Lords And Ladies Part 12

"Well, we wear black too," said Nanny Ogg the reasonable.

"Only 'cos it's respectable and serviceable," said Granny morosely. "Not because it's romantic. Hah. The Lords and Ladies might as well be here already."

After some eye contact, Nanny Ogg ambled across the square and met Perdita in the middle. The young would-be witch looked worried under her makeup. She held a black lace handkerchief in her hands, and was twisting it nervously.

"Morning, Mrs. Ogg," she said.

"Afternoon, Agnes."

"Um. What happens now?"

Nanny Ogg took out her pipe and scratched her ear with it.

"Dunno. Up to you, I suppose."

"Diamanda says why does it have to be here and now?"

"So's everyone can see," said Nanny Ogg. "That's the point, ain't it? Nothing hole and corner about it. Everyone's got to know who's best at witchcraft. The whole town. Everyone sees the winner win and the loser lose. That way there's no argument, eh?"

Perdita glanced toward the tavern. Granny Weatherwax had dozed off.

"Quietly confident," said Nanny Ogg, crossing her fingers behind her back.

"Um, what happens to the loser?" said Perdita.

"Nothing, really," said Nanny Ogg. "Generally she leaves the place. You can't be a witch if people've seen you beat."

"Diamanda says she doesn't want to hurt the old lady too much," said Perdita. "Just teach her a lesson."

"That's nice. Esme's a quick learner."

"Um. I wish this wasn't happening, Mrs. Ogg."

"That's nice."

"Diamanda says Mistress Weatherwax has got a very impressive stare, Mrs. Ogg."

"That's nice."

"So the test is...just staring, Mrs. Ogg."

Nanny put her pipe in her mouth.

"You mean the old first-one-to-blink-or-look-away challenge?"

"Um, yes."

"Right." Nanny thought about it, and shrugged.

"Right. But we'd better do a magic circle first. Don't want anyone else getting hurt, do we?"

"Do you mean using Skorhian Runes or the Triple Invocation octogram?" said Perdita.

Nanny Ogg put her head on one side.

"Never heard of them things, dear," she said. "I always does a magic circle like this..."

She sidled crabwise away from the fat girl, dragging one toe in the dust. She edged around in a rough circle about fifteen feet across, still dragging her boot, until she backed into Perdita.

"Sorry. There. Done it."

"That's a magic circle?" a magic circle?"

"Right. People can come to harm else. All kinds of magic zipping around the place when witches fight."

"But you didn't chant or anything anything."

"No?"

"There has to be a chant, doesn't there?"

"Dunno. Never done one."

"Oh."

"I could sing you a comic song if you likes," said Nanny helpfully.

"Um, no. Um." Perdita had never heard Nanny sing, but news gets around.

"I like your black lace hanky," said Nanny, not a bit abashed. "Very good for not showing the bogies."

Perdita stared at the circle as though hypnotized. "Um. Shall we start, then?"

"Right."

Nanny Ogg scurried back to the bench and elbowed Granny in the ribs.

"Wake up!"

Granny opened an eye.

"I weren't asleep, I was just resting me eyes."

"All you've got to do is stare her down!"

"At least she knows about the importance of the stare, then. Hah! Who does she think she is? I've been staring at people all my life!"

"Yes, that's what's bothering me-aaahh...who's Nana's little boy, then?"

The rest of the Ogg clan had arrived.

Granny Weatherwax personally disliked young Pewsey. She disliked all small children, which is why she got on with them so well. In Pewsey's case, she felt that no one should be allowed to wander around in just a vest even if they were four years old. And the child had a permanently runny nose and ought to be provided with a handkerchief or, failing that, a cork.

Nanny Ogg, on the other hand, was instant putty in the hands of any grandchild, even one as sticky as Pewsey.

"Want sweetie," growled Pewsey, in that curiously deep voice some young children have.

"Just in a moment, my duck, I'm talking to the lady," Nanny Ogg fluted.

"Want sweetie now now."

"b.u.g.g.e.r off, my precious, Nana's busy right this minute."

Pewsey pulled hard on Nanny Ogg's skirts.

"Now sweetie sweetie now now!"

Granny Weatherwax leaned down until her impressive nose was about level with Pewsey's gus.h.i.+ng one.

"If you don't go away," she said gravely, "I will personally rip your head off and fill it with snakes."

"There!" said Nanny Ogg. "There's lots of poor children in Klatch that'd be grateful grateful for a curse like that." for a curse like that."

Pewsey's little face, after a second or two of uncertainty, split into a pumpkin grin.

"Funny lady," he said.

"Tell you what," said Nanny, patting Pewsey on the head and then absentmindedly wiping her hand on her dress, "you see them young ladies on the other side of the square? They've got lots lots of sweeties." of sweeties."

Pewsey waddled off.

"That's germ warfare, that is," said Granny Weatherwax.

"Come on," said Nanny. "Our Jason's put a couple of chairs in the circle. You sure you're all right?"

"I'll do."

Perdita Nitt traipsed across the road again.

"Er...Mrs. Ogg?"

"Yes, dear?"

"Er. Diamanda says you don't understand, she says they won't be trying to outstare one another..."

Magrat was bored. She'd never been bored when she was a witch. Permanently bewildered and overworked yes yes, but not bored.

She kept telling herself it'd probably be better when she really was was queen, although she couldn't quite see how. In the meantime she wandered aimlessly through the castle's many rooms, the swis.h.i.+ng of her dress almost unheard above the background roar of the turbines of tedium: queen, although she couldn't quite see how. In the meantime she wandered aimlessly through the castle's many rooms, the swis.h.i.+ng of her dress almost unheard above the background roar of the turbines of tedium: -humdrumhumdrumhumdrum- She'd spent the whole morning trying to learn to do tapestry, because Millie a.s.sured her that's what queens did, and the sampler with its message "G.o.ds bless this Hosue" was even now lying forlornly on her chair.

In the Long Gallery were huge tapestries of ancient battles, done by previous bored regal inc.u.mbents; it was amazing how all the fighters had been persuaded to stay still long enough. And she'd looked at the many, many paintings of the queens themselves, all of them pretty, all of them well-dressed according to the fas.h.i.+on of their times, and all of them bored out of their tiny well-shaped skulls.

Finally she went back to the solar. This was the big room on top of the main tower. In theory, it was there to catch the sun. It did. It also caught the wind and the rain. It was a sort of drift net for anything the sky happened to throw.

She yanked on the bellpull that in theory summoned a servant. Nothing happened. After a couple of further pulls, and secretly glad of the exercise, she went down to the kitchen. She would have liked to spend more time there. It was always warm and there was generally someone to talk to. But n.o.bblyess obligay-queens had to live Above Stairs.

Below Stairs there was only Shawn Ogg, who was cleaning the oven of the huge iron stove and reflecting that this was no job for a military man.

"Where's everyone gone?"

Shawn leapt up, banging his head on the stove.

"Ow! Sorry, miss! Um! Everyone's...everyone's down in the square, miss. I'm only here because Mrs. s...o...b..c said she'd have my hide if I didn't get all the yuk off."

"What's happening in the square, then?"

"They say there's a couple of witches having a real set-to, miss."

"What? Not your mother and Granny Weatherwax!"

"Oh no, miss. Some new witch."

"In Lancre? A new new witch?" witch?"

"I think that's what Mum said."

"I'm going to have a look."

"Oh, I don't think that'd be a good idea, miss," said Shawn.

Magrat drew herself up regally.

"We happen to be Queen," she said. "Nearly. So you don't tell one one can't do things, or one'll have you cleaning the privies!"

"But I does does clean the privies," said Shawn, in a reasonable voice. "Even the garderobe-" clean the privies," said Shawn, in a reasonable voice. "Even the garderobe-"

"And that's that's going to go, for a start," said Magrat, shuddering. "One's going to go, for a start," said Magrat, shuddering. "One's seen seen it." it."

"Doesn't bother me, miss, it'll give me Wednesday afternoons free," said Shawn, "but what I meant was, you'll have to wait till I've gone down to the armory to fetch my horn for the fanfare."

"One won't need a fanfare, thank you very much."