A Hundred Thousand Words Part 6

"I'm serious, man. What's the big deal? I don't understand why you'd keep going if it's not what you want." I'm not trying to be a d.i.c.khead, just trying to make sense of it.

Levi pulls his hand away and I immediately want it back. "Because something is better than nothing. Continuing with my original plan and finis.h.i.+ng med school is better than flaking out, right? I don't want to just sit around, not knowing who I am or what I want. Maybe that makes me a stuck-up b.a.s.t.a.r.d, but I can't be that person, Toby."

I'm not sure what to say to that and Levi doesn't really give me the chance to think about it. "I'm tired. Is it cool if I pa.s.s out here for a little while?"

"Yeah, no problem."

He scoots closer to me, his skin hot, and wraps an arm around me before closing his eyes. That easily he goes to sleep, and I think maybe we can do this-find a way to be friends who maybe f.u.c.k around from time to time, because it seems like the guy who's always had everything is now alone.

CHAPTER TWELVE.

Christmas Eve is like the day that never ends. I hang around the house with my dad who's either sitting silently in front of the TV or working. This is the only house I've ever lived in, and even though sometimes it felt lonely or stifling, I've never hated it. Maybe it's the holiday, or maybe it's all the weird s.h.i.+t that's happened on my vacation so far, but for the first time in my life my own home feels strange. I'm not totally sure why, but I feel it. Feel it in my chest and under my skin-like everything I do is just...off somehow.

When I go to bed, my sheets smell like Levi. I had real experience to draw from when I rubbed one out thinking of him last night. We'd taken a short nap and then he'd headed home. I haven't talked to him since. The Baxters celebrate Christmas on Christmas Eve, so I don't want to interrupt their family time.

On Christmas morning, I roll out of bed around ten. When I make my way to the kitchen, Dad's sitting at the table with a cup of coffee in front of him, steam rising from the top.

"Mornin'." I scratch my head as I pad across the floor to the pot and fill myself a cup.

"Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas to you, too." I look around and notice the ham he's ordered-he orders one every year-is resting on the counter. We'll just have to warm it up, and for Christmas dinner we'll eat that, boxed scalloped potatoes and green beans.

When I sit down across from him, he pushes an envelope toward me. "I figured money is the best gift for you. I'm not sure what kind of stuff you might need when you get back to San Francisco. That way you can buy whatever you want."

"Thanks, Dad." For some reason, my fingers shake as I open the envelope. There's some cash and a generic card inside with six words in my dad's messy handwriting.

I'm proud of you.

Love, Dad It's the first time in my life he's ever told me he's proud of me. My chest gets tight, my fingers still trembling as I read the card again. Without thinking, I push to my feet, walk over and hug him. "Thank you."

He gives me an awkward pat on the back. "Let me go get my gift for you," I say. It's a stupid-a.s.s sports trivia book. I had no clue what the h.e.l.l to get him.

"It can wait." Before I reply, my phone rings and Dad says, "Go ahead and get it."

Without looking at the screen, I know who it'll be. "It's probably just Chris wanting to wish me a Merry Christmas." I've been a d.i.c.khead to Chris for the last few days. He's tried to get me to come over more than once, wanting me to meet Gemma, but I haven't made it there yet, mostly because of conflicting feelings about his brother-weirdness over spending time with him, then anger at him, and finally because I had s.e.x with him.

"Merry Christmas!" Chris says right after I pick up the phone.

"Hey, man. Same to you. What's up?"

"Nothing. What are you guys doing?" He knows the answer, which he makes obvious when he continues, "Why don't you come over for a bit? You can eat some leftovers with us."

For a brief second I consider saying yes. Things are so much more alive at his house, but it feels wrong to leave. Especially after the card my dad just gave me.

"You can meet Gem," Chris says. "So far you just look like an a.s.shole since you haven't come over here yet."

"Ha, ha," I tease as I watch my dad take a drink of his coffee. "Screw you."

"I'm serious, man. Come hang out with us. She's only going to be here a few more days."

Guilt spreads through my chest. It's important to Chris that I meet her. I know it is. He's had my back for most of my life, and he doesn't ask much of me. h.e.l.l, I want to meet her. But then I look at my dad again. He yawns even though he just got up. I'm not feeling guilt just for being an a.s.s to Chris, I'm feeling guilt about my dad, for his life, for him acting tired and old despite how young he is. He wears his loneliness carved in his skin-the letters might be in the form of wrinkles and weariness, but they are there for the world to see. I have to wonder if part of his loneliness is my fault.

He told me he's proud of me and now it's my turn to take the next step.

"How about tomorrow?" I tell Chris. "I'm going to make dinner with my dad and watch some football." Maybe all it would take to make a difference is if I make a few pushes into his life. He could be waiting for me to make the first move. Maybe he doesn't know how to start the conversation any more than I do.

"What?" Dad looks up from his coffee. "No, you go ahead. Go hang out with Chris. I don't need help tossing a ham into the oven to warm up. We can eat when you get home."

My throat gets tight, itchy, words trapped inside it. It's f.u.c.king Christmas. We should spend the day together.

Dad shakes his head. He must be able to tell I'm going to argue with him because he says, "Seriously, Toby. Don't worry about me. This is your vacation. You only have a limited time home to see your friends."

To see my friends. He doesn't care I only have a couple weeks to see him, as well.

"Go on," Dad adds.

"Is that Toby?" I hear Elaine say in the background. "Tell him to come and eat with us! We have enough food."

Dad tells me to go yet again when Mrs. Baxter asks me to come. This very conversation has happened hundreds of times. You'd think I'd be used to how he pushes me away, encouraging me to spend time with a family that isn't really mine.

Yeah, you'd think I'd be used to it, but there's this empty feeling in my chest that says maybe I'm not.

"Get your a.s.s over here, T. Come hang out with us. You gotta give her the bro test, man. You're my boy. I trust your opinion."

And even though I've never talked to Chris about my dad, I know he gets it. I know that's why he's pus.h.i.+ng so hard for me to come over right now. He probably knows what it's like here-Dad and I sitting in awkward silence. Eating c.r.a.ppy food and watching a game I couldn't give a s.h.i.+t about. He's always been the kind of friend who wanted to make sure I felt welcomed.

And maybe I shouldn't be, but I'm p.i.s.sed at my dad for not being the same kind of man.

I think about what it might be like if I go over to the Baxter's house. It'll be awkward, being around Levi and pretending things are the same as they've always been, but there's not a doubt in my mind we can handle it. In a lot of ways, nothing has changed other than the fact that we got off together, and he told me something he hasn't shared with anyone else.

Okay, so maybe a lot has changed.

"Yeah...yeah, I'll be right there."

CHAPTER THIRTEEN.

When I get to Chris's, there's Christmas music coming from inside the house. It's almost enough to make me want to turn around and walk away, but I don't. Jesus, I've been a grumpy b.a.s.t.a.r.d lately.

After a quick knock, I hear Chris yell, "Come in!" so I push the door open. He's sitting on the couch with a girl next to him. She's Native American and j.a.panese. I only know this from Chris telling me. She has long, black hair that goes almost down to her a.s.s. She's thin, and from the looks of it, a little on the short side. She's gorgeous. If I'm being honest, I can see why he was nervous for his brother to meet her. Gemma looks like a girl who would catch Levi's eye.

Chris turns my way. "Hey, man. What's up?"

Gemma pushes off the couch and gives me a smile that, if I were straight, would probably make me fall in love with her, too. "Finally!" she says. "If it isn't the famous Toby. I was beginning to think you didn't exist." She walks my way and I hold out my hand, but Gemma ignores it and hugs me. I stiffen up slightly. Being touchy-feely with people I don't know is not one of my favorite things.

"I could say the same thing about you. A woman who likes this guy? I had to see you to believe it." When she lets go of me, I take a step backward.

"He's alright." She winks at Chris and he rolls his eyes before wrapping his arm around her. "He's more than alright," Gemma adds. The look Chris gives her says that where this girl is concerned, he's even more gone than I thought.

"Where is everyone?" I ask as Gemma rejoins Chris on the couch. What I really mean is where is Levi?

"Dad's on call at the hospital and he got called in. Mom ran to drop off some food donations at the shelter. Levi took off this morning, back to California."

My body tenses up. My chest gets a heavy feel to it. What. The. f.u.c.k. He left? He went back to school on Christmas? Didn't even say anything to me despite what happened the other day? It's not as though I thought we were a couple or anything. But h.e.l.l, I at least deserve a "Thanks for the f.u.c.k, I'm heading out of town" call, don't I?

"Can you believe that s.h.i.+t?" Chris asks, shaking his head. "What an a.s.shole. I guess he had the opportunity to have a talk with some important surgeon about s.h.i.+t that shouldn't f.u.c.king matter on Christmas, so he bailed. Selfish b.a.s.t.a.r.d."

I plop down on the other couch, still running over what he said in my mind to make sure I heard him correctly.

I can't believe he left and didn't say a word to me. And what a lame excuse. There is no doctor. I know it and Levi knows it, even though the rest of them don't.

"Has Chris always been like this about his brother?" Gemma asks me.

I try to focus on her and stop tripping out over something I shouldn't care about. Levi and I had s.e.x. He left. End of story. "Yep."

"You can't say he's not a spoiled a.s.shole, T. You know he is."

It takes me a minute to figure out how to reply to Chris. Yeah, Levi can be a d.i.c.khead. He always was a d.i.c.khead. But the guy I hung out with recently-the man lying in bed with me the day before yesterday-was different.

"People change," Gemma answers Chris for me. "He gave you a sweet card with your Christmas gift. It was really nice. Your relations.h.i.+p can't be all bad."

"Oh yeah...like one time he's nice and that's supposed to make up for all the times he was an a.s.s? I can't think of a time he wasn't a jerk to me." Chris shakes his head and I can tell he's truly annoyed. "Like the time he got us kicked out of a party I'd been looking forward to all year. Or all the times they gave me s.h.i.+t on the football team because I was Levi Baxter's brother, but yet where he was the king of the field, I sucked. And who could forget when he stole my high school girlfriend?"

There's this strange tug inside me, this pull that tells me to stick up for Levi. It's another layer of complication between me and the two Baxter boys that I don't know how to deal with. They're brothers. They're both compet.i.tive guys. Of course they're going to fight about s.h.i.+t. But Chris is my best friend and it's not my place to defend Levi. Especially when everything Chris said is true. Not that he and Bridget were really together, but they were something. I sigh and try to say something comforting to Chris. "Yeah, I-"

"Here, Toby," Gemma interrupts. "Levi asked me to give you this when he left." She pulls an envelope from her purse and I practically feel the blast of heat from Chris. I can guarantee he's wondering why Levi would be giving me something.

After taking the envelope from her, I try to put it into my pocket, but Chris asks, "What is it?"

f.u.c.k. I shrug. "I don't know. I'm sure he's just trying to be a nice guy." But Chris won't let it go and I know it, so I open the envelope and see tickets inside and a short note.

Toby, Hope you enjoy the show. If you ask, Chris will go with you. For some reason, I have a feeling you won't ask, though. And... I'm sorry...f.u.c.k, for everything, I guess. Thanks for everything, too.

Levi There's an empty feeling in my chest I'm not sure was there before. If it was, I didn't know it, but now it's taking over, spreading through me. I'm p.i.s.sed and confused and...h.e.l.l, mostly sad, I think. Sad because my dad can't even f.u.c.king talk to me and sad because Levi is doing something he hates. Sad because I feel like I was really getting to know him for the first time and now he's gone. Sad that he left without saying goodbye the same way my mom did...

"What is it?" Chris asks again, and I know I have to answer him.

"Tickets to see Jekyll and Hyde. I said something about wanting to go when your mom had the party for us. He must have heard me." And now I'm lying to Chris, something I've never had to do before. It's a virus eating away at my gut.

I don't stay long at Chris's. I'm pretty sure he can tell something's up but he doesn't ask. Not long after his mom gets home, I make up an excuse about getting back home to cook with my dad.

He's asleep on the chair when I get there. I bring his Christmas gift down and set it next to him, then lie on the couch and watch the game I don't care about, thinking of Levi who bailed on me and my dad who can't find it in himself to care about much of anything.

He wakes up not long after. He says he likes the gift, but I can't tell if he really does. We cook and finish watching the game. We probably do other s.h.i.+t, too. But it's stuff that doesn't matter, stuff I won't remember.

We continue the rest of my break that way, minus the cooking together. He works, I chill, we share a few words and that's about it. Levi was right and I don't ask Chris to go with me to the play. Chris and I hang out a few times, but I'm being a sullen b.a.s.t.a.r.d and make up excuses to avoid him.

Levi and I don't talk again, but I guess I should have expected that. His head's all screwed up, we boned, that's the end of it.

Still, I don't delete his number from my phone.

CHAPTER FOURTEEN.

February San Francisco "Toby! Hey, wait up," Cherise, a girl from a few of my cla.s.ses, calls from behind me.

Her boyfriend Brian chimes in right behind her, "If you wait, you're f.u.c.ked!"

I can't help but smile as I turn around. I should have known I wouldn't make it off campus without her catching up with me. She's pushy. Cool, but pushy. She's got it in her mind that we need to be friends. Not in the annoying-a.s.s way some people do, trying to collect gay boys like we're pets, but still she's a little heavy-handed for my taste.

"It's your birthday, right?" she asks when they catch up to me.

Brian mumbles, "I told you," before I ask, "Did I tell you that?" They fall into step with me as I go. "Because I don't think I would have told you that."

"You mentioned it offhandedly. Something about not having to use your fake ID anymore."

s.h.i.+t. I need to be more careful. "Yeah, it's my birthday." Since I need to catch the bus to get home (it's less expensive than driving around here), I don't slow down, the three of us walking through the damp, foggy day.

"So you're twenty-one now."

Smiling at her, I reply. "I'm aware. Nothing gets by you."

Cherise rolls her eyes and Brian laughs. "She's hinting, man. She wants to go out for your birthday."

"Or if you don't want to go out, there's a party. Since you're actually legal, I figured you'd want to hit up a bar or club or something."

And she obviously just a.s.sumes I would go by myself. Honestly, I probably would, but her a.s.sumption makes me frown. "I considered it. My roommate Xavier and I might go do something." Ha. See? I have people I can ask to hang out. There's more than just Xavier, if I want company. Her lips purse slightly and I can tell she didn't expect my answer. "What the h.e.l.l?" I ask. "You thought I didn't have anyone to go out with?"

We hit the street and I stop to wait for the bus. The city's moving like crazy around us, cars driving, people walking. It's so alive. That's my favorite thing about living in a big city, the pulsing energy and the thriving diversity everywhere you look.

"No, no. I know you have people you hang out with sometimes. You're just...funny about certain things, about letting people close. So I thought your birthday would be a secret. You have to admit you're shady like that, and you've been particularly growly since you came back from break last month."