. _sickly-eyed_; for which they are a pack of _loga-rithms_, i. e. _loggerheads_.' Vide R. 34.

R. 9. The Rule of Risibility. A man must be the first that laughs at his own pun; as _Martial_ advises:

"_Qui studet alterius risum captare lepore, Imprimis rictum contrahat ipse suum._"

"He that would move another man to laughter, Must first begin, and t'other soon comes after."

R. 10. The Rule of Retaliation obliges you, if a man makes fifty puns, to return all, or the most of them, in the same kind. As for instance: Sir W---- sent me a catalogue of Mrs. Prudence's scholars, and desired my advice as to the management of them:

Miss-Chief, the ringleader.

Miss-Advice, that spoils her face with paint.

Miss-Rule, that does every thing she is forbid.

Miss-Application, who has not done one letter in her sampler.

Miss-Belief, who cannot say the Creed yet.

Miss-Call, a perfect Billingsgate.

Miss-Fortune, that lost her grandmother's needle.

Miss-Chance, that broke her leg by romping.

Miss-Guide, that led the young misses into the dirt.

Miss-Lay'd, who left her porringer of flour and milk where the cat got at it.

Miss-Management, that let all her stockings run out at heels for want of darning.

For which I sent the following masters:

Master-Stroke, to whip them.

Master-Workman, to dress them.

Master-s.h.i.+p, to rig them.

Master-Lye, to excuse them.

Master-Wort, to purge them.

Master-Piece, to patch them.

Master-Key, to lock them up.

Master-Pock, to mortify them.

If these can't keep your ladies quiet, Pull down their courage with low diet.

Perhaps, dear sir, you'll think it cruel To feed them on plain water-gruel; But take my word, the best of breeding!

As it is plain, requires plain feeding.

_Vide Roscommon._

R. 11. The Rule of Repet.i.tion: You must never let a pun be lost, but repeat and comment upon it till every one in the company both hears and understands it; _ex. gr._ Sir, I have good wine to give you; excellent _pontack_, which I got _'pon tick_; but, sir, we must have a little _pun-talk_ over it; you take me, sir, and you, and you too, madam.--There is _pun-talk_ upon _pontack_, and _'pon tick_ too, hey.

R. 12. The Elementary Rule. Keep to your _elements_, whether you have _fish_, _fowl_, or _flesh_, for dinner: As for instance, Is not this _fish_ which Mr. _Pool_ sent me, _ex-stream_ sweet? I think it is _main_ good, what say you? O' my _sole_, I never tasted better, and I think it ought to take _plaice_ of any that _swims_: though you may _carp_ at me for saying so, I can a.s.sure you that both Dr. _Spratt_ and Dr. _Whaley_ are of my mind.--This is an excellent _fowl_, and a fit dish for _high-flyers_. Pray, sir, what is your _o-pinion_ of this _wing_? As for the _leg_, the cook ought to be _clapper-clawed_ for not roasting it enough. But, now I think of it, why should this be called the bird of Bacchus? A. Because it was dressed by your drunken cook. Not at all. You mistake the matter. Pray is it not a _grape-lover_; i. e. _grey plover_?

Are you for any of this mutton, Sir? If not, I can tell you, that you ought to be _lamb-asted_; for you must know that I have the best in the country. My _sheep_ bear away the _bell_, and I can a.s.sure you that, all _weathers_, I can treat my friends with as good _mutton_ as this: he that cannot make a meal of it, ought to have it _ram-med_ down his throat.

R. 13. The Rule of Retrospection. By this you may recall a discourse that has been past two hours, and introduce it thus: 'Sir, as you were saying two hours ago--you bought those stockings in Wales; I believe it, for they seem to be _well-chose_, i. e. _Welsh-hose_.'--'Sir, you were saying, if I mistake not, an hour or two ago, that soldiers have the speediest justice. I agree with you in that; for they are never without _red-dress_.'