Punch, or the London Charivari Part 5

OLLENDORFIAN.

(_Example of the Very Latest French Exercise._)

Our neighbour has many Colonies. The Colonies of our neighbour are very productive. Why should we not have (some) productive Colonies? The cook is more valiant than the lion. Let us send the Amba.s.sador to the bad Queen. The bad Queen has pulled the nose of the Amba.s.sador. She is very obstinate, but she is not very amiable. The soldiers, the sailors, the s.h.i.+ps, the stores, and the ammunition will soon arrive. The island has a very good soil, but not a very good climate. Why have the soldiers and the sailors not yet marched to the capital? Because the soldiers and the sailors have all got the fever. Why have they got the fever?

Because our neighbour is wicked. Does it rain like this every day? Yes, it rains every day in the wet season. Which, then, is the dry season in the island? There is no dry season in the island. It is right to live for glory. There is much glory in shooting barbarians. When the island is conquered, who will go and live in it? My tailor, my butcher, my wife's mother (the mother of my wife), and all my creditors, I hope, will go and live in it. We are not so rich as we once were. Why are we not so rich as we once were? Because we have spent all our money in trying to have big Colonies like our neighbour. If our neighbour is so wicked, why should we imitate him? He is only wicked because he has (the) big Colonies.

[Ill.u.s.tration: "ALL'S WELL!"

BRITISH LION AND RUSSIAN BEAR (_together_). "WHAT A PITY WE DIDN'T KNOW EACH OTHER BEFORE!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: POLITICS AND GALLANTRY.

_First 'Arry._ "HAY, WOT'S THIS 'ERE ROSEBERY A TORKIN' ABAAT? BLESS'D IF HE AIN'T A GOIN' TO DO AWY WITH THE LORDS!"

_Second 'Arry_ (_more of a Don Juan than a Politician_). "DO AWY WITH THE 'OLE BLOOMIN' LOT O' LORDS, IF HE LIKES, AS LONG AS HE DON'T DO AWY WITH THE LIDIES!"]

TALK a LA MODE DE LONDRES.

SCENE--_Interior of a Suburban Railway Carriage._ BROWN, JONES _and_ ROBINSON _discovered reading papers_.

_Brown._ Wonderful this war between China and j.a.pan. And all arising out of the Corea. By the way, where is the Corea?

_Jones._ Oh, close to Port Arthur. Haven't you seen the maps in the paper?

_Brown._ Yes, but they begin, so to speak, in the middle. Of course I know where the Corea is for about a hundred miles all round, but what's beyond?

_Robinson_ (_looking over the top of his paper_). I fancy Russia.

That's evidently why the Russians took such an interest in the row. You see, of course, they want an entrance into the Mediterranean from the Black Sea, and if the Corea were definitely annexed by the j.a.panese, what would become of Sebastopol?

_Brown._ Why, you are thinking of the Crimea.

_Robinson._ I suppose I am.

[_Resumes the reading of his paper._

_Jones._ But still the Russians do take an interest in the quarrel. Or rather did; for, now that the Muscovites are on such excellent terms with us, it doesn't much matter what happens.

_Brown._ Of course not. Such good taste of the CZAR to make the Prince a Colonel of the Kiel Hussars, and saying, too, that his bride was English, not German. The new Emperor thoroughly appreciates the value of an English alliance. And you see France, too, wants to join it.

_Jones._ Then that will put everything right about Egypt, Madagascar, and Afghanistan.

_Robinson_ (_emerging from his paper_). I never could see the use of the Suez Ca.n.a.l. No more could Lord Palmerston. And couldn't we get to India quite as quickly by the Pacific Railway?

_Brown_ (_doubtfully_). I think not; although, of course, it shortens the route to Australia. I fancy it wouldn't help us much with Egypt.

_Jones._ Why, the Pacific Railway is in Canada--isn't it?

_Robinson._ I suppose it is.

[_Returns to the perusal of his paper._

_Brown._ Not that the Pacific Railway isn't useful. You see, the Americans are waking up, and even proposed to intervene in the Chino-j.a.panese controversy. That shows they have abandoned the old policy of keeping themselves to themselves.

_Jones._ Of course that's impossible. You see that while we are so violently in favour of free trade, we must take an interest in transatlantic politics.

_Brown._ Yes, there is a good deal in what you say, and I suppose on account of the fall in silver we all must be careful.

_Robinson_ (_emerging from his paper_). Perhaps it is connected with bi-metallism.

[_Train enters tunnel, and in the rattle the talk subsides._

THE NOVELIST'S VADE MEc.u.m.

(_Compiled by a Publisher with strong views on the Subject._)

_Question._ Which do you prefer--a novel in three volumes, or in one single tome?

_Answer._ That is a matter that entirely depends upon terms.

_Q._ Then you are indifferent as to length?

_A._ In everything save the figures of a cheque.

_Q._ But is not Art your first consideration?

_A._ Certainly, when it leads to a substantial balance at my bankers.

_Q._ Then you write for your living?