Almost: a love story Part 23

I stand, but stumble a bit.

"Whoa. Are you steady enough?" His voice sounds different-stiff. Awkward. He's probably embarra.s.sed too. This time, he doesn't move to catch me.

"Fine. I'm fine." Cold slams into my back. Gray and I both stare at the goose b.u.mps on my arms-like we can't look anywhere else. It's making the humiliation of what Gray just witnessed-how I'd behaved-even harder to bear.

I step away from the bed and try to read his expression through my lashes, but his eyes are unreadable as usual. Had he seemed almost relieved when I'd moved away? I'll make it easy for him-for both of us. I cross my arms over my stomach and choose my coldest tone. "If you don't mind. I'd like to go home. I can still make curfew." I pretend to study the clock.

"Jess. You promised we could talk. Gran's getting tea."

"You're delusional if you think we're going to have some chatty tea party right now." I suppress a s.h.i.+ver and met his gaze. "I'm tired and I absolutely don't want to talk. Not about this, or us, or anything."

"Well, what if I do?" He's hurt. I can tell.

"I'm the one in charge of this." I fling my arms wide. "Of how us, progresses. It's in the contract, remember?"

"I know you've just been through h.e.l.l, but that gives you no excuse to suddenly act like some sort of evil dictator." Gray stands as well, and his eyes are snapping. His voice has lost its carefulness. Good. This will be easier on both of us if he's p.i.s.sed off.

"The correct term for me is: boss," I reply. My own anger is building and giving me strength. Gray doesn't need to know that I'm mad at myself, not at him. Any anger will work. "Our friends.h.i.+p, or whatever it is between us, is over. I can't do it. Not after tonight. I'm sure you'll agree one of us doesn't have enough marbles to balance the load. Friends should be give and take. I only have enough to take."

"You're just upset. Of course we're still friends. You'll calm down and we'll talk. If not today, tomorrow."

"No. I've talked my a.s.s off in therapy for three years. It never helped. Why in the world do you think me, talking to you, is going to make me or what happened in this room any different, or better? "

"I'm not trying to make it better I'm-"

I don't let him finish. "Newsflash. I pull this same freak show once or twice a week. Sometimes more. I'm sorry if it surprised you, and I'm sorry if I'm hurting your feelings, but I can't, won't be your friend anymore."

"But-"

"No, buts. We only have to survive three more weeks plus working the DigiToyTech conference. Then I'll break up with you in front of everyone, as written. I'm cutting out all other extra hanging out, including my time at the complex. You should be happy to have some of your life back."

"What will I tell Mich.e.l.le and Corey? What will you tell your parents?"

"How about we both just tell them the truth. I'm sick. Sick and tired. Really tired. It's the truth, let's try to use it to our advantage. My parents will believe me as long as you keep texting me to string them along. I'll send myself some flowers once... or maybe twice. And then, I'll see you on the weekends. That leaves only two *dates' until the tradeshow. In the meantime, I need s.p.a.ce."

"s.p.a.ce?" Gray crosses his arms and yells, "What about the interns.h.i.+p and all of the work days ahead? Are we not supposed to talk during that? What about the fact that we're building the ten-zillion LightSticks together in the same room next week? We're a team. We're supposed to man the tradeshow booth together. We have fun together. We are friends, no matter what just happened, no matter what you say! You can't just turn me off like you've flipped a switch. This is just a front. I won't let you get away with it. It's not fair."

I don't yell back. There's no point. "You don't have a choice. It takes two people to be friends. It was a mistake for me to mislead you. I just thought...." I sigh and look away. "I forgot that there are some things I can't handle. Friends are exhausting. I'm sorry. I take the blame for hurting you. Shouldn't have tried."

"Don't say that. You don't owe me any apology. Ever." His voice has also lost its fight. Gray walks to the window and stares out. When he speaks again he's so quiet I'm not sure if he's talking to me or to himself. "I'm not a puppet, you know. I don't know if I can do what you want anymore. Maybe we should end our contract right now."

"Please." I walk over and look into his eyes. "Don't blow it all now because I'm finally being honest-because you finally believe me about the crazy stuff. I'll figure out a way to make it so it's not awkward at work. If I can't, then I'll quit the interns.h.i.+p-if that makes this easier on you."

"What?! Easier on me?!" He turns red. I can read that he's truly upset but I don't know why. I'm offering back flips and a red carpet exit. What does he want from me?

"Don't quit. Don't do this...Jess." He's lowered his voice into that voice, and he moves toward me.

b.u.t.terflies whisper down my spine and flood my head.

I'm ready. Every step he takes, I make sure to back away one.

He stops when he realizes what I'm doing. My next step will have me exiting his room. I murder the b.u.t.terflies, and take on his green-gold gaze as though I'm suddenly at war with him. Because I am. I layer on my coldest glare. "Back the h.e.l.l off. I'm serious."

"You won't mean any of this tomorrow. You're still wrapped up in your nightmare. You could try. We...could try? C'mon. So what? So you had a bad dream in front of me. Jess we are friends..."

I shrug, but his earnest expression almost crumbles me. I allow my gaze to travel over him, memorizing each line of his face. I'm thankful he can't see inside my mind right now. The terrible images of him inside my nightmare still float there, threatening to resurface. That alone is strengthening my resolve. If he's in my nightmare again, it will completely destroy me. I need to make him understand this is life or death. If only Gray Porter had never wandered into my dreams.

Including the good, waking ones.

I want to let him hold me again-to fling myself at his chest and cry in his arms. Try to explain. But none of that was real. And he knows it too.

My heart wrenches as a new round of s.h.i.+vers return. The goose b.u.mps increase and I wonder if I'll ever be warm again. "I will not change my mind," I say, finally swallowing the huge lump in the back of my throat. "Can't you see...I did try, and..." I bore my gaze into his and tell him the truth. "It's hurting me. Inside and out...please. You don't understand how much."

He sighs heavily, and he looks at me like what I've been saying has finally sunk in. "I-yeah. Okay. Okay. Hurting you in any way-it's the last thing I want." He runs a hand through his hair and meets my gaze dead on. "Tell me exactly what you expect, and I'll deliver. What do you want? Need. Just say it."

I want you. I want it all to be real. I want to be someone else.

Somehow, I answer in a steady voice. "I want to complete the contract. I know you're honorable enough not to blow that off as long as the paychecks keep coming. I want us-I want you-to stay away from me unless we're out in public."

"You're seriously not going to ever let me talk to you about this-about what happened here tonight?"

I shake my head. His eyes grow dark and he looks away. I continue to press it home. "This is not about you. It's for my personal survival. Despite what you witnessed, I still think I deserve the chance to follow my dreams for college, and so do you. The contract will get us both what we want. Let's just stay focused on that. Everything else muddies our goals. You have to admit that's true."

"Okay. I'll do anything." He looks lost. Deflated. Resigned. But it seems he's not angry at me anymore. That's something, at least.

I answer sincerely, "If you mean that, truly, then take me home so I don't get in trouble with my parents for being late. If I'm grounded from my boyfriend then I'll miss more normal teen activity and that will delay my progress. Okay?"

"Fine," he says.

"Fine."

Chapter Twenty-Four.

Gray I throw LightStick number five thousand and save-me-from-this-plastic-c.r.a.p into the box with complete disgust, drawing a look from Percy-from-s.h.i.+pping.

Percy-from-s.h.i.+pping is my newly a.s.signed work partner. He's twenty-two and a high school drop out. He's been filling in for Jess since Monday.

Monday. The day Jess officially ditched me. Monday was a bad day.

It's been three days since I've seen Jess. Of course the girl hasn't returned even one of my texts or phone calls. Not one. Because Jess is sick and tired.

Sick and tired. That's what I'd told Mich.e.l.le and Corey to explain her absence at the rink. That's what I told my Grandmother when she caught me moping around.

I, of course, left off the part where she's sick and tired of me.

"Eff-ing three days with eff-ing Percy-from-s.h.i.+pping," I mutter as I a.s.semble the next LightStick, remembering just how easily Jess had shut me down and pushed me away on all levels.

She'd also fully abandoned me here in Geekstuff.com's plastic sweatshop. Alone.

Percy starts whistling, "This old man...he played one...he played knick-knack on my thumb."

Worse than alone.

Apparently, Jess had begged Mr. Foley to have a week on the back end of things.

He told me the whole story. Said he just couldn't deny such a motivated and heart-felt request. He'd sent her straight to study the order fulfillment and call center processes without question. He asked me if I minded first. I told Mr. Foley what he wanted to hear.

That I didn't mind at all.

I about cracked a molar faking that answer and keeping my face straight. I have no idea how Jess has any teeth left in her mouth after the manipulation acts she puts on every day. The girl didn't lie about one fact, though.

Faking that you're happy and everything is *super-awesome' takes way too much energy. I've never felt more exhausted in my whole life.

I glare at Percy's back. We're each a.s.sembling our own tables of LightStick parts. "At least you don't have to stop for narcoleptic naps," I say.

"What? Narcoleptic? What's that?" Percy looks up.

"Nothing. I was saying that we will probably be done with these by Friday? Don't you think?"

"If we're being optimistic. It's a possibility." Percy eyes the piles of yet to be a.s.sembled toy parts and shakes his head. "I'm sort of regretting my trade out. I never thought I'd admit to missing my cardboard boxes and computer after only three days away from s.h.i.+pping."

"Three days! F-ing three days! G.o.d!" I throw another LightStick, green this time, into the box. "At least you didn't have to do the ladybugs and frogs."

I jam the next topper, blue this time, on so hard it almost cracks. To test it, I push the on b.u.t.ton once, and pause a moment to study the completed product. When lit, the blue version has the exact same hue of Jess's eyes. "The stupid blue ones p.i.s.s me off."

I toss it away from me into the box near Percy-from-s.h.i.+pping.

"I refuse to do any more of that color. Are you okay with that, dude?" I shout. "I'm off the blues."

Percy shoots me an alarmed look. "No problem. I suppose I hate the red ones. You do the reds, I'll do the blues?" His voice sounds cautious, like he's humoring me.

"Deal," I say, trying to calm down. Percy isn't such a bad guy.

Tuesday, he'd actually been kind of fun. Tuesday had been the day I'd convinced myself to stop being p.i.s.sed off and agree that Jess's plan to totally ignore me was the only plan that made sense. I'd actually made myself believe that too. It is her contract. They're her nightmares. Tuesday I told myself I should simply be grateful and walk away. I know for a fact, that after the interviews had taken place, this would have been her interns.h.i.+p, not mine. Tuesday, I'd told myself I was lucky to still be getting paid.

"Stupid Tuesday," I mutter, throwing another LightStick. "But today is suck-a.s.s Wednesday, isn't it? Percy-from-s.h.i.+pping. It's Wednesday today, isn't it?" I'm shouting louder now.

Percy darts me another look. "Dude. Maybe you should take a break."

"I'm just fed up. Fed up! What about what I want?" I yell again, hardly registering what Percy just said. I fling another completed LightStick into the box like it's a missile, wis.h.i.+ng it would explode.

"Porter. You're freaking me out. Are you some sort of mental case?" Percy backs away from the works.p.a.ce.

"Sorry." I shake my head as I pick up another LightStick. I decide to just tell him my deal. Percy-from-s.h.i.+pping likes it when I want to talk. "I know I'm acting crazy but, I'm in love with this girl. Major love. And I have no idea what to do about it, so it's messing with my sanity."

Percy lets out a long breath as he walks back to his table. "Ah. That explains it. You've been sketching me out all morning. Love, huh? Poor b.a.s.t.a.r.d. Have you told her?"

"No. I'm planning to, though. That's why I'm all agitated. I have no idea how to do it."

"Just man up. We all have to put our hearts in the fire to get the ladies. No danger-no dates."

"We're already dating. Sort of dating. Only, I think she broke up with me last week."

"Ah. Was it the let's-be-friends scenario? Brutal. Like anyone wants a friend over a girlfriend. Girls suck with that line."

"I don't even rate the friend option. She's just done with me. Won't even try."

"Sorry kid. But on the flip side, if she's on that trip, then there's nothing left for you to lose. Play the wild card and make a fool out of yourself. See what happens. It's not like she can double-un-friend you."

"It's not that simple. I've got so much s.h.i.+t I need to come clean about. Once she knows my deal, there's the chance she might never talk to me again."

"Holy s.h.i.+t. Did you sleep with her best friend or cousin or something?"

"h.e.l.l no! Nothing like that." I laugh.

He shrugs. "Then you're good." Percy tosses his next LightStick into the box extra hard along with me. "Women. They mess us all up."

I spin one of the LightSticks in the air. "The girl is going to cost me a ton of money too."

"Money? Don't they all cost money?"

"I'm going to lose out on four thousand dollars. I'll possibly have to delay my college start date to make things right too."

Percy lets out a long, low whistle. "And if she still rejects you? Is she worth risking that much?"

"More. So much more."

"Dude, you're pathetic. And you're toast. You know that, right?"

"Yeah. I know."

Chapter Twenty-Five.

Jess I snap open my eyes when the tapping starts on my side window. I haven't been able to sleep anyhow. That's mostly because when I pulled in, Gray had been parked nearby, reading in his car. Pretending to read, that is.

All this time, I've been pretending to sleep, so there! I can't believe he waited this long.