The Punster's Pocket-book Part 19

BY LORD HARBOROUGH.

If _Love's_ a _flame_, as ancient poets prove, Ah, me! how _cold's_ the _fire_ of my _Love_.

ON A PAINTED FAIR.

Ye ladies who _paint_, may most safely declare, With _Horace_, that _dust_ and a _shadow_ ye are.

CURRAN'S DEFINITION OF AN EPIGRAM.

An epigram, what is it, honey?

A little poem, short and funny; About four lines in length,--not more: Then this _is_ one, for here are four.

ON A MISER NAMED MORE.

_Iron_ was his chest, _Iron_ was his door; His hand was _iron_, And his heart was _More_.

ON THE LATE JOHN KEMBLE.

_Written during the O.P. contest._

_Actor_ and _Architect_, he tries To please the critics, one and all; This bids the _private tiers_ to rise, And that the _public tears_ to fall.

MAIDS AND BACHELORS.

Old maids, in h.e.l.l, 'tis said, lead apes; It may be true--but, tarry-- They're bachelors that fill those shapes Because they did not marry.

ON SEEING A SWAGGERING VICAR AND PHYSICIAN ARM IN ARM.

How D.D. swaggers, M.D. rolls!

I dub them both a race of noddies: Old D.D. has the cure of souls, And M.D. has the care of bodies.

Between them both, what treatment rare Our souls and bodies must endure!

One has the cure without the care, And one the care without the cure.

ONE LAWYER MORE.

"Pray does one More, a lawyer, live hard by?"

"I do not know of _one_," was the reply; "But if one _less_ were living, I am sure, Mankind his absence safely might endure."

PERCY BYSHE Sh.e.l.lEY TO A SCOTCH CRITIC.

In critics this country is rich; In friends.h.i.+p and love who can match 'em: When writers are plagued with the _itch_, They hasten most kindly to _scratch_ 'em.

DAVID DOUBLE'S PEt.i.tION TO ONE OF THE INNS OF COURT.

The Society of Clement's Inn having had iron bars put up at the entrance to prevent porters, cattle, or other nuisances from coming in,--it called forth the following lines from a "_fat single gentleman_" to the princ.i.p.al and ancients.

Ye _princ.i.p.al_ and _ancient_ men, attend To one of your unfortunate fat lodgers, Whose _studies_ make him _l.u.s.ty_;--oh! befriend!

Or I shall surely call you _ancient codgers_.

'Tis true I came here, looking to _the bar_, And hop'd to have _a call_ some day unto it; But at _your entrance_ now there _many_ are, Indeed so many, that I can't get thro' it.

"_I can't get out_," as Sterne's poor starling said, Unless I ask the porter to unlock it; This must be alter'd, as I'm so well fed, Or 'gainst my _corpus_ you must strike a docket.

This may reduce me to a decent size, And let me pa.s.s your cursed bars of iron; Put up to keep us from the _London cries_, Which now your _sanctum sanctorum_ environ.

For if I can't be _taken in_, 'tis clear I cannot be _let out_; and that gives trouble.

Ye _princ.i.p.al_ and _ancient_ men, oh! hear!

And let me _pa.s.s the bar_--I'm David Double.

ON A MR. HOMER'S BANKRUPTCY.

That _Homer_ should a bankrupt be Is not so very _Odd-d'ye-see_; If it be true, as I am instructed, So _Ill-he-had_ his books conducted.

WALKING FOR LIFE.

_On a Gentleman bringing on a severe fit of illness, by an excess in walking exercise, in order to preserve his health._

Prithee cease, my good friend, to expend thus your breath; 'Tis in vain these exertions you make: And to "_walk for your life_" against sure-footed death, Is the very "_worst step you can take_!"

A SPIRIT ABOVE AND A SPIRIT BELOW.

_On a Methodist Chapel, the vaults under which were used as wine cellars_:

There's a spirit _above_ and a spirit _below_, A spirit of _joy_ and a spirit of _woe_: The spirit _above_ is a spirit _divine_; The spirit _below_ is a spirit of _wine_.

THE UPPER ROOMS AND THE OLD ROOMS, BATH.

Two musical parties to Bladud belong, To delight the _old rooms_ and the _upper_: One gives to the ladies a _supper_, no _song_; The other a _song_ and no _supper_.

ON A LEFT-HANDED WRITING-MASTER.

Though nature thee of thy _right_ hand bereft, _Right_ well thou _writest_ with the hand that's _left_.

PRINTER'S KISS.