Almost: a love story Part 33

Jess As I hit the bottom step, I hear a low rumble of voices along with my mom's higher pitched whisper. All coming from the formal dining room that adjoins our large front hall. I roll my eyes, figuring my parents must've invited people over for Sunday brunch. They always do that.

Figures. I've got tons to say and now I'll have to wait.

Worse, could they not have warned me? I'm still wearing jammies. How embarra.s.sing. Turning quickly, I move to escape back up the stairs and change, but my Mom sees me first.

"Jess. Good." Mom's face looks pinched. She also does not have the supportive, sympathy-filled look I'm expecting after our shared moment last night.

It only takes a few seconds to decipher the reason behind the att.i.tude change: Mom's holding my iPhone. From the look of the currently lit monitor, it's now completely charged. And I can tell from here she's in my text messages.

So much for the fleeting minutes when I thought I wasn't afraid of anything anymore!

My mind reels with the possibilities of what she's read. I have no idea what's on there.

If Mom has read any of the conversations between me and Gray, then she's probably seen awkward love messages he'd sent after the hospital. Messages that I haven't even seen yet!

Those aren't a big deal because they'll seem legit. They'll back up my too-fast too-soon break up story. But Holy. Who knows what madness that guy might have tried to text me last night? I'm sure he couldn't resist sending something.

Which means...if they saw those messages, then I've been scooped.

I need to read what's on that phone to get my story sorted out.

I go for a calm expression combined with a steady voice. "Oh, you found my phone. Great. Can I have it?"

"Not so fast. Your sister plugged this in for you this morning. It went so crazy with incoming messages, your dad and I thought it had been taken over by one of those virus-things."

Kika is coming down the stairs behind me, but stops on the third step from the bottom as though she's too afraid to approach. I dart her a glance. Has she told? If she has, then that changes my story even more! But if she hasn't...if she's just standing there to listen to me confess like I promised then...

My eyes are drawn to a movement by the dining room door.

Holy. What THE F-oh-no! No. No. No.

A stressed looking Coach Williams steps out of the dining room trailed by my father.

"This is just perfect," I say. "Perfect."

I push past my mom and turn to face them all in the front hallway. "Couldn't you guys at least have talked about me in front of my own face?"

Coach Williams clears his throat. "We'd only just begun. That's why we called you down."

"Does this mean we aren't having pancakes?" I ask, shaking my head at Coach Williams and working to cover the extreme anger that's threatening to blow to the surface.

Not counting Kika, these people-people I trusted-have been lying to me for years.

I speak to Kika first, deciding to play this straight. "What have you told them? What do they know?"

"I didn't tell them anything. It was your phone that started it all." Kika shrugs, her face a mask of tiredness and stress.

"Your sister refused to say anything until we woke you up," Mom says. "Coach Williams just got here. We called him because he is very well acquainted with Corey Nash." She holds up my phone. "This morning-because you were so upset last night, I read your text messages. All of them. I'm concerned, honey. From what I read, things were getting too serious. Is that why you ended things with Corey last night? Did he pressure you to do something you didn't want to do?"

"You broke up?" Kika asks, her tone hopeful.

I almost laugh. My parents still don't even know!

I risk a glance at Coach Williams. I can tell from his darting eyes, and his uncomfortable throat clearing that the guy could easily be prepared to spill it.

I'm going to need to divert him and talk first. I decide to use the typical teen tantrum to buy myself time: "My messages are private. Private! How could you have read my texts?"

Mom responds right on cue. "We've always told you girls that we'd check your texts and emails if we felt as though you'd been lying to us. And Jess, we think you're doing just that. The way Kika's been protecting you makes me sure of it."

I flick my eyes to Coach Williams. "And what about my favorite teacher?" I know he's heard the sneer in my tone. "Does he think I'm lying? What has he told you, exactly?"

"Nothing. Yet," Coach answers, confirming what I'd thought.

My dad is next. "Honey, this kid seems to be pressuring you." I roll my eyes because Dad's using the *good guy' voice. "It's obvious that this Corey's fallen for you. Which is not a bad thing. But from what your mom and I can tell, you seem to also have feelings for him. We don't think it's a good idea. For someone like you-with the past you've lived through-you're-"

"Don't say it, Dad. I know I'm a lost cause and I can't have a boyfriend but I don't need to hear it from you!"

Dad shakes his head. "No. That's not what I mean. Let me finish."

I meet his gaze and shrug.

Dad continues, "For someone who's been through what you've been through, you've got to really be careful and honest with your boyfriend as you go along. Maybe you haven't actually lied to us, but you've kept some information from us. And Mom and I hope you haven't done the same with your boyfriend. I called Coach last week and asked him a few questions about this Corey Nash and he told me Corey was a nice kid, so that's good."

"You did what!? You were trying to get the scoop without just asking me? Dad!"

Dad shrugs. "You've been pretty evasive. I only called Coach to ask his opinion on the guy. I was curious."

"About Corey Nash?" I say, almost laughing. I risk some guarded eye contact with Coach Williams. "They called you, about Corey? And you knew what you knew-but you didn't tell the whole story? Why not?"

Coach speaks to me as though the others aren't in the room. "He wanted the chance to tell you first. Told me he loves you. Said he wanted to tell you so he'd be there to catch you if you freaked out and fell off the deep end. He didn't want you to find out alone or from anyone else. And most importantly, without him there to help you."

"Oh I freaked out. And then I fell, Coach. Major. And n.o.body caught me or helped me. Not my boyfriend, and not my parents-that's for sure."

I dart an accusing look at Dad. "I fell hard. Crashed and burned, if you want the report straight from the lips of your crazy daughter."

I feel tears welling into my eyes as I remember Gray's hands dropping to his sides as I screamed for him not to touch me. Is that what he'd been doing? Trying to catch me? I push all thoughts of him being anything but my enemy away. I can't think of him. Not now.

Dad's turning all purple and he's shouting at the top of his lungs. "What does that mean? Coach, what is there to tell? Someone say something that makes sense. What in the h.e.l.l is going on here? Jess, start talking-your mother and I have already a.s.sumed the worst."

I pace into the front door alcove and look out at our lawn.

"Fine. I've been lying to you all summer," I say.

"I knew it," says Mom.

I turn. They're all waiting, arms crossed like a jury that's already found me guilty.

Well-I'm about to flip it. This is my trial, not theirs.

A whisper is all I can muster for my first accusation, "You've been lying to me too."

Coach Williams s.h.i.+fts his feet. My dad looks away. Mom's blinking really fast.

I move closer and muster more courage, more decibels for my voice. "Dad...what have you a.s.sumed would be the worst? Between me an my boyfriend-what's the absolute worst that I could do?"

I can tell Dad's p.i.s.sed but trying to keep it together. He humors me with an answer. "My worst, Jess, would be that your Corey is some sort of player who's taken advantage of you. I read the guy's over-the-top declarations of texted-love. And, frankly, I'm suspicious as h.e.l.l. You say you've broken up with him; but his last two messages were sent less than an hour ago. And he's been apologizing for how much he hurt you since last night? Did that kid hurt you?"

My heart twists. And I can't speak. Think. Breathe.

Did Gray hurt me? Did he ever really hurt me? Never. Not once. I think it's been the opposite.

I imagine Gray's gentle smile. The endless concern for me in his eyes. Even before I'd proposed the stupid contract. How he'd thought he was waking me up so I wouldn't miss the interview-even though he knew exactly who I was.

And yesterday, his hands were so gentle. And his lips. Soft and urgent, but so careful against mine in the Fairy Grotto. Then the pain in his eyes as I screamed in his face. Told him I hated him.

I hurt him. Not the other way around.

It's all I can do not to cry.

I solidify my expression into my default bored look and concentrate on breathing.

Dad shakes his head at me. He's annoyed because he thinks I'm not responding to him on purpose. And as usual. I want to tell him it's not that, I simply can't open my mouth right now or air will hit the back of my throat...and then we'll never get to finish this conversation.

Dad tosses a glance at Coach Williams. "Coach will confer that high school guys are scammers. You know what I mean. My worst, Jess, is that you've fallen for this silver-tongued devil. And you don't want us to know how far things have gone. If he hurt you then I'll-"

"Stop. Dad. I'm a senior. Not a middle-school kid." I've got control of my tears now, and I realize I'm blus.h.i.+ng. "This type of parent-speech is way too late for," I pause and nail Dad with my best glare, "-someone totally messed up like me."

"Jess, don't you speak to your father like that. Answer our questions," Mom yells.

I shake my head. "What's the question? Holy! Are you and Dad actually asking me if I've slept with this guy? We're going to talk about how many bases I've been to, in front of Kika and Coach Williams?" I bark out a laugh. "I suppose it's fitting that Coach knows the details of my summer make-out session. Because he knows all my other exploits, don't you Coach? Why not the new ones?"

"Jessica. You are out of line," Dad says.

"Am I?" I turn to Mom whose face has opened up in shock, like she's registering what I've just said. I press on. "Let's just get one thing straight before we continue. My boyfriend treating me badly, or pressuring me, is the least of your worries."

I hold Coach's gaze next. "My boyfriend never even tried to kiss me until last night. And I had to make the first move to get him to do it. Which didn't go so very well because all he wanted to do was talk! Talk, talk, talk!" I fling my arms up in the air. "The talking part, not the kissing part, is why he's now my ex-boyfriend."

"What?" Dad's sputtering so badly now, I almost feel sorry for the guy.

I continue. "I fell asleep in the car on the way home; and I had my nightmare. But this time-it was not a foggy dream. It was minute by minute. I remember everything. Like it happened yesterday." I cross my arms and look around the room. "And I know that you lied to me. All of you!"

"Oh, Jess. We didn't lie!" Mom gasps.

I have to work to keep my face straight because I want to crumble. Have the world's biggest tantrum and hate them all. But I don't do any of that.

I'm trying to fill up my emptiness with something-with someone new.

I want to be the girl who's done hiding her feelings and lying and being lied to.

When I speak again, my voice is calm and resigned. "I'm kind of hungry, but before we eat, let's all just take a moment to fill each other in on the truth for once, shall we? Who wants to start? Mom? Dad?"

Neither parent seems to be able to meet my gaze. "Coach? Kika? Or should I carry on?"

"I'll start." Kika sniffles. "Jess isn't dating Corey Nash. She's dating a black haired, green eyed, tall guy. A guy named Gray Porter. Corey Nash is Gray's best friend and he's dating a girl called Mich.e.l.le," Kika chokes out.

Mom's put her hand on her heart and her eyes have gone wild with worry and disbelief. "Gray Porter? Gray Porter!! That's the guy on the text messages? Impossible. Tell me it's impossible." She paces across the entryway toward me. I avoid her and her probing gaze by crossing to the opposite side.

"It's no wonder you've had such a huge relapse," Dad adds.

"You knew my nightmares had returned?" I ask, incredulous.

Dad nods. "You'd said you wanted us to back off. We were trying to respect your privacy. Waiting until you came to us. A mistake, obviously."

"You seemed so happy in all other aspects of the summer. We thought you were learning how to work through things on your own-" Mom starts.

Kika starts crying. "I thought I was the only one who knew. Why didn't you guys tell me you knew? I was so worried about Jess."

"You kissed Gray Porter, yesterday?" Dad's ramping up again, his arms are flinging around like he's some sort of octopus. "That little punk! Gray Porter? Holy s.h.i.+t." His eyes go wild and he looks at Coach. "I'll murder him."

"I won't let you," Coach shouts. "Gray had Jess's best interests at heart. And he does love her. I believe him."

"He's seventeen. What does that kid know about love? Jess is not allowed to be in love with that kid. And you-YOU KNEW!" Dad moves before anyone understands what he's doing.

He shoves Coach Williams by the neck until he's pressed up against the wall. One of our family photos tips to the side and then slides down with a crash. "You knew who Jess was dating when I called you the other day? I'll murder that kid, but first I'll kill you right here!"

Dad slams Coach into the wall again, and Coach Williams pushes back. Hard.

Dad goes flying clear across the entryway, but starts back toward Coach like he really does mean to kill him!

"Daddy!" Kika screams, hysterical now.

"Stop. Stop. Stop!" I shout. "You're all acting crazy."

Dad trips and falls with a thump at the foot of the staircase. He makes no move to get up just shakes his head and stares at me. "What the h.e.l.l? Jess-did you really date Gray Porter all summer?"

"Dad. It's not what you think. I paid him to date me. I didn't know who he was on that level. He never told me. I met him at the interview. I offered to help him get the paid interns.h.i.+p if he agreed to be my summer boyfriend. You and Mom wanted me to prove I was *better' only I wasn't better at all. Gray needed the money. He didn't hurt me. He didn't hurt me once."

My heart hurts as I walk to sit next to my dad. "He tried to be my friend. He even tried to give me back my money, long before he ever tried to kiss me. He's good. He's honorable. I'm the one who sucks. He tried to tell me everything. I wouldn't listen."

"That kid promised to never approach you or speak to you again! What in the h.e.l.l was he doing trying to tell you anything?" Dad's eyes are filling with tears. If he cries in front of me I'm going to lose it.

"Why would you make such an agreement with anyone?" Mom interjects, voice shaking.

I glance at her. "Why would you make Gray Porter promise not to speak to me? Why would you and Dad hide the details of what happened to me three years ago? You gave me no names. Why did you and Dad not let me be tested for drugs in my system? That guy put something in my drink and you knew it."

"Jess...it was a complicated decision. We had so many reasons not to pursue prosecution. We wanted to protect you," Mom says.

"Well I had reasons for what I did too. I want to go college. I thought if I could pull off what appeared to be a *normal summer' including a boyfriend, then you guys would back off, stop the helicopter parenting, and let me go. I want some sort of life, messed up or not, I want to move on."