Poems And Songs Of Robert Burns Part 68

Of Eve's first fire he has a cinder; Auld Tubalcain's fire-shool and fender; That which distinguished the gender O' Balaam's a.s.s: A broomstick o' the witch of Endor, Weel shod wi' bra.s.s.

Forbye, he'll shape you aff fu' gleg The cut of Adam's philibeg; The knife that nickit Abel's craig He'll prove you fully, It was a faulding jocteleg, Or lang-kail gullie.

But wad ye see him in his glee, For meikle glee and fun has he, Then set him down, and twa or three Gude fellows wi' him: And port, O port! s.h.i.+ne thou a wee, And Then ye'll see him!

Now, by the Pow'rs o' verse and prose!

Thou art a dainty chield, O Grose!-- Whae'er o' thee shall ill suppose, They sair misca' thee; I'd take the rascal by the nose, Wad say, "Shame fa' thee!"

Epigram On Francis Grose The Antiquary

The Devil got notice that Grose was a-dying So whip! at the summons, old Satan came flying; But when he approached where poor Francis lay moaning, And saw each bed-post with its burthen a-groaning, Astonish'd, confounded, cries Satan--"By G.o.d, I'll want him, ere I take such a d.a.m.nable load!"

The Kirk Of Scotland's Alarm

A Ballad.

Tune--"Come rouse, Brother Sportsman!"

Orthodox! orthodox, who believe in John Knox, Let me sound an alarm to your conscience: A heretic blast has been blown in the West, "That what is no sense must be nonsense,"

Orthodox! That what is no sense must be nonsense.

Doctor Mac! Doctor Mac, you should streek on a rack, To strike evil-doers wi' terror: To join Faith and Sense, upon any pretence, Was heretic, d.a.m.nable error, Doctor Mac!^1 'Twas heretic, d.a.m.nable error.

Town of Ayr! town of Ayr, it was mad, I declare, To meddle wi' mischief a-brewing,^2 Provost John^3 is still deaf to the Church's relief, And Orator Bob^4 is its ruin, Town of Ayr! Yes, Orator Bob is its ruin.

D'rymple mild! D'rymple mild, tho' your heart's like a child, And your life like the new-driven snaw, Yet that winna save you, auld Satan must have you, For preaching that three's ane an' twa, D'rymple mild!^5 For preaching that three's ane an' twa.

Rumble John! rumble John, mount the steps with a groan, Cry the book is with heresy cramm'd; Then out wi' your ladle, deal brimstone like aidle, And roar ev'ry note of the d.a.m.n'd.

Rumble John!^6 And roar ev'ry note of the d.a.m.n'd.

[Footnote 1: Dr. M'Gill, Ayr.--R.B,]

[Footnote 2: See the advertis.e.m.e.nt.--R.B.]

[Footnote 3: John Ballantine,--R.B.]

[Footnote 4: Robert Aiken.--R.B.]

[Footnote 5: Dr. Dalrymple, Ayr.--R.B.]

[Footnote 6: John Russell, Kilmarnock.--R.B.]

Simper James! simper James, leave your fair Killie dames, There's a holier chase in your view: I'll lay on your head, that the pack you'll soon lead, For puppies like you there's but few, Simper James!^7 For puppies like you there's but few.

Singet Sawnie! singet Sawnie, are ye huirdin the penny, Unconscious what evils await?

With a jump, yell, and howl, alarm ev'ry soul, For the foul thief is just at your gate.

Singet Sawnie!^8 For the foul thief is just at your gate.

Poet Willie! poet Willie, gie the Doctor a volley, Wi' your "Liberty's Chain" and your wit; O'er Pegasus' side ye ne'er laid a stride, Ye but smelt, man, the place where he sh--t.

Poet Willie!^9 Ye but smelt man, the place where he sh--t.

Barr Steenie! Barr Steenie, what mean ye, what mean ye?

If ye meddle nae mair wi' the matter, Ye may hae some pretence to havins and sense, Wi' people that ken ye nae better, Barr Steenie!^10 Wi'people that ken ye nae better.

Jamie Goose! Jamie Goose, ye made but toom roose, In hunting the wicked Lieutenant; But the Doctor's your mark, for the Lord's holy ark, He has cooper'd an' ca'd a wrang pin in't, Jamie Goose!^11 He has cooper'd an' ca'd a wrang pin in't.

Davie Bl.u.s.ter! Davie Bl.u.s.ter, for a saint ye do muster, The corps is no nice o' recruits;

[Footnote 7: James Mackinlay, Kilmarnock.--R.B.]

[Footnote 8: Alexander Moodie of Riccarton.--R.B.]

[Footnote 9: William Peebles, in Newton-upon-Ayr, a poetaster, who, among many other things, published an ode on the "Centenary of the Revolution," in which was the line: "And bound in Liberty's endering chain."--R.B.]

[Footnote 10: Stephen Young of Barr.--R.B.]

[Footnote 11: James Young, in New c.u.mnock, who had lately been foiled in an ecclesiastical prosecution against a Lieutenant Mitchel--R.B.]

Yet to worth let's be just, royal blood ye might boast, If the a.s.s were the king o' the brutes, Davie Bl.u.s.ter!^12 If the a.s.s were the king o' the brutes.

Irvine Side! Irvine Side, wi' your turkey-c.o.c.k pride Of manhood but sma' is your share: Ye've the figure, 'tis true, ev'n your foes will allow, And your friends they dare grant you nae mair, Irvine Side!^13 And your friends they dare grant you nae mair.

Muirland Jock! muirland Jock, when the Lord makes a rock, To crush common-sense for her sins; If ill-manners were wit, there's no mortal so fit To confound the poor Doctor at ance, Muirland Jock!^14 To confound the poor Doctor at ance.

Andro Gowk! Andro Gowk, ye may slander the Book, An' the Book nought the waur, let me tell ye; Tho' ye're rich, an' look big, yet, lay by hat an' wig, An' ye'll hae a calf's--had o' sma' value, Andro Gowk!^15 Ye'll hae a calf's head o' sma value.

Daddy Auld! daddy Auld, there'a a tod in the fauld, A tod meikle waur than the clerk; Tho' ye do little skaith, ye'll be in at the death, For gif ye canna bite, ye may bark, Daddy Auld!^16 Gif ye canna bite, ye may bark.

Holy Will! holy Will, there was wit in your skull, When ye pilfer'd the alms o' the poor; The timmer is scant when ye're taen for a saunt, Wha should swing in a rape for an hour, Holy Will!^17 Ye should swing in a rape for an hour.

Calvin's sons! Calvin's sons, seize your spiritual guns, Ammunition you never can need;

[Footnote 12: David Grant, Ochiltree.--R.B.]

[Footnote 13: George Smith, Galston.--R.B.]

[Footnote 14: John Shepherd Muirkirk.--R.B.]

[Footnote 15: Dr. Andrew Mitchel, Monkton.--R.B.]

[Footnote 16: William Auld, Mauchline; for the clerk, see "Holy Willie"s prayer.--R.B.]