A Hundred Thousand Words Part 3

He sighs. "Yeah... I did but...s.h.i.+t."

"What is it?" I ask when he stalls, but then add, "Nevermind. You don't have to say anything." h.e.l.l, I don't like telling people my business. I'm not going to push someone else.

We reach the end of the block. The green s.p.a.ce is a park, but it's a city park. Just a couple benches and some big stone planters that seem d.a.m.n gray today, but probably look great in the spring and summer. We sit on one of the benches and don't speak for a few minutes. Levi raises his arms, locks his fingers together behind his head, brows furrowed. There's a million things going on in his head. I see the words scrolling across him even though they're too blurry for me to read.

"Can I tell you something?" he asks. "Something I've never even said out loud? h.e.l.l, I'm not sure why I'm saying it now but it's f.u.c.king eating away at my insides." His voice is raw pain and confusion, chaos hiding behind his soft words.

Dread scurries down my spine like a spider hurrying across the ground. Whatever he's thinking must be dire if he suddenly wants someone like me for a confidant. "Yeah. For sure. Whatever you need to say."

Levi drops his hands, a whoosh of air slides across my skin when he does. "It's going to sound ridiculous. Like I'm a f.u.c.king p.u.s.s.y worrying about things that shouldn't matter."

"Dude, almost everything that affects one person is a non-issue for someone else. It's your life and it matters to you. That's the only thing that's important."

"Yeah?" The wrinkle above his eyes grows deeper as though he sincerely needs me to cement the statement for him. Like he needs someone to tell him it's okay for him to be feeling whatever the h.e.l.l it is he's feeling. I'm still trying to make it all compute. It's like my brain keeps cras.h.i.+ng every time I try to make sense of the guy who always has the answers suddenly seeming lost.

"Yeah...what is it, Levi? I'm good for it. It's between us." Those words are strange to say to him.

He lets out a deep breath and then says, "I don't know if I want to be a doctor, man."

That's it? I don't know what I expected him to say, but that's definitely not it. Even when I was a k.n.o.bby-kneed kid with ashy legs playing in his backyard I've always seen Levi like Dr. Baxter in so many ways-smart and confident, sure about everything he did. It was family knowledge that Levi would grow up and become a doctor like his dad. "You've always wanted to be a doctor," I blurt. I can't think of anything else to say.

"Yeah... I know I have. But then again-have I really? I don't even f.u.c.king know. I mean, I think it's always what I've wanted. But sometimes I think-do I want it just because it's what was expected?"

Holy f.u.c.k. I'm struck dumb trying to piece together what he's saying. Before I can figure out how to respond, Levi continues.

"I was at the top of my cla.s.s, Toby. I used to study this s.h.i.+t just to impress my dad with how much I knew. It's like...h.e.l.l, like sports I guess, practicing and conditioning for the season. Every box I needed to check, I checked it-extracurricular, grades, I excelled at everything. At first college wasn't what I expected it to be, but I worked that out, too. It's who I am. I don't let anything beat me. But this? This doubt is f.u.c.king beating me. I'm in my second year of Stanford School of Medicine, just like my dad, and all I can think is...what the f.u.c.k did I do? It's there, clawing at me all the d.a.m.n time-the questions, my future, and then I sort of freak out and it makes me just want to f.u.c.king disappear. Then I feel like an a.s.s for thinking that way." He nudges my elbow with his. "See? I told you not to expect something big. I'm being a p.u.s.s.y. That's about it."

I don't agree with him-what he's saying is a big deal. Being angry at his feelings of doubt is true to who Levi is, I think. Yet I've always admired how sure he's seemed about everything in life, and so it's hard to fit together all the pieces he's giving me so they're not just a cl.u.s.ter-f.u.c.k in my head. "It's your life, man. Being a doctor...that's serious s.h.i.+t. It's not something to take lightly."

"I've always felt like a future in medicine was this adventure I couldn't wait to live. I was going to save lives like my dad. I was going to matter. What I did would mean something. Now it's this heavy f.u.c.king weight in my chest. I'll be responsible for people's lives, Toby. I can't breathe thinking about it sometimes. I worked my a.s.s off to get to where I am, and my parents paid a s.h.i.+t-ton of money for it. Part of me can't let med school beat me. I don't back down for s.h.i.+t, but then winning means my whole d.a.m.n life is going to be this heavy burden on my soul that makes me feel like I'm losing control."

I have no idea what to say to him, how to find the right words or how to string them together in a way that could help him.

This whole thing is so typical of Levi, it kind of makes me want to laugh. He's being upfront about his issues in a way I never could. It's almost as though in this moment, he's somehow secure in his insecurity, if that makes sense. "I don't know, man. I just...it's not about winning and losing. It's not about letting med school beat you. And even if it was, normal people aren't good at everything. It's okay to not be the best. But then you've always hated not being the best."

"Who doesn't?" he asks. I guess he has me there.

Levi drops his head back and looks at the sky. There's a purple vein running the length of his neck. A tick in his jaw indicating he's working the muscles there. "I don't know what I want, Toby. I f.u.c.king don't, and that's never happened to me. I don't think I want to wear that white coat, to be my dad, even though I respect the h.e.l.l out of him. The thought makes me feel like I'm choking, like there's this hand around my throat that keeps squeezing tighter and tighter. The longer it goes, the harder it gets, but then if I don't keep going, what do I do? Does that make sense?"

I don't know what to say to him. I haven't experienced what he's saying but I can see how it could happen. But then, I think about myself, my life, and I think maybe I have experienced something similar.

He nudges my arm and we get up and start to walk again.

My gut instinct is to clam up, to lockdown, because this heart-to-heart stuff is so out of my realm of reality. I might as well be in Mordor right now. But then, he's standing here, reaching out to me, Toby Jackson, when he's kept this trapped inside for what sounds like years. Levi, not just anyone, Levi Baxter, and d.a.m.ned if I can fight the urge to find something to say to him. "When my mom left, my world was turned upside down, and I felt like I had no control. After that, I wanted control of every aspect of my life, because then if something got f.u.c.ked up it was on me. No one else could cause me that kind of stress. I think it's the opposite for you. You've always had control, and known what you wanted. You've always had what you want and now you feel like that control is taken away. You can't control something when you don't know exactly what it is that you want."

There's a pause in conversation. Our arms brush against each other as we move in unison, almost like we're attached.

"That's the first time you've ever really said something about your mom leaving."

"I know." I'm not sure what he expects me to say beyond that. Yeah, my mom was a little s.p.a.ced out sometimes. She'd get a hair up her a.s.s and leave. One of those times she didn't come back. The end.

Maybe he can tell how hard my jaw is clenched, how hard my teeth are grinding together, because he doesn't wait for me to say anything more. He asks, "Who doesn't want med school? But, sometimes I think I'd rather do anything other than that. It's s.c.r.e.w.i.n.g with my head."

There's a part of me that feels like I'm stabbing Chris in the back by being here with Levi and listening to him share these feelings with me. But I'm honored at the same time. For Levi to trust me like this. That's something I should probably tell him, but I don't.

"They love you. They'll want you happy. You gotta know that." They might freak out a little, but I know his parents. They love Chris and Levi too much not to accept it.

Levi stops and I realize we're back at his hotel. He backs up, leaning against the building, so I move closer to him. I feel like an a.s.shole because suddenly all I can think of is how gorgeous he is, and the way he felt against me last night. His Adam's apple bobs when he swallows. The muscles in his neck move. His eyes dart around, taking the world in the way he always does, looking for the next adventure. His hair looks soft, the way it falls on his forehead, blowing in the wind and getting into his eyes.

I want him. I've always wanted him, but before it's always seemed like a fantasy. Now-just like my perception of Levi as a person-my feelings are s.h.i.+fting, becoming deeper. My attraction has changed to a constant buzz, this charged energy beneath my skin. Being this close to him is making my insides go haywire.

"You're looking at me like you've never seen me before. What's up with that?" he asks, a playful tone in his voice. It's another mask, I think, the same as yesterday at the party.

"Don't know." I turn away because the last thing he needs to deal with right now is my juvenile crush on him.

"Thank you," Levi says.

"For what?"

He shrugs. "Everything, I guess. Last night. Breakfast. Listening to me ramble about s.h.i.+t that really doesn't matter. Telling me you get it, even if you don't."

Levi leans forward and gives me this half-hug, patting my back. It's a bro hug, not a bone me hug.

"I should let you get home." He pulls away. "I'm sure you're busy. I've kept you long enough. See ya around sometime, T-Rex." And then Levi walks away, and I'm standing here wondering what in the h.e.l.l happened these last twelve hours.

CHAPTER SEVEN.

"Mornin'," Dad says when he walks into the kitchen the next day.

He runs a hand over his head. Some of the short, dark curls in his hair are turning gray. Those gray hairs weren't there when I was home last summer.

"Hey."

He fixes a cup of coffee and I head over to the fridge to see what there is to eat. It's pretty empty like it always is, but there are eggs and cheese so I ask, "Do you want an omelet? I'm starved."

"No, that's okay. Thank you." He adds cream to his coffee, no sugar the same as he always has. It's almost as though I expected him to change while I was gone. I know I did.

"You sure?" I ask. When I was a kid, I'd make Dad omelets on Father's Day. It was one of our only traditions. It's not Father's Day, but I haven't done it in too long, so I kind of want to.

Christmas is in a few days, so maybe that's why I'm thinking about traditions. Or maybe I've been thinking about how we don't have any traditions. Like this year once again we don't have a tree. We stopped decorating one when I turned sixteen, but never really spoke about why. It's just something that happened. We kept meaning to put it up, but he was busy with work or tired and we didn't... The next year neither of us even brought it up.

"Yeah, I'm good. It was a long day at work yesterday. I think I'm going to take my coffee into the living room and watch the news."

Surprise, surprise. "Okay."

He again rubs a hand over his short hair. I jerk my hand down when I realize I'm rubbing my head, too. Subconsciously doing the same thing as my dad gives me a twist in my gut.

"You can bring your breakfast in the living room and eat-"

He only gets half the sentence out before I'm shaking my head. Closing the fridge, I say, "Nah, that's okay. I think I'm going to head over and see what Chris is up to." Because it makes my skin feel too tight being in this house. Which isn't fair, but it's true.

"Sounds good." Dad blows into his cup before moving toward the other room. "Have fun."

s.h.i.+tty as it is, he almost sounds relieved, and in a way, I am as well.

The truth is, I won't go to Chris's. Even though Chris would be cool with me stopping in, it would make me feel weird to show up there unannounced at breakfast time. They only get a few weeks home for the holiday. They can't want me there interrupting their family time.

It's chilly out, but not as bad as it could be. And it's not raining so that's a plus. As soon as I close the door to my car, my cell rings and I pull it out of my pocket. It's an Oregon number, but I don't recognize it. "h.e.l.lo?"

"Hey. It's Levi. What's going on?"

I'm not quite sure how he got my phone number but I don't ask. "Nothing. Sitting in my car, actually. I was going to get out of the house for a bit."

There's a pause and then, "Want some company? I need to do the same thing."

There's no thought in my answer. I just open my mouth and say, "Yeah." I almost ask him if he wants me to swing by and pick him up, but that might cause problems if Chris or his parents see me. What reason would I have to explain why I'm hanging out with Levi? "Where do you want to meet?"

He lets out a deep breath. "Thank G.o.d. I thought you were going to want to come this way."

Yeah, I'd just been thinking the same thing, but it still rubs me the wrong way to hear him say it. "Because we wouldn't want anyone to know we're hanging out," I say, my tone dripping with smarta.s.s. Dude, what's wrong with me? I'm getting my feelings hurt for no reason.

"I'm not embarra.s.sed to hang out with you. I just...f.u.c.k, I don't know, Toby. This is weird."

He's right. It is weird. I don't know what I'd been thinking when I'd made that remark. "I'm giving you s.h.i.+t. I get it."

"f.u.c.ker. You made me feel bad when you probably feel the same way I do. Chris is protective over you." Chris is protective over anyone when it comes to Levi, but I don't tell him that. "Hang tight. I'll come over and pick you up real quick." Levi hangs up without another word.

I don't get out of my car as I wait for him. This is strange, sitting around waiting for Levi to come and pick me up, but I have a feeling it's something a lot of people have done...wait for Levi.

I let my eyes fall closed as I lean back, and my brain starts sifting through memories, a slideshow flas.h.i.+ng across my closed eyelids.

"Can you believe Bridget f.u.c.king Maloney's been wanting to hang out with me?" Chris asks me. "I don't give a s.h.i.+t why it happened all of a sudden, but I'm glad. She's gorgeous. Older girls are hot." She's only a year ahead so I'm not really sure she qualifies as "older."

My shoulders automatically rise and fall in reflex. "She's aight." I wink at Chris who shakes his head at me. Chris's eyes get soft, and I know exactly where this is going before he says anything. "Shut the f.u.c.k up."

"I feel bad. I'm always talking about getting girls around you."

And he is but we're teenagers, so who gives a s.h.i.+t? If I had all the options he did, I'd be doing the same thing. But it's cool that he cares. That's my favorite thing about Chris. He's loyal as h.e.l.l to me. He wants me around. He would never leave. "You're my boy. You can talk to me about whatever you want." But there's a part of me who wishes these conversations weren't always so one-sided. "As long as there's no details." I wink at him again as we walk to his front door.

"I think I'm going to invite her over tonight since my parents will be gone. Maybe I can get Levi to get out of the house. I wish it wasn't his break."

The door opens before we can go inside. Speak of the devil, Levi steps out dressed up like he's going on a date. Inhaling, I smell his cologne, my eyes raking down his body, but then my cheeks warm and I turn away. I really shouldn't want him so much.

"Are you going to be gone tonight?" Chris asks him.

"Yep. I'm taking Bridget out. Thanks for the hookup, man." Levi smiles, and it almost looks genuine. His voice as well like he's really thanking Chris for something instead of just being an a.s.shole. But then, is this really something that can be misinterpreted?

Levi pats Chris on the chest in what looks like another form of thanks, then jogs down the walkway, jumps into his car and he's gone.

f.u.c.k. My stomach is somewhere at my feet. Chris is going to lose his s.h.i.+t, and rightfully so. Betrayal sears my gut because I was sitting here thinking about doing dirty things to Levi while he was apparently stabbing his brother in the back.

"I f.u.c.king hate him, man." Without another word, Chris walks into the house and I realize what a s.h.i.+tty friend I am to him, because I should hate Levi, too.

Back in the present, I hear a knock-knock against the window. My eyes jerk open and I scramble to sit upright. Levi's standing at the window wearing a long-sleeved s.h.i.+rt and jeans. He rubs his right arm with his left hand as though he's cold and trying to warm up. If I didn't know any better, I'd say he's nervous.

If I had any sense, I'd stay in this car, drive over to the Baxter's house and hang out with Chris and leave Levi alone.

Obviously, I'm a f.u.c.king idiot, because instead I push open the door and say, "All you're missing is the flowers."

What a dumba.s.s thing to say.

"Huh?" He wrinkles his nose, and then I see the light click on in his brain. "This isn't...I didn't..."

A laugh tumbles out of my mouth and then Levi gives me a shrug. "f.u.c.ker. Let's go before I kick your a.s.s."

Because it would obviously be a travesty for the two of us to be on a date together. Yeah...yeah it would. "Your car or mine?" I ask.

"Mine."

"Where we going?"

Levi shrugs. "I don't know. I haven't done any of my Christmas shopping yet. Does that sound good to you? We can hit up the mall in Portland."

"Works for me." We jump into his truck and take off. The ride's mostly quiet, just the obnoxious rumble of his engine going down the freeway. About ten minutes into it Levi asks me if I have a music preference. I like older s.h.i.+t-music from the nineties-but figure he doesn't have any of that so answer with, "Nah, I'm good."

He hits the radio, which is filled with c.r.a.p as always. About forty minutes later we're pulling into the parking lot of the mall.

"Any idea where you want to go?" he asks.

"The only people I have to buy for are my dad and Chris. I already got Chris's gift and I have no f.u.c.king idea what to get my dad."

The corners of Levi's eyes wrinkle again and I realize they do that a lot. "Really?" We step inside the mall. It's an overload of Christmas s.h.i.+t and I immediately want to turn around and walk out again.

"Really what?"

"Really all of it. Just Chris and your dad? And how do you not know what to get him?"

"Because I don't really know him. Or maybe because he doesn't really like anything. He works and watches ESPN. That's about it."

Levi frowns and I see it there in his eyes. The pity. I don't want that from him or anyone else. He doesn't say anything though, just pushes up his s.h.i.+rtsleeves and I notice his arms are dotted with freckles, which is really f.u.c.king s.e.xy. And that he's pale as h.e.l.l. "Holy s.h.i.+t, you're really white. I never noticed before."