Is It Just Me? Part 5

It's an amazing course for folks who won't, or can't, fly. The Virgin people put me with a pilot and a psychologist, plus someone who had successfully been through the program. And so I sat with them for five hours the day before I was getting on the private plane. I felt better because I learned that a lot of the things that were keeping me back don't exist anymore. When we finished, I said to them, "OK, I hear and see everything you've shown me and I feel like if I can do this thing to London, and if I feel the same when I come back, I will take myself to the airport, get on a plane, and go to LA and knock on my daughter's door."

And that's what I did.

Now, I still hate flying. It's not something I want to do. But now it's something I can can do. do.

So here I am. Now I can fly again and be up there cruising along at thirty-five thousand feet. With all the drunks, and the bin hogs, and the guy with the dirty hands tr.i.m.m.i.n.g his fingernails on the seatback tray.

Lucky me.

Chapter 23.

Even Steve Jobs Has to Turn Off His Cell Phone.

I have been called a lot of things. But compliant is not often one of them. Some might even say, "She's compliance-challenged." Or "compliance-unfriendly." Yes, I'm the one who colors outside the lines and in the boldest colors I can find. My drum does beat a little differently. But, hey, you get me on an airplane, and I am the Borg from Star Trek Star Trek. I a.s.similate. That is to say, I become a compliance freak.

They keep the rules pretty simple. Buckle the belt. No gathering in the aisles, especially not by the c.o.c.kpit door. No smoking. No a.s.saulting crew members. And turn your electronics off when they tell you to.

Not too challenging, right?

Then why, oh, why do so many folks have trouble powering down their electronics? Some people kind of forget. I guess they're too busy figuring out how to recline their seatback into the bridge of your nose. But there are some people who try to be slick. They palm their cell phones or hide their computers when the flight attendants are near.

What's slick about that? Hey, Mr. Slick . . . know what your computer is actively doing when it's on in that critical time of takeoff and landing? It is interfering with the safety of all the other pa.s.sengers. That's why they are really adamant about your turning off your computer until you're up and running.

What's the point? They didn't see you leave it on. Aren't you something. You got over this time. But what happens if something goes wrong, and it's your computer's fault because it's not in the mode it's supposed to be in? Which is off.

Again. All everyone has to do are the few things they need to do. It's easy. And it's common sense. If everybody's computer is off, then there's not an issue. Simple! You cannot be playing with your computer. Just turn it off.

It's fifteen or twenty minutes. Are you seriously going to say you can't deal with that?

Most people reading this are thinking the same thing right now. It's the same thing the pa.s.sengers around you are thinking: Is your life so much more important than everybody else's? Are you too big to turn your computer off? No. Even on a private plane they ask you to do the same thing. Turn it off until they get up and running. It's a safety issue there's no reason to mess with.

If you have an iPhone, or another cell phone model that has an airplane mode, everybody knows they can click it to that, and still listen to their music, or play their games, or do whatever they want to do during the flight. But you can't do phone calls. So why would you? Do you really want to fool with the navigation equipment on the plane? You want a safe flight, the pilots want a safe flight. These are the things we all need to comply with in order to have a safe, easy flight. Why not just do it?

If you're one of those who tries to sneak text messages and cell phone calls in-flight, let me ask you this: What makes you more important than everyone else on the plane? They want to talk to their loved ones, make business calls, and text too. So who do you think you are? Because, pretty much, if they catch you, they're going to take it and you won't get it back until you land. And maybe not even then. They may have to take it in and see what you were doing with it. Were you trying to make something bad happen to that flight? So you are opening yourself up to so many unnecessary ha.s.sles.

All just so you can say to somebody, "Guess where I am? On the plane!"

And then it's like, "OK . . . and?" In case you hadn't noticed, a lot of folks are flying these days, so the person you're calling is probably not especially impressed. What are you doing that can't wait? Why take the chance of being in an uncool position for three hours when you can avoid it by just turning it all off?

Even Steve Jobs has to turn his phone off. The pope has to turn his phone off. Obama has to turn his phone off . . . You are no better than anybody else on that plane. Regardless of what you think. And you are surrounded by the same rules and obligations.

So follow 'em!

Chapter 24.

Self-Test: A Traveler Check.

Do you help other pa.s.sengers with their overhead luggage when they need a hand?

If yes, score 0 If no, score 2 Have you ever gotten drunk on a flight to the point the flight attendant said you were cut off?

If no, score 0 If yes, score 5 Have you ever been reprimanded by a flight attendant for your behavior?

If no, score 0 If yes, score 5 If more than once, score 10 Did it bother you?

If yes, score 2 If no, score 5 Do you make it a point to clean up your mess before you leave the restroom?

If yes, score 0 If no, score 5 Have you ever used your computer or cell phone when it's not allowed?

If no, score 0 If yes, score 5 If regularly, score 10 When it's time to get off the plane, do you wait for rows to clear in order, or do you squeeze ahead of the crowd?

If you wait, score 0 If you squeeze ahead, score 5 Total score: ______ Tally your score and write it in on the Master Score Sheet at the back of this book, page 195.

Chapter 25.

Fragrant Fliers.

A lot of airlines don't serve food anymore. Count your blessings. Those that do charge you five hundred dollars for a snack bag you can't get open. And when you do, your reward is three mini pretzels.

That's the good news-three pretzels. But the bad news is that most people are bringing on their own food.

Yikes.

Has anyone noticed the . . . unusual fragrances . . . on airplanes now? I suggest . . . have a little sense when you bring food aboard a plane. Because you're in a little closed cabin, and you don't want to be testing everybody's gag reflex. Come on, people. Wait the four freakin' hours to get where you're going to have stinky cheese. Bring yourself some crackers and some jelly or apple b.u.t.ter. How about one of those energy bars just to fend off the hunger pangs until you land? Bring something that isn't going to stiffen other people's nostrils or send them into anaphylactic shock.

Some people crack open that Tupperware and you can see the heads just starting to turn this way and that. Noses go in the air, faces start wincing. Know what that look is? That's the "WTF?" look.

Is that the look you want to be getting? Then don't pack along anything that's really pungent-overpowering foods that you might be used to but other people might not be. And hope to never smell again.

Once their sense of smell returns . . . if it ever does.

I mean, come on. Some of that grub smells so foul I expect to see the oxygen masks drop.

Look, it's not going to mess you up not to have the stinky fish for four or five hours, is it? Or an overabundance of garlic. Unless you plan on encountering a vampire in-flight, I'll bet you can survive without the garlic.

Your best solution is just to eat a little something before you get on the plane. But if you have a long flight and need a snack, what about bringing something like cut-up veggies-some carrots and celery-and maybe some hummus? They make a packaged hummus and pretzels that will keep your stomach from growling.

Keep it simple. That way you get something in your tummy . . . Plus that way, you won't have to see all those heads craning over the seat backs at you . . . trying to figure out who's the jerk eating the roasted whole cod in garlic sauce.

Chapter 26.

A Civil Person's Handy List: Stinky Foods Not to Bring on a Plane.

Cabbage-based anything. Coleslaw, sauerkraut. Tuna fish salad, even in a sandwich. Any fish. Any. Fish. Including gefilte fish. It may not look like a fish, but it sure smells like one. Lox (it's fish, right?) Anything with garlic Chili Chili dogs Chili fries (if your airport sells them, eat them before you board) Strong cheeses. Where do you think the term "Cut the cheese" comes from? Liverwurst Sausage and peppers subs Kielbasa (I'm calling you out, Chicago) Pizza with onions. Do I need to mention anchovies? Egg salad Hard-boiled eggs. Yup, that's exactly what they smell like. Cheeseburgers with onions Onions appear to be a theme Kim chi Caesar salad If it's in Tupperware with a spicy sauce, come on. Especially Indian food with a curry, or some Mexican dishes. Why tempt fate? French fries. Nothing like a whiff o' grease from your fellow traveler.

A few words about nuts and peanuts: People with severe nut and peanut allergies can have a really bad day if someone's eating them nearby. Sometimes the crew will make an announcement if such a person is aboard. If so, be nice. Be a squirrel. Store your nuts until you land.

As long as we're on the subject of being kind to the noses of others, let's remember that your workplace might be a closed s.p.a.ce, too. So in addition to the foods on our airplane list, here's another one that will help you make friends on the ground: FUNKY FOODS NOT TO MICROWAVE IN THE OFFICE.

Many workplaces no longer give employees a full lunch break. Or maybe you are doing your best to save some money and bring a lunch. You need to know that the microwave in the break room broadcasts the odor of your lunch. Notice I didn't say aroma. An aroma is what it smells like to you. To everyone else, it's an odor.

Avoid these odiferous microwave no-no's: Popcorn. Yes, popcorn. Ask anybody. It stinks. And hangs there all day. Broccoli or cauliflower Soups with broccoli or cauliflower Onion soup Certain prepared meals, especially diet meals, are lethal. Last night's Mexican combo plate Last night's chicken tikka masala Lamb kabobs or lamb stew Exotic foods of the world will not make you a goodwill amba.s.sador. Anything with vinegar. Phew.

There's plenty other good stuff to eat. Unless you really enjoy getting the "WTF?" look as you walk back to your desk.

Chapter 27.

Babes on a Plane.

We all know there is no airline just for parents, OK? So when small kids need to fly, the question needs to be asked, how do we do this together? My feeling is this . . . We've got to try to give as much help as we can to the person who's got the baby. Especially if you are the one stuck next to them. Love it or hate it . . . you will be stuck for hours-so help them out. They don't want a screaming baby either. They don't want the baby to do what it's doing. But a baby's going to do what babies do. And what do they do? They scream.

If you're in a seat next to a screaming baby, you have two choices. You can simply turn to the person who's got the kid and say, "What can I do to help you?" Or, you can say, "Is it really going to be that bad if you give the child what it wants?" Because for the five hours you're going to be on this plane, the baby's going to be really unhappy because it wants the keys, or the ring, or whatever.

Baby wants the toys.

The thing about babies on planes is that it's not an "if." No, it's more like a "when" the screaming's going to happen. But chances are, if you're the parent, you kind of know what's going to p.i.s.s 'em off, and what's not going to p.i.s.s 'em off. Babies want to get down and walk around. They can't. It's not possible. Babies cannot walk up and down the aisles. So it helps to bring enough stuff along that keeps them occupied. As the parent, it is your responsibility to keep the baby entertained. Trust me, I know you want to sit back and close your eyes-even for just one glorious minute . . . G.o.d, what we would all give for just that one minute-but if you're not traveling with someone else, you can't.

If you are the lucky seatmate, earplugs may dampen all the sound, but if that baby is trying to roll out of the seat and get away from the mother and do all kinds of baby stuff, earplugs don't mean squat. So do you want to make this work? Then I'd take out the earplugs and the first thing I'd say is, "What can I do to help you?" . . . By the way, you do know I mean to say that to the parent, right? You can say it to the baby if you want, but don't expect much of an answer.

So-called "experienced parents" like to give advice to folks traveling for the first time on an airplane with a baby. Useless tips like "It's important to remember that you'll never see any of those people again."

That only works for about five minutes. Because for the five hours that you're with them, they are boring a hole into your head. Your skull is about to give like a Gulf oil leak . . . because your baby is just performing. And in airplanes, what do they have? A built-in audience that can't move. For hours. So just get everything together. Have the bottle someplace where you can keep it handy. Have the baby toys that you know you will need.

Like I said, there's no Parent Air, which is what I would start if I were going to start an airline. It's a great idea and, if the right person is reading this book, we could start Parent Air.

In the meantime, I wish that the airlines provided baby things to play with. They could, maybe, give out little mobiles and things like that. Or those special crayons for little kids. Yeah, that'll happen. Sure it will. The same day they stop charging for bags and the pilots come around to give in-flight neck rubs. So, in the meantime, just be prepared that it's all on you and that your focus for the next five hours is going to be on the baby.

Oh, another thing . . . I know I may be piling on here, but this one is very important, OK?

If you're a parent of a child who is going to-perhaps-act up, don't pretend you don't see it. Or hear it. Or that you don't know that it's freaking people out. Acknowledge it. And, at least, give the folks around you the look that says, "I don't know what to do." But don't act like it's not happening. Because that p.i.s.ses people off even more. Don't ignore it. And just because you're allowed to fly with your baby, doesn't give you the right not to care that other people who may not have children are going to be on there too. And they may not dig it. In fact, they may be very uncomfortable with it. And a "deal with it" att.i.tude from you doesn't really go far in making friends or having people like your baby. So let them see that you're actively trying to do everything that you can do. Who knows, you may even win over some folks and get some help you didn't expect.

It's not an easy feat to take babies with you when you're going somewhere, because they get crabby, they want stuff, and they want to be B-U-S-Y.

That's why it's not a bad idea to start practicing with the kid before you travel. Sit for ten minutes just holding on to the baby so they get used to it. Otherwise, it's a new experience all around, and they won't like it. And will they ever let you know. So just start doing little things that you know you're going to have to do on the plane. Figure out ways to make it work, because you will be surrounded by other people who are trying to get through their nightmare too.

And, once again, a smile goes a very long way. It may not help, but it goes a very long way.

Chapter 28.

A Civil Person's Handy List: What to Bring for a Kid on a Plane.

If you are a parent experienced in flying with children, turn the page. But plenty of new moms and dads haven't yet been exposed to the joys of travel with kids. For you, here are some tips on what to bring along to make your trip better: Storybooks and coloring books. DO NOT forget the crayons. A silent silent electronic toy or game like a PSP electronic toy or game like a PSP Plastic keys Make a little photo alb.u.m of friends and family to flip through. An MP3 player with headphones and kid music That special stuffed teddy bear or whatever makes your child feel relaxed Bring the Blankie. But be careful. Don't forget it and leave it on the plane. It happens. Ask any shrink. I still fly with my Blankie.

The TSA does let you bring along formula, breast milk, medications, and baby food in reasonable sizes over the 3.4 ounce limit. They just want you to declare it to the agent when you get to the checkpoint. The rules change, though, so if you're not sure, contact the airline or look on the TSA website: www.tsa.gov.

Chapter 29.

Louder, They Can't Hear You in the Lobby.

Is it just me, or do people simply not recognize they are out in public? They seem to think they're in their living rooms. Am I alone here? I think not.

If you are also getting irritated by this more and more and don't know how to address the problem-and by "problem" I mean "those loud people who think they are home"-I may be able to help. I shall now address them on behalf of all of us: The theater is not your living room.

(I'm counting movie theaters, Broadway theaters . . . theaters in the park).