Jokes For All Occasions - LightNovelsOnl.com
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"I want to buy you something useful for your birthday. What can you suggest?"
"Oh! I think a really useful diamond ring would do as well as anything."
SURE SIGNS
"Afraid you're going to have insomnia? What are the symptoms?"
"Twins."
SUCH A WASTE
_Mrs. Bizzy:_ "I am so sorry to hear that your wife has been throwing the crockery at you again, Casey. Where did she hit you?"
_Casey:_ "Faith, Ma'am! That's what Oi do be afther complainin' av.
'Twas a whole set av dishes broke to pieces an' she niver hit me wanst."
TOO ONE-SIDED
"What is the use of quarreling, my dear girl? Let us forgive and forget."
"That is just the trouble. I am always forgiving, and you are always forgetting."
DISCRETION
_Miss Bizzy:_ "I am glad to hear that you are married, O'Brien, and hope that you and Bridget don't have many differences of opinion."
_O'Brien:_ "Faith, ma'am, we have a good many, but Oi don't let her know about them."
BETTER UNSAID
_Cholly Lyttlebrayne:_ "Yes, the doctors saved my life, but it cost me over a thousand dollars."
_Miss Thotless:_ "Oh! Mr. Lyttlebrayne, what extravagance!"
LETTING HIM KNOW
_Flora:_ "I'm writing to tell Jack that I didn't mean what I said in my last letter."
_Dora:_ "What did you say in your last letter?"
_Flora:_ "That I didn't mean what I said in the one before."
WHY, INDEED
_The Husband:_ "Why is it that women always say, 'I'll be ready in two seconds'?"
_The Wife:_ "Humph! and why is it that men always say, 'Oh! _I'm_ ready _now_'?"
_Madge:_ "Have you given Jack your final answer yet?"
_Mabel:_ "Not yet--but I have given him my final 'No.'"
ONLY THEIR WAY
_First Lady_ (_effusively_): "I am _more_ than _charmed_ to see you, my _dear_ Mrs.--er--um--."
_Second Lady_ (_more effusively_): "How _lovely_ of you! So am I _delighted_. I _do_ hope we'll meet again _very_, VERY soon, my _dearest_ Mrs.--um--er--."
INADVERTENT
_Prospective Bride:_ "I am glad I decided to be married in a traveling dress--a wedding dress costs such a lot."
_Dressmaker:_ "Yes, miss, and the next time you wanted to wear it, it would be out of fas.h.i.+on."
MAKING SURE
"Papa, the Earl wants me to send him a photograph to show to his parents."
"I thought he had dozens of your photos."
"Yes, but he wants a photo of your certified check."
MORE DESPERATE STILL
_She:_ "Oh! there's no use of my giving you any hope, because I cannot believe in love in a cottage."
