Senior Semester: All The While Part 8

"Maura," she calls as I begin to gather up my belongings.

"Yeah." I stand up straight as Professor Minela walks toward me.

"What topic did you choose?"

I hold up my paper for her to read.

"Ah." She smiles at me and her eyes are kind, considerate. "I know the past few months have been difficult for you, although I can't pretend to understand how you're feeling and coping." She pauses for a moment, gauging my reaction.

I remain silent.

Professor Minela sighs gently. "Use this." She points to my camera. "Sometimes photography can be healing. It can help you sort out your own feelings, even those you don't yet understand. Sometimes it's helpful to disappear behind a lens for a bit, see the world through a different perspective. And if there's anything I can help you with, well, my door is always open."

I nod, smiling stiffly. "Do you think I can pick a different topic?"

Professor Minela stops, angling her head to the side as she studies me before shaking her head. "No, Maura. I think everyone chooses a topic that suits them in one way or another. Don't worry about it now. Just continue to follow the series of a.s.signments and I promise, it will all come together by the end of the semester."

I shrug. "If you say so."

She smiles again, the warmth in her eyes seeping into me. She's going to be a wonderful grandmother. "I do. Have a good weekend."

"Thanks, Professor. You too." I sling my backpack over my shoulder and walk out of cla.s.s.

No need to overthink it just yet. I mean, photography is just an elective after all.

"You're doing what?" I ask Emma incredulously on FaceTime as she fiddles with her bangs.

"Do you think I should highlight my hair?" she asks in response.

"Em, focus. Why did you get a waitressing job? How do you even have time for that?"

She shrugs. "I don't know. I could use the extra money. Besides, the restaurant is near Eastern Market. Lots of Capitol Hill people pop over for dinner and the brunch scene is surprisingly fun. Bottomless mimosas." She smiles.

"Is everything okay? I've never heard you sound so serious about working before."

She waves a hand dismissively, although her mouth is set in a firm line. She looks serious. "Yeah, just want to help Mom and Dad out a bit. You know, there are four of us." She emphasizes four by holding up four fingers.

I nod. Emma has a lot of siblings. I guess it would be hard for her parents to send four kids to college, especially since three of them are all attending university this year. "That makes sense."

She breathes out. "Yeah. I like it too." She smiles widely. "The tips are great and it's actually a lot of fun. I meet tons of cool people. And it's only two or three nights a week. I mean, I finish my interns.h.i.+p around five, so I may as well do something afterward. Can't party it up every night, you know?"

I nod. "Yeah, I know."

Emma laughs. "How's practice going?"

"Okay." I shrug. "Kay is on crack trying to make everything perfect this season but other than that our boat is really starting to shape up."

"That's good. And Kay is always on crack." She rolls her eyes. "She was in my Philosophy cla.s.s last semester. Total nightmare."

"I bet. What else is going on? Who are you dating these days?"

Emma sighs. "No one."

I raise my eyebrows in surprise.

"I know," she elaborates, seeing my look. "It's so unlike me. But I really have been busy." She holds up a hand, palm open. "Don't get me wrong, I've met guys and all but just no one that I'm pursuing. Yet." She smiles wickedly.

I laugh. "Well, good for you. I hope when you do decide to pursue one, he's worth it."

She nods. "Don't worry. He will be. What about you?"

I shake my head. "Have you heard from Mia or Lila this week?"

"Subtle subject change." Emma calls me out but lets it go. "No, just emails. Lila's already a smitten kitten. I swear that girl is really overlooking her own advice this semester." She laughs. "She convinces us to make a pact about living life up and then she has a boyfriend within five minutes. Tall, dark, and handsomes just flock to her, don't they?"

I nod. Lila is already dating a football player named Cade. Not that any of us were surprised. If anyone can make a hot guy, even a smoking superstar jock, fall in love with them in a month, it's Lila. "Yeah, she seems happy though."

Emma smiles. "She is. Trust me." She wags her eyebrows suggestively.

I hold up a hand, stopping her before she can utter another word. "I don't want to know what you mean by that."

Emma laughs. "Fine. Listen, girl, I got to go anyway. My new roomies and I are doing drinks. I seriously have no idea how you're living solo this semester. Don't get too used to the s.p.a.ce and silence. We'll all be back crowding up in your little bubble next semester."

I nod. "Counting on it, Em." I raise the wine gla.s.s I'm sipping on to cheers her. "Enjoy drinks with your friends."

"Why Maura Rodriguez? Are you drinking on a school night? My G.o.d, has living alone changed you."

I laugh. "It's fine, really. Just taking the edge off after a long day."

"What happened?" Emma asks, her eyes wide with curiosity.

"Don't you have to go?" I remind her.

"Not if this is juicy gossip."

I laugh. "It's not. Trust me. Just tired from practice, and I picked a s.h.i.+tty topic for my Photography final," I tell her honestly.

Emma's nose wrinkles. "Bleh. School drama is so not juicy gossip. You were right. Okay, enjoy your wine. Don't drink the whole bottle." She smirks. "Talk to you soon. Kisses!"

"'Later, Em."

Emma waves, her fingers reaching up to touch her bangs again as I end the call.

Dropping the phone on my desk, I drain the wine bottle into my plastic cup and drink up.

It is the weekend after all.

OCTOBER.

Chapter Nineteen.

Zack

The leaves are starting to fall off the trees as I weave my way through the throngs of students walking to cla.s.s on Monday morning. Crisp air surrounds me as I pause for a moment near the quad, smiling when I see some of the guys from the JV crew team stopping to flirt with pretty undercla.s.smen.

"Trying to score a date?" I joke as I walk up behind the guys.

Stevens laughs, whistling through his front teeth. "Nah, man, Steph and I are going strong. But these guys..." he gestures to Phebes and Ranell "...they need all the help they can get."

I snort as Phebes. .h.i.ts Stevens on the back of his head. "Seems like it, man. How're your cla.s.ses this semester?"

Stevens shrugs. "Pretty good. I took a lot of my major core cla.s.ses this semester so I could load up on electives in the spring. Probably not the smartest decision as I'm already spending way too much time in the library. Time that I could be chilling with Steph." He shakes his head. "Coach is already killing us. You?"

I nod in agreement. "Yeah, practice has been rough lately."

"Sucks, man. Our boat..." he shakes his head "...we don't have the same power. Everyone moved up to varsity and now Coach is trying to pull some of the freshman up." He laughs again. "And they are f.u.c.king struggling."

"I bet. It's hard coming out of high school, being the best on your team, to trying to compete at this level and catch up. Not to mention a major blow to the ego."

"Yeah." Stevens looks behind me, his eyes s.h.i.+fting. "Hey, there's your girl." He smiles warmly as Lauren walks up, threading her arm through mine.

"Hey, baby." She smiles, leaning forward to brush a kiss across my cheek. "Good to see you, Mark. Hey, Joe. Scott."

Scott Ranell smiles at her, blus.h.i.+ng slightly. Seriously, bro?

"Hey." I turn to Lauren. "I didn't know you had cla.s.s now."

She shakes her head. "I don't. I wanted to catch you before your cla.s.s."

"Oh, okay." I nod at the guys. "Later."

"See ya." Stevens lifts a hand in farewell.

"What's up?" I ask Lauren as we walk in the direction of the Architecture building.

"Well ..." she draws a breathless inhale. "I was thinking ... and I mean, I know school just started and stuff and you'll be busy with rowing but ..." She looks up at me, her eyes big and s.h.i.+ning with something close to adoration.

"Okay?"

"I think we should get back together," she says quickly, tightening her arm around mine. "I mean, give us a real shot. What we had, what we had was really good, Zack. And I want that back. With you." She stops walking and stares up at me. "What do you think?"

I pause. Man, Nicole was right. I should have seen this coming. Sure, up until now things between Lauren and I were going well. You know, uncomplicated, easygoing, fun. But a real relations.h.i.+p? I mean, not that I would ever step out on her while we're hooking up anyway but the commitment, the emotional energy, the time that goes into a relations.h.i.+p? s.h.i.+t.

Lauren is waiting for me to respond, bouncing on her toes lightly, raw vulnerability marking her features. I can sense it in her eyes, detect it in the way she bites her bottom lip, her fingers fiddling with the pendant around her neck. f.u.c.k. I don't want to hurt her. Not again. But if I'm not honest with her now, it will hurt her so much more down the road. That's one of the important takeaways I've learned from living in same house with Nicole. I vividly remember the nights she cried her heart out over her high school ex-boyfriend Spencer. He was a year older than her and promised her they could make their relations.h.i.+p work even though he was going away to college and she was still in high school. But as the story goes, he cheated on her one month into the school year. He told her he didn't want to hurt her by breaking up and ruining her senior year. And man, she was devastated.

No, I can't do that to a girl. Especially not to a girl like Lauren.

I place my hands on her shoulders. "Listen, Laur, I think we should talk."

She looks down immediately, her fingers gripping the pendant around her neck.

"Lauren ..." I bend my knees, trying to catch her eye. "Is there somewhere you want to go and talk?"

She shakes her head, glancing at me briefly. "No, I know you have cla.s.s. It's okay, just tell me."

I sigh. f.u.c.k, it's like no matter how hard I try to do the right thing it always blows up in my face. I always end up being the a.s.shole. "I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong impression," I tell her honestly. "I like you, Lauren, I've always liked you. I think you're an amazing woman. But my head isn't in the right place right now to have a relations.h.i.+p. And things ended between us junior year for a reason; I don't think anything has changed that would make a relations.h.i.+p between us have a different outcome. I'm sorry if I hurt you. It was never my intention. I want to be straight with you because I don't think we're on the same page about where this is heading..." I gesture between us "...I was just looking for something casual, familiar, and maybe the nostalgia of what used to be got to me. But I don't think we should try and pick up from junior year."

She sniffles quietly, her hand covering her nose briefly. When she looks up at me, her eyes are watery but she smiles lightly. "Okay." It's a whisper. "I understand. Thanks for being honest with me, Zack. That's something I always admired about you."

f.u.c.k, does she have to make it harder by being so sweet and understanding?

I nod. "If you need anything ..." I trail off. Don't make empty promises. "I'm still your friend, Lauren." I can do that, right? I can still be a friend to Lauren.

She nods. "Okay. Well, I'll let you get to cla.s.s. Bye, Zack."

"Later, Laur."

I watch as she walks away, her shoulders slumped, her gait slow.

Way to go, Zack! c.o.c.k-blocking yourself.

f.u.c.k if it isn't hard to do the right thing.

Midweek I'm struggling with the mountain of homework piling up on my desk. It seems like every time I submit one a.s.signment, four more crop up in its place. And I can't slack on any of them because they're all for my major. Plus, I need to keep my GPA up if I'm going to apply to graduate programs.

Pinching my nose between my thumb and forefinger, I debate slamming my head against the desk as I hear a loud roar followed by blaring music from the floor below me. So the guys are throwing an impromptu party. I can't say I blame them. It's fall semester. And it's our senior year. We're supposed to be partying and drinking and shamelessly flirting with the hot and tanned freshman girls. Except that I don't have time for it right now. Slamming my book shut, I decide if I'm not going to focus on homework, I may as well do something productive. And a run along Boathouse Row will also provide some much needed clarity. An opportunity to tune out the world and think about nothing. Sounds better than a f.u.c.king party right about now.

I toss my jeans on top of my rumpled bed and pull on a pair of basketball shorts. Rooting around in my closet, I dig out a pair of running shoes and grab some socks and a headband from my top dresser drawer. Pus.h.i.+ng my hair out of my eyes and tying up my laces, I'm actually looking forward to the quiet, the solace that I just know my run will provide.