Almost: a love story Part 11

C'mon. Dude. Let's get out of here.

What've you done? You're an a.s.shole.

Nothing. Nothing happened. I didn't do anything. I swear she wanted this.

Wait. Please. Please. Don't leave me here.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry...I can't untie the knot...

It's not her fault. Jess, none of this is your fault.

But it is. I believed him when he called me beautiful.

Nothing happened. Not really.

I'm so sorry.

You're a lucky, lucky girl.

I'm covered in a fine sheen of sweat, about to vomit, but grateful to be awake.

When I sleep through the nightmare-when I make it to the part where my parents are standing around me and I'm in a hospital bed-then everyone in the house hears me crying in my sleep.

Everyone except me, that is.

I'd almost been to that point. I strain to listen for any footsteps or sounds that might alert me to my parents lurking in the hallway. The towel is still in place where I'd stuffed it under the door to block out any sounds I might make, so that means no one peeked in here either. Thankfully all is silent save for my racing heart. I allow the fear and voices crawling through every inch of my soul to wash over me so the rest of it can play out as quickly as possible.

As the spinning stops, I stare at my jellyfish lamp and count. Tonight, the words from the nightmare are worse-louder than ever. Repeating. Rocketing through my head.

Lucky. Lucky. Lucky girl. Nothing happened. Nothing happened.

I haven't heard them this clearly in almost two years.

The words belong to the people who were present the night I was drunk and almost raped freshman year. The night I snuck out to a party, lied to my parents, got drunk and brought all of this on myself. The nightmares and the voices are my memories. Or what's left of them.

It's always me, floating in and out of varied versions of the same scene.

I'm half-naked sometimes. Often, I'm all wrapped up in a white sheet. Usually there's two faceless guys talking. The policeman is always around too. Sometimes, a nurse, and if I don't wake up, my parents appear when it moves to a hospital room.

In the nightmare, I'm forced to be everyone. I'm observing each moment from very far away-like it's on a small TV monitor. But as it unfolds, it's my own voice that's been dubbed over the words everyone else spoke that night.

It's freaky, but whatever. It's a nightmare. They're supposed to be horrible, right?

I work to sit up, still counting, and rest my chin on my knees so I can watch my nightlight better. The three tiny jellyfish spin aimlessly up and down, up and down, in their water-filled tank. The tentacles are almost distinguishable.

Almost. Almost.

How I hate that word and the way it defines me. Almost raped. Almost over it. Almost normal. Much, much worse: a night I can almost remember. Almost forget.

I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. Even though everyone says it wasn't my fault, I feel responsible. How can none of my messed up life be my fault? I did wrong. I broke all the rules. And I'm paying the consequences for my *bad choices' in this endless time-out. Nightmare. Punishment.

My parents used to make us do time-outs on a little bench in the front hallway. Mom and Dad's price for misbehaving: sit on the bench one minute for every year *old' we were.

Six years old, six minutes.

Ten years old, ten minutes.

This used to really make me mad, because I'm four years older than Kika and she always got free four minutes earlier for the same crime.

A few months ago, as one of my stay-awake-projects, I ran the numbers on my current time-out. There are 52,560 minutes in every non-leap year. Multiply that number times the three years I've been stuck in this stupid limbo. Officially-according to the rules in this house-I've been doing time for my bad behavior at that party for 1,576,800 minutes.

This means, I'm 1,576,800 years old. Sometimes, when every inch of my body aches like it does now-when I can't see straight from wis.h.i.+ng I could sleep at night-I think that number is dead on.

Mom was way off when she'd called me a skeleton impersonator the other night. Ghost would have been a way better word. That's what I'll become if I can't regain control over my sleep schedule, and make the nightmare go back to a reasonable level.

Chapter Thirteen.

Gray "A different name for me? Hmm. That's going to be weird," I say, motioning to the door of the minuscule office Jess and I have been a.s.signed to share. "Can you move into the hall? I need to put this desk against the wall you've been holding up with your back."

I'm joking, but I'm also serious. Worried as h.e.l.l about her, actually. She looks really pale and fragile again-like how she looked the day we made the contract.

I step around a box overflowing with brand new office supplies and shove it to the side. Clearing the way for her to exit more easily. She trades one leaning spot for another and props her weight against the door. I know I won't be able to concentrate unless she sits down. Rests. Sleeps? I grab one of the wheeled office chairs and traverse the mess with it to set it near her.

"This chair is also in my way," I add, pausing to scan her face up close. "Maybe you can drag this out into the hall and just hang while I finish?"

She makes no move to touch the chair. "I'm good."

I'm certain she's lying. Coach's words haunt me as I scan the etched circles under her eyes. They're so dark today they look like bruises. Does Jess need to sleep, even now? It's not like I can ask directly, or call her on her answer. It's going to take some time before I can just know if she's having a bad day or not.

I wish she'd talk about herself. Most girls usually have no problem doing that. I've already deciphered that Jess is not like other girls. Her eyes haven't left the chair.

"Might as well take a load off," I encourage again. "This is going to take me a bit, plus I could use the extra twenty inches of s.p.a.ce."

"Yeah, but you're doing all the work. I can't just sit and do nothing."

"Only one of us can fit in here while the big stuff is moved around. I don't mind being the grunt. I'm the paid employee. Remember?"

"Oh, I remember." Her tone is dry and possibly sarcastic, but I see her flush. She turns away to thankfully, pull the chair out into the hallway and sit. She lets out a sigh that sounds relieved. When she leans into the seat I'm unexplainably happy and relieved.

I pretend to ignore her and shove the long, rectangular workstation into the center of the windowless office we've been given. It's down in the bas.e.m.e.nt near the s.h.i.+pping department. Takes five minutes just to find it. Mr. Foley told us not to worry about the tight s.p.a.ce or the bad location. The office is supposed to be more of a room to store our things and a place to learn the database. Apparently, once we get through that, we'll be a.s.signed to special projects and work in the one of the larger warehouses. According to the smug dude I'd met in the employee lounge this morning, the summer slaves (as he called us) were usually stuck working on the jobs no one else wanted. Whatever. Bring it on. I can't wait.

"Names," I call over my shoulder. "Let's get it over with. What are you thinking I should be called? I'm terrified," I joke. "Name me Edward, or Peeta, or Prince Charming, and I swear-I'll quit."

She laughs and it takes all of my strength not to look toward that sparkling sound. "We need to pull a real guy's name from our cla.s.s," she says. "Once my mom latches onto the idea of me being into a guy-she's going to head straight for my yearbook and look him up. Kika will be right behind her turning the pages. Plus, I'm going to have to add you to the contacts in my iPhone. Right now when you text me, I have you listed as Interns.h.i.+pGuy. Meaning you aren't really anyone to me, yet. That has to change soon because my mom and sister have started tracking that already." Jess holds up this year's yearbook. "Let's just choose someone, anyone, I guess."

I glance up and watch her half-heartedly flipping through pages. "What if I think who you choose is a downgrade? Pick someone cool, or at least good looking," I joke.

"Did you really say that? You're so smug about how you look. Must be nice to be so perfectly put together."

"Ooh. You did not just say that." I smile and pause to rest. Does she really think that? "Might I return the compliment, Miss Jordan? Love the pencils you stuck in your bun. I can honestly say I've never seen any girl look hot in what appears to be...a 1940's school teacher outfit?"

"Shut up. I was not complimenting you, and we both know this outfit was selected to deter all hotness." She fingers one of the long, stick things coming out of her bun. "These are not pencils. They're a Geekstuff.com product called Sus.h.i.+-hair. These chopstick bun makers are top sellers. DUH. How did you make it to the second interview round again?"

"Must have been something about my looks." I wink.

"G.o.d." She's turned bright red. "FYI, I do not need your ridiculous player-charm to be turned on all the time." She slams the yearbook shut and places it in front of her like she means to use it as a s.h.i.+eld against me.

I can't help but tease her a bit more. "Maybe it's you that has all the moves, not me. When you say FYI like that, and then shoot me the hateful-looks my heart kind of melts. FYI back. You don't have to work so hard to catch my attention, chopstick-bun girl. We're already dating," I finish, loving the way her eyes snap at me.

"Seriously?" She's sputtering now. "I really want to hit you. You swore no more joking like that."

I take in the tense set of her face and realize she's truly upset, so I tone it down. "Right. Sorry...jokes getting out of hand again. If you really have the urge." I point to my left cheek. "Do your worst. No extra charge. I'm sure I deserve it." I tear my gaze away from her distracting chop-stick bun, pink face, cute freckles-adorable pursed lips.

h.e.l.l. I'm positive. I deserve to be punched.

I think I just stared at her lips so long I wonder if she noticed where my focus had been stuck? I turn away to pull the desk out another foot, but my imagination flashes to the line of her neck, then back to her lips. She has really cute lips.

The blood in my head and body is pounding in a way that is about to have me really embarra.s.sed.

"Finished," I say, refusing to look up as I force my interest and thoughts away from the beautiful girl in the room and onto the office supplies in front of me.

Pencils, printer, pens, paper.

Staples. Staples. Staples.

It's working.

"We can now easily share this desk. Let's set up our supplies," I say as though I'm still on track, as though I've been able to erase the image of her lips from my mind.

Inside I'm screaming: printer cartridge, paperclip holder and paperclips!

"Do we have any other choice than this?" She swallows, looking supremely uncomfortable and if possible, she's paler than she was five minutes ago. She's surveying my desk set up.

"What's wrong?"

"We'll be, like...two feet apart, and staring at each other. Kind of too close don't you think?"

h.e.l.l yes. Too d.a.m.n close, I think, before saying, "We'll have the monitors back to back. You'll see. It will create a sense of privacy. Plus, it's not as if I don't shower every day," I sneak in another joke, hoping to put a smile back on her very worried face.

"No...it's not that." She looks at me, through me, into me.

I can't breathe.

"It's going to be fine, right?" she whispers.

Her gaze is so open I think I can see all the way to her broken heart.

Does she mean the desk or the whole summer?

Either way, I only want to erase this terrified look from her face. "Fine? Fine?" I grin. "It's going to be perfect, Jess Jordan, girl-who-worries-way-too-much. The signs of greatness are all here. Look at these babies." I pat the brand new twenty-seven inch Macintosh computers Mr. Foley brought us. "These boxes alone should make both of us scream like it's Christmas morning! Snap out of it. Santa came! Now we get to play with all of our toys!"

She laughs and appears to relax. "They are over the top, aren't they? I hope I don't hurt your feelings when I get mad at you for your...jokes. I'm just getting used to all this banter. I don't talk this much, to anyone. And the flirting, even though I know it's not real-that you're just pretending-trying to do your boyfriend thing." She flushes. "But it's, um, very weird for me. Besides, I'm sure it's inappropriate at work. Can we put a hold on that kind of stuff until we're used to each other?"

"Uh...yeah." I swallow. "I suppose that's what I've been doing...practicing...flirting with you. You sure you want me to stop? Practice makes perfect. Plus, it's pretty weird for me too," I quip, knowing I wasn't practicing. I'd simply forgotten.

Forgotten she wasn't just any girl that I had a crush on. I turn and crack open one of the Macintosh boxes, pull out her computer and set it on her side of the desk.

"Honestly, it seems like you don't need to practice at all. Like you're a natural. So...how about you only do that when it's important, okay? Like when people are looking. And only after we are *official'?"

"Right. Makes sense." I nod, wondering if any of this will ever make sense.

"Thanks. And...just thanks for understanding."

"You draw the lines and call the shots. I might joke around, but I promise to be a gentleman, okay? I don't want you to feel weird...or like I'm going to take advantage of you. I won't. Swear. Remember? We promised to trust each other."

She nods, but won't meet my gaze as she plugs in and turns on her machine.

Sensing a change of subject is in order, I dig into my own computer box, unload the beautiful machine, plug it in and power up. "I'm thinking we use my best friend's name. Corey Nash."

"Why him?" She leans on her elbow to peer around the two monitors so she can see me. My heartbeat doubles because she's right.

We are nose to nose. Entirely too close.

Don't stare at her lips, I command my brain. I pull back a bit to fiddle with my computer cables. "Corey Nash is..." I look up again.

She's chewing her bottom-oh man. Don't stare at her lips!

"Corey is the perfect choice," I say quickly. "He'll be hanging around with me-with us-at the rink. As you get to know me, you can observe him. Then you'll have a real reference point when you talk about him. I mean talk about me to your family. That sounds so twisted," I add, chuckling.

"Because it IS so twisted." Jess laughs too. "How will I keep it straight?" She turns her eyes to the ceiling and taps her chin with one finger. "Your best friend. Hmm. Makes sense. He can even come out with us all the time. We could set up group dates-confuse my parents with your ma.s.s of friends."

"About that. My ma.s.s of friends is not that big. It consists of Corey and Mich.e.l.le. That's it. Sometimes there's a few stragglers who hang around the rink and the bowling alley, but not often."

Jess scowls. "What about all those other girls I saw at lunch?"

"Mich.e.l.le's cheerleader friends, not mine."

"That's it?" She rolls her eyes. "There's no posse? No gang. Aren't you on some sort of sports team...and don't teams hang out together and bond in a huge group all the time?"

"Yeah. I'm on an inline team, but the guys are pretty split up. Some drive for hours to get to Golden for practices and games. Plus the season isn't back on until fall. Because of my work schedule and Gran...I'm maxed."