Jokes For All Occasions Part 7

"I presoom as how it did, mum," the sailor agreed. "But bein' as I had my eyes shut, I missed it."

BLOCKHEAD

The recruit complained to the sergeant that he'd got a splinter in his finger.

"Ye should have more sinse," was the harsh comment, "than to scratch your head."

BONE OF CONTENTION

The crowd in the car was packed suffocatingly close. The timid pa.s.senger thought of pickpockets, and thrust his hand into his pocket protectingly. He was startled to encounter the fist of a fat fellow-pa.s.senger.

"I caught you that time!" the fat man hissed.

"Thief yourself!" snorted the timid pa.s.senger. "Leggo!"

"Scoundrel!" shouted the fat man.

"Help! Stop thief!" the little fellow spluttered, trying to wrench his hand from the other's clasp. As the car halted, the tall man next the two disputants spoke sharply:

"I want to get off here, if you dubs will be good enough to take your hands out of my pocket."

During the Civil War, an old negro was deeply interested in the conflict, but showed no sign of wis.h.i.+ng to take part in it. A white man questioned him one day:

"The men of the North and South are killing one another on your account.

Why don't you pitch in and fight yourself?"

"Has you-all ever seen two dogs fightin' over a bone?" the negro demanded.

"Many times, of course," was the answer.

The old negro chuckled as he said:

"Did you ever see de bone fight?"

"Well!--no!"

"Dat's all! I'se de bone."

BREAKFAST

The Southern Colonel at Saratoga Springs, in the days before prohibition, directed the colored waiter at his table in the hotel:

"You-all kin bring me a Kentucky breakfast."

"An' what is that, sir?" the waiter inquired doubtfully.

The Colonel explained:

"Bring me a big steak, a bulldog and a quart of Bourbon whiskey."

"But why do you order a bulldog?" asked the puzzled waiter.

"To eat the steak, suh!" snapped the Colonel.

BREVITY

The best ill.u.s.tration of the value of brief speech reckoned in dollars was given by Mark Twain. His story was that when he had listened for five minutes to the preacher telling of the heathen, he wept, and was going to contribute fifty dollars, after ten minutes more of the sermon, he reduced the amount of his prospective contribution to twenty-five dollars, after half an hour more of eloquence, he cut the sum to five dollars. At the end of an hour of oratory when the plate was pa.s.sed, he stole two dollars.

BRIBERY

A thriving baseball club is one of the features of a boy's organization connected with a prominent church. The team was recently challenged by a rival club. The pastor gave a special contribution of five dollars to the captain, with the direction that the money should be used to buy bats, b.a.l.l.s, gloves, or anything else that might help to win the game.

On the day of the game, the pastor was somewhat surprised to observe nothing new in the club's paraphernalia. He called the captain to him.

"I don't see any new bats, or b.a.l.l.s, or gloves," he said.

"We haven't anything like that," the captain admitted.

"But I gave you five dollars to buy them," the pastor exclaimed.

"Well, you see," came the explanation, "you told us to spend it for bats, or b.a.l.l.s, or gloves, or anything that we thought might help to win the game, so we gave it to the umpire."

BRUTALITY

Two ladies in a car disputed concerning the window, and at last called the conductor as referee.

"If this window is open," one declared, "I shall catch cold, and will probably die."

"If the window is shut," the other announced, "I shall certainly suffocate." The two glared at each other.

The conductor was at a loss, but he welcomed the words of a man with a red nose who sat near. These were:

"First, open the window, conductor. That will kill one. Next, shut it.

That will kill the other. Then we can have peace."

BURGLARY

A young couple that had received many valuable wedding presents established their home in a suburb. One morning they received in the mail two tickets for a popular show in the city, with a single line:

"Guess who sent them."