Samantha at Coney Island Part 14

IN WHICH JOSIAH STILL WORKS AT HIS PLAN FOR TIRZAH ANN'S COTTAGE, AND DECIDES TO SEND HIS LUMBER C. O. W.

Wall the next evenin', Josiah would make the plan all over, would rub out red marks and put in blue ones, and then rub 'em out with his thumb and fore finger, and then anon, forgittin' himself, he'd rub his forward with the same fingers, till he looked like a wild Injun started for war. And he would sithe heart breakin' sithes, and moisten his hands in his mouth, and roll up his s.h.i.+rt sleeves, and toil and toil till he seemed to git a new plan made after Uncle Nate's idees, as squatty and curous lookin' as I ever see as I glanced at it in a cursory way. And he would work at that till some new man come round with some new idee and then he would (goin' through with all the motions and acts I have depictered) make a new one. And so it went on till finally in the fullness of time Josiah produced a dock.u.ment which he said wuz the finest plan ever drawed up in America.

Sez he, "I have at last reached perfection."

"I spoze you'll let me see it now it is finished," I sez.

"Yes," sez he, "I've always been willin' to give you all the chances I could of improvin' and enlargin' your mind, all that a woman's mind is strong enough to bear. I am willin', Samantha, that you should look at it and admire it, now it is too late for you to advocate any changes."

Sez I coldly, "If I am goin' to see the plan, bring it on."

He laid it before me with a hauty linement and stood off a few steps to admire it. It wuz drawed up handsome, with little ornaments in blue and yeller ink runnin' all round the porticos and piazzas, which wuz in red ink. But on a closer perusal I sez to him:

"What room is this where the walls and ceilin' are all ornamented off so?"

"The settin' room," sez he.

Sez I, "Where are the winders?"

"The winders?" sez he, lookin' closter at it.

"Yes," sez I, "as the ornaments are all fastened on now there hain't no winders and no room for any."

"By thunder!" sez he, the second time in my life that I ever hearn him use that wicked swear word.

And I sez, "I should think you would be afraid to be so profane, you a deacon and a grand-father!"

But he paid no attention to my remarks, but sez agin out loud and strong, "By thunder! I forgot the winders."

"You profane man you!" sez I, pintin' to another room, "what room is this?"

Sez he in a lower and more mortified tone, "It is the parlor."

Sez I, "How be you goin' to git out of this room if you wuz built into it? There hain't no door nor no place for one. You couldn't git out of the room unless you climbed up through the chimbly and emerged onto the ruff, and," sez I, "there hain't a sign of a stairway to git up into the chambers, nor no chamber doors."

But all the answer my pardner made wuz to s.n.a.t.c.h up the paper and tear it right through the middle, and sez he, "There, I hope you're satisfied now! it is all your doin's!"

Sez I, "How, Josiah?" I spoke with calmness, for a long life pa.s.sed by the side of a man had taught me this great truth, that every man from Adam to Josiah will blame a woman for every mistake and blunder they make, no matter of what name or nater, from bringin' sin into the world, to bustin' off a s.h.i.+rt b.u.t.ton.

So I sez with composure, "How did I do it, Josiah?"

"Well," sez he, "the day I finished that plan you had company, and you and Miss Gowdey and she that wuz Submit Tewksbury kep' up such a confounded clackin' that a man couldn't hear himself think!"

Sez I, "Josiah, you finished the plan the next day."

"Well," sez he, "I kep' thinkin' of the clack. Now," sez he, "I'm goin' to build a house by rote and not by note. I will git me away from wimmen, and when I'm on the lot with the timber before me, my mind will work clear."

Sez I, "Do hear to me now; do git a good builder to lay out the plan, one that knows how."

"Well, I shan't do no such thing!"

Sez I, "Then do git a first rate carpenter!"

"No, Samantha, I shan't git any man to be bossin' me round. I shall git some humble man that knows enough to drive a nail, to carry out my views and be guided by me. There is so much jealousy in every walk of life now, that when a man that shows originality and genius comes forth from the ma.s.ses, there is immegiately a desire to keep him back and hide his talents." Sez he, "I'm afraid of this sperit so I am goin' to git a man that can do what I tell him and ask no questions; in these conditions," sez he, "I can swing right out and do justice to myself."

"Then you do have some few fears about your plans yourself?"

Sez he, "Let me once git into a place where my mind can work, I'll show what I can do, let me once git away from meddlin' and clack."

But that night of his own accord (I'd had a uncommon good supper) he acted real affectionate and more confidentialer than he had for weeks, an' he sez, "There is one thing, Samantha, I'm bound to have, and that is a mullin' winder."

"A what?" sez I. "A mullin winder; what is that?"

"Why a winder made out of mullins," sez he hautily.

Sez I, "How do you make it? Mullin leaves are thick and the stalks tougher than fury, how do you make winders out of 'em?"

"That," sez he proudly, "is the work of a architect to take stalks of the humble mullin and transfer it into a tall and stately winder."

Sez I, "I don't believe it can be done. How would you go to work to do it?"

Sez he, "It would be fur from me, Samantha, to muddle up a woman's brains any more than they be muddled naturally, tryin' to inform her how this is done. I only say there will be a mullin' winder in the house."

Sez I, "Hain't you goin' to have a bay winder?"

"That depends on whether there will be room for the bay. But as to the ventilation, on that pint my plans are made. I believe a house should be ventilated to the bottom instead of the top. Air goes up instead of down, a house should be ventilated from the mop boards, I think some of havin' em open like a trap door to let the air through. Sime Bentley sez have a row of holes bored right through the sides of the house to let in the air, and when you didn't want to use 'em plug 'em up, when you want a little air take out one stopple, when you want a good deal take out a hull row of plugs. That's a good idee," sez Josiah, "but I convinced him that it lacked one important thing, the air didn't come up from the bottom as I consider it necessary for health and perfect ventilation."

Sez I dryly, "You might have the holes bored through into the suller!"

My tone wuz as irony as a iron tea-kettle, but he didn't perceive it.

"That is a woman's idee," sez he, "rip up a breadth of carpet every time you want a little air, keep a man down on his knee jints the hull of the time tackin' down carpets and ontackin' 'em. Nothin' ever made a woman so happy as to see a man down on his marrer bones tackin' down a carpet, unless it is seein' him takin' it up and luggin' it outdoors, histin' it up on a line and beatin' it. No, my idee is the only right one, ventilate from the mop boards."

Well, true to his hauty resolution to not share his grand success and triumph with anybody he went the next day and hired a man by the name of Penstock. He had been a good carpenter in his day, but his brain had kinder softened, yet he could work quite fast, and sez Josiah:

"He's jest the man for me. He won't be jealous, he will carry out my views and not steal my plans or my credit. There is a lumber dealer out to the Cape owin' me for a horse, and I propose to buy of him and have the things landed at Shadow Island." Sez he, "I am a solid influential man, and they will send the boards and charge 'em to me, or send 'em C. O. W."

"C. O. W.?" sez I. "What do you mean by that?"

"Oh," sez he, "that's a bizness phrase wimmen don't understand, we men use it often."

"But what duz it mean? Most things mean sunthin', at least they do in wimmen's bizness."

"Well, I don't want to muddle up your head with such things, Samantha, but if you must know, it means Collect All Winter, meanin' that I can have till spring to pay it up."

"How do you spell all?" sez I.

"Why o-w-l of course."