Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners Part 6

235. Ah! these blessed considerations and scriptures, with many others of like nature, were in those days made to spangle in mine eyes; so that I have cause to say, _Praise ye the Lord_. _Praise G.o.d in His sanctuary_, _praise Him in the firmament of His power_; _praise Him for His mighty acts_: _praise Him according to His excellent greatness_.

Psalm cl. 1, 2.

236. Having thus in a few words given you a taste of the sorrow and affliction that my soul went under, by the guilt and terror that this my wicked thought did lay me under; and having given you also a touch of my deliverance therefrom, and of the sweet and blessed comfort that I met with afterwards, which comfort dwelt about a twelvemonth with my heart, to my unspeakable admiration: I will now (G.o.d willing), before I proceed any farther, give you in a word or two, what, as I conceive, was the cause of this temptation; and also after that, what advantage, at the last, it became unto my soul.

237. For the causes, I conceived they were princ.i.p.ally two: of which two also I was deeply convinced all the time this trouble lay upon me. The first was, for that I did not, when I was delivered from the temptation that went before, still pray to G.o.d to to keep me from the temptations that were to come; for though, as I can say in truth, my soul was much in prayer before this trial seized me, yet then I prayed only, or at the most princ.i.p.ally, for the removal of present troubles, and for fresh discoveries of His love in Christ, which I saw afterwards was not enough to do; I also should have prayed that the great G.o.d would keep me from the evil that was to come.

238. Of this I was made deeply sensible by the prayer of holy _David_, who when he was under present mercy, yet prayed that G.o.d would hold him back from sin and temptation to come; _Then_, saith he, _shall I be upright_, _and I shall be innocent from the great transgression_. Psalm xix. 13. By this very word was I galled and condemned quite through this long temptation.

239. That was also another word that did much condemn me for my folly, in the neglect of this duty. Heb. iv. 16: _Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace_, _that we may obtain mercy_, _and find grace to help in time of need_. This I had not done, and therefore was thus suffered to sin and fall, according to what is written, _Pray that ye enter not into temptation_. And truly this very thing is to this day of such weight and awe upon me, that I dare not, when I come before the Lord, go of my knees, until I intreat Him for help and mercy against the temptations that are to come; and I do beseech thee, reader, that thou learn to beware of my negligence, by the afflictions, that for this thing I did for days, and months, and years, with sorrow undergo.

240. Another cause of this temptation was, that I had tempted G.o.d; and on this manner did I do it: Upon a time my wife was great with child, and before her full time was come, her pangs, as of a woman in travail, were fierce and strong upon her, even as if she would have fallen immediately in labour, and been delivered of an untimely birth: now at this very time it was, that I had been so strongly tempted to question the being of G.o.d; wherefore, as my wife lay crying by me, I said, but with all secrecy imaginable, even thinking in my heart, _Lord_, _if Thou wilt now remove this sad affliction from my wife_, _and cause that she be troubled no more therewith this night_ (and now were her pangs just upon her), _then I shall know that Thou canst discern the most secret thoughts of the heart_.

241. I had no sooner said it in my heart, but her pangs were taken from her, and she was cast into a deep sleep, and so continued till morning; at this I greatly marvelled, not knowing what to think; but after I had been awake a good while, and heard her cry no more, I fell asleep also; so when I awaked in the morning, it came upon me again, even what I had said in my heart the last night, and how the Lord had showed me, that He knew my secret thoughts, which was a great astonishment unto me for several weeks after.

242. Well, about a year and a half afterwards, that wicked sinful thought, of which I have spoken before, went through my wicked heart, even this thought, _Let Christ go_, _if He will_: so when I was fallen under the guilt for this, the remembrance of my other thought, and of the effect thereof, would also come upon me with this retort, which also carried rebuke along with it, _Now you may see that G.o.d doth know the most secret thoughts of the heart_.

243. And with this, that of the pa.s.sages that were betwixt the Lord, and His servant _Gideon_, fell upon my spirit; how because that _Gideon_ tempted G.o.d with his fleece, both wet and dry, when he should have believed and ventured upon His word; therefore the Lord did afterwards so try him, as to send him against an innumerable company of enemies, and that too, as to outward appearance, without any strength or help. Judges vi. 7. Thus He served me, and that justly, for I should have believed His word, and not have put an _if_ upon the all-seeingness of G.o.d.

244. And now to show you something of the advantages that I also have gained by this temptation: and first, by this I was made continually to possess in my soul a very wonderful sense both of the blessing and glory of G.o.d, and of His beloved Son; in the temptation that went before, my soul was perplexed with unbelief, blasphemy, hardness of heart, questions about the being of G.o.d, Christ, the truth of the word, and certainty of the world to come: I say, then I was greatly a.s.saulted and tormented with atheism, but now the case was otherwise; now was G.o.d and Christ continually before my face, though not in a way of comfort, but in a way of exceeding dread and terror. The glory of the holiness of G.o.d, did at this time break me to pieces; and the bowels and compa.s.sion of Christ did break me as on the wheel; for I could not consider Him but as a lost and rejected Christ, the remembrance of which, was as the continual breaking of my bones.

245. The scriptures also were wonderful things unto me; I saw that the truth and verity of them were the keys of the kingdom of heaven; _those_ that the scriptures favour, _they_ must inherit bliss; but _those_ that they oppose and condemn, _must_ perish for evermore: Oh! this word, _For the scriptures cannot be broken_, would rend the caul of my heart: and so would that other, _Whose sins ye remit_, _they are remitted_; _but whose sins ye retain_, _they are retained_. Now I saw the apostles to be the elders of the city of refuge. Joshua xx. 4. Those that they were to receive in, were received to life; but those that they shut out, were to be slain by the avenger of blood.

246. Oh! one sentence of the scripture did more afflict and terrify my mind, I mean those sentences that stood against me (as sometimes I thought they every one did) more, I say, than an army of forty thousand men that might have come against me. Woe be to him against whom the scriptures bend themselves!

247. By this temptation I was made to see more into the nature of the promises than ever I was before; for I lying now trembling under the mighty hand of G.o.d, continually torn and rent by the thundering of His justice: this made me with careful heart, and watchful eye, with great fearfulness to turn over every leaf, and with much diligence, mixed with trembling, to consider every sentence, together with its natural force and lat.i.tude.

248. By this temptation also I was greatly holden off from my former foolish practice of putting by the word of promise when saw it came into my mind; for now, though I could not suck that comfort and sweetness from the promise, as I had done at other times; yet, like to a man sinking, I would catch at all I saw: formerly I thought I might not meddle with the promise, unless I felt its comfort, but now 'twas no time thus to do; the avenger of blood too hardly did pursue me.

249. Now therefore I was glad to catch at _that_ word which yet I feared I had no ground or right to own; and even to leap into the bosom of that promise that yet I feared did shut its heart against me. Now also I should labour to take the word as G.o.d hath laid it down, without restraining the natural force of one syllable thereof: O! what did I now see in that blessed sixth of John: _And him that cometh to me_, _I will in no wise cast out_. John vi. 37. Now I began to consider with myself, that G.o.d hath a bigger mouth to speak with, than I had a heart to conceive with; I thought also with myself, that He spake not His words in haste, or in an unadvised heat, but with infinite wisdom and judgment, and in very truth and faithfulness. 2 Sam. iii. 28.

250. I should in these days, often in my greatest agonies, even flounce towards the promise (as the horses do towards sound ground, that yet stick in the mire); concluding (though as one almost bereft of his wits through fear) on this I will rest and stay, and leave the fulfilling of it to the G.o.d of heaven that made it. Oh! many a pull hath my heart had with Satan, for that blessed sixth of John: I did not now, as at other times, look princ.i.p.ally for comfort (though, O how welcome would it have been unto me!). But now a word, a word to lean a weary soul upon, that it might not sink for ever! 'twas that I hunted for.

251. Yea, often when I have been making to the promise, I have seen as if the Lord would refuse my soul for ever; I was often as if I had run upon the pikes, and as if the Lord had thrust at me, to keep me from Him, as with a flaming sword. Then I should think of _Esther_, who went to pet.i.tion the king contrary to the law. Esther iv. 16. I thought also of Benhadad's servants, who went with ropes upon their heads to their enemies for mercy. 1 Kings xx. 31, etc. The woman of Canaan also, that would not be daunted, though called dog by Christ, Matt. xv., 22, etc., and the man that went to borrow bread at midnight, Luke xi. 58, etc., were great encouragements unto me.

252. I never saw those heights and depths in grace, and love, and mercy, as I saw after this temptation; great sins to draw out great grace; and where guilt is most terrible and fierce, there the mercy of G.o.d in Christ, when showed to the soul, appears most high and mighty. When _Job_ had pa.s.sed through his captivity, _he had twice as much as he had before_. Job xlii. 10. Blessed be G.o.d for Jesus Christ our Lord. Many other things I might here make observation of, but I would be brief, and therefore shall at this time omit them; and do pray G.o.d that my harms may make others fear to offend, lest they also be made to bear the iron yoke as I did.

I had two or three times, at or about my deliverance from this temptation, such strange apprehensions of the grace of G.o.d, that I could hardly bear up under it: it was so out of measure amazing, when I thought it could reach me, that I do think if that sense of it had abode long upon me, it would have made me incapable for business.

253. Now I shall go forward to give you a relation of other of the Lord's dealings with me at sundry other seasons, and of the temptations I then did meet withal. I shall begin with what I met with when first I did join in fellows.h.i.+p with the people of G.o.d in _Bedford_. After I had propounded to the church, that my desire was to walk in the order and ordinances of Christ with them, and was also admitted by them: while I thought of that blessed ordinance of Christ, which was His last supper with His disciples before His death, that scripture, _Do this in remembrance of Me_, Luke xxii. 19, was made a very precious word unto me; for by it the Lord did come down upon my conscience with the discovery of His death for my sins; and as I then felt, did as if He plunged me in the virtue of the same. But behold, I had not been long a partaker at that ordinance, but such fierce and sad temptations did attend me at all times therein, both to blaspheme the ordinance, and to wish some deadly thing to those that then did eat thereof: that lest I should at any time be guilty of consenting to these wicked and fearful thoughts, I was forced to bend myself all the while, to pray to G.o.d to keep me from such blasphemies: and also to cry to G.o.d to bless the bread and cup to them, as it went from mouth to mouth. The reason of this temptation, I have thought since, was, because I did not with that reverence that became me at first, approach to partake thereof.

254. Thus I continued for three quarters of a year, and could never have rest nor ease: but at the last the Lord came in upon my soul with that same scripture, by which my soul was visited before: and after that, I have been usually very well and comfortable in the partaking of that blessed ordinance; and have, I trust, therein discerned the Lord's body, as broken for my sins, and that His precious blood hath been shed for my transgressions.

255. Upon a time I was something inclining to a consumption, wherewith about the spring I was suddenly and violently seized, with much weakness in my outward man; insomuch that I thought I could not live. Now began I afresh to give myself up to a serious examination after my state and condition for the future, and of my evidences for that blessed world to come: for it hath, I bless the name of G.o.d, been my usual course, as always, so especially in the day of affliction, to endeavour to keep my interest in the life to come, clear before mine eyes.

256. But I had no sooner began to recall to mind my former experience of the goodness of G.o.d to my soul, but there came flocking into my mind an innumerable company of my sins and transgressions; amongst which these were at this time most to my affliction; namely, my deadness, dulness, and coldness in holy duties; my wanderings of heart, of my wearisomeness in all good things, my want of love to G.o.d, His ways and people, with this at the end of all, _Are these the fruits of Christianity_? _Are these tokens of a blessed man_?

257. At the apprehensions of these things my sickness was doubled upon me; for now I was sick in my inward man, my soul was clogged with guilt; now also was my former experience of G.o.d's goodness to me, quite taken out of my mind, and hid as if they had never been, or seen: now was my soul greatly pinched between these two considerations, _Live I must not_, _die I dare not_. Now I sunk and fell in my spirit, and was giving up all for lost; but as I was walking up and down in the house as a man in a most woeful state, that word of G.o.d took hold of my heart, _Ye are justified freely by His grace_, _through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus_. Rom. iii. 24. But oh! what a turn it made upon me!

258. Now was I as one awaked out of some troublesome sleep and dream; and listening to this heavenly sentence, I was as if I had heard it thus expounded to me: _Sinner_, _thou thinkest_, _that because thy sins and infirmities_, _I cannot save thy soul_; _but behold My Son is by me_, _and upon Him I look_, _and not on thee_, _and shall deal with thee according as I am pleased with Him_. At this I was greatly lightened in my mind, and made to understand, that G.o.d could justify a sinner at any time; it was but His looking upon Christ, and imputing His benefits to us, and the work was forthwith done.

259. And as I was thus in a muse, that scripture also came with great power upon my spirit, _Not by works of righteousness that we have done_, _but according to His mercy He hath saved us_, _etc._ 2 Tim. i. 9; t.i.t.

iii. 5. Now was I got on high, I saw myself within the arms of grace and mercy; and though I was before afraid to think of a dying hour, yet, now I cried, _Let me die_: Now death was lovely and beautiful in my sight, for I saw _We shall never live indeed_, _till we be gone to the other world_. Oh! methought this life is but a slumber, in comparison with that above. At this time also I saw more in these words, _Heirs of G.o.d_, Rom. viii. 17, than ever I shall be able to express while I live in this world: _Heirs of G.o.d_! G.o.d Himself is the portion of the saints. This I saw and wondered at, but cannot tell you what I saw.

260. Again, as I was at another time very ill and weak, all that time also the tempter did beset me strongly (for I find he is much for a.s.saulting the soul; when it begins to approach towards the grave, then is his opportunity), labouring to hide from me my former experience of G.o.d's goodness: also setting before me the terrors of death, and the judgment of G.o.d, insomuch that at this time, through my fear of miscarrying for ever (should I now die), I was as one dead before death came, and was as if I had felt myself already descending into the pit; methought I said, There were no way, but to h.e.l.l I must: but behold, just as I was in the midst of those fears, these words of the angel's carrying _Lazarus_ into _Abraham's_ bosom darted in upon me, as who should say, _So it shall be with thee when thou dost leave this world_. This did sweetly revive my spirit, and help me to hope in G.o.d; which when I had with comfort mused on a while, that word fell with great weight upon my mind, _O death_, _where is thy sting_? _O grave_, _where is thy victory_? 1 Cor. xv. 55. At this I became both well in body and mind at once, for my sickness did presently vanish, and I walked comfortably in my work for G.o.d again.

261. At another time, though just before I was pretty well and savoury in my spirit, yet suddenly there fell upon me a great cloud of darkness, which did so hide from me the things of G.o.d and Christ, that I was as if I had never seen or known them in my life: I was also so over-run in my soul with a senseless heartless frame of spirit, that I could not feel my soul to move or stir after _grace_ and _life_ by _Christ_; I was as if my loins were broken, or as if my hands and feet had been tied or bound with chains. At this time also I felt some weakness to seize upon my outward man, which made still the other affliction the more heavy and uncomfortable to me.

262. After I had been in this condition some three or four days, as I was sitting by the fire, I suddenly felt this word to sound in my heart, _I must go to Jesus_. At this my former darkness and atheism fled away, and the blessed things of heaven were set in my view. While I was on this sudden thus overtaken with surprise, Wife (said I), is there ever such a scripture, _I must go to Jesus_? She said, she could not tell; therefore I sat musing still, to see if I could remember such a place: I had not sat above two or three minutes, but that came bolting in upon me, _And to an innumerable company of angels_; and withal, Hebrews twelfth, about the mount _Sion_, was set before mine eyes. Heb. xii. 2224.

263. Then with joy I told my wife, _O_! _now I know_, _I know_! But that night was a good night to me, I never had but few better; I longed for the company of some of G.o.d's people, that I might have imparted unto them what G.o.d had showed me. Christ was a precious Christ to my soul that night; I could scarce lie in my bed for joy, and peace, and triumph, through Christ. This great glory did not continue upon me until morning, yet the twelfth of the Author to the Hebrews, Heb. xii. 22, 23, was a blessed scripture to me for many days together after this.

264. The words are these: _Ye are come to mount Sion_, _and unto the city of the living G.o.d_, _the heavenly Jerusalem_, _and to an innumerable company of angels_, _to the general a.s.sembly and church of the first-born_, _which are written in heaven_; _and to G.o.d the Judge of all_, _and to the spirits of just men made perfect_, _and to Jesus the Mediator of the New Covenant_, _and to the blood of sprinkling_, _that speaketh better things than that of Abel_. Through this blessed sentence the Lord led me over and over, first to this word, and then to that; and showed me wonderful glory in every one of them. These words also have oft since that time, been great refreshment to my spirit. Blessed be G.o.d for having mercy on me.

_A brief Account of the Author's Call to the Work of the Ministry_

265. AND now I am speaking my experience, I will in this place thrust in a word or two concerning my preaching the word, and of G.o.d's dealing with me in that particular also. For after I had been about five or six years awakened, and helped myself to see both the want and worth of Jesus Christ our Lord, and also enabled to venture my soul upon Him; some of the most able among the saints with us, I say, the most able for judgment and holiness of life, as they conceived, did perceive that G.o.d had counted me worth to understand something of His will in His holy and blessed word, and had given me utterance in some measure, to express what I saw to others, for edification; therefore they desired me, and that with much earnestness, that I would be willing, at sometimes to take in hand, in one of the meetings, to speak a word of exhortation unto them.

266. The which, though at the first it did much dash and abash my spirit, yet being still by them desired and entreated, I consented to their request, and did twice at two several a.s.semblies (but in private), though with much weakness and infirmity, discover my gift amongst them; at which they not only seemed to be, but did solemnly protest, as in the sight of the great G.o.d, they were both affected and comforted; and gave thanks to the Father of mercies, for the grace bestowed on me.

267. After this, sometimes, when some of them did go into the country to teach, they would also that I should go with them; where, though as yet, I did not nor durst not, make use of my gift in an open way, yet more privately, still, as I came amongst the good people in those places, I did sometimes speak a word of admonition unto them also; the which they, as the other, received with rejoicing at the mercy of G.o.d to me-ward, professing their souls were edified thereby.

268. Wherefore, to be brief; at last, being still desired by the church, after some solemn prayer to the Lord, with fasting, I was more particularly called forth, and appointed to a more ordinary and public preaching of the word, not only to and amongst them that believed, but also to offer the gospel to those who had not yet received the faith thereof; about which time I did evidently find in my mind a secret p.r.i.c.king forward thereto; though I bless G.o.d, not for desire of vain-glory; for at that time I was most sorely afflicted with the fiery darts of the devil, concerning my eternal state.

269. But yet could not be content, unless I was found in the exercise of my gift, unto which also I was greatly animated, not only by the continual desires of the G.o.dly, but also by that saying of _Paul_ to the _Corinthians_: _I beseech you_, _brethren_ (_ye know the household of Stephanas_, _that it is the first fruits of Achaia_, _and that they have addicted themselves to the ministry of the saints_) _that ye submit yourselves unto such_, _and to every one that helpeth with us_, _and laboureth_. 1 Cor. xvi. 15, 16.

270. By this text I was made to see that the Holy Ghost never intended that men who have gifts and abilities, should bury them in the earth, but rather did command and stir up such to the exercise of their gift, and also did commend those that were apt and ready so to do. _They have addicted themselves to the ministry of the saints_. This scripture, in these days, did continually run in my mind, to encourage me, and strengthen me in this my work for G.o.d; I have also been encouraged from several other scriptures and examples of the G.o.dly, both specified in the word, and other ancient histories: _Acts_ viii. 4 and xviii. 24, 25, etc.; 1 _Pet._ iv. 10; _Rom._ xii. 6; _Fox's Acts_ and _Mon._

271. Wherefore, though of myself of all the saints the most unworthy; yet I, but with great fear and trembling at the sight of my own weakness, did set upon the work, and did according to my gift, and the proportion of my faith, preach that blessed gospel that G.o.d had showed me in the holy word of truth: which when the country understood, they came in to hear the word by hundreds, and that from all parts, though upon sundry and divers accounts.

272. And I thank G.o.d, He gave unto me some measure of bowels and pity for their souls, which also did put me forward to labour, with great diligence and earnestness, to find out such a word as might, if G.o.d would bless, lay hold of, and awaken the conscience; in which also the good Lord had respect to the desire of His servant; for I had not preached long, before some began to be touched, and be greatly afflicted in their minds at the apprehension of the greatness of their sin, and of their need of Jesus Christ.

273. But I first could not believe that G.o.d should speak by me to the heart of any man, still counting myself unworthy; yet those who thus were touched, would love me and have a particular respect for me; and though I did put it from me, that they should be awakened by me, still they would confess it, and affirm it before the saints of G.o.d: they would also bless G.o.d for me (unworthy wretch that I am!) and count me G.o.d's instrument that showed to them the way of salvation.

274. Wherefore seeing them in both their words and deeds to be so constant, and also in their hearts so earnestly pressing after the knowledge of Jesus Christ, rejoicing that ever G.o.d did send me where they were; then I began to conclude it might be so, that G.o.d had owned in His work such a foolish one as I; and then came that word of G.o.d to my heart, with much sweet refreshment, _The blessing of him that was ready to perish_, _is come upon me_; _and I caused the widow's heart to sing for joy_. Job xxix. 13.

275. At this therefore I rejoiced; yea, the tears of those whom G.o.d did awaken by my preaching, would be both solace and encouragement to me: for I thought on those sayings, _Who is He then that maketh me glad_, _but the same which is made sorry by Me_? 2 Cor. ii. 2. And again, _If I be not an Apostle to others_, _yet doubtless_, _I am unto you_: _for the seal of mine apostles.h.i.+p are ye in the Lord_. 1 Cor. ix. 2. These things, therefore, were as another argument unto me, that G.o.d had called me to, and stood by me in this work.

276. In my preaching of the word, I took special notice of this one thing, namely, that the Lord did lead me to begin where His word begins with sinners; that is, to condemn all flesh, and to open and allege, that the curse of G.o.d by the law, doth belong to, and lay hold on all men as they come into the world, because of sin. Now this part of my work I fulfilled with great sense; for the terrors of the law, and guilt for my transgressions, lay heavy on my conscience: I preached what I felt, what I smartingly did feel; even that under which my poor soul did groan and tremble to astonishment.

277. Indeed, I have been as one sent to them from the dead; I went myself in chains, to preach to them in chains; and carried that fire in my own conscience, that I persuaded them to be aware of. I can truly say, and that without dissembling, that when I have been to preach, I have gone full of guilt and terror, even to the pulpit door, and there it hath been taken off, and I have been at liberty in my mind until I have done my work; and then immediately, even before I could get down the pulpit stairs, I have been as bad as I was before; yet G.o.d carried me on, but surely with a strong hand, for neither guilt nor h.e.l.l could take me off my work.

278. Thus I went on for the s.p.a.ce of two years, crying out against men's sins, and their fearful state because of them. After which, the Lord came in upon my own soul, with some staid peace and comfort through Christ; for He did give me many sweet discoveries of His blessed grace through Him; wherefore now I altered in my preaching (for still I preached what I saw and felt); now therefore I did much labour to hold forth Jesus Christ in all His offices, relations, and benefits unto the world; and did strive also to discover, to condemn, and remove those false supports and props on which the world doth both lean, and by them fall and perish. On these things also I staid as long as on the other.

279. After this, G.o.d led me into something of the mystery of the union of Christ; wherefore that I discovered and showed to them also. And, when I had travelled through these three chief points of the word of G.o.d, about the s.p.a.ce of five years or more, I was caught in my present practice, and cast into prison, where I have lain above as long again to confirm the truth by way of suffering, as I was before in testifying of it according to the scriptures, in a way of preaching.

280. When I have been in preaching, I thank G.o.d my heart hath often all the time of this and the other exercise, with great earnestness cried to G.o.d that He would make the word effectual to the salvation of the soul; still being grieved lest the enemy should take the word away from the conscience, and so it should become unfruitful: wherefore I should labour to speak the word, as that thereby, if it were possible, the sin and person guilty might be particularized by it.