Joe Miller's Jests or The Wits Vade-Mecum Part 3

128. An _Englishman_ and a _Welchman_ disputing in whose Country was the best Living, said the _Welchman_, there is such n.o.ble Housekeeping in _Wales_, that I have known above a Dozen Cooks employ'd at one Wedding Dinner; Ay, answered the _Englishman_, that was because every Man _toasted his own Cheese_.

129. The late Sir _G.o.dfrey Kneller_, had always a very great Contempt, I will not pretend to say how justly, for _J----s_ the Painter, and being one Day about twenty Miles from _London_, one of his Servants told him at Dinner, that there was Mr. _J----s_ come that Day into the same Town with a Coach and four: Ay, said Sir _G.o.dfrey_, but if his Horses _draw_ no better than himself, they'll never carry him to Town again.

130. Some Women speaking of the Pains of Childbirth, for my Part, said one of them, it is less Trouble to me, than to swallow a Poach'd Egg: Then sure, Madam, answer'd another, your _Throat_ is very narrow.

131. A Gentleman asked _Nanny Rochford_, why the Whigs, in their Mourning for Queen _Anne_, all wore Silk Stockings: Because, said she, the Tories _were worsted_.

132. A Counsellor pleading at the Bar with Spectacles on, who was blind with one Eye, said, he would produce nothing but what was _ad Rem_, then said one of the adverse Party, _You must take out one Gla.s.s of your Spectacles, which I am sure is of no Use_.

133. The famous _Tom Thynn_, who was remarkable for his good Housekeeping and Hospitality, standing one Day at his Gate in the Country, a Beggar coming up to him, cry'd, he begg'd his Wors.h.i.+p would give him a Mugg of his _Small Beer_: Why how now, said he, what Times are these! _when Beggars must be Choosers_. I say, bring this Fellow a Mugg of _Strong Beer_.

134. It was said of a Person, who always eat at _other Peoples Tables_, and was a great _Railer_, that he never opened _his Mouth_ but to some Body's Cost.

135. Pope _Sixtus Quintus_, who was a poor Man's Son, and his Father's House ill thatched, so that the Sun came in at many Places of it, would himself make a Jest of his Birth, and say, _that he was_, Nato di Casa ill.u.s.tre, _Son of an ill.u.s.trious House_.

136. _Diogenes_ begging, as was the Custom among many Philosophers, asked a _prodigal Man_ for more than any one else: Whereupon one said to him, _I see your Business, that when you find a liberal Mind, you will take most of him_: _No_, said _Diogenes, but I mean to beg of the rest again_.

137. Dr. _Sewel_, and two or three Gentlemen, walking towards _Hampstead_ on a Summer's Day, were met by the famous _Daniel Purcel_, who was very importunate with them to know upon what Account they were going there; the Doctor merrily answering him, _to make Hay_; Very well, reply'd the other, you'll be there at a very convenient Season, the Country wants _Rakes_.

138. A Gentleman speaking of his Servant, said, _I believe I command more than any Man, for before my Servant will obey me in one Thing, I must command him ten Times over_.

139. A poor Fellow that was carrying to Execution had a Reprieve just as he came to the Gallows, and was carried back by a Sheriff's Officer, who told him, he was a happy Fellow, and asked him, if he knew nothing of the Reprieve before-hand; no, reply'd the Fellow, nor thought any more of it, than I did of my _Dying Day_.

140. A _Spanish_ Lady reading, in a _French_ Romance, a long Conversation betwixt two Lovers; _What a deal of Wit_, said she, _is here thrown away, when two Lovers are got together, and no Body by_?

141. A Countryman admiring the stately Fabrick of St. _Paul's_, ask'd, _whether it was made in_ England, or _brought from beyond Sea_?

142. _Fabricus_ the _Roman_ Consul, shew'd a great n.o.bleness of Mind, when the Physician of King _Pyrrhus_ made him a Proposal to poison his Master, by sending the Physician back to _Pyrrhus_, with these Words; _Learn, O King! to make a better Choice of thy_ Friends _and of thy_ Foes.

143. A Lady, who had generally a pretty many Intrigues upon her Hands, not liking her Brother's extravagant Pa.s.sion for Play, asked him, when he designed to leave off _Gaming_; when you cease _Loving_, said he; then reply'd the Lady, _you are like to continue a Gamester as long as you live_.

144. A Soldier was bragging before _Julius Caesar_, of the Wounds he had received in his Face; _Caesar_, knowing him to be a Coward, told him, he had best take heed, the next Time he ran away, _how he look'd back_.

145. The _Trojans_ sending Amba.s.sadors to condole with _Tiberius_ upon the Death of his Father-in-Law _Augustus_, it was so long after, that the Emperor hardly thought it a Compliment, but told them he was likewise sorry _that they had lost so valiant a Knight_ as Hector, who was slain above a thousand Years before.

146. _Cato Major_ used to say, _That wise Men learned more from_ Fools, _than_ Fools _from wise Men_.

147. A _Braggadochio_ chancing, upon an Occasion, to run away full Speed, was asked by one, what was become of that Courage he used so much to talk of, it is got, said he, _all into my Heels_.

148. Somebody asked my Lord _Bacon_ what he thought of _Poets_, why, said he, I think them the very best Writers next to those who write in Prose.

149. A Profligate young n.o.bleman, being in Company with some sober People, desired leave to toast the _Devil_; the Gentleman who sat next him, said, he had no Objection to any of his Lords.h.i.+p's Friends.

150. A _Scotsman_ was very angry with an _English_ Gentleman, who, he said, had abused him, and called him _false Scot_; Indeed, said the _Englishman_, I said no such Thing, but that you were a _true Scot_.

151. The late Commissary-General _G--ley_, who once kept a Gla.s.s Shop, having General _P--c--k's_ Regiment under a Muster, made great Complaints of the Men's Appearance, &c. and said, _that the Regiment ought to be broke: Then, Sir_, said the Colonel, _perhaps you think a Regiment is as soon broke as a Looking-Gla.s.s_.

152. _C----ll_, the Bookseller, being under Examination, at the Bar of the House of Lords, for publis.h.i.+ng the Posthumous Works of the late Duke of _Buckingham_, without Leave of the Family, told their Lords.h.i.+ps in his Defence, _That if the Duke was_ living, _he was sure he would readily pardon the Offence_.

153. A Gentleman said of a young Wench, who constantly ply'd about the _Temple_, that if she had as much Law in her _Head_, as she had had in her _Tail_, she would be one of the ablest _Counsel_ in _England_.

154. _J--ck K----s_, the Painter, having finish'd a very good Picture of _Figg_ the Prize-Fighter, who had been famous for getting the better of several _Irishmen_ of the same Profession, the Piece was shewn to old _J----n_, the Player, who was told at the same Time, that Mr.

_E----s_ designed to have a Mezzo-tinto Print taken from it, but wanted a Motto to be put under it: Then said old _J----n_, I'll give you one: _A Figg for the Irish_.

155. Some Gentlemen going into a noted Bawdy-House Tavern at _Charing-Cross_, found great Fault with the Wine, and sending for the Master of the House, told him, it was sad Stuff, and very _weak_: It may be so, said he, for my Trade don't depend upon the _Strength_ of my _Wine_, but on that of my Tables and Chairs.

156. A Gentleman coming to an Inn in _Smithfield_, and seeing the Hostler expert and tractable about the Horses, asked, _how long he had lived there_? And _What Countryman he was_? _I'se Yerks.h.i.+re_, said the Fellow, _an ha'_ lived _Sixteen Years here_. I wonder reply'd the Gentleman, that in so long a Time, so clever a Fellow as you seem to be, have not come to be Master of the Inn yourself. Ay, said the Hostler, _But Maister's Yerks.h.i.+re_ too.

157. The late Colonel _Chartres_, reflecting on his ill Life and Character, told a certain n.o.bleman, that if such a Thing as a good Name was to be purchased, he would freely give 10,000 Pounds for one; the n.o.bleman said, _it would certainly be the worst Money he ever laid out in his Life_. Why so, said the honest Colonel, _because_, answered my Lord, _you would forfeit it again in less than a Week_.

158. A seedy [poor] half-pay Captain, who was much given to blabbling every thing he heard, was told, there was but one Secret in the World he could keep, and that was _where he lodged_.

159. _Jack M----n_, going one Day into the Apartments at St. _James's_, found a Lady of his Acquaintance sitting in one of the Windows, who very courteously asked him, to sit down by her, telling him there was a _Place, No, Madam_, said he, _I don't come to Court for a Place_.

If the gentle Reader should have a Desire to repeat this Story let him not make the same Blunder that a certain _English-Irish foolish_ Lord did, who made the Lady ask _Jack_ to sit down by her, telling him there was _room_.

160. A certain Lady of Quality sending her _Irish_ Footman to fetch Home a Pair of new Stays, strictly charged him to take a Coach if it rained for fear of wetting them: But a great Shower of Rain falling, the Fellow returned with the Stays dropping wet, and being severely reprimanded for not doing as he was ordered, he said, he had obey'd his Orders; how then, answered the Lady, could the Stays be wet, if you took them into the Coach with you? _No_, replyed honest Teague, _I knew my Place better, I did not go into the Coach, but rode_ behind _as I always used to do_.

161. _Tom Warner_, the late Publisher of News Papers and Pamphlets, being very near his End, a Gentlewoman in the Neighbourhood sending her Maid to enquire how he did, he had the girl tell her Mistress, _that he hoped he was going to the_ New-Jerusalem; _Ah, dear Sir_, said she, _I dare say the Air of_ Islington _would do you more good_.

162. A Person said the _Scotch_ were certainly the best trained up for Soldiers of any People in the World, for they began to _handle their Arms_ almost as soon as they were born.

163. A Woman once prosecuted a Gentleman for a Rape: Upon the trial, the Judge asked if she made any Resistance, _I cry'd out, an please you my Lord_, said she: _Ay_, said one of the Witnesses, _but that was Nine Months after_.

164. A young Lady who had been married but a short Time, seeing her Husband going to rise pretty early in the Morning, said, _What, my Dear, are you getting up already? Pray, lie_ a little longer and rest yourself. _No, my Dear_, reply'd the Husband, _I'll get up and rest myself_.

165. The Deputies of _Rochel_, attending to speak with _Henry_ the Fourth of _France_, met with a Physician who had renounced the Protestant Religion, and embrac'd the Popish Communion, whom they began to revile most grievously. The King hearing of it, told the Deputies, he advis'd them to change their Religion, _for it is a dangerous Symptom_, says he, _that your religion is not long-liv'd, when a Physician has given it over_.

166. Two _Oxford_ Scholars meeting on the Road with a _Yorks.h.i.+re_ Ostler, they fell to bantering the Fellow, and told him, they could prove him a Horse, an a.s.s, and I know not what; and I, said the Ostler, can prove your Saddle to be me a _Mule_: A _Mule!_ cried one of them, how can that be? because, said the Ostler, it is something between a _Horse_ and an _a.s.s_.

167. A _Frenchman_ travelling between _Dover_ and _London_, came into an Inn to lodge, where the Host perceiving him a close-fisted Cur, having called for nothing but a Pint of Beer and a Pennyworth of Bread to eat with a Sallad he had gathered by the Way, resolved to fit him for it, therefore seemingly paid him an extraordinary Respect, laid him a clean Cloth for Supper, and complimented him with the best Bed in the House. In the Morning he set a good Sallad before him, with Cold Meat, b.u.t.ter, _&c_., which provok'd the Monsieur to the Generosity of calling for half a Pint of Wine; then coming to pay, the Host gave him a Bill, which, for the best Bed, Wine, Sallad, and other Appurtenances, he had enhanc'd to the Value of twenty s.h.i.+llings. _Jernie_, says the _Frenchman_, Twenty s.h.i.+llings! _Vat you mean?_ But all his sputtering was in vain; for the Host with a great deal of Tavern-Elocution, made him sensible that nothing could be 'bated. The Monsieur therefore seeing no Remedy but Patience, seem'd to pay it chearfully. After which he told the Host, that his House being extremely troubled with Rats, he could give him a Receipt to drive 'em away, so as they should never return again. The Host being very desirous to be rid of those troublesome Guests, who were every Day doing him one Mischief or other, at length concluded to give Monsieur twenty s.h.i.+llings for a Receipt; which done, _Beggar_, says the Monsieur, _you make a de Rat one such Bill as you make me, and if ever dey trouble your House again, me will be hang_.

168. A young Gentleman playing at Questions and Commands with some very pretty young Ladies, was commanded to take off a Garter from one of them; but she, as soon as he had laid hold of her Petticoats, ran away into the next Room, where was a Bed, now, Madam, said he, I _bar_ squeaking, _Bar_ the Door, you Fool, cry'd she.

169. A _Westminster_ Justice taking Coach in the City, and being set down at _Young Man's_ Coffee-house, _Charing-Cross_, the Driver demanded Eighteen-Pence as his Fare; the Justice asked him, if he would swear that the Ground came to the Money; the Man said, he would take his Oath on't. The Justice replyed, _Friend, I am a Magistrate_, and pulling a Book out of his Pocket, administer'd the Oath, and then gave the Fellow _Six-pence_, saying _he must reserve the s.h.i.+lling to himself for the_ Affidavit.

170. A Countryman pa.s.sing along the _Strand_ saw a Coach overturn'd, and asking what the Matter was? He was told, that three or four Members of Parliament were overturned in that Coach: Oh, says he, there let them lie, _my Father always advis'd me not to meddle with State Affairs_.

171. One saying that Mr. _Dennis_ was an excellent Critick, was answered, that indeed his Writings were much to be valued; for that by his Criticism he taught Men how to write well, and by his Poetry, shew'd 'em what it was to write ill; so that the World was sure to edify by him.

172. One going to see a Friend who had lain a considerable Time in the _Marshalsea_ Prison, in a Starving Condition, was persuading him, rather than lie there in that miserable Case, to go to Sea; which not agreeing with his high Spirit, _I thank you for your Advice_, replies the Prisoner, _but if I go to Sea, I'm resolv'd it shall be upon good Ground_.

173. A Drunken Fellow carrying his Wife's Bible to p.a.w.n for a Quartern of Gin, to an Alehouse, the Man of the House refused to take it. What a Pox, said the Fellow, will neither my Word, nor the Word of G--d pa.s.s?

174. A certain Justice of Peace, not far from _Clerkenwell_, in the first Year of King _George_ I. when his Clerk was reading a Mittimus to him, coming to _Anno Domini_ 1714, cry'd out, with some warmth, and _why not Georgeo Domini, sure, Sir, you forget yourself strangely_.

175. A certain n.o.blem--, a Cour--r, in the Beginning of the late Reign, coming out of the H--se of L--ds, accosts the Duke of _B--ham_, with, _How does your Pot boil, my Lord, these troublesome Times?_ To which his Grace replied, I never go into my Kitchen, but I dare say the _Sc.u.m is uppermost_.

176. A little dastardly half-witted 'Squire, being once surpriz'd by his Rival in his Mistress's Chamber, of whom he was terribly afraid, desir'd for G.o.d's Sake to be conceal'd; but there being no Closet or Bed in the Room, nor indeed any Place proper to hold him, but an _India_ Chest the Lady put her Cloathes in, they lock'd him in there.