Senior Semester: All The While Part 3

Fifteen minutes later our boat is rigged, and we're back on the water, our oars slicing through the river, our bodies bending in sync. As if we never left. As if nothing has changed. As if the finale of last season, Adrian's death, never occurred.

Just like that, the season has started.

And my heart's too damaged to care.

The first week of training shreds my palms, causes my back muscles to tighten and spasm, makes my legs burn. I'm so sore I can hardly move, collapsing into bed each night, too exhausted to think, too beat to dream. And for that I'm grateful, because the only thing worse than dreaming about Adrian's death, waking with my heart in my throat and tear stains on my pillowcase, is dreaming about Adrian's life, waking up hopeful and happy only to remember. And then I have to search out the clammy claws of numbness all over again. These days I can only seem to find it at the bottom of a wine bottle or underneath Hector's sweaty frame.

For the first time in a long time, rowing seems like a gift again and not a prison sentence shackling me to memories of Adrian.

SEPTEMBER.

Chapter Nine.

Zack

The start of the season is always tough. Physically, it's debilitating. Mentally, it's exhausting. Emotionally, well, you have to dig deep. Still, after each practice, each session in the gym, even each study hall, there's a sense of satisfaction. A feeling of contentment. But this year all of it is just painful.

Leaving the library on Monday afternoon, I head toward my next cla.s.s, Urban Housing. The lawn stretching the length of the quad is green and perfectly manicured. Students lounge in the gra.s.s lazily, snacking on chips and chocolate bars, reading textbooks, napping in the sun. It's important to soak up the good weather before the snare of winter. Colorful Frisbees sail, vintage hacky sacks jump, laughter and chatter swirl. I used to always be in the thick of it. Adrian and me. Man, did we have fun just kicking it on the quad, picking up girls, playing random games, hanging in between cla.s.ses. Now I can't wait to reach the Architecture building just so I won't have to see the smiling students, the suave guys feeding lines to suntanned girls. The past. Suddenly, I'm that out of place, faltering eighteen-year-old I was the start of freshman year.

"Zack!" My name cuts through the air, and I stop reluctantly to wait for whoever is trailing me.

I turn, pasting a smile on my face.

It's Lauren.

She looks beautiful, her long hair pulled back from her face, a sundress skimming her toned thighs, her pink toenails winking with each step. Just two weeks ago, those toned thighs wrapped around my waist, her hair scattering across my pillow and her toenails curling into my bedsheets.

My smile turns genuine.

"Hey, babe." The endearment falls from my lips as naturally as the sun rising.

Lauren's cheeks blush. G.o.d, was she always so cute? So sweet? So innocent? "Hi. Where're you heading?" She falls into step beside me.

I slip my arm around her waist, my fingertips stroking her flat stomach. "Got cla.s.s. Urban Housing with Kowalski. You?"

"Organic Chemistry." Her mouth twists. "I'm going to fail."

I laugh, pulling her closer into my side. She still fits perfectly. "You're not going to fail. It's still September. You've got plenty of time to make up for the B you probably got on the one and only quiz you've taken so far."

She looks up at me in surprise. "How'd you know?"

I shake my head. "'Cause I know you."

She sighs, snuggling closer, her hand catching the back of my s.h.i.+rt, her fingers twisting the material. "True."

I pat her hip rea.s.suringly as we reach the Architecture building. "This is me."

She nods, taking a small step back as I release my hold on her. "Zack, I ..." She fiddles with the pendant on her necklace: two interlinking hearts I gave her at the end of soph.o.m.ore year. A nervous habit.

"What is it?"

"I miss you." She looks up at me, her blue eyes wide with a hint of insecurity, the corners of her mouth turning up into a small smile. "I miss us."

I take a step toward her, my fingers catching the ends of her hair. She still smells a bit like cinnamon. She always loved baking, even though you'd never know by her thin frame and taut stomach. I nod, unsure of what to say. Sure, I miss her sometimes. She's the sweetest, kindest, most genuine person I know. And when she reached out in the wake of Adrian's pa.s.sing, I shut her down. Hard.

But now, with her standing before me, the vulnerability in her eyes cutting into me with such love and care and trust, I want to go back to soph.o.m.ore year when everything seemed easy and carefree and fun.

I want to go back to before.

"Me too," I tell her, and I mean it. "How about we go for dinner tomorrow night? You still obsessed with sus.h.i.+?"

She lets out a small breath, her relief evident as she smiles widely. Lauren's always been easy to read, always wearing her heart on her sleeve. "I'd love to," she says, popping onto her toes to place a kiss on my cheek. "Sus.h.i.+ sounds perfect."

I nod, the touch of her lips tingling against my skin. "I'll pick you up at 7:00 PM."

"I'll be ready." She smiles again, gripping my forearm lightly. "See you tomorrow, Zack."

"Later, babe."

Turning into the Architecture building, I locate my cla.s.sroom and slide behind a desk thirty seconds before Kowalski introduces himself. The whole lecture, my thoughts ping-pong between the cinnamon sweetness of Lauren and the s.e.xy spice of Maura.

"Nice work today." Philips, our captain, tosses over his shoulder as we walk back into the boathouse.

"Thanks, man. You too." I stretch my arms overhead and try not to wince at the soreness rippling down my spine, cutting into my ribcage.

"I mean it. The boat finally feels lighter." He shakes his head. "Not like it was but it's getting there," he murmurs quietly.

Not like it was. Because Adrian is gone. And nothing is like it was.

I nod stiffly. "Yeah."

Philips smiles weakly. He was close with Adrian too. Sometimes I forget that Adrian's death affected the whole team. Not just me. Even though I'm the only one who could have prevented it.

"Heard you're hanging with Lauren again," he comments casually.

"Who'd you hear that from?"

Philips shrugs. "Marissa and I are having a party on Friday. Nothing crazy. Just wine and cheese or whatever." He smiles sheepishly. The guy is already practically engaged. "You guys should come."

I shrug. "Cool, man. We'll see."

He nods. "Catch you later, then."

"'Bye." I shoulder my duffel bag and start walking back to my SUV.

There is already talk of me and Lauren. Not totally shocking but still surprising as I've seen her twice since school started. Lauren probably said something to Marissa; the two were always friendly, sitting with each other at all our regattas, driving together to the away races. And again, that old familiarity, reliving what once was, is comforting.

Chapter Ten.

Maura

The scotch is strong and smooth as it coats my throat. I hold the gla.s.s in my hand casually, watch as the single ice cube slowly melts. Until last month, I'd never had scotch before in my life; now it's a weekly vice. At least for this week.

"It's from Scotland," the guy sitting across from me says. His hair is dark. He leaves it long. It's the type of hair a girl can run her fingers through, hold on to. Kind of like Zack's.

I blush without meaning to. Where the h.e.l.l did that thought pop up from?

Dismissing it, I run my eyes over the guy I'm talking to instead. Even though he dresses young and casual in dark-washed jeans and a black b.u.t.ton-down, I know he's pus.h.i.+ng forty. He blinks steadily behind thick-framed gla.s.ses. I wonder if he wears them because he needs them or just ironically, cas.h.i.+ng in on a pa.s.sing fad? His eyes watch me closely, taking in every detail.

I nod, as if his words mean something to me.

They don't.

"It's smooth," I say instead.

A ghost of a smile shadows his lips as he continues to watch me intently, his gaze slowly perusing my body, pausing at my chest. I fight the urge to roll my eyes. So typical. Instead, I arch my back farther, pus.h.i.+ng my b.o.o.bs out so he can appreciate them in all their glory. The desire that heats his eyes doesn't disappoint and encourages me to move this exchange along.

"Are you in Philly for business or pleasure?" It comes out like a purr. I almost roll my eyes at myself, my mind wandering back to just one year ago when Emma and Lila had to push me to approach a guy at the bar, had to coach me on what to say, how to act. Sometimes it surprises me that I've perfected this persona in such a short amount of time. If I wasn't so desperate to feel nothing, I might feel proud.

His eyebrows arch. "Business." His eyes travel back to my face. "But I'm not above mixing the two."

I smile slowly. "Good."

"I'm at the Rittenhouse. Room 112." He slides a key card across the table. What type of business does a guy like him have in Philadelphia that has him staying at the Rittenhouse? I'm about to ask but really why bother? It's not like I care. Tapping the card twice, his fingers stray from the table to caress the inside of my wrist. "Join me." It's not a question, it's a command. A demand.

An unexpected spark of excitement runs through me. A thrill.

Finally, a feeling I can bear. It's one that usually precedes emptiness.

"I'd love to." I palm the card, slipping it into my clutch.

"Good." He leans back in his chair and picks up his scotch. A thick wedding band winks from his left finger.

I pretend not to see it. And I know he will remove it before we make it to his hotel room. In the short amount of time I've been picking up complete strangers for the night, usually preferring the ease of Hector, I've already learned that the married men always remove their wedding rings.

Sometimes denial can be incredibly pleasurable.

"Rodriguez! Are you okay?" Kay Hillard, our team captain, asks as she peers down over the tops of her sungla.s.ses. Her eyes narrow, a mixture of concern and frustration swimming in their hazel depths.

"Fine." Clearing my throat noisily, I attempt a smile, a nod at nonchalance, at faking it. My head throbs, my heartbeat pounding in my temples. Too much wine. And freaking scotch. "I'm fine." My go-to words these days: I'm fine, everything's fine, it's fine.

"You don't look fine." Amber Mason throws in as she expertly braids her hair, fastening the end with a silver hair tie.

I cut her a look but quickly rearrange my features; it's best not to show a reaction. Any reaction. I wave my hand dismissively. "Just getting over a cold. Really," I add brightly. Too brightly. "I'm fine."

Kay nods her head curtly, but she doesn't look convinced. Clapping her hands twice, she manages to secure the attention of the other girls in the varsity eight, and we all form a half moon around her. "How did today feel?" she asks the group.

Valerie shakes her head. "Something's off with the start. We're too slow."

Our c.o.xswain, Amanda Stevens, nods in agreement. The rest of the girls chime in with their thoughts, their opinions. Everyone but me.

I'm too busy thinking about last night, too distracted remembering the way his hands felt on my skin. The way he trailed his fingertips up my ribcage with purpose, intent, peeling my s.h.i.+rt off in the process. The way he kissed my neck, his lips pressed against my clavicle, his breath tickling my cheek. How he sounded panting in my ear, begging me for more, begging me. He had a fallen angel tattoo on his left shoulder blade, and he smelled like soap and whisky. Like a man. Like all the men.

"Rodriguez." Kay's voice snaps me back to the present.

I look up. "Yeah?"

"Do you have anything to add?"

I shake my head. "No."

She sighs and I hear all the words she's not saying: What the f.u.c.k is wrong with you? But after a hard look, Kay turns to listen to Valerie's additional suggestions about our start. Our varsity eight boat is currently ranked number two in the US. For most of us it's our senior year, our last season to row, to compete, to be number one. And everyone, especially Kay Hillard, is one thousand percent committed to making this season-our final season-our best yet.

I wish I cared. I used to care. I used to care more than anyone. Even more than Kay Hillard. Turning my heavy sigh into a cough, I recall the way his fingers felt digging into my scalp, tugging hard at my hair.