A Hundred Thousand Words Part 16

Levi shakes his head. "That can't be true. He wouldn't-"

"He did. Do I think he doesn't love me? No...not really, but do I think he's so f.u.c.king unhappy with his life that he'd rather be alone? Yes. Do I think he'd rather soak in memories than make sure he knows his son? Yes."

He's still petting my head, his voice low as he says, "That's not me. I'm sorry about your dad, but that's not me. My job will be one aspect of my life. That's it. I have no problem living my life. Being friends with people. Telling people how I feel. Making a responsible decision about my career, h.e.l.l, planning to save lives is hardly the same thing as what your dad has been going through with his life."

I'm arguing with myself because I partly feel like he's right. Most people aren't happy with their careers. But then... "You deserve to be happy. You deserve to have what you want."

Levi sighs. "What am I going to do with you?" he asks. The sincerity in his husky voice draws my gaze to his.

Don't leave. Just don't f.u.c.king walk away.

"Everyone deserves to be happy. I'm trying to get there. I feel closer to that place than I did six months ago. When I'm in this bed, I'm happy. When I'm with you."

Whether that's true or not, it can't be everything.

CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE.

We spend the morning at an art supply store, the heavy tone of last night's conversation hanging in the air around us, but not managing to weigh down our time together completely. Neither of us are dumb guys. Fear of failing or not, Levi has to know the truth about what he's doing. He has to know that this is a decision he needs to make for himself, even if he does eventually decide to continue on this path.

It's similar to how I know I allow my personal fears to come between us. How I don't give myself to Levi as openly as he's offering himself to me. How I want to believe his words, want to feel that they're Levi's truth, and yet I'm not sure I'm worthy of them at the same time.

We make a stop by the library on the way home and then we're back in the apartment I share with Xavier. We're in my room, me lying on the bed, back against the wall and my book in my hand. Levi sits on the bed's edge, an easel in front of him, charcoal pencil sketching out my bedroom of all things.

He doesn't move, doesn't flinch when I run a finger down his spine, and tease the edge of his underwear, the only thing he has on. "You're lost."

"Just drawing," he says. "And thinking. Did you really struggle with being the only black kid in town? Did people give you s.h.i.+t?" He doesn't turn around and I know it's because he's trying to make it easier for me to talk about this stuff.

I've been thinking about Levi's truth, but I haven't been real about my own. About the fact that even though I kept telling myself it was a necessity, I didn't keep my distance from him. My heart beats his name. There was no way I could be with Levi Baxter and not fall in love with him. Maybe I always have been in one way or another, but this little thing-him giving me his back, the way he creates a s.p.a.ce that makes me feel safe enough to share s.h.i.+t I never share-makes me realize he's already totally made his way inside my heart.

"No...not really," I answer him. "They didn't give me s.h.i.+t, but... No one wants to be different, Levi. Especially when you're a kid. When you're trying to find your place in the world. And home-where you're supposed to feel the most comfortable-is full of people who don't look like you, it's tough sometimes. I stood out when I never wanted to stand out. Even when people treated me just like they did everyone else, I didn't feel white enough. Add being gay on top of that, and yeah, living in Coburn made me feel like I was naked all the f.u.c.king time."

He turns toward me at that, lying on his stomach and leaning on his elbows. "Chris?"

"Yeah...he helped. I was always just Toby to him. It was two days after my mom left that he came up to me at recess and started talking to me. Maybe I clung to him because he just kept talking day after day when I needed someone most, but he was my boy. Always. Chris was there for me without really trying. He's the first person I told I'm gay and he just shrugged, said cool and then made a comment about there being more girls for him. I needed that. He never once acted weird about it. " And then I came here and I felt like I had to start over. I was the gay kid at home who never felt white enough. When I came here I was the gay kid with zero experience who didn't always feel black enough.

"You have me hating my brother." But then he winks and smiles. "I'm kidding. I'm glad you had him. He's a good guy...Chris. I feel pretty f.u.c.king lucky that he's my brother. I wish we were closer."

I wish they were, too.

"I like it when you talk to me."

I like talking to him as well. It's a strange sensation, this feeling that I'm adjusting to as it settles in my chest.

Before I reply, the shrill ring of his cell makes my heart thud. Levi laughs. "It scared you. Your eyes almost popped out. Don't worry, I'll save you."

Shaking my head at him, I watch as he reaches for his phone. I'm pretty sure I left mine in the living room when we got home a few hours ago.

"It's Chris," he says, frowning. Chris doesn't call Levi. It's just not something he does.

Levi answers with, "What's wrong?" instead of h.e.l.lo. I push to the edge of the bed, sit there watching him. There's a pause while Levi listens. The hand holding the phone starts to tremble. "Is he okay?" Levi looks at me, his eyes going soft around the edges, sadness playing over his features.

"Absolutely. I'll take care of it. Right now. What's the address?" Levi asks. Address? Whose address would he need? Unless it's somewhere he has to go as soon as he gets back home.

"No s.h.i.+t, Chris. I'm not a f.u.c.king idiot. I'll take care of him." There's a struggle Levi's fighting. I see it in all of his features, the way he glances down. When his head slowly tilts until he's looking at me, he's all sadness, like he's made of it. I'm made up of fear. Something's wrong and I need to know what.

Levi ends the call, tosses his phone to the bed, and then runs a hand through his hair. The truth is hidden inside me. It has to be. Levi showed it to me in the way he looked at me, the way he won't look at me now. This is about me...but I don't want to believe it. "Is it your dad? Did something happen?" I ask him.

"No, baby," he replies. It's the first time he's called me that, and now's the wrong time to think about it or care about it, but it's his word choice I choose to focus on. It's a whole h.e.l.l of a lot easier than thinking of anything else. Baby. It's not something I ever would have thought I'd want to be called, but hearing Levi say it is like cotton candy, an o.r.g.a.s.m, and winning the lottery all in one.

"Just tell me. I need you to f.u.c.king tell me." I'm rocking, my hands wringing together uncontrollably.

He slides off the bed and kneels between my legs. "Your dad got into a car accident. He's at the hospital now, in the ICU. I'm sorry." Levi wraps his arms around me, his soft fingers dancing across the skin of my back.

It's him touching me that I want to feel. Levi's skin on mine. His arms around me. My lips on his, my d.i.c.k inside him, not this other stuff. Not the ache that's spreading through my gut, breaking into my chest and trying to crack it open. Not my heart crumbling into dust.

He's my dad. I can't lose him.

"He'll be okay. My dad's making sure of it. We need to get you home. Pack some s.h.i.+t, and we'll get you home to see him." Levi's knee pops when he stands up and reaches for his clothes.

Still I don't move. I can't. My bones are set in stone, my mind the only thing capable of moving. I'm going to lose him. I'm going to lose him. I'm going to lose him.

"Hey." Levi's hand tightens on the back of my neck. I didn't realize he'd even approached to touch me. "He's going to be okay, Tobias. I promise you, okay? He's going to be fine."

But he can't make a promise like that and both of us know it.

"You sit right there. I'll pack everything up for you. We'll be out of here in no time. You're going to have to get dressed, though." He winks at me. I appreciate the effort, but I can't smile at him in return.

When I stand, Levi is there again. He pulls me into another hug, and I sag against him, let him hold me up. I bury my face into his neck, his left arm under my right one, his hand on my back. Closing my eyes, I imagine his hair in his face and it's almost enough to make me smile.

"Why did Chris call you?" I ask when I pull away.

Levi's features tighten, and then just like that, they're back to normal. It happened so quickly, I'm not sure I really saw it.

"Your phone's in the other room. Maybe it's on vibrate or something. When he couldn't get ahold of you, he had no choice except to call me and ask me to drive here from Palo Alto to let you know. Believe me, he didn't want to. He doesn't trust me with coming here to get you and making sure you get home okay. I was just the only option he had."

CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR.

Unfortunately, we couldn't get a flight out right away. It's the middle of the night when we leave which gets us to Portland early the next morning. Levi hasn't touched me since we got here. They air-lifted my dad here after the accident. Levi's no-touching thing is for me. Usually I'd appreciate his efforts, but right now I want him to touch me, I want the comfort only he can give. If I told him, he'd offer it freely.

On the way here, I'd made sure to call Chris so he knew I was coming. I also had to make the call down South to talk to my grandma, who can't make it. She would be here for Dad if she could, it's killing her not to, but she recently had back surgery.

We arrive in the ICU waiting room, and immediately see Chris. He shoves to his feet. Gemma's asleep in a chair, and Elaine gives me a sad smile. There's no friends from work, or anyone else here for my dad. Just Levi's family.

Chris's eyes dart to Levi, and I see confusion there. What? Did he think Levi would just tell me my dad's unconscious in the ICU and then send me on my way? That's not how Levi rolls. But then, Chris doesn't know that, does he? In Chris's eyes, Levi's the same guy who's always driven him up a f.u.c.king wall.

"Hey, buddy. How you doing?" Chris wraps his arms around me and pulls me into a hug. His support is important to me. I lean into him, let him hold me up. He's the only one who tried to hold me up until recently.

"Okay, I guess," I say into his neck. There's nothing like the comfort of a best friend. It doesn't ever go away, not with a friends.h.i.+p as strong as ours. "I'm scared."

"I know. Come on. I'll take you to see him." Since Chris's dad works here, no one argues with Chris coming back with me. He leads me around the busy nurses' station, through the ICU doors, and then past another quieter nurses' station.

Ridiculously, my first thought is Levi might work here one day. He might be a doctor trying to help someone's loved one survive...and I'd trust him with that. He has a big heart and he's smart. He'd be good at this. But would he love this?

"He's in bed three, right over here." Chris nods toward a room, and I follow him over. As soon as I step inside, my legs almost give out. I have to grab onto the wall so I don't hit the floor.

His dark skin is pale, almost unreal-looking. There's a breathing tube in his throat and IV's hooked up to him. Machines beep and hiss and pump air into him. Keep him alive.

My dad. The only parent I have left. The one who stayed. I'm still standing in the doorway because if I don't step all the way inside, maybe this isn't real.

"He's in a medically induced coma for now. They said if things stay stable enough, they'll hopefully be able to try and pull him out of it in a few days."

"Okay." It's a nothing reply. There's no feeling or meaning behind it, but it's the best I have right now.

"We took care of as much as we could from our end. You're going to have to give them some of his information."

"Okay," I reply again, watching the machines as they breathe for him and medicate him and do whatever else they're doing.

"Go sit with him, T. It's okay."

My brain doesn't seem to be working. My body moves, but it's robotic, almost like something else is controlling me. I walk over and sit in the chair. Chris takes the one beside me and we sit in silence for close to an hour, watching my dad lay there.

It's Chris's scratchy voice that breaks the silence. "Do you want to be alone with him?"

No. "Yeah. Thanks, man."

"I'm going to take Mom and Gemma home so they can get some rest, grab some food and then I'll be back, okay?"

"No." I shake my head. "You've been here all night and day. You go get some sleep, too. I'll be fine. I'll call you later."

"No, I can't do that. I'm not sure if Mom or Gemma should be driving, though. They're exhausted. I'll see if Levi can take them and I'll stay here with you. I'll be in the waiting room until you're ready."

My heartbeat picks up at the mention of Levi's name. I'd walked away from him in the waiting area without a word. I've been sitting here for an hour and didn't even take the time to thank him for coming with me. For keeping me sane. He's been up all night and day as well.

"Yeah, I'm sure he'll do that." The words that come out of my mouth are at war with those inside me. The ones saying, "No, I need Levi. Need his strength."

I don't want Levi to go with them. I want him to stay with me.

Chris squeezes my shoulder and then leaves. Eventually a nurse comes in to speak with me, then the doctor. When they're not in the room, there's no sound except for Dad's machines. I know I should say something to him. The nurse and doctor both told me to speak to him, but h.e.l.l, we don't know what to say to each other when everything is okay; him being in a coma doesn't make it easier.

Hours later my legs cramp from sitting so long and my pulse and breathing start going in rhythm with the sounds of the room. I'm humming them in my head, my legs getting twitchy now, and I realize if I don't leave this room, I'm going to go f.u.c.king insane.

"I'm sorry...for everything." They're the only words I've spoken to him, and then I'm out the door, rus.h.i.+ng through the ICU and bursting through the doors and into the sterile, white hallway.

There's a heavy weight in my chest now, squas.h.i.+ng my lungs so I can't breathe. One leg in front of the other, I move faster and faster until I'm running down the hallway. I'm thinking about how I couldn't speak to him, and that I didn't cry. Shouldn't I cry? Wouldn't most people cry?

Finally I burst through the doors. Drops of water splash onto my face as I stand in the gray, rainy Portland day. Everything feels heavy-the clouds, the sky, the air...me.

My clothes are soaked. My body's s.h.i.+vering, an earthquake under my skin. I can't f.u.c.king stop it, and I think maybe it'll help if I pretend the rain is my tears because at least then the reason I'm standing here alone would make sense. I wouldn't just be feeling all those useless years of silence echoing in my ears and wis.h.i.+ng that I'd found words to share with him, when now it might be too late.

Then arms are around me from behind and I'm sagging into them. I know exactly who it is, but it's still a rea.s.surance when I hear, "It's okay, I got you," in Levi's hushed voice.

Turning around, I ask, "What if he dies?" My hand knots in the back of his hoodie, the black one because he let me wear the one that says San Francisco State. I suddenly wish I had let him wear the one he wanted because he deserves that and more. I'm clutching him so tight my fingers hurt, and Levi's arms around me are squeezing with the same intensity.

We're both trembling as rain soaks our clothes, but I think I'd be okay standing with him here forever.

"He won't."

"You can't promise that."

"He won't." Levi grabs my face now, his hands cupping my cheeks. "Not like this. It's not fair. You won't lose him like this."

What in life is ever fair? It's not fair that my mom left or fair that my dad doesn't talk to me. It's not fair that Levi feels trapped. He's only twenty-f.u.c.king-four years old. He should have an open future and not be tied to anything. Fairness has nothing to do with our existence... But still, there's a part of me that wants to believe him. Not just because of my dad, but because it was Levi who said the words.

"Thank you," I tell him.

Through the rain I can still see Levi's eyes wrinkle around the edges. I love it when they do that. "For what?"

"For coming...for staying...I'm sure you would rather be home than sitting in a hospital waiting for me."

Levi's hands still hold my face. His thumb brushes my left cheek. His eyes darken and I hate that it's a familiar thing to see, hate that I'm the one who causes his disappointment and sadness. "You really think that, don't you?"

I shrug. "It's the hospital. Who wouldn't rather be at home instead of here?"

"I don't know what I'm going to do with you," he replies. "But Chris didn't understand why I would stay either. He made a big deal out of it. Apparently I'm not allowed to worry about you."

The storm beating down on us seems to find its way into my stomach. "You didn't tell him, did you?"

Levi drops his hands. "Are you kidding me right now? Of course I didn't. Your dad is in the hospital. You have a lot on your mind. I know this isn't the time to break the news that we're seeing each other, though I really don't think it should be a big deal. Chris can't care that much and we both know my parents won't. I have to admit though, I didn't like watching him pull you away without a glance at me like I don't f.u.c.king matter. I want to matter, Tobias, and I want people to know it."

"You matter."

"Do I?"

Words get trapped in my throat. My head starts spinning, fears reminding me this can't turn out well.

"Never mind. Now isn't the time. My b.a.l.l.s are probably the size of grapes right now. It's cold and I'm wet and you need to focus on yourself and your dad. Come on, let's go inside and get changed."